Wednesday, January 4, 2012

G-free. Day 1.

Soooo – if you read my 2012 goal post, you’ll remember that I am going to go gluten-free for 30 days.

Why? Well – because going Paleo seemed too hard. Ha!

That’s actually sort of true but I digress. I’m going gluten-free because in my spare time I’m a “can work the website like Kim Kardashian works 12 days marriages” certified doctor.

Yup. El doctore. Right here. The first item on the to do list is to tranquilize Draz so he’s constantly comatose while injecting him with sterroids so his lizard balls grow bigger than his insanely small head. Won’t it be fun when he wakes up?

This here doctor has self-diagnosed herself with a case of gluten intolerance. I’m not kidding. There are MANY symptoms of gluten intolerance and I have a buttload of them. For example:

• Abdominal Distention – for real – after I eat my stomach can literally look 6 months pregnant from the swelling. It is OBVIOUS. Even Rambo can’t deny it’s there when I tell him to look. It is very uncomfortable and I’ve never ever known why it happens.

• Abdominal Pain and Cramping – yup – quite often after eating. I used to think it was my anxiety but now I’m beginning to wonder

• Alternating Bouts of Diarrhea and Constipation – Jesus. They just had to go there didn’t they? Fine. Yes. This is me. I can’t believe I just admitted that.

• Anemia – yup – have had that many times. In fact, can’t give blood because of it.

• Bloating – yup – see first symptom above

• Borborygmi (stomach rumbling) – I had no idea this had a name or mattered but literally – at night when I go to bed – Rambo can hear my stomach. We always laugh about how loud it is. And it’s not hunger sounds. It’s AFTER I’ve eaten.

• Constipation - seriously – haven’t we already covered this?

• Stunted Growth and Failure to Thrive – this one I do NOT have. My ass continues to thrive and grow daily

• Depression, Anxiety and Irritability – hmmm – and I thought this was just my personality. Maybe not?

• Dermatitis Herpetiformis – no rashes but I do have adult acne unless I take an antibiotic for it and then my skin is CLEAR – I’d love to get off this med

• Diabetes – sometimes I wonder. I had gestational diabetes so my chances of adult diabetes are higher.

• Diarrhea – for Christ’s sake – why do we have to talk about poop so much? Yes. Fine. There – I said it.

• Fatigue – Holy mother of all that is holy. Fatigue? YES, YES and YES. Like fall asleep at my desk, take incessant hours long naps, sleep in but still go to bed early, sometimes feels too hard to even hold my arms up kind of fatigue.

• Malodorous Flatulence – I refuse to look up what malodorous means. But I do not fart. I pressure.

• Malodorous Stools – again with the malodorous. Ack.

• Headaches and Migraines – yupper – with no trigger found and on a preventive med now because they are at least 4 days a week

• Hypoglycemia

• Infertility

• Joint pain

• Lactose intolerance – not sure – this is my next experiment if gluten-free doesn’t work

• Mouth sores or mouth ulcers

• Nausea – yup. For me I get a mild flu-like feeling almost daily

• Numbness or tingling in the patient’s hands and feet – yup sometimes

• Osteoporosis

• Steatorrhea (high lipids in the stool, which may cause the stool to float) – floating poop? I’ve heard it all. The word “stool” has now become a TOXIC WORD to me. We shall never mention it again, mmkkaayy?

• Teeth and Gum Problems

• Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies – I’d bet my left tit I have this.

• Vomiting

• Unexplained Weight loss – I wish. In my opinion, this is not a symptom. It’d be a benefit but I’m just sayin.

After seeing that I have so many of the symptoms and knowing that never before have I attempted to be gluten-free – I think it’s time I give it a shot. I’d love to not take preventive meds for migraines or antibiotics for acne and feel like general crap most days by cutting out gluten. I can’t even imagine what will happen if this works.

Today is Day 1.

Oh and I’ve told myself that any chocolate or sweets inevitably have gluten in them. I have no idea if this is true or not but I’m pretending they do because while I’m getting healthy I’d like to kick my addiction to sugar and processed crap. Do not comment and tell me there is no gluten in Skittles or Milky Ways. I will cut you.

There are sooo many gluten-free options out there – some even crappy ones – like gluten-free candy. I’m not doing that. I’m not going to eat the same shit I always did but just gluten-free. I’m aiming for health all-around.

I’m keeping a detailed journal of any vitamins I take and how I feel physically and mentally. Apparently I should keep a separate “stool” journal for as much as they are talked about above.

And just in case you’re worried that I’m gonna freak out with no sugar or go off the deep end since I might not be getting a lot of carbs….fear not.

Wanna know why?

Mountain Dew is gluten-free! Halle-freaking-luyah right?

Yes – smartasses – I am aware that I just said I want to aim for all around health above and Mt. Dew is a direct opposite of that but listen – cold turkey is CUH-RAZY. For me anyway.

So one tiny can of 8oz of Mt. Dew is my treat a day – with NO gluten.

Since some of you may ask – this is my plan for the day.

2 eggs w/ 2 pcs of bacon
4oz chicken breast, broccoli, one small potato
4 oz chicken breast, lettuce, spinach, gluten-free ranch dressing – salad
110 calories of Mt. Dew
Maybe a Lara bar (YAY – gluten free)
Shitloads of water

Vitamin D and magnesium (supposed to help with migraines)

Obviously this is new to me so if you see something in my plan that has gluten in it – please feel free to tell me.

And since so many of you have told me you eat gluten free – I have a question.

What do you order when you eat out?

Onward my G-free friends. Let’s do this!


Dawnya said...

I don't fart...I pressure!!! That is classic. LOL

The best food I've ever gluten free pizza!!! Yeah baby.

I'm proud of you for trying something new. Even though I think your ass should stay off WebMD. It's not healthy!!! LOL

Shug in Boots said...

You will become the queen of ordering sandwiches, burgers, and then not eating the bread. You could ask them to just leave the bread off so you don't waste it, but they always somehow alter the ingredients/recipe when you ask them to leave the bread totally off. On the other hand, the bread is tempting to eat when it's right in front of your face. Going gluten free will hopefully cause you to eat more veggies and fruits (and not fries like it did me). Salads will become your friend, and several soups, nuts ... is there a Mellow Mushroom near you? Gluten free pizza!! :)

Fat in Suburbia said...

I was tested because I have some of the symptoms but I'm not gluten intolerant or whatever they call it. Good luck-you can do it and I hope it makes you feel better!

Caron said...

I just started reading a blog and the writer, Heather, has been gluten free for some time and is now going vegan. She is sharing recipes which sound really good.

Cat said...

I have only recently started hearing about this Gluten intolerance. I understand that gluten is the protein in flour and other grains that make the bread dough stretchy etc. Interesting that intolerance to this protein can cause such havoc. I hope this helps get a handle on your migraines dear!

speck said...

I've heard of so many people that say they felt so much better after going gluten free. I've never attempted it. Well maybe once for a day. lol

Keep us updated. I would love to know what you think.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I hope it goes well, Draz. Hang in there and keep us posted.

Maren said...

I am super impressed with this, because I'm not sure I could do it! I hope you'll blog lots about the progress!

Lindsey said...

From the equally as dangerous as WebMd,

Malodorous-- adj. mal-oh-der-uhs having an unpleasant or offensive odor; smelling bad: a malodorous swamp.

Good luck on the gluten-free! May your pressures only be rose-scented from now on. A good friend of mine is complete celiac and avoiding gluten is seriously work! That junk is in a lot more foods than we would think.

mommykinz said...

Nut Thins are great gluten free crackers. Even though we're not gluten free at our house, we'd still rather eat these crackers. Made by Blue Diamond.
If you're a ceral person, Nature's Path makes a great gluten free ceral calle, cruunchy vanilla sunrise and for fun, EnviroKidz has Gorilla Munch. Its kinda like Kix.
Way to go Draz can't wait to hear how the day went.

MandaPanda said...

I know people who think that gluten is the devil so it is quite possibly causing your migraines along with the apparent myriad of other issues you have. I'm excited to hear how this goes for you but if we could keep describing your poop and whether or or not they float to a minimum, I'd appreciate it.

RockBand Barbie said...

Once you get the hang of what has gluten in it eating out is much easier. I usually stick with simple menu items...grilled chicken, salad, etc. Being completely gluten free is very hard in the beginning, but I swear I feel like a completely different person when I am gluten free. Good luck girly!

Perry Joyce said...

I'm mildly convinced, through entirely anecdotal evidence, that most people have at least some level of gluten intolerance. I went gluten free some years back and it was eye opening. Of course, I still eat gluten pretty regularly and just deal with the unpleasantness because I'm an idiot, but it *is* nice to pinpoint your problems. Good luck!

BEE said...

Gluten free won't help you lose weight it may make u gain. Dr oz just had a show about it and my son is gf andhe is a big boy. But it may ake u feel better

Sandy Lee said...

Here is my take on things. Stop being a Google-doc. But going gluten-free isn't harmful, so you have my blessing. And BTW, Malodorous is two words: Mal is French for bad and odor is, well, odor. So it means really, really stinky bad pressure. You know, clear the room smell.

Here are some foods with my comments that are gluten free.Several grains and starch sources are:
Corn (sorry, but this gives me malodorous pressure all the time)
Tapioca (mom used to make pudding from this and it looks like little eyeballs)
Arrowroot (you know those baby-cookies!)
Millet (I think it is related to corn-too lazy to look-up)
Montina (I have no f-ing idea)
Lupin (must be related to a wolf as that is how you say wolf in French)
Quinoa (Gilly's wonder food!--she even posted a recipe years ago)
sorghum (jowar) (I don't really want to know or try this one)
Taro (maybe those cards that read the future?)
Teff (again, I don't really want to know or try this one)
chia seed (go ahead and grow a pet)
Gluten is also used in foods in some unexpected ways, for example as a stabilizing agent or thickener in products like ice-cream and ketchup which really means you have to read the label on EVERYTHING.

People wishing to follow a completely gluten free diet must also take into consideration the ingredients of any over-the-counter or prescription medications and vitamins. Also, cosmetics such as lipstick, lip balms, and lip gloss may contain gluten and need to be investigated before use. Glues used on envelopes may also contain gluten.

Most products manufactured for Passover are gluten free. Exceptions are foods that list matzah as an ingredient, usually in the form of cake meal. So maybe convert to Judaism.

OK I got this from Wikipedia with some additions from me. And search as I could, I could not find if chocolate had gluten. Bet not.

Joanna said...

While I know that I'd never in a bazillion million years be able to give up my bread... I've heard a lot of good stuff about gluten-free diets. I've never heard of anyone that did it and had problems. There have been the occasional instance where people have given up because they enjoy their breads and pastas so much.. but everyone I know that has tried it said they felt a lot better, health wise, being gluten free.

I did have a convo with my doctor one time about it. He said that the gluten is one of the main things that slows down metabolism and causes a person to feel bloated and tired. It's also one of the reasons you get served break at restaurants - to fill you up and make you feel stuffed. I can't wait to hear how it goes for you. :)

Laura Belle said...

Oh my horny toots! The pressure comment had me LOL! And i'm sitting in a restaurant. People are staring. Shitballs.
You go girl! You can do this!

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm just hoping your Malodorous pressure doesn't offend. :)

FitBy40 said...

I was on the phone with hubby trying to not make it obvious that I was reading your blog and not listening to him until I read the 'pressure' thing. I lost it!
I second the comment about the Nut Thins comment, we love them too.
"Kind" bars are also GF if you need a snack on the go.

Leigh C. said...

My co-worker went gluten-free and says she feels the best she ever has. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

trisha said...

ok, you already have 835769835679567 comments on this, but i wouldn't feel like a good BOOBS member and Draz follower if I didn't add my one cents....

I have a very good friend that can not tolerate gluten and she has the SAME exact symptoms/side effects that you do! Especially the stomach pooching out thing - omg if she eats food high in gluten she will pop out like an 8 mo pregnant heifer!! no joke! and she was CONSTANTLY constipated and having assues. Can't wait to see how it makes you feel!!

Amy said...

ok, so i'm not gluten sensitive, buuuuut I'll just say that when I eat gluten free, I have the worst farts ever. EVER!!!

Esther Cotton said...

I eat grain-free, so by default I'm eating gluten-free (mostly paleo -- swear it's not that hard! LOL). I feel loads better than I ever did, and I've lost over 29 pounds. :)

Something you have to watch out for when going gluten-free are gluten-free products... I know, sounds like an oxymoron. The problem is some gluten-free products try to make up for no gluten by adding in a lot of starches, which means you could possibly end up gaining weight from excess starches and carbs... you just have to read the labels, and if you see a lot of starch-this and powder-that... probably best to steer away, or cut down portions of whatever the thing is.

When I eat out, I know I can never go wrong with salads (as long as they don't put croutons in them!) and I looove bunless burgers with bacon and guacamole. Also, chicken breasts, steaks, buffalo wings, salmon... with sides of vegetables are going to be gluten-free most-likely.

The only thing about eating out would be the hidden gluten... like wheat in gravy for thickeners, or the wheat that's in soy sauce. Restaurants even put wheat flour in soups.

It takes some trial and error, and you kind of have to get used to a new pattern... not mention your body adjusting (I went through wheat/carb withdrawal in the beginning), but after a few weeks, or a few months (depends on the person), I'm sure you'll feel loads better! I know I did. I'm overweight, but was surprised to find that my big stomach wasn't as big as I thought it was... a lot of it was carb bloat. Lol. And my mood swings, stomach problems, and a whole bunch of other things went away. It's awesome. :D

Good luck on your gluten-free eating!