Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Glorious poop.

Hello. I am Me. Hater of all words that begin with P – namely poop, pee, puke and pressures (aka farts). Ever since I announced this hatred to the blogging world, Karma has graced my daily life with sightings of some type of P word.

Let’s take this little story for example.

Rambo happened to be home in the morning so I didn’t want to get out of bed. We were chatting. I was laying on my stomach and he was rubbing my back as we talked. At one point, he turned into a 12 year old and even spelled “I love you” onto my back with his index finger to see if I’d notice.

It’s the shit movies are made of, right?

Sure. Well that is until I made the cardinal error and proclaimed, “Ugh, I don’t want to get up and I’m going to be late.”

To which Rambo’s ass replied with the loudest, most disgusting pressure EVER.

I kid you not – I sprinted from the bed – so as not to get any “pressure” remnants on me. Because the only thing worse than hearing or smelling a “pressure” is sitting in it’s air.

As I hear Rambo laughing and yelling, Look at how fast you can go!”

Minutes later, he’s in the bathroom with me and he wants to hug me.
I say, “Get away from me. You probably smell.”

He says, “Oh baby, don’t you know the first one out of the box never smells? The second – maybe – but never the first.”

Seriously? And then he has the nerve to say, “Just think – if I won the lottery, you’d get to have all of this every morning cuz I wouldn’t go to work anymore.”

Remind me to stop praying that you win the lottery asshole.

You’d think that for the day that I’ve had enough of dealing with things that make me want to hurl after Rambo shits the bed but nope. You’d be wrong. I got to work and I get a text from Watermelon.

W: Mom. Dad says that to start a morning off great people should take a poop because he did take a poop and he is going on and on about it.

My only reply was: “Jesus.”

W: Yup. Dad thanked Jesus for his glorious poop also.

And I never heard from her again.

I’m not sure what’s worse. My 11 year saying “glorious poop” before 8am or her texting me SOLELY about poop.

What the hell is wrong with my family?

Come to find out later – Rambo was dancing in the hallway before his glorious poop – to the rhythm of that song “Whoop – there it is.” Remember that song?

He’s dancing and yelling, “I feel a poop coming on, I feel a poop coming on. Whoop – there it is. Whoop – there it is.”

As my daughters nearly go comatose from giggling.

When will they learn that poop is not funny?

All before 8am.

I can’t wait for Explosive Man to get to work.

Let the “shit” continue.

19 comments:

jennxaz said...

I don't think men ever tire from P word jokes!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Ha Ha!!

Caron said...

About twenty-five years ago when my two girls were around 5 and 7, my husband would have tons of fun going into their room and saying their names to get their attention. THEN all he'd say was "pee pee, doo doo." They would go into convulsions of laughter. Yep, every single time. I had to smile even though I didn't actually approve. :)

Stephanie said...

For Sarah and her poop issues, we have become cheerleaders for her to actually go #2. We will cheer, "Push it out, push it out...way out!" What are we doing to my child?

Lucy said...

Haha your family sounds fun.

trisha said...

oh LAWDY that is some cray cray sheit!

Maren said...

Hahaha! :D

Rachel said...

i love your house.

MandaPanda said...

Eeeewwww...this is why God invented dads because moms don't do that. Gross.

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Ohh just think what life would be like in a house full of boys like mine! Nothing but pressures and all the "P" words that go along with it.

I seriously will curse anyone who wishes me to have another boy ever again! :)

Dawnya said...

Hilarious!!! I love your house too.

@ Stephanie...really a cheer song for poop? Equally hilarious.

Sam said...

Ahhh, Drazil, you are also good for a pick me laugh on my way to work :o)

Have fun with explosive man :p

Lyla said...

Hahaha! That's my kind of song. Who would torment you, if not the ones who love you?

FitBy40 said...

I still can't poo in front of the hubby, and wish he wouldn't do that in front of me!
If it makes you feel better, I didn't go today at all! ha ha ha.

Jessica said...

hahahah Can I install a camera in your house? I would make millions... or billions!

Rachellabelle said...

Sounds like your very own sitcom. :)

Laura Belle said...

You're killing me!!!
I heart me some Rambo. Even though he tortured you. lol

Ronnie said...

I dance around to Whoop There It Is when I poop, too. Such a rare occurrence! LOL

Amy said...

I'm going to have that song stuck in my head all night! :P