Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The one where my pink plaid balls of steel turn into oatmeal.

I hate oatmeal.

I much prefer pink plaid balls of steel.

Today would have been 3 weeks gluten-free. I say would have been because last night I ate a piece of cheese bread.

It wasn’t even that good. I just wanted to see if I could do it without my head exploding or my body turning into one big hive. My 6 year old keeps asking me if I still have “beehives” – and so far – they are gone.

With the end of the hives came the beginning of a migraine on Thursday. And Friday. And Saturday.
And Sunday.

And a trip to the E.R. I laid there begging Satan to give me the strength not to do the ugly cry because it would hurt my head so bad. For once he listened and I laid there – with tears just endlessly flowing out of my eyes as I sat still. No ugly cry – just tears of frustration.

The nurse asked me if I had any recent mental health changes and I said, “Yah, I’m pissed off.” To which he replied, “I’d be pissed off too. Now let me shove an IV in your arm and make your world go dark.”

I don’t remember much else. Except the pain being gone and Rambo putting me to bed.

I woke up migraine free – but still angry as hell.

To make matters worse, I told the doctor my gluten-free experiment and he said, “It’s highly unlikely that gluten caused your migraines.”

F*ck you! I wanted to scream. I can’t live like this!! I just can’t.

But that was the pain talking in that moment. And I keep replaying his words and I just feel defeated. I can’t help it. I just do. I was willing to do this one really hard thing forever if it kept me healthy – and it turns out – it ain’t gonna work.

Shitballs.

Sooo the new plan is to stay gluten-free 99% of the time. Listen – if my family is having pizza (which I haven’t had in 3 weeks!!!) – I’m going to eat it. The rest of the time I’ll keep eating gluten-free. It keeps my skin clear and my stomach doesn’t hurt so it’s worth it.

I’m going back on my migraine preventive meds. I have no choice. Not just for my quality of life – but for my kids.

I remember my girls asking me to do something with them as I laid on the couch before going to the ER and I mumbled that I couldn’t…I was too sick. And then I remember each of them – with their soft little lips – bending down and kissing me. One on the forehead and one on the cheek.

And walking away. That is not a memory I want my kids to have. I want them to kiss me in joy – not in sadness. I want more from myself than pain and laying on a couch for days at a time. I want to stop being angry at the hand I’ve been dealt in regards to migraines.

I want to spend my money on shoes and purses.

Not on hospital E.R. copays.

17 comments:

Darlin1 said...

Oh Draz....i'm so sorry you have to go through this...
You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday!

MandaPanda said...

I am so so sorry you had this happen! (HUGS)

Ebbs said...

I'm sorry that you had to go through that :(

spunkysuzi said...

Wow I'm so sorry you had to go through all that!! Hope the migraines stay the hell away for a long time for you.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

I'm so sorry I was so hoping the gluten free thing was going to the answer for your migraines. Do they know why you get them so often?

Cat said...

Poor darlin, I'm so very sorry they don't have an answer for you.

Ronnie said...

I'm sorry you're going through this, honey bunch. :(

jennxaz said...

Bummer thought you might have had something good going on with the gluten free

o.c. bandster said...

sorry Draz, I really thought the
"G free" was going to work for your migranes. hang in there!

Amanda Kiska said...

I think that the gluten free diet WAS helping with the migraines and the other symptoms too. Doctors don't know everything. He might be part of the Gluten-free-is-another-fad camp. The hives and migraine could have been a result of the accidental gluten ingesting that you did right before the hives came on. Don't give up. You went from multiple migraines to one a week or less. That's an improvement, whatever the cause!

Lyla said...

I'm sorry sweetie.

FitBy40 said...

I'm with Amanda. If you had such a severe reaction right after having bread, my money is on gluten.
I didn't go to medical school, but I do know that you were having a major improvement in all your symptoms, so that has to say something, right?!
Feel better. Thinking of you.

Joanna said...

I agree with everyone else... it sounds to me like the g-free was working. OK, so you had a migraine, but you hadn't had one in a long time before that. I'm glad you haven't decided to call it quits.. because even if staying off the gluten doesn't completely make all of the migraines go away - isn't it somewhat better to have much fewer?

Just my opinion. :)

mommykinz said...

Migraines have MULTIPLE causes. You've had one in 3 wks (granted it was terrible) but normally you would have had, what, 10x that many. Hang in there.
Could another trigger be weather changes, hormonal changes, stress, lights....
If you have a kindle, pm me, I'll lend you my migraine book if you're interested.
Hang in there.

Robyn's Nest said...

Hugs.
You know your body best. You felt that it was helping; don't give up yet. The doctors don't know everything

Robyn's Nest said...

Hugs.
You know your body best. You felt that it was helping; don't give up yet. The doctors don't know everything

Caron said...

I'm also glad you are not giving up on the gluten free experiment since it did seem to help a lot of your problems. Hope you're all better soon. :)