Thursday, January 12, 2012

PWPs.....People With Penises.

Yup, another “P” word. At least this particular P word doesn’t smell bad.

Wait…I suppose it could. I mean, I imagine homeless lepers wouldn’t have rosey-smelling penises now would they?

Oh God. Moving on.

I had three PWP (People With Penises) moments yesterday that made me want to stick dull butter knives into my ears or use said butter knife to cut off said penises.

Moment #1

Actually this is kind of like two moments in one cuz it’s about multiple penises.

Rambo’s computer all of a sudden stopped working. After not being able to fix it myself using the power of Google, I take it into my IT Support guys.

I walk in – say it doesn’t work and all three men look up and ask, “How much porn is on it?” Immediately it’s their first thought. Porn. Which leads to porn virus. It’s inevitable according to them.

Shitballs. I’d like to say none but I’m not too confident in that answer soooo I just laugh it off….”Ha, ha, very funny – now fix the damn thing!”

I leave. I come back later.

I walk back in and say, “How’s it going?”

Support guy says to me, “The machine is clean. I can’t find any porn on it and I’m actually shocked. Especially since he’s a guy. You must be doing pretty well at home.”

Yup – these people are my CO-WORKERS. What do you say to that?

Do I act proud and say, “Well yes, I am good at doing MY OWN porn, thank you very much.”


Do I pretend to be appalled and yell, “Go wash your mouth out – I have no idea what porn even is!”

I’m stammering and turning 18 bazillion shades of Satan red when he then says, “Well, I’m not sure I should have worked on this considering the explicit pictures on his screensaver.”

I’m freaking out thinking what in the name of grasshopper dicks is on Rambo’s screensaver?

Why can’t he just be normal and look at normal porn?

So we glance at the screensaver pictures. And I’m beyond sick to my stomach. I want to D.I.E. right there on the floor of the IT room – WHERE I WORK!

It’s me. In a bikini. At Jenny’s house. Repeatedly. Mixed in with shots of our family and motorcycle things and heavy metal band names and oh – full screen pics of my entire back tattoo with no shirt on.

No – not a big deal. In ANY other setting but AT WORK.

Like I said, it could be worse – but come on - go ahead and imagine watching that and seeing that with the MEN you work with in a corporate, professional environment. Like every day.

I feel violated. And it’s my own damn fault. I asked for their help.

Jesus balls.

Only people with penises would point out such things as “no porn – you’re doing well at home” OR “I saw you almost naked multiple times” to their co-worker.

If this had been women – we all would have pretended we saw nothing. Right?

Moment #2

A manager stopped by my office yesterday and saw I had rice cakes on my desk. He picked them up. Asked if they tasted like cardboard. I said no.

He then asked if they kept me full. I said not really.

He said, “I’ve lost 7 pounds in the last 4 days.”

I wanted to scream – GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY OFFICE.

He says he cut calories and runs and hopes to lose another 3 in the next 3 days to make 10lbs in one week.

I tell him, “You do realize this only happens to those of you with appendages between your legs.”

He smiles and says, “Yup.”

Mother asshole. I hate his skinny ass. I seriously do.

If this had been a woman stopping in, she would have said something like, “For the last 5 days I’ve only eaten a multi-vitamin and I’ve GAINED 10 lbs. Maybe I should try these rice cake thingys.”

Moment #3

This actually happened a while ago but I just remembered it. My brother was staying at my house. He got up and took a shower downstairs. That is Rambo’s bathroom. All things manly. No girl dares enter there.

He comes upstairs and I say, “Did you find everything you needed?”

He says, “Yah, something is weird though. I took a shower but I smell like the woods or dirt. Nature-y or something.”

Uh yah…you nimrod. Try reading labels when you are in another MAN’s bathroom (or how about ANY bathroom that isn’t your own?). That’s hunting shampoo you used and it’s literally dirt scented. You might want to shower again before you go home.

Apparently penises make you illiterate (or blind)(or stupid) once in a while.

If this had been a woman – um duh – she’d have brought her OWN damn shampoo.

There you have it! My little installment of PWP – People With Penises - moments.

Do you have any of your own? I’d love to hear them!


Shug in Boots said...

So over skinny dudes. Hubs can "just eat salads for lunch and supper for a week" and allllllll of his Christmas partyin gain is GONE. 2) I never take anything personal to be fixed by anyone I know. Just because. I'm afraid of shiz on there that I totally forgot about. Yikes. Sorry shug.

Cat said...

Haha we were giving an old laptop to my cousin a few years back. I made sure G went through the programs and history just in case. Never know what he looks at while I'm away. Haha.

Lucy said...

You need to post every day ten times a day i love reading your horror hahaha

FitBy40 said...

I'm mortified and dying of embarrassment for you right now.
I bet Rambo laughed about it, right? Men would think that's hilarious.

Kaycie Christine said...

These are HILARIOUS. I love it. And for each moment, what you said about what women would do was SPOT ON (at least, that's what I would've done)! Great post!

Jacquie said...

Lol...that is all!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Too funny. Men!

~Miss Lorie~ said...

You are a hoot! :) Thanks for the smiles!

Darlin1 said...

I don't want to go there.....


Amy said...

hahaha...I lost 22 lbs in one week on my pre-op-near-death-holy-crap-I-need-real-food diet. beat that, rice cake boy!

Rachellabelle said...

There's such a thing as hunting shampoo?? Wow, can you tell I'm a city girl.

P.S. Eff You to any guy that can lose 7lbs in 4 days. Seriously.

Sam said...

When I read #2 I just wante dot punch a random PWP. I hate that they can do that!

Everything else just made me giggle ;o)

Ms. M said...

Mr. Husband ALWAYS begs for me to send him "special" pictures when he is deployed. #1 is exactly why I always refuse. I can totally see them being spread around on every work computer or him having them open when the shift change guys come strolling in. Either way... I wouldn't be able to look the dudes in the eye and I have to see them way too often risk it, lol.

Justawallflower said...

OMG girl! I have my old lap top that I need to have disposed of, and I've completely whipped it clean, but it still sits here, a year later, cause I'm afraid of what they are able to pull off of it that I only "thought" I had gotten rid of! Stupid PWP's!!!

Joanna said...

After months...maybe years... of reading your blog, you'd have thought I'd have learned NOT to read and drink at the same time, right? Thankfully, the coffee missed my laptop..cause I'm not about to let a PWP fix it now.

Next time the 7lbs DB says something, sweetly look him in the eye and say "I lost 20lbs in one day after a baby fell out of my vagina... beat that!" I guarantee you'll never hear a word from him again. Eva. :)

tz said...

and yet, we still love them, those PWP's.

Laura Belle said...

LMAO!! Why are PWP buttwipes? Why?

The president of our company came in the other day and straight up asked me if we could CUT A HOLE in the tabletop of the $75,000 printer that I work on! WTF?!?! It's like if they have a little hangy down thing, half their brain cannot process common sense thoughts.

Jessica said...

Had moment 1 happen to me before.. I about died toO!