Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Something happened to my vagina that has never happened before.

And it has nothing to do with sex, you dirty little perverts. It’s not a good “something happened to my vagina” either. Damn it.

It is quite possibly one of thee worst vagina occurrences I’ve ever encountered. Second only to pushing a small watermelon out of it and having tummy tuck drain tubes stuck in the top of it for weeks.

It is seriously almost worse than both of those – put together.

Let me back up and start from the beginning.

Yesterday was a normal Monday. I felt all sassy when I woke up so I decided to actually put some effort into how I looked. I curled all of my hair. I used a bunch of new makeup and makeup brushes I bought. I freaking wore feather earrings. I put on a white shirt with a ruffle down the front and a belt around the waist.

Then? I put on my Gap jacket that is EXACTLY like my best friend’s jacket – except hers is black. That’s right – yours truly – with Jenny’s help – shopped all of Ebay and found a jacket just like hers so we could be twins and because I stalk her. No, it’s not weird. Why would you say that?

Anywhoozle, I felt pretty good.

Then strange things began to happen about mid-way through the day.

My armpits would itch like little aliens were tickling them with tiny feathers just to piss me off. I itched them and moved on. The back of my neck itched a few times. Whatever.

My left eye felt like it had a mosquito bite in the outside corner so I itched it. No biggie.

I went to my board meeting. I went to my daughter’s basketball game afterwards.

And on the way home – life exploded. Well, wait. Life didn’t explode but hives the size of OJ Simpson’s ego did.

Now I’m no stranger to hives. I get them all the time in social situations BUT they aren’t hives like this. I usually get red splotches on my chest. No itching. Nothing raised. I don’t even know they are there until someone says something or I look in the mirror. They go away within an hour.

But these hives I got last night – holy shit on a stick. THESE are hives. Raised bumps and welts more than 3 inches long. Everywhere where it seemed my clothes touched me. All along my bra line. My jeans line. My whole neck where my collar was. Even my hands and wrists. No lie – I had hives on my eyelids people.

My mother-effing eyelids.

You think that’s the extent of it? Nope – I had hives on my ears. On the top of my feet. Backs of my arms. Everywhere.

And let me tell you – the word “itch” does not even begin to cover it. I wanted to scrape my skin off with a butter knife.

So I sat on the couch – puzzled – itching myself like someone hallucinating on meth and praying we had benadryl. We did. I took some.

Every 10 minutes I’d go into Rambo and stand there naked and scream, “Look at me! Just look! I look like I ran through a barb-wire fence with no clothes on! I’m a leper!”

He said to take more Benadryl. I did. I freaking tried to overdose on Benadryl.

And then it happened.

A hive. In the space where your leg and crotch meet and bend.

I wanted to scream, “Oh the humanity!!!” but I decided that might scare my kids. Yelling that while frantically digging at my crotch may freak them out a bit. Hell – it freaked ME out.

So of course, one hive turns into like 80 and before you know it my vagina is encircled by hives. Outlined all pretty like someone was drawing a big circle around it.

Except it wasn’t pretty. It was red and blotchy and swelled and raised and it itched so bad that I thought I might die. Right there on my couch with a hivey vagina.

I walked to the office to show Rambo and I swear to you I had to walk bow-legged. It wasn’t pretty. Half-way there I couldn’t do it. I decided I’d just tell him they were there. No need for show AND tell. Just tell. He’d understand.  He'd thank me for it later.

I took more Benadryl. Don’t hate and don’t judge. Until your vagina looks like a hooker’s crab-infested hoo-haa – you don’t get to judge.

At some point, I fell asleep or went into a coma from overdosing but either way – I stopped itching.

I woke up this morning expecting my skin to have fallen completely off but it’s still on me. And there are remnants of my hives but nothing like last night.

Was it the coat from Ebay? (I thought I had washed it but now I think I might not have) The new makeup? Something I ate? Was it the feather earrings? Were they made from some NY alley pigeon with fleas?

Who the hell knows?

All I know is my vagina looks like a vagina today. And folks – let’s all admit – that on their own hive-less vaginas aren’t all that “pretty”. Can you even fathom what one looks like with hives encircling it?

Try not to. It will haunt you until the day you die.

Just trust me when I tell you it sucks grasshopper dicks. Here’s hoping the vagina hives don’t come back today because I’m pretty sure Human Resources might have something to say to me if I walk around with my hand in my pants itching my crotch all day.


Ice Queen said...

Holy shit! You poor thing. You had a reaction to something. What tho? Did you use different laundry detergent? Eat or drink something unfamiliar? Use a different body wash or lotion?

Makeup usually causes more localized reactions. I suppose a whole body reaction is possible but highly unlikely. If in doubt, do a patch test of the new products in the inner fold of your elbow.

Did you wash your makeup brushes before you used them for the first time? There may have been something on them from production that set off your reaction.

I hope that you remain hive free, today and that you figure out what it was that set you off.

Kristin50 said...

I know this is not funny my sweet, but I just laughed my ass off over this post, your hive infested vagina I just could not help myself!

I hope you feel better soon sweetie!

Kelly said...

Hmmm. So many come backs. Which one to choose? So conflicted! Glad to hear your vadge is back to feeling it's perky self again. :)

o.c. bandster said...

This could only happen to you! Hope all your parts are getting back to normal

vickyd said...

Yikes!! I've only had hives like that once (I'm not certain they extended to my vagina but I definately had them all over my body) and that was caused my a medication allergy. I don't think that clothes or makeup brushes would cause such a wide-spread reaction (I would think they would be more localized) so did you eat anything new or take any new medication or vitamins? That would be my best guess.

Anyway, I'm glad your girly bits are all non-hivey today and hope you can figure out what caused it so you can never do that again! ((HUGS))

Read said...

Here's hoping you have something really, really good happen to your vagina now - like the mother of all good things. It's only fair, right?

Those are the kinds of hives I get when I'm really stressed about something - they can show up wherever there is irritation to the skin, like where the bra rubs, or where I've accidentally scratched my skin, or where I held something to hard to tight, or the bend of any joints - though I can thankfully say I've never had them "there" before. I'm ever so sorry you had to experience that - cuz it truly does itch like a motherfucker!!!

NIKIA said...

OMG! I'm so sorry you were hived up but I love the humor you found in it. Feel better!

Ducky said...

That's one helluva allergic reaction! Mercy! And I do somewhat know what its like to have vagina hives. I found out the hard way that I am allergic to something in Monestat (or however you spell it..that over-the-counter yeast infection stuff).


Lucy said...

All I have to say is younshould write a screenplay about your life, people would eat it up younwould make millions. And I am very sorry you had such a itchy night

Justawallflower said...

Oh no, as funny as this is, I can't imagine the torture you felt! Did you change your laundry detergent? I got hives everywhere once when my mom changes detergents. Not fun!

Lyla said...

Oh honey! I have had a hive ON MY EYEBALL before, so I feel as though I can really empathize in theory.

I had a similar reaction to a coat I got at the thrift store (even after I had it dry cleaned). I quickly realized the previous owner must have had cats as this is my only major, eyeball blister-creating allergy.

Amanda Kiska said...

Oh my!

FitBy40 said...

My first thought was laundry soap too. Second thought, your body reacting to the gluten that may have been in that Chinese food you had the other night. I'd say after the bloating, and now this, that food is pretty high on the suspicious list in my book!

RockBand Barbie said...

hoo-ha hives...eeekk

Crystal Renee said...

Where the hell has your blog been all my life? Ugh! Seriously. I laughed my ass off when I read this, I am sorry, I get hives and I know how you feel, but your words, my heavens.. they cracked me up!

But not sure, does not sound like anything you did caused that, since none of the above touched your vagina. Have you switched soaps?

Sam said...

Are you sure you don't belong in a bubble :p

I hope you are okay, and maybe just try one new thing at a time, so that you can eliminate the culprit :o)

Stormy@Big Butt Theory said...

OMG i can't imagine ! Just glad to hear you are doing better. Take it easy til you know what the heck happened.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...


Joanna said...

Holy cow...whatever it was, I hope it doesn't EVER come back. I would suggest washing the coat..and then trying it again without anything else. My money is on the coat, because of how it spread all over.

And I hope this doesn't ever need to be considered.. but make sure you have calamine lotion on hand. Just in case.

Jessica said...

That happened to me when I changed perfume and laundry soap... did you change anything like that? You may have been allergic!

Leigh C. said...

I'm so sorry for your pain, but man, did that make me laugh:)

Amy said...

my condolences to your vagina!

Roo said...

Of all people, this could only happen to you!!! Hope it eases off soon and your vag jay jay gets better. Nothing worse than a itchy hoo ha.....

Maren said...

Haha, I have to say as Leigh.. I'm sorry for you, but it cracked me up :D

MandaPanda said...

OMG! I'm itchy just reading that!!! I'm glad things have calmed down today. I'd burn that whole outfit, the earrings, the make up...everything and start over. Sounds miserable!

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

You poor girl! Doesn't sound like a good time at all, I hope it all goes away and something reacted to you bad, no help telling what it was but its crazy your whole body broke out! Hope you feel better.

zionastar said...

I get hives in the crease of my thighs where yours started every month. Mine are caused by the sharp shift of hormones before menstruation. Isn't that THE BEST?! Luckily, my son's diaper rash ointment, Grandma El's, WORKS LIKE A MOTHER EFFING DREAM. I use that shit more than he ever has. If you think it may happen again, I suggest going out and buying a small tube (it's hypoallergenic and organic and all that jazzercise) to see if it works for you too.

I swear by it now. It also smells pretty, which means your bajingo doesn't smell like medicated foot wipes all day.

Julie Harmon said...

I'm so sorry! And I'm apologizing bc I just laughed so loud and so hard I work my husband up!
It's not funny- the hoo ha hives- but damn you can write woman!!
Glad your better!!

Cecelia Maudsley said...

I get hives rather frequently - someone who has paranoid schizophrenia and gets hives due to anxiety does not live a happy life.
One unfortunate evening, I got this horrid, horrid itch specifically on my left labia. I itched and itched and itched until I couldn't take it anymore. Now... I could feel that it was swollen, of course it would be after hives + relentless itching... But I hardly expected to see it swelled to, quite literally, the size of a golf ball. Oh my god, I sat in a hot bath with my legs spread like I was doing the splits and just cried a little inside. It was hands down my worst vaginal experience to date, and I hope to God it only gets better from here.

Buzzmoogy said...

One of the funniest things I've read in awhile. I stopped my HRT and have had hives for 4 months so I feel your pain. I did the whole prednisone, anaphylactic shock, epinephrine thing. It worked but they come back as soon as I stop. Whoever wrote this needs to be published. I was having the same problem when I came across this and laughter is the best medicine. Thank You. All the doctors said they've never heard of a connection between hives and menopause but all you have to do is google it so I am hoping going back on estrogen will help. ALSO note to Cecelia M.- Do NOT take a hot bath. Hot water aggravates hives. Instead, put an ice pack down there.