Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Toxicity. Of the farting kind.

I learned three little things over the weekend that I feel I must share.  Mostly because they are completely reedonkulous and partly because I'm already going to hell so I figure why not make more fun out of innocent people?

Are you ready?  Here we go.

1.  A couple I know through another friend I know was getting married.  Scratch that - renewing their vows.  They wanted to do it in my friend's place of business.  She said, "Sure.  Why not?"  When I asked her how the renewal went - she said the best part of the renewal was the aisle.  Yes friends, the aisle the couple walked down. 

You know those runner thingys that you can rent for probably less than $25 - with the handy dandy strings on the sides so your ushers can just eloquently walk down the aisle and romantically lay out the "red carpet" that the lovely bride shall walk down like in all the movies?

Welllll - that ain't happening here.  This couple is Mr. and Mrs. Frugalmeister.  They went to Walmart.  Bought two plastic red tablecloths for 99 cents each and duct taped them together.  Voila! 

We've got a runner for the bride!!!  Winner winner chicken dinner, right? 

It didn't roll out romantically in case you are wondering.  It was "folded" out.  Duct tape side down, duh.

Never ever could I have stood there without my jaw hanging open.  I just don't have that kind of class in me.

2.  To give you a little background - before Rambo was a correctional Sargent, he was a semi driver and before that he farmed.  Here in Podunk, all of those careers basically mean that every other word out of your mouth starts with F and rhymes with truck.  It's almost a requirement.  Some people even put it on their resumes..."Able to swear like all the other hillbillies around me."

Rambo has the uncanny ability to turn it off and on.  He jumps in the semi and he's like a swearing sailor.  He gets out - he refrains.  Same with the prison. 

However, we have a couple of guy friends who don't turn it off - for anyone.  The F word to them is literally like saying the word "the".  They ain't gonna refrain for anyone.  So when our friends go to their relative's houses for things like Christmas - things can get dicey.

Mostly because their relatives do NOT swear - under any circumstances.  In fact, even words like "sucks" or "crap" or "dang" - are NOT allowed.

Actually - they have a term for such words.  If someone says one, they gasp, point at the perpatrator and yell this "term".


So when our friend accidentally slips up and says "ass" or "this sucks" or anything of that manner - the whole damn family points at him and yells "TOXIC WORD".

It's like the person is a leper or has the plague and you should run from them.

Toxic.  Hmmm.  And here I thought toxic only applied to what Explosive Man does in the bathroom.

I find "toxic words" amusing.  I cannot live without them.

Try this the next time someone swears around you.  Freak out, point, gasp and yell TOXIC WORD!  See what happens.

If you get slapped, do not blame me.

3.  Lastly, this same family has children - as I mentioned.  And children as we know - fart a lot.  But in this family - no one is allowed to say the word fart because um, duh - it's a TOXIC WORD.

What do you suppose is an appropriate word for farting ?  Shitting one's pants?  Dropping ass ?  Colon blowing?

Nope - as you can see - none of those work.  They are all toxic.

When a person farts (TOXIC WORD) - we shall call it "pressure".

For example: 

Oops, I just "pressured".

Holy shit (TOXIC WORD) , I feel a huge "pressure" coming on.

My God, that "pressure" just cleared the room.

Shitballs (TOXIC WORD) , that "pressure" was juicy.

See?  I can't even talk about "pressuring" without saying a TOXIC WORD.

There you go.  The next time you're in a board meeting or in church or somewhere where farting (TOXIC WORD) is inappropriate...go ahead and blow one out.  Just tell everyone it was a bit of "pressure" and no one will give a damn (TOXIC WORD).

F*ck (TOXIC WORD) a duck and call it Larry.

I wouldn't last a second in that family.


Miz said...

OMFG you make me laugh.
and Im stealing this for our family :)

Maren said...

Pressure?? What the ..... :D hahaha! You crack me up!

Caron said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm laughing out loud at 5:20 AM. Thank you. :)

Joanna said...

LOL - you reminded me of my grandparents. We weren't allowed to say "fart" either...we had to say we passed gas. My brothers used to say "here, Jo, I just passed you some gas" and then roll around the floor in uncontrollable laughter that usually resulted in even more gas being passed.

I'm pretty sure that if my brothers were just allowed to fart, it would have saved me many trips to the bathroom puking my guts out. My brothers have toxic asses.

tz said...

you need to put a disclaimer for people to swallow their coffee before reading your posts....

When I was in labor I let those toxic words FLY, my husband said I would have made a truck driver blush :D (it really hurt).

FitBy40 said...

Oh the red carpet is priceless! I was waiting for you to say someone slipped on the slippery table cloth and went down!

Cat said...

Toxic words...that hurts my brain. : )I wouldn't last two seconds because though I can absolutely control use of the f-bomb, things like sucks, damn, shit etc. Those flow like nectar. : )

Laura Belle said...

HAHAHAHA Colon blowing!!! LOL!!!!

This just made my day.

Heart you!!!

jennxaz said...

colon blowing......HA HA HA you crack me up!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

You will hear a lot of toxic words around my house. There has to be some way to blow off steam besides farting.(There is plenty of that too, thanks to Dail) But when tempers flare you can't just beat the shit out of the people who piss you off. That would get you in jail. So, you let loose with a few choice words and get it all off your chest. It works for us.

Stacey said...

I need to visit your town, for the sheer entertainment value! Thanks for the laugh!

Miss April said...

WTF? I'd be pointed at with TOXIC WORD screamed every ten minutes. I admire Rambo's ability to turn it off and on - I can not. I swear all the time because I'm a Lady like that! :)

Amanda Kiska said...

Pressure? That is hysterical!

Carrie said...

Hahahahahaha!!!! I would never last in that family. I have no sensor and definitely cannot turn it off and on!

And I'm totally dying over the "red carpet". I would not have been able to sit there for that one!!!!

RockBand Barbie said...

When my mother in law was alive she never wanted anyone to say those "toxic" words around here either, and she wouldn't say the word fart. She would say "oh please excuse me...I must have stepped on a frog"

Jessica said...

hhahah I wouldnt last either... LOL

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

I just had to refrain from spitting water all over my computer on multiple occasions while reading this!
So all I have to say is- holy fucking shit they are out of control!... whole sentence was TOXIC!
I would have to curse left and right just so they would lighten up a little :) You always make my day!
Miss you lady!