Wednesday, February 1, 2012

If I were President.

My blogger friend Raven wrote a post called, “If I were Prez” and she asked us, her fellow bloggers – the same question. So I’m answering. Cuz it’s fun. And sort of political. And I love me some politics.

If I were President:

Every single person on this Earth would have a traveling bathroom all their own. You’re the ONLY person who ever uses it. It can have TVs and music inside or be decorated in lime green pot leaf wallpaper if you want. It’s yours. No one else on this Earth will ever explode in the same toilet you do. Perfection right? Oh and yes – every model automatically cleans itself. You’re welcome.

A full week of work would consist of 4 days a week. Weekends would be 3 days instead of two. People need less work time and more family time.

Every man or woman who hurts a child in any way would be sent to prison. The sentence would be life BUT I’d put them in general population to ensure they wouldn’t live beyond a year. The prisoner code of ethics would take care of them and they wouldn’t be a tax burden anymore – nor would be they alive. Which, in my opinion, is how it should be.

Every person who has sex without birth control or thinks they may want to have kids should be required to lease a trial child from the government for 6 months. The person should have to be that child’s mother or father 24/7 for 6 months. Pay for diapers, daycare, food, shelter. Be up at 4am 6 nights in a row with projectile vomit covering them while their friends are out partying. Learn what it’s like to have someone else own your heart in a way you never imagined.

After 6 months – give the kid back to the government. Then feel free to have your own – if you dare. No – I obviously don’t really think lease-a-kid would work (the poor kid) but I think about 80% of the people who have kids are seriously underestimating what it involves. (myself included)

We would send no money to any other country until every single person in this country is fed, nourished, in school, sheltered and safe. Are there any countries that send us financial aid just for our poor and weak? I could be wrong but I don’t think so.

Pre-school for children would be non-existent. Pre-pre-pre-school for pre-schoolers would be done with. Pre-kindergarten would be done with. No one my age ever went to pre-school or pre-K. When you turned 5 – you went to school. Before 5 – you got to be a kid in daycare or at home – but not in “school”. Kids need to be kids until they are 5. They’ll spend half their damn life in school if they go to college. I think they can wait to enter until they are 5.

Pink would be our national color.
Drazil would be our national mascot…because let’s face it – everyone has inner demons.
Sheniqua would be put on $1 bills. The bills would be pink and very rare. Collectible even.

The welfare system would get a HUGE restructuring. If you are physically and mentallly able to work but refuse not to because flipping burgers at McDonald’s is beneath you – then you can’t have welfare. If you quit a good job because you didn’t like having to punch a time clock and you figured you’d just live off unemployment – um nope – you don’t get it. If you want welfare or unemployment or government benefits – you need to have proof that you can’t work, were let go due to downsizing and that now you are applying for jobs 24/7. If you have a real disability or work 3 jobs and still qualify for welfare via income qualifications – then I’ll gladly hand you government checks myself. You deserve them.

Oh and one more thing – you have to pass a urine test before you get a government welfare check since I have to pass one to earn it for you.

If your underwear are visible under your pants or the waistband of your pants is hanging at your knees….you cannot leave the house or you will be tackled by a mob of angry adults and given a proper wedgie. The adults will suffer no repurcussions for doing so. It won’t even make the evening news. It’s the law.

Congress and Senate would be run by real men and women – kind of picked randomly like jury duty. People from all classes and all states, all educations and all backgrounds. You can only be in term for 1 year – not 20. Your student loans don’t get forgiven. You don’t earn 50 bazillion taxpayer dollars as a salary. You get paid what you’d get paid out in the real world. You don’t get special healthcare. You don’t get a huge pension for the rest of your life. You don’t get to only work 2 days a week with recesses every other month. Special interest groups can’t pay you. You don’t get to take money in a re-election campaign….cuz you only get one year remember? Make it count.

You can earn money credits off your college loans for every hour you volunteer. You can earn $5 for every volunteer hour you log. So if you log 100 hours volunteering in the local nursing home or 200 hours at Big Brother – you can have $500 or $1000 wiped off your college loans. Imagine the people helped and the things learned and the time spent NOT binge drinking if college kids were out volunteering.

If you’re a celebrity and you want to get married, you have to pay a one million dollar “I know this will end in divorce and scandal but I’m going to do it anyway” fee to the government. A special committee will use this money to rebuild poverty-stricken or natural disaster-stricken areas. And yes – you have to pay the fee – EVERY time you decide to marry. We don’t give multiple marriage discounts.

The end.

Soooo – wanna elect me?

What would YOU do if you were President?

PS – these are just my opinions…if you disagree – you’re welcome to….just don’t be nasty about it. Mmkkaayy?


LoriBang said...

Holy crap do you have my vote! I couldn't agree more! WOOHOO!

Ice Queen said...

As divergent as your and my political views are, If this could happen, I would definitely vote for you. But you have to choose me as your veep. :D

Maren said...

If I was American, I would vote for you!

MandaPanda said...

Are you 35 yet? Cause I will totally write you in for pres this election!

Jessica said...

You have my vote!!

I would totally do 10,000 hours of Community service to wipe out my loans!

Kelliann said...

Yeah. I'm TOTALLY voting for you! WOOHOO!

Jazzing up Jackie said...

Love it. I'd absolutely vote for you.

RockBand Barbie said...

You have my vote just based on the sagging pants rule alone...I have seen more teenage ass than in the past 14 years as a teacher than I ever, ever wanted or imagined that I could.

Sam said...

You have my vote and I'm not even American :p I move there and become a citizen to have that type of leadership :o)

terbear287 said...

I would so vote for you. You would rock as Prez... hell all of us normal every day women could make a huge difference to the entire universe.

Sandy Lee said...

I can't. They have this dumb rule that you have to be born in the US. But you could be Prime Minister here. They'll take anyone. Although I think most world leaders are boobs. That's all lower case if you know what I mean.

Miss April said...

Agree! Agree! Agree!

Lonicera said...

Nice that you should look after children's interests so firmly, though I'm a little nervous about the children you'd allow the state to lend out to potential parents for 6 months - wouldn't want to be in their shoes!!
No, not pink.... GREEN...........

mallory said...

You have my vote!! Especially the pink, I'm do sick of primary colors everywhere. Pink... And glitter too

Joey said...

d'oh! Love the urine comment.

Joanna said...


The only suggestion I have would be changing out real babies for those mechanical babies that they give kids in high school. Those things cry constantly, need feeding every 4 hours on the hour, and if anyone can stand 6 months of that... they've got parenthood running through their veins!!

Amy said...

If I was the prez, I'd give people sentenced to death the option of just doing it and saving us a whole lot of money. If they want to be dead, let them. My pocketbook would say thank you.

jennxaz said...

If I knew what it was like to have kids I would have never had one! Lol !

jennxaz said...

If I knew what it was like to have kids I would have never had one! Lol !

Jessica said...

I make a motion: We shall all band together in November and write you in!!!!

Joey said...
For serious ;)

Katy said...

Love this! I especially like your law for earning money towards student loans by doing volunteer work!!

Shug in Boots said...

Totes. Especially the shit about the urine test. Government creates shit and then they are too lazy to monitor it = "I got five kids and I ain't payin for neah one! Holla!"

Impulsive Addict said...


So, how do we throw you into the running?

I think everyone should have to pay to get married. Maybe less divorce? But yes, celebs need to pay $1million. It reminds me that Kim K is stupid.

Great post girly!!! xoxo

Desert Singer said...

♥ ♥ ♥ Love Love Love.

You have my vote. I concur with previous comments about volunteering to wipe out student loans -- that would be seriously awesome.

Genius --> YOU! :D

Raven said...

I love love love love love love everything here. So much so that I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget.

LOVE the traveling bathroom. obviously.

LOVE that the child molesters would be with the main population in prisons. Let them be gone with and yes, save us the tax money!

I think we should go beyond the rent-a-child and make people get a license to bear children. Like, every girl should be sterilized at birth and if she shows she is competent to bear a child, the procedure will be reversed and she can have a family.

LOVE LOVE LOVE that our country won't give a dime to another before OUR OWN people are fed and nourished. However, the more I think about this, the more I may be a leeeeeetle on the border here. The druggies? The child molesters? They deserve to die a slow miserable death with no food or water.

gosh there was one other thing. Now i have to publish this comment and go back and read so I can remember. Why don't you have a pop up comment for btw? :)

Raven said...

oh yeah! the pre-pre-preschool and the celebrities signing the million dollar form to get married. GENIUS.



I would vote for you over me for Pres ANY day!

Laura Belle said...

Genius lovebug, genius!

I think I would also pay our teachers more. At least the ones that really deserve it....that their kids are excelling and their programs help the school or whatever. Just a thought.

Heart you!

Ronnie said...

Drazil 2012!

Also, I think we should quit the foreign aid stuff, too... but from what I understand, if the wealthiest country in the world stops helping others, we lose allies.

Shitballs. All of our "friends" really just want our resources.

MrsFatass said...

You have my votee!

Justawallflower said...

I think we should all write you name in this year!!!! I would totally vote for you!!!