Monday, March 19, 2012

Alone.

Do you ever feel like you’ve literally been shot in the heart at point blank range?

And just like in the movies, you gasp in horror. You clutch your chest as your hand begins to turn crimson red while your shirt soaks with thick blood. You realize in that moment you’re facing death and you can either fight the urge to fall to the ground or just let go and crumple and give in.

Then a part of you realizes it doesn’t matter. Fight or let go. Either way – you still have a gaping hole in your chest that brings a pain you can’t put into words – but you aren’t dead. You’re alive. And like a majority of other humans around you – you’re just going to continue living – with a hole in your chest the size of Texas – pretending it’s not there. Pretending it doesn’t hurt. Pretending you don’t give a damn. Never ever really mending the wound.

And when people start to point at the pain oozing from inside of you or God forbid – when they dare to ask, “are you alright?”….you start to become a pro at using bricks and mortar to build walls around yourself. Walls so thick no one can see the blood still trickling from your pain. Walls eventually so thick people stop asking and caring or trying to see past them…just like you had planned.

And then one day – you realize that you’re alone. Not alone as in I’m at work and no one else is in the building. Or I’m at home and everyone else is out.

Really alone. You have no one but yourself.

That moment of realization for me – is more crushing and life-changing than the bullet to my chest. Isn’t this what I wanted? To be alone? To stand on my own two feet pretending that I need no one?

The realization is suffocating. There’s not a single person on this Earth who has ever held all of me. There’s not a single human that lives and breathes that I believe will never leave me or betray me or walk away.

To know without a shadow of a doubt that people can not possibly make promises using words like “never” or “always” nearly crushes my sanity. I’m the only one who will never leave me. So I will literally make the choice to close up the gaping hole that pain and heartbreak has left in my body. There will be pieces and parts of me that no one will ever see. I will pretend to trust many but the reality is I don’t trust anyone.

I never have. I never will.

I’m sure it’s a question of worth. Actually not so much a question – but a statement of my own non-worth. I won’t trust or love fully because on the flip side – I will never believe I’m worthy of it. Ridiculous as that sounds – you cannot make me believe otherwise. And let’s face it – your actions towards me have always proven me right.

All I have is me. To lay my head down on my pillow at night knowing I’m surrounded by people and yet feel completely alone – is unbearable. It’s cruel and it’s scary.

Yet I chose it. And I keep choosing it.
 Every.
 Single.
 Day.

The alternative? Actually letting someone in. Believing in love. Trusting.

They’ve never been worth the risk to me. I’ve always ended up where I began.

Which is alone.

Somewhere along the path that is my life – something broke in me. Hope left me. The ability to believe in fairy tales and love and family and forevers and joy disappeared. A culmination of moments occurred and I know that I could pinpoint every one of them if it would matter.

But it doesn’t. Finally realizing I’m alone builds inner strength. Living for love or the possibility of forever or trust or unbreakable family bonds for me – has always been a little like hanging on to the edge of a cliff with one finger…knowing some day I’ll have to fall.

I don’t know why I fought it so long. Believing and hoping and trusting…in life and love and people and dreams. I built the walls around myself yet I continued to hope I was wrong about needing them. And that hope led me here.

To the truth – for me.

You can not hurt me – for I am unreachable. I have nothing left to hurt. That gaping hole in my chest used to bleed and now it’s just empty. I am hollow.

Oh yes, I can still feel and love and live but it’ll never be the authentic me doing that. It’ll be the part of me that can do that without needing you to love me back. It’ll be the part of me that you can’t touch. What I feel for you is genuine but I’ll never let myself care if you return the feeling.

I don’t know if it’ll be like this forever. I just know it’s like this now. It doesn’t even feel sad. It just feels like reality. Like I’m finally seeing straight now that all hope is gone. It took so much energy to believe in people and to want other people’s love and to trust in generic goodness…and now – that’s over.

I am alone. And maybe that’s the coward’s way out. If it is – so be it. I lost the will to fight for anything else. Holding on to false hope was exhausting to say the least.

And for what?

For nothing. I was born alone and I’ll die alone. It is what it is.

I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make anyone stand beside me. I can’t stop betrayals. I can’t require forever and always. I can’t force people to keep promises or answer prayers. I can’t make blood mean more than something that simply flows through your veins.

For me – promises and forevers and blood lines and fairy tales and happily ever afters just don’t exist anymore.

They never did. I just refused to see that before.

28 comments:

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I know. I have walls too but they are crumbling because of my illness and making me very vulnerable. I tore down the walls myself once before and my worst fear was realized when Dail left me. We are together now, but I can never forget that for a while, he didn't love me. He was the one person who I trusted enough to open myself too. Now there is no one that I feel safe revealing everything to. I don't know if I will ever trust that way again.

I don't know what has happened to inspire this post for you but I want you to know that I am here and that I understand how you feel. Hugs.

Losing It said...

My heart aches right now reading this. *hugs*

Read said...

I love you.

Fab Kate said...

It's a feeling, not a state of being. And it's tough, I know. I spend a lot of time feeling alone.

Sometimes that feeling of alone, that emptiness, can be crushing. And at some point in our lives, we all feel it. The question is, at which point does that feeling of emptiness become something we need to treat? At which point is it not part of the natural flow of our lives, but a manifestation of illness?

Take care of you. If it gets too bad, get help.

You may feel alone, but we're all alone together.

vickyd said...

(((HUGS)))

My heart hurts for you...

Dawnya said...

My love for you is always yours. Don't worry about returning it...just know that it is here.

Your pain is so real and so strong...all that is left is for prayer. I will pray for you with an urgent intensity.

I love you, darlin'!!!

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Feeling alone comes to me so often as well. I have a hard time dealing with it. The feeling that you are explaining is something that only people that feel this way can understand. You literally feel like you have a hole in your stomach. Probably one of the reasons that I got so over weight. I was trying to fill it so that the hole didn't feel so big.
You are a very lovely lady and so very funny and beautiful. You have many friends and your family at home that can help you fill that hole. I will keep you in my thoughts in hopes that you can feel everyone's presence and help you not feel so alone

Kelly said...

I've put walls and barriers up my whole life, too, so I understand what it means to be alone. I'm hurting for your just reading this post. But Draz - you have an entire family that loves you. And I don't just mean Rambo and the girls, although they of course count. I'm talking about us, this community right here. Never question how much we love you. Never question how much I love you. :-)

bbubblyb said...

I don't know what to say. I hope you're ok. I'm praying for you too. *hugs*

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

This makes me sad.

Gilly said...

*hugs*

Ronnie said...

Can completely relate. *hugs*

I don't know how we're supposed to be able to, but if you find out... let me know.

Barbara said...

Sweetie.. whatever it is you are feeling.. know that you have a huge circle of friends here that love you.. super big hugs.. I wish I could bring you comfort and make your heart calm..

Laura Belle said...

You're not alone.
You have me!
And many others!
You just have to be brave enough to let some of those bricks fall, and trust that the right people will never leave you.

But when the wrong person does, know that they aren't worth it anyway. It's not your fault. And you should confidently say, "they screwed up. they're fault. I did everything, gave everything, and THEY f*cked it up. Not me."

I know it's easier said than done. But you CAN trust. And YOU ARE NOT alone.

Jen said...

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray! You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

You are NEVER alone.

I love you.

Sarah said...

Oh Draz, that is so sad. I cannot imagine the pain you must be in. Surround yourself with your children, friends and loved ones and continually remind yourself what you would do for them because if you would walk through fire for them, they certainly would for you. That doesn't mean you ask them to, want them to or think they should but maybe they feel the same way about you doing it. xx

Blog Wobble said...

You just put into words what I have been feeling and living with for almost 18 months.
Thank you for voicing what I have not been able to.
<3

Sandy said...

Have you ever read the poem, Footprints in the Sand. I'm here to tell you that we too will carry you through this alone time. Because there are a lot of us that really do care. Your post made me cry. At work.
Love you bunches.

And I also want to add that you have two little girls who know you walk on water and will love and trust you forever and ever.

Sam said...

{{{Hugs}}}

I wish I could help.

Maren said...

Hugs! ♥

Robyn's Nest said...

Oh Hon, I wish I could help you.

o.c. bandster said...

Big hugs Draz. I understand what you are saying, but wish you didn't feel so alone.

Chris said...

Oh, draz, I'm sorry - I really don't know what else to say, other than telling you that you are stronger than you feel, and that you are loved beyond measure in this blogging family. I'm holding you in my heart.

LoriBang said...

I'm thinking of you! Big time hugs coming from far away Dakota land! Know that you are a strong and vibrant woman and look at what you have been through in this weight loss journey! You have DONE it, you can weather this too! Hang in there!

Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

what is going on? Are you ok? Well I know this much. I have mostly definitely felt that way and often do feel that way depending on the day. But no matter how you feel you're not alone. You have a ton of people on this side of the computer screen who care about you. Albeit blog land, but I think you're pretty awesome. whatever is happening I hope that it will pass. You are truly one of a kind.

Caron said...

I could have written this post. I know every feeling you've written. Sadly, we are all human and weak. I found when the trust is gone, there isn't a lot left. I hope you do better from here. Time does help but wouldn't it be nice if it could reverse some things?

Cat said...

I think it's easy for us to all say, you aren't alone, you have us! However, we aren't really there with you and anyone of us could leave blog land forever.

I wish there were something concrete I could offer that might ease the alone, but I just don't have the words. I wish I could help. I honestly feel you are right. As much as we love our friends, family and significant others, you are right. Anything could happen and even if it's not that persons fault, we could be left alone. It's sad and scary. Thank you for sharing this today.

Cindylew said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this thing that is making you feel so sad and lonely. You have much love surrounding you including mine and I pray our love is a comfort to you in some small way. Keep your chin up until our prayers kick in.