Do you ever feel like you’ve literally been shot in the heart at point blank range?
And just like in the movies, you gasp in horror. You clutch your chest as your hand begins to turn crimson red while your shirt soaks with thick blood. You realize in that moment you’re facing death and you can either fight the urge to fall to the ground or just let go and crumple and give in.
Then a part of you realizes it doesn’t matter. Fight or let go. Either way – you still have a gaping hole in your chest that brings a pain you can’t put into words – but you aren’t dead. You’re alive. And like a majority of other humans around you – you’re just going to continue living – with a hole in your chest the size of Texas – pretending it’s not there. Pretending it doesn’t hurt. Pretending you don’t give a damn. Never ever really mending the wound.
And when people start to point at the pain oozing from inside of you or God forbid – when they dare to ask, “are you alright?”….you start to become a pro at using bricks and mortar to build walls around yourself. Walls so thick no one can see the blood still trickling from your pain. Walls eventually so thick people stop asking and caring or trying to see past them…just like you had planned.
And then one day – you realize that you’re alone. Not alone as in I’m at work and no one else is in the building. Or I’m at home and everyone else is out.
Really alone. You have no one but yourself.
That moment of realization for me – is more crushing and life-changing than the bullet to my chest. Isn’t this what I wanted? To be alone? To stand on my own two feet pretending that I need no one?
The realization is suffocating. There’s not a single person on this Earth who has ever held all of me. There’s not a single human that lives and breathes that I believe will never leave me or betray me or walk away.
To know without a shadow of a doubt that people can not possibly make promises using words like “never” or “always” nearly crushes my sanity. I’m the only one who will never leave me. So I will literally make the choice to close up the gaping hole that pain and heartbreak has left in my body. There will be pieces and parts of me that no one will ever see. I will pretend to trust many but the reality is I don’t trust anyone.
I never have. I never will.
I’m sure it’s a question of worth. Actually not so much a question – but a statement of my own non-worth. I won’t trust or love fully because on the flip side – I will never believe I’m worthy of it. Ridiculous as that sounds – you cannot make me believe otherwise. And let’s face it – your actions towards me have always proven me right.
All I have is me. To lay my head down on my pillow at night knowing I’m surrounded by people and yet feel completely alone – is unbearable. It’s cruel and it’s scary.
Yet I chose it. And I keep choosing it.
The alternative? Actually letting someone in. Believing in love. Trusting.
They’ve never been worth the risk to me. I’ve always ended up where I began.
Which is alone.
Somewhere along the path that is my life – something broke in me. Hope left me. The ability to believe in fairy tales and love and family and forevers and joy disappeared. A culmination of moments occurred and I know that I could pinpoint every one of them if it would matter.
But it doesn’t. Finally realizing I’m alone builds inner strength. Living for love or the possibility of forever or trust or unbreakable family bonds for me – has always been a little like hanging on to the edge of a cliff with one finger…knowing some day I’ll have to fall.
I don’t know why I fought it so long. Believing and hoping and trusting…in life and love and people and dreams. I built the walls around myself yet I continued to hope I was wrong about needing them. And that hope led me here.
To the truth – for me.
You can not hurt me – for I am unreachable. I have nothing left to hurt. That gaping hole in my chest used to bleed and now it’s just empty. I am hollow.
Oh yes, I can still feel and love and live but it’ll never be the authentic me doing that. It’ll be the part of me that can do that without needing you to love me back. It’ll be the part of me that you can’t touch. What I feel for you is genuine but I’ll never let myself care if you return the feeling.
I don’t know if it’ll be like this forever. I just know it’s like this now. It doesn’t even feel sad. It just feels like reality. Like I’m finally seeing straight now that all hope is gone. It took so much energy to believe in people and to want other people’s love and to trust in generic goodness…and now – that’s over.
I am alone. And maybe that’s the coward’s way out. If it is – so be it. I lost the will to fight for anything else. Holding on to false hope was exhausting to say the least.
And for what?
For nothing. I was born alone and I’ll die alone. It is what it is.
I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make anyone stand beside me. I can’t stop betrayals. I can’t require forever and always. I can’t force people to keep promises or answer prayers. I can’t make blood mean more than something that simply flows through your veins.
For me – promises and forevers and blood lines and fairy tales and happily ever afters just don’t exist anymore.
They never did. I just refused to see that before.