Tuesday, March 6, 2012

BUT I'm fat.

I hate my BUT.
My but. Not my butt as in my ass because I’m actually pretty okay with my ass. I mean it’s a bit bigger than it’s supposed to be but I don’t hate it.

I do hate my other but. You know – this one…

I love my jobs….BUT I’m fat.
I have to go to the grocery store…BUT I’m fat.
I love my house…BUT I’m fat.
I have to do laundry…BUT I’m fat.
I love my family…BUT I’m fat.

That’s the BUT I hate. The BUT I’m fat BUT. I attach it to everything. I’m 99% blissfully okay and happy with everything in my life except that one teensy little thing.

My weight.

I let my “BUT I’m fat” card become my answer and ending to every sentence. No matter how anything begins in my life – it’s always going to end in “BUT I’m fat.” 

That BUT taints every moment in my life these days...

I guess I knew was in trouble when I literally started researching weight loss surgery in Mexico by Dr. Longduckdong and asked Rambo to pay for it out of pocket.

Apparently, it’s time to admit it. I’m struggling. I’m downright sucking. I have been for a while now. I’ve spent more time in the last few months “trying” to get my mojo back than I have spent dreaming about Milky Ways. That’s a lot, folks.

For years, I was gung ho about my weight and diet – obsessive even. Running 5 miles a day, never missing a day. Eating right – every day…never going astray. Paying $5000 out of my shoe and purse fund to have a plastic surgeon give me a tummy tuck – while I swore this lifestyle and my weight were never going to go backwards again.

Imagine the guilt I feel now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – 2lbs or 20lbs or 200lbs….on me – it all feels the same.

It feels yucky. It feels wrong. It feels like I’m abusing my body. Like I’m not giving a damn about myself. It feels like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. It feels like increased migraines. It feels like me grumpier. It feels shameful.

Right or wrong, valid or invalid – that is how extra weight makes me feel.

On my 5ft 3in frame, 20 lbs extra looks like I shoved a baby elephant into my pants.

Nothing fits. So I wear leggings and pretend that I’m okay with that.

I make “I’ll start Monday” plans and look through my old workout and food journals – trying to find some secret to the mystery of why I gained back 20lbs and how I lost over 70 in the first place.

I look at the pics and measurements of me and I wonder how I got from there to here. And I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even matter.

I know that for a while – when I decided to take a flying leap off the healthy wagon – it was because I wanted a break. I very consciously gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted and be as immobile as I wanted to be. I took a vacation from the me that was fit and healthy….because it had started to feel like a full time job and I was exhausted from the constant drudgery that is remaining healthy – for me.

Then every time I stepped on the scale I got more pissed. More pissed that the evidence proved that for me – health will ALWAYS be a DAILY job. I have the uncanny ability to consume large portions of food and the lovely ability to gain sometimes pounds a day without even trying.

There won’t ever be a time when it’s easy. Or it becomes second nature. Or working out is like breathing to me. Or the choice to have an apple instead of an Oreo will be easy.

Not for me. Probably because I’m a real food addict.

If someone were to ask me what was wrong and why I keep putting my health on the back burner – I’d have no answer. I can’t think of one thing that is bothering me right now. But yet? I’m still shoving something down or back with food, aren’t I? I’m still able to put myself last on the list in daily life, aren’t I? I’m still not good enough for myself.

I start therapy on Thursday. Wanna know what I fear the most? That he’ll ask me point blank, “what have you sought therapy for?” And I won’t have an answer. I have my prepared answer of “I need to learn relaxation techniques for my migraine pain” but something bigger is pushing me to therapy. I don’t know what it is or why. I just feel it.

Maybe it’s the first step towards putting myself first again. Maybe mental health is the first thing that will lead me back to physical health.

If I’m going to be heart and mind healthy, it sure seems crazy to treat my physical body like crap. Why bother with any of it if I’m not willing to do the work or treat my whole body as a temple? Why waste everyone’s time?

Time is a valuable commodity to me and one I don’t have a lot of…so if I’m putting forth the effort and facing the fear of therapy and using precious time to heal myself inside…well then….it seems about the perfect time to do the same for the outside of me.

I have the ability to undo this 20lbs. I know how. And I’m as worth it today as I was a few years ago. The key this time around is balance and moderation and even self-forgiveness on days when perfection is unrealistic.

There just isn’t room for any more “BUT I’m fat” excuses s in my life. It’s almost become more heavy of a burden to not give a damn about my diet and exercise routine than it is to do the opposite. It takes effort to eat this much and be this immobile…and pretend to be happy about it.

I suppose I just needed to remember it again. How when I’m not happy with my health – everything else kind of seems harder to do and be. I needed to re-remember that my health and diet are a piece of the puzzle that completes the entire me.

And I’m so over feeling half put together.

Something inside is happening. I can feel it and I like it.

I think it’s time to kick some BUTs to the curb.

Care to join me?

Tell me, do you have any BUTs you use constantly? What are they?

33 comments:

Crystal Renee said...

My BUT is the same. Literally, when we go on vacations/outings where I have to get into something, like a ride, looks fun, but I am fat, can't fit. I always end up fitting, but my weight is my but. So, I have taken steps to lose weight. I too want a tummy tuck, but I think I can do some without it, then get it done. I don't want to get it done and feel I wasted my money. I have 4 kids and 2 c-sections.. does that count? But I am fat ;)

Fit Mom said...

I used to have a BUT (im fat), but I am kicking it to the curb. I still deal with everything you are...the food cravings etc and I can feel you.

Great blog today!

Now my BUT is more like BUT I am broke. LOL. Just another BUT in the daily life of BUTS.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this...I feel the same way pretty much all the time (the BUTs). I want to change it to, I CAN!

Good luck on Thursday, I hope it goes well.

April

Justawallflower said...

Oh my, I swear I could have written this myself! I definitely have the same issue with not getting my focus back, the same issue with the buts, and definitely the same issue with anxiety over starting to see someone. I don't have a ready reason for the question "what are you here for" but I know I need to take that step....

Amanda said...

I'm just plain-out tired. Getting up at 5:00 AM to exercise will do that. Why 5 AM? Because fitting homework, housework, and husband (who's also doing housework) into my after-work life in ADDITION to exercise (cooking? What's that? Oh, that thing I do on the weekends...) just doesn't work.

My "BUT" is more a whine that I hate freaking 5 AM. HATE. But it's not going away. I mean, it could... but not realistically. Ick.

Blog Wobble said...

I feel the same way, I understand this post 100%.
I have to say tho, that the line about the baby elephant down your pants had me spit my morning coffee as I literally LOL.
Priceless! :D

Amy @ Findingfitme said...

You have an amazing way with words. I too have sought help. I am excited for a new step. I wish you well.

MandaPanda said...

You've inspired me to kick my "BUT" to the curb! Thank you for this and you are so totally worth being happy with the whole you..mentally, emotionally and physically. :)

bbubblyb said...

Great post! I know I will always struggle at times. The crazy part is when I'm doing what I know to be right and healthy I feel terrific yet for some crazy reason I always end up back struggling. It is like you said about being a food addict and "using" food for everything, happy, sad, mad, anxious, whatever feeling I may be feeling chocolate will fix that right? Anyway, hope you find your mojo again.

Cat said...

Another fantastic blog post. Seriously, the BUT I'm fat came between me and a lot of things. I am still working on that one every day.

I totally understand what you mean about fitness needing to be an every damn day for the rest of my days thing. It feels like a job and then there is the guilt if I don't workout or whatever. I was actually crying a few weeks ago like, Ok...so 90 lbs yay. What about this last 35. Am I done? No, did I want to be...Yes. 20 lbs for you, 35 for me...it sucks but yep, even when we get there, we have to make time for fitness and nutritional food every day. That sucks sometimes. :(

*hearts*

Morel said...

My but is huge! I'm constantly ashamed of my but. "That guy is cute/smart/funny/attractive...BUT I'm too fat to go talk to him." I swear, I've let this fat keep me an emotional 13 when it comes to the opposite sex. I HATE that.

Sandy said...

Me too. I say it all the time. But get it out. I see you are already preparing the questions to answer at your appt. even with the band we still fight the same demons. But at least we can say we'd like to lose 20 pounds and not 50 or 100.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Janis said...

"That he’ll ask me point blank, “what have you sought therapy for?” And I won’t have an answer."

Don't worry about it -- he's probably seen bunches of people who were hazy on their motivations for seeking therapy, or who said one thing while the actual reason was buried a bit. I think finding the answer to that question is probably one of the reasons people go to therapy in the first place. If he's done this for a living, he knows that.

RockBand Barbie said...

I am only 5 ft tall...so I know all about the look of a baby elephant shoved in my pants :)

Ronnie said...

I shouldn't eat this... "but I'm almost to goal." :/

Sam said...

My BUT is the same, and I hate it and also need to kick its butt to the curb. I wish you all the strength you need to get to your therapy session and to help through it.

Kelly said...

I love you. That is all.

Miss S. said...

You'll find your way out & burn the leggings. Believe it.

Linda said...

Sweetness - I feel this way most days anymore. It's easy to make excuses. My is I lost over a hundred pounds...
I still want to get 15 or 20 more off but have no motivation. I am a food addict and I have to remember that I will battle this everyday. It is nice to take a mental break from losing, but for people like us it just can't be too long.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I always wondered what I would do with all of the time I spent thinking about losing weight and working at losing weight when I finally lost the weight...You know what I do with it? Work the same amount just to maintain the weight-loss! There's no end to this journey. It is constant preparation and attention and determination and devotion, and sometimes it seems like TOO MUCH, but I love how I look and how I feel physically and mentally, so I keep doing it. You know you feel better when you attend to yourself, so you have to keep at it.

Katy said...

BUT I'm tired...it's my excuse for everything. I get annoyed with myself I say it so often!

Barbara said...

But I can do THAT tomorrow. Hugs!

Ducky said...

Food isn't my answer to what ails me though I know for so many I adore, it is. I do obsess too much about my weight... Or at least way more than I should. And I tend to take the opposite approach. I will cut way back on my intake. Just eat the bare minimum. I know that if it weren't my diabetes there would be many days I probably wouldn't eat at all. Stress makes me not hungry. Being insulin dependent demands food intake of some kind.

I'm pulling for you <3. You can do this!!

Banded With Favor said...

Fabulous post!!! Have felt exactly the same way on so many occasions!!! Crazy unbelievable how your words and thoughts could have come from my very brain here in CA....

But my BUTT is too big...
But when I am thin I will do that...
But I worked hard today and I am too tierd
But it would be better if I started tomorrow...
But I deserve it, I've been really good...
But you love me...giggle...so you will give me a bite...
But it is just a bite...

Could go on and on...you get it!!;) xo

Brenda said...

But the kids have worn me out today so a little chocolate won't hurt! EEEEK! You are right on!

Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

This is one of the greatest posts I've ever read. I totally relate to the "but I"m fat" comment. I think that has been the story of my life. Forever I've said I could do this or that "but I'm fat" so I can't. And as far as therapy goes...well I'm knee deep in that!! I went through 3 different therapists until I found one that could actually give me some feedback that I hadn't already thought of myself. I'm pretty good at psychoanalzying myself but having someone who really understands the mind of a food addict and can recognize patterns in behavior makes a difference. Well for me I am a food addict for sure. No question! This was a great post!

Lisa said...

Oooooof - THIS HIT HOME!!

I have one for you. I went to join a gym last week. First I sat in the parking lot for like 30 minutes watching the people go in to see if I was the fattest.

Then I walked in AND was too embarressed to take the tour with the gladiator looking guy so I LIED. I said I was there to look for my sister because I was picking her up. I DON'T HAVE A SISTER. WHAT THE FLOCK!!??

I said as I self toured and walked out, I would join BUT I don't want to the be the fattest girl there. I will come back when I lose more weight.

What is wrong with me!?

justjenn said...

I, too, could have written this post. I do good for awhile and then I'm back to eating too many cookies and ice cream. I haven't taken that mental leap yet to realize I'm a bit of a sugar addict. My BUT is always I want to take control of my weight BUT I don't have enough time. When will I make time for me?

Good luck and thank you for being so open.

Miz said...

BUTBUT I dont have time right now.

Joanna said...

I could have written this post myself. I know exactly how you feel - even to the point of getting therapy to help me out.

I'm going to push the book on you that I'm reading right now. Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life. It's helping me already - and I'm only 3 chapters in. It's all about finding those pesky evils that tempt us to give up or not pay attention to our bodies. I'm LOVING it!! It's pointing me in the right direction - cause Lawd knows, I'm so far off course GPS can't even find me.

Robyn's Nest said...

Oh, Honey, we are all so critical of ourselves.
It seems like everyone has said it all. I will just send you a HUG.

Laura Belle said...

Ya know, I was just thinking about some of this today.

Like, I realized I will ALWAYS struggle with making healthy choices, and I will ALWAYS have to force myself to get on the treadmill. Always. It's just who I am. Like you I'm not one of those people that weight loss comes naturally or exercise is like breathing (bitches). I don't think I ever WILL BE. No matter what or how much I do.

And, while it sucks, I need to live with it. Accept it and move on. Move on to choosing a salad over a burrito....which is what I was reallyreallyreally wanting when I read this post. Lets move on together Sunflower!

Oh, and the mental vs. physical thang. HELLZ TO THE YEAH it can have an effect on you!!! A huge effect! When I don't feel 'right' I don't want to do anything and can never find motivation. So talking it out will help with the physical part. Oh, and when they ask you why are you here....SAY YOU DON'T KNOW! That's WHY you're there!!! To figure it out! Yes you need help with stress relief, and migraines and such, but you also have something else going on, you said so yourself, and they are there to help you figure that out. I can't tell you how many times i've talked to someone and said, i dont' know what's wrong, but I know it's something and we need to figure it out and help me get over it. (Remember last time I was depressed for like months and went to a dr and we figured out it was because I still wasn't over my dad. I thought I was over him, but clearly not.)

Anyways this is super duper long, but I'm so proud of you for making these changes to better your life!!

Beth Ann said...

I feel the same way, but I'm fatter than you. Heh. See what I did there? :) It gets old having to work at this all the time, but the alternative is worse. Therapy is NEVER a bad idea. Get it, girl!