Tuesday, March 27, 2012

For being nasty, slutty, sexy, and taboo-ish. I apologize.

I’m pretty sure that I should apologize for this post because the topics are slightly um…nasty, slutty, sexy, and taboo-ish. I can’t help it. Apparently those things are what I am. Sue me.


Okay first off – I’m not even being funny when I ask you this question. WITHOUT googling it – do any of you know what a “hat trick” is or means? For realz. I’m asking. I swear to God if everyone knows and I’m the only who doesn’t – I’m going to cry.

50 bazillion times yesterday in emails and then in person Rambo kept giving me the eye and grabbing me and saying, “Baby – are we gonna go for the hat trick tonight?”

Now – so as not to appear as though I’m the dumber one in this relationship…I played along for a while and then later I couldn’t help it and I asked, “What the holy hell is a hat trick? I don’t get it?! What does that even mean?”

His reply?

Google it.

Mother heifer.

F*cking technology. Everyone’s answer to everything is “google it”. Rambo says it’s a hockey term. (I wouldn’t know – I still haven’t googled it.) He was using it in the terms of “are we going for 3 days in a row – you know, as in the hat trick?”

NO I DON’T KNOW. I still don’t get it. And now he thinks I’m stupid.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Moving on. This morning as I was dutifully performing my Mother of the Year tasks and making my 6 year old child a delicious packed lunch, she noticed a box of tampons on the counter that I hadn’t put away yet. (And no – please do not focus on the fact that I have a box of tampons out on my counter. Get over it. I was busy.)

She says to me, “Mom, what are these for? Are these to use so that you don’t pee your pants while you sleep at night?”

Shit. She’s 6 people. This is not the time for the talk. Do I just agree, lie and move on or what?

I said, “Those are for big girls. You don’t have to care until you are older.” Then I promptly moved on to “fruit roll up or rice krispie treat?”

Saved by sugar.

This would be the same child who last night learned a new word – courtesy of yours truly. Again – mother of the year. God – I can’t believe I’m typing this. So many of you are going to want to call the authorities.

Last night we were all having fun. Being idiots. The usual. Tickling the crap out of one or the other of them. Watching our favorite shows. Laughing our asses off over something one of us said. I’m at my computer because everyone is on their way to bed and it’s time to start winding down - after I’ve thrown the 6 year old over my shoulders with her head hanging towards the floor giggling her tush off - into bed.

Rambo is yelling in his goofiest voice at me, “Do not stimulate the children before bed MOMMY!”

Seriously – we’re disfunctional. And I can’t stop laughing as I sit down at my computer and I randomly sing, “Watermelon is a pecker.”

And immediately realize – shitballs – pecker is not such a good word to call the 11 year old. She disagrees.

She literally falls on the ground she’s laughing so hard. Saying over and over, “Mom called me a pecker.”

I say it just slipped out and I should not have said that.

Meanwhile – we hear in the tiniest little voice coming from Banana’s bedroom – her singing her newest song.

“Watermelon is a pecker. Watermelon is a pecker.”

Rambo looks at me and says, “Nice. OMG – she’s going to say that at school now.” While he laughs his ass off.

Seriously people – I know it’s wrong but I’ve never heard the work pecker sound so cute in all my life. Little bitty voice, little bitty lips mouthing the word…having absolutely no idea what she was saying…giggling. I couldn’t even yell at her. Mostly because it was my fault.

Okay – fine. ALL my fault.

I suck. And I convince Banana that “pecker” is an inappropriate word and she must never repeat it. Which is almost like convincing her that asparagus tastes like Snickers.

Everyone settles down – and I get to bed – and you all know what’s coming right?

The f*cking hat trick talk again.

Not gonna happen. Not until I google it anyway. And not until I ask every blogger I know if any of them have ever heard of a damn hat trick ever before.

By the time we finish our conversation – the 6 year old has now come into our room – with her hands on her hips and shouts, “Parents. I am trying to sleep. Could you quiet down?”

Yup – no problem.  We're sorry - little Queen.

I got him back for making me appear stupid anyway – some time in the wee hours of the morning. You see, I was cold. Frozen. Most of all – my nose was frozen. I wasn’t about to cover my whole head with a blanket because that would be what a normal person would do – so I grabbed Rambo’s hand and covered my nose with it until it got warm.

This morning my very first email from him said:

“I hope that your nose is still warmed up.”

Hmmm. Oops. I guess I woke him up.

This morning on the way to work I thought about “our night”. And call me a sap if you want to BUT it brings tears to my eyes.

Why?

Because it’s like that every day. It’s special every damn day.

Last night was a Monday. We went grocery shopping as a family and I walked the aisles holding Banana’s hand picking out yogurt flavors. I’d look back and I’d see Rambo discussing pizza kinds with Watermelon after he randomly put his arms around her shoulders in the frozen section before she was telling him about her day.

At one point I turned the corner in the toy aisle and saw Watermelon catch a bouncing ball Rambo had decided to throw at her….she was trying not to laugh and get caught by me because they both knew I’d tell them to knock it off.

We got home and ate supper from KFC and chatted about our day.

Then we all piled up literally – on the couch. Like a bunch of 10 year olds at one point we had “who can push who off the couch the fastest” competition. And other moments I’d look over at Banana with her stuffed animal shoved up so close to me I couldn’t move and I’d kiss her on the cheek and she’d just smile without saying a word.

After finishing her homework, the 11 year old randomly decided she felt left out so she piled in between Rambo and I.

Never asking permission. Never being scared to just flop down between her parents.

She just did it – without hesitation.

Later I carry one goofily to bed and tuck her in as Rambo tucks in the other one. And I literally see two little girls go to bed – smiling.

Do not think that ever for a moment those instances pass by me without a twinge of bitter sweetness. Or that I take those moments for granted.

I love and cherish the moments but a part of own little girl’s heart will always feel broken. I was never tucked in. Never smiled as I went to bed. Usually the night’s events before were filled with silence. Fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. No talking or hugging or God forbid laughing. No feeling loved. No goofing off and forgetting everything but love.

It never gets old. The way Rambo is with my girls.

Every single time I see them randomly hug him or talk to him or jump into his arms or act like an idiot with him – I pray and hope a part of the little girl broken in me heals. And I pray a part of Rambo who felt like I did as a child heals too. I hope a part of the adult Rambo who sees nothing but evil in inmates every day remembers the true good in life.

I didn’t know laughter with a father. I didn’t know being embraced by a mother or father. I didn’t know not fearing a father and his reaction. I didn’t know being loved by a father. I didn’t know the availability of a father.

I knew a man. Always in sight – but always out of my reach.

And I once knew a little girl who felt the burden of needing him and of knowing I was never enough to make him change.

And every single day of my adult life – I will know two little girls who will never feel what I did. Ever.

Consider the cycle broken.

Now if only I could erase the pain…every time I see in my own husband - acting as a father – what could have been for me.

29 comments:

Jen said...

Awww..I love your family. So glad you broke the cycle! Pecker (I had to)

Crystal Renee said...

I love your posts!! Love them! Glad you broke the cycle as well!

Ronnie said...

Damn, this post made me cry. Love you!

Reggie said...

It is a wonderful thing. I feel the same way about my husband and daughter. I never experienced this either as a child and it brings me unbelievable joy to know that my daughter will have two parents that shower her with love and affection.

Jessica said...

awww that was nice!!

and yes I knew what a hat trick is.. LOL! You gotta be a hockey fan... or you can call it a turkey in bowling!

Katie J ♥ said...

I love you guys!

I knew what it was from playing darts. A Hat Trick is when you get three bullseyes :-)

mommykinz said...

I'm a Canadian we know our hockey terms, even if we live in the south now!
love the pecker song - I laughed so hard when my youngest said, in a whisper voice b/c he knows its not the most appropriate word, Mom, Dad hit me in the ass (while they were playing baseball). So stinkin cute. Is that wrong?
Love your family.

Lisa said...

I too am glad the cycle is broken. My father was horrible to me so I understand the pain. It's beautiful to see you create beauty in your world that you create and are in charge of. Healing is wonderful!

DiZneDiVa said...

This is an amazing post... They are very lucky to have you two for parents. Many people were not that lucky.

LoriBang said...

OMG, I love your posts! your family is amazing! I too, didn't grow up with the best family and am determined that my kids will have the best! I love to watch my hubby with the kids and play with them. I love playing with them! I love hearing that I'm not the only one that slips with the bad words! I remember one time my oldest came in crying and said, "Mommy, daddy screamed at me" I said, "he didn't scream at you but he did raise his voice" My son sobbing said, "he said he was going to make my ass green!" Me giggling said, "the color is red and its suppose to be your butt, you shouldn't say ass!" Oh, there was a PMM (proud mother moment)!

MandaPanda said...

Aaaww...your family makes me smile.

And a hat trick is scoring 3 goals in one game. Just an FYI

Robyn's Nest said...

My mom broke the cyscle of abuse for my brother and I. I thanked her for that once. You are doing a good thing. You rose above. That makes you mother of the year for realz in my book.
Hat Trick in hockey means three goals from the same person during the course of the game.

Miss S. said...

Good job momma. Your children will never doubt in your love & support.

Morgan said...

This was proof that I should not read blogs at work!! I started crying on this one, my mom and dad both broke the cycle with my brother, myself and the 9 foster kids my parents raised. Thank you for reminding me to not take my parents for granted. My mom is gone now but I will call my dad immediately and tell him how blessed I am to have him as my dad.

Wendy's creative connection said...

Apparently I am missing the nasty!!! I couldn't understand what your husband ment....A hat trick is scoring three goals in one hockey game????? HUN? Are you playing hockey? What? As for the "pecker", sometimes my kids can be real "dickheads", we just all say Richard Head and giggle.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

LOVE...

And I didn't know what a hat-trick was and I couldn't tell you if we EVER, in our 21 years together, accomplished it. And I know I'm lucky, too. My kids adore my husband (sorta tolerate me) and even at 15 my son will squeeze his ass in between us (along with the 90lb great dane/boxer)! Reminded me of my BBS post!

Sandy said...

I start to read this, then go warm up my lunch because it looked like a long post. Get part way down, then one of my managers comes in to chat. I'm wondering where this story was going and couldn't wait for her to leave after a few minutes. As I FINALLY glance back at your post I begin reading: “I hope that your nose is still warmed up.” Now all sorts of things are coming to mind especially after the Hat trick dilemna and my mind is turning dirty wondering how you warmed up your nose. Then I realized I should read the previous paragraph and voila--found out how you actually warmed the nose. My lunch stayed down.

And a lot of the reason you are so good with your kids and enjoy every minute is because you don't want them to ever feel like you did. I wonder if you had had the same upbringing if you would be so exhuberant in raising them. You might just fall into the rut like some of us and slack off. It is so nice to see you not slacking in any way. Sometimes the bad brings out the greatness in us. It's there in you.

tz said...

so could have a scene out of our home except with two boys and therefore more graphic and with fart noises...I'm always thinking I'm going to win the worst mother of the year tiara, or my kids will end up as burdens on society or wall street bankers...but I'm telling you those moments when their friends aren't around and they snuggle up to me and call me 'mommy' make me believe I'm doing okay by them :D and like you said, they will not have to grow up with the knowledge that they have a mother who is willing to give them up...that they will in fact know that you would have to pry them out of my dying arms....I like your words that the cycle is broken, I hope that is so the case in my home too. Beautiful funny loving post.

Kelly said...

The only reason why I know what a hat trick is is because I follow sports like a schmuck. This post was so sweet & touching. Here's to breaking cycles!

Sam said...

We don't have hockey in Australia, but I have hear of that term, we use it in a lot of sports here, and it is always the same meaning, the same thing done three times in a row, so have FUN tonight :o)

Chris said...

I can remember having an evening like you did, and saying to myself "remember this" - it's one of my most cherished memories of a regular night at home, kids being silly, all of us on the floor. Priceless.

Good on you and Rambo for breaking the cycle. Your girls are lucky to have you both.

Sheila said...

Going to go google hat trick after I grab a tissue!!!

Joanna said...

What a great post!!

I don't know about a hat trick being a hockey term - but I did know it as a soccer term. A hat trick is when the same person scores 3 goals in a game.

Miesha Roshawn said...

That was very beautiful! I can't imagine growing up not knowing that love. Your girls are blessed to have you both!

Miz said...

wordless.
except for the love.

jennxaz said...

great post! Oh for a nickel for all the times my big mouth taught my 4 year old something he shouldn't be saying!

Cat said...

Ok, hat trick ... got it now. Yes, hat trick is a hockey term that means 3 goals by the same player in the same game. There is also the natural hat trick which means three goals scored in a row by the same person (noone else scores before the player gets 1,2 and 3). Then there is the Gordy Howe hat trick which is a player has a fight, assists with someone elses goal and has his own goal all in the same game. Yeah, I love hockey! : ) Yay for dessert three nights in a row. :)

Ok, as for the "regular" night at home with joking around with your kids and your spouse, this truly brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely love how you speak of your family and the love you all have for one another. I grew up in a fatherless home to a mother who was an alcoholic for the first 13 years of my life. My sister was abused and there was lots of trauma. I love that you have ended this cycle of abuse and emotional neglect. You are a great mom. *hugs*

Joey said...

Awww...I want to be in your family :)

Rachel said...

You gotta stop with these posts... seriously, I will end up with fifteen children named after fruit.