Monday, March 12, 2012

I hate other people's kids.

Okay – wait. Before you freak out and call me the devil….let me explain.


I need to rephrase my title. I hate taking care of other people’s children. I love other people’s children when all I have to do is look at them and tell everyone how cute they are.

Beyond that – I’m donezo. NO emotions. There are 4 kids on this Earth I love. Mine and Jenny’s. I just don’t have the emotional capacity to let anyone else in. Plus – kids are hard work.

I suck at being a mom to my own flesh and blood. Why anyone else on Earth would trust me with their offspring still baffles me. I mean let’s face it - my idea of giving my kids good supper options is: “Do you want Cool Ranch Doritoes or Regular Doritoes?” I don’t care if they wear pajamas outside of the house and in public and my favorite activity with them is watching the Disney Channel.

I’m the freaking mother of the year – for real.

Once in a while, I gather some compassion and feeling – and agree to help the neighbor lady out with her kids. I did just this on Saturday night.

For about 2 hours, I swear my eyeballs were stuck in the permanent “eye roll” position. I’ve never rolled my eyes so much at people less than 7 years old in all my life.

Good God – but those two little girls are annoying. They want food. And water.

It’s ridiculous, I tell you.

The worst part? The unbearable part? About 12am shit hits the fan. Well, more accurately – pee almost hits the floor.

Seriously – this kid is lucky to still be alive. To make matters worse as this is all going on, Rambo was at a turkey banquet spending ridiculous amounts of money on things like guns and grills and wrenches because he’s a sucker….while I’m dealing with heathens that are not my own flesh and blood.

Anyway – it’s 12am - I hear whimpering. I spring up in bed and think – “hmm…I must be dreaming. My children do not make noises in the night because I've trained them not to.”

More whimpering. Louder.

“Oh shit – that’s right. I have extra children tonight. F*ck a duck. Maybe if I just sit here – she’ll go back to sleep.”

Now she’s all out crying.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I’m going to have to hurt someone.”


I get in my daughter’s room where the two neighbor kids are sleeping. Everyone is sleeping except the 7 year old. She is crying. She is beginning to scream “MOMMY”.

Shitballs.

She gets up and walks around and it’s pretty obvious she has no idea where she is. I tell her it’s alright and she should go back to sleep and she walks into the bathroom.

I say, “Do you have to go potty?”

She says yes.

AND PROCEEDS TO START TAKING HER UNDERWEAR OFF.

AND SQUATS like she’s going to pee.

While she’s crying. NOT by the toilet.

Someone else’s kid is going to pee in my house – on my floor – while she’s crying at midnight!

OH hell to the no.

I pick her up by the armpits and I kid you not – she is dead weight. Mostly because she’s pretty much still sleeping. I can barely get her on the toilet but I do. I get her on the edge.

She freaks out like I just placed her on the edge of a cliff and am about to push her off.

Dear God. Help me.

I hand her toilet paper. All the while I’m thinking, “if this kid doesn’t wake up enough to wipe herself – I’m going to let her sleep on this toilet until morning.”

She wipes. Thank God.

And proceeds to waddle out of the bathroom with her underwear around her ankles. Cripes. I help her with that issue and put her back in bed. Where she continues to scream for her mother.

At this point my 11 year old wakes up and says, “MY GOD MOM – what is going on? Make her stop or send her home!”

Apparently she hates other people’s kids too. (We value sleep in this house in case you haven’t gathered that.)

I grab my cell phone so I can call her mother. I see Rambo sent me a text saying, “I just won a gun!!!”

I text back and say – “Hurry up and bring it home. I need to use it.”

I call the girl’s mom and say, “Um yah – you’re gonna need to come get your kid. She wants you and is scared.”

The mom comes an hour later.

And of course – we go in to the bedroom to get her kid and it takes us 10 FULL MINUTES to get her to wake the f*ck up.

I cannot deal. What the hell happened to being deathly scared?  You're so scared you fell back asleep????  I almost pinched her “accidentally” just to wake her up.

Rambo came home in between all this. I stuck the second comatose neighbor kid into his arms and told him to walk her home. I told him to take his new gun with him or someone could get shot.

I’ve never been drunk before in my life but right at this moment – I wanted vodka. Mixed with ambien.

I sat down and thanked God right then and there that my tubes are tied. Those kids are lucky they escaped my clutches alive.

Apparently I didn’t do or say anything too scary. By 8-f*cking-am – they were back. Banging on the door yelling, “Can we come play?”

No assholes. Thanks to you I just got into bed.

Come back in a few hours. We’ll try out Rambo’s new gun. It’ll be way fun.

This is why moms in the wild eat their young. And why I’m going to be Mother of the Year.

Compassion just oozes out of me.

So if we ever meet in real life - never ask me to watch your kids.  I cannot guarantee you'll ever see them again. 

27 comments:

Kelly said...

I don't like any kids except for my own, which I don't have, or my niece & nephew - or if they're important to me in some other way. I promise when and if I ever do spawn,I will NEVER ask you to watch them. Mkay? :-)

Kyla said...

hhahahahaahahahahahhahha.

That is all I have to say.

JOURNEE KAPRI said...

LOL, hahahaha this story is too funny. I am not looking forward to the day where I have to look after someone else's kid. I know for sure I will send those kids home quick!

jennxaz said...

I so relate......I hate sleep overs..they should be banned!

Brenda said...

That sounds like something that would happen at our house. I do not watch other peoples kids........EVER. I can barely take care of mine! haha You made me laugh out loud this morning!

Life Love & High Heels said...

I hear ya and heck, I don't even have kids. I'm not a big fan of kids at least between the ages of 5-13. I just don't.

Good Lord I couldn't imagine cleaning up pee at midnight. Yuck.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

LMFAO! I WATCH other people's kids for a living!! I just love when the boy has a green-slime encrusted nose, which seems to be ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME!!! All I think is "taking care of them puts food on my table." And then I hear from their mother when I say for the first time "I can't work such and such days" she giggles and says "Work?" Yeah, you know, work, the thing you do to get away from your f'ing kids?!!!!? The best is when my niece is here (my sister is a single mom, you know, the one with the gay ex (BTW, the psychic didn't see THAT!)), my 2 kids, the 2 I watch during the day and the 2 I take off the bus are all here. I just want to shoot MYSELF for saying yes to any of this!

Linda Sherwood said...

I think "OH hell to the no," needs to be my new line. I love it.

I, of course, plan to say it a LOT to my children.

I so totally agree with you about valuing sleep and other peoples' kids.

And congrats to Rambo for winning a gun. :)

Sarah said...

I like kids but if one of them tried to pee on my floor, I'd be calling for the gun too.

mommykinz said...

I love some other people's kids. My DD's bff is a twin. Her brother gets along with my DS. Often I will say bring them both over and then I'm off to my room for a movie, a bath a good book.... and I leave them with a few parting words of wisdom.. don't open the door, don't use the stove or the knives, eat something healthy with the junk food and don't call me til morning!! And they love it!!

Banded With Favor said...

HILARIOUS!!!

Ducky said...

Aren't you suppose to get drunk and pass out when kids spend the night?

no?

Oops

Heh...I kid. I have a 3 yr old. We don't do sleep overs (yet) but I'm totally with you on hating kids. I work with them you see. By the time I walk in the door at the elementary school I'm ready to walk right back out. I didn't choose to work there...it was assigned to me. I DETEST IT. ABHOR IT. So really....I get it.

~TMcGee~ said...

It is fantastic to know there are other people on the planet who feel exactly this way! :D Great post, I was gigglesnorting through the whole thing. lol

Ronnie said...

I'm with you - I hate other people's kids. Remember when I tried that babysitting job? Umm, yeah. I had to quit him because I was so mean to him. lol

Sam said...

Hehehe; glad you had such a FUN time with the kids :o)

Joanna said...

Holy hell balls - I'm so like this. And to make matters worse - I'm babysitting my mother's foster kids for AN ENTIRE MONTH during the summer!! I don't even know what kids she'll have, or where they would have come from. I do know that two of them will be my niece and nephew. My niece I could handle any day. My nephew? Oh, god, he may end up sleeping on the porch.

I can only imagine what my blog posts sound like once that insanity starts. What the hell was I thinking?

Anonymous said...

FYI - I'm at 18!! You are fabulous. Thanks for the shout out. Tell Jenny I'm coming.

mommykinz said...

Damn wrong button - I was annonymous

Robyn's Nest said...

Mother Nature must have know what she was doing 'cause I only liked my own kids at that age too.
Every other kid was just a pain in the butt.
You never fail to make me laugh.

Miss S. said...

Not going to lie-I am the same way. I am home alone with my boys most days of the week-I have no patience to deal with anyone else's children. Ever.

Desert Singer said...

bwaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.... birth control story. at its finest. thank you ☺

CathyB said...

I could tell by the title this would be great!!!! I always said I liked my own kid, and tolerate the kids of my friends, but that's about as wide as my circle goes. Add in step-children/grandchildren into the mix and it gets even scarier. I enjoy babysitting (umm... spending quality time with) my own personal flesh and blood grandchildren, but beyond that, I'm totally with you on this!! (And it's my turn to keep the nursery in church on Sunday! Oh No!!!)

Steph said...

You're not along, hon. I love my daughter, but I have no patience for 99% of the other kids on this planet that I'm not related to. When I found out the Brownie troop leaders were not going to be leaders next year and were looking for someone to take their place, I was like "you can back that train right up into the station. i will be cookie mom again, but hell no to being a troop leader." I flat out told them I don't like other people's kids for the most part. You can't discipline them and they act like brats. I am right there with you, sister!

Leigh C. said...

My son's perfect but I've always been nervous around children. Don't ask me how I'm employed as a Child and Youth Worker....Thanks for the laugh:)

Toddy said...

Saw this title on another blog I follow and had to check it out. Thank God, I always thought I was the only one that hated other peoples' spawn. Love my own to death, but they know the rules... on the rare occasion I treat myself to a nap, they're not allowed to disturb me unless there's blood or fire... and the blood has to be spurting, not dribbling! Thanks for the laugh!

radiomomrhetoric said...

LMAO...ok--that was sheer brilliance.

.....and I totally agree.

radiomomrhetoric said...

LMAO...ok--that was sheer brilliance.

.....and I totally agree.