Thursday, March 15, 2012

I have become the actual definition of "hick".

I should definitely change my “About Me” section. There’s something I found out about myself yesterday that I didn’t even know I felt.

If you’ve known me for a while – then you know that there are many undisputed truths about me.

Such as:

I prefer to live in my head in Care Bear Land rather than live on Earth – in reality land.
I believe if everything was pink, had glitter on it or was bedazzled – the world would be a better place.
Everyone should own at least 5 Sharpie pens or markers. Just because.
I like to take baths in rainbow Skittles. And fart gumdrops.
I think Mountain Dew should come in IV form.
I believe every day can be made better with a new pair of shoes or a new purse.
Organizing and color coding something is the same as a meth high to me.
I believe that everyone should get to ride a unicorn over a rainbow while sucking on a lollipop at least once in their life…even if it’s just in a dream.
I ride Harleys, have lots of tattoos and go to heavy metal concerts and a majority of people in my life have no knowledge of that part of me because on the outside I don’t fit the stereotypical mold of such a person.
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Those are just some of the things you’ve come to know about me. Now I’m going to add something else. Are you ready?

Here it is.

I hate muskrats almost as much as I hate Casey Anthony.

Life-altering, isn’t it? I didn’t even know I felt such a thing until yesterday.

Remember when our new car wouldn’t start after only having it a week? Remember how we also found a cute muskrat in our garage that same day?

Remember how I called the guy who sold us the car and proceeded to leave a 5 minute message on his machine using my “bad guy” voice – swearing to him that I would be holding him responsible for any repair bill that occurred?

Yes, well….Mr. Nice Towing Man came (from a different dealership) and got my new car. Called back an hour later and said, “that muskrat chewed through a transmission wire”.

Motherf#@#$%#$$sonofa#@#$#E%heifer$%#$furball!!!

He then had the nerve to laugh and say, “the wire was green – maybe he thought it was grass.”

I threw the f*cking phone across the room.

Are you serious? Did I mention that while we were trying to figure out what was wrong with the car before the tow guy came I actually said the words, “maybe the muskrat did something to our car” AND RAMBO LAUGHED AT ME LIKE I HAD LOST MY EVER LOVING MIND.

Heifers. Every last one of them.

Rambo. The tow guy. THE MUSKRAT.

And yes – just in case you’re worried – let it be known – the little asshole rathead escaped our garage finally….which is good for him or he may have suffered a slow and painful death.

I have no idea how much the bill will be. I cannot wait until the car dealership seller guy calls me back and I have to swallow bile and say, “Oopsie – my bad. Nothing is wrong with the car you sold us. A MUSKRAT is responsible. Forget I called and left you a scathing message. Have a nice day.”

So there you have it. Another “interesting fact” about me that I can add to my ever-growing list.

I hate muskrats.
It sort of goes along well with my hating dirty little inner demon lizards.

I bet the muskrat was Draz’s friend and it’s all part of Draz’s evil plan to turn me against all that is good in this world.

Did I mention Draz is a heifer too?

I ask you – who does this shit happen to? I mean is a muskrat in a garage eating a car wire on a new car the definition of being a hick or what?

I cannot deal.

I simply cannot.

15 comments:

A.J. said...

Oh girl!! I was born and raised in hills of East Tn and I don't think that make you a hick. I have the same hatred and loathing for possums.

mommykinz said...

Did I mention Draz is a heifer too?
This is why I respectfully ask you to give yourself a name. I hate referring to you as the evil Draz. I get the privacy thing but give your true hick self a name.
Sorry about the muskrat - stinky bugger.

Jessica said...

Never heard of that one before... yikes

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I can think of SO many more ways you could be hick-ier, but I'm not one to go and offend an entire demographic! I must be PC on here!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I'm another east Tennessee Mountain girl. I'm about as hick as it gets. Never had a muskrat tear up my car before though. That is a new one on me. :)

Fit Mom said...

I really dont mean to laugh because I feel sorry for your predicament, but I love how you write and it is why I come back every day!

Hopefully the bill isnt much and the muskrat doesnt come back to see if you got any more grass.

Barbara said...

So does that mean you will not be humming that song "Muskrat Love"?? It will get better. It has to,,

Kyla said...

You are great. Hick and all. p.s what are the ozarks?

Robyn's Nest said...

I know this is totally off subject but...... you are an incredible writer.
You should SERIOUSLY write a book.
Title it Muskrat Love.

Amanda Kiska said...

A rat chewed a hole in my satellite TV cable. They had to come out and replace it. Thank God it was outside of my house.

What's a muskrat? Is it the same as a nutria?

trisha said...

my folks live in the country/but a little town in the country and my dad had mice eat threw the wiring on his brand new van! and he had to pay for it bc of course it wasn't covered under the warranty either!! assholes!! the mice, that is!

Cat said...

How much do I LOVE that you called it that the asshole rathead was the one who did something to your car. You are like car repair goddess.

Also, cracking up about Robyn's suggestion for the book title.

LoriBang said...

OMG, your posts are so frickin funny! My husband always wants to know what the heck I'm laughing at! I just say a woman that is funnier than "Larry the Cable Guy" and now he's a hick! You should write a book! thanks for the comic relief!

Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

oh my gosh. i laughed so much but I'm sorry b/c i know this is not funny in reality when the car bill comes in! But my goodness. a muskrat? that is something else

Maren said...

Hahaha! I have no idea what muskrats are, b ut this cracked me up!