Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Life sucks giant green striped donkey balls sometimes.

There’s just no other way to say it really.

I just whined and whined like a 5 year old girl about my bad week to my plant manager and he said, “Oh come on – it’s not that bad. It’s 80 degrees out and you’re still breathing.”

I kicked him in the balls. And laughed.

Jesus, Mary and Satan’s dick people – I just want to push the pause button on life for about 6 days. Or hell – give me just an hour.

No, no – nothing is tragically wrong. The usual – too many jobs and not enough time. I’m pretty sure I’ll feel better if I also whine about it here in my blog so yippee for you – Ima gonna spew some shit. You’ve been warned.

We bought a new to us car last week – because our other one was getting a bit old and was nickel and diming us with little repairs. The new one is a sporty little thing with only 32,000 miles on it. Had it a week yesterday. Yesterday is also the day it broke.

F*ck a duck and call it Larry. Why does this shit always happen to us? I just found out I’ve owned a car for less than a week and the repair could be $400. Good thing we’re not wasting money on repairs anymore huh?

So today I have to work on getting it towed and fixed and put on my best “you don’t know who you are dealing with” voice as I call up the dealer we bought it from.

Last night right after work I helped Rambo take his Harley to the dealership to the service department. What’s wrong with the bike, you ask? Oh nothing, nothing my dear friends. He’s adding $1300 of freaking chrome and shit. Do you know how many pairs of shoes I could have bought with that? I mean really. I cannot deal.

Oh and did I mention that I do a report annually for the government for the village I work for? Did I mention I hate doing it but it only takes a day and it’s good money so I do it and bitch about it the whole time? Did I mention I LOST MY MIND and I thought it wasn’t due until April 30th.

Oh wait. Nope – WRONG. It’s due April 1st. You just lost yourself 30 days of work time honey. Good times, people. Good times.

Rambo feels like a wet turd because he finally caught what the rest of the family has had and he got up at 3am to haul pigs for the next two days. That’s exhausting work and I feel bad for him. As soon as he gets home he’s off to an emergency board meeting. Boo. I miss him. He’s not even around long enough for me to whine at him.

This morning my 6 year old revealed to me that she got the “share bag” yesterday. The share bag is a bag that rotates through the kids in her class. They take it home, fill it up and bring it back and share what they put in it.

Before it was even 6:30am – my “just getting over a cold and ear infection so I’m crabbier than a woman who hasn’t bought a pair of shoes in a week” 6 year old had HUGE big fat tears running down her cheeks because she didn’t know what to put in the f*cking share bag.

It took everything in me not to fill it with dirt. Or dust bunnies.

Because these days – those are the only things readily available in my house.

Apparently that has to change tonight. In the middle of doing payroll tonight after I get home from regular work and while doing supper – I just remembered I have to spit shine the entire house because being the genius that I am – I have decided to have a contractor over tomorrow to give me a quote for a new bathroom.

Which – yes – undeniably means yours truly has to clean the toilet and bathroom since a stranger will be in there looking around. No one in the outside world must ever know how neglected my toilet is and that Shrek indeed lives in mine. Ugh.

I’m getting a quote for a new spa. Like a huge ass soaker 15 person tub and double sinks and lots of room and bliss attached to our master bedroom while making over the current bathroom so it can be just for my girls.

The one thing that gets me through every day is a bath with Rambo and my goal in life is to have a tub that 20 of us could fit in – instead of spilling out over the one we have now. Wouldn’t that be grand?

Every overworked week Rambo and I put in the books will be worth it – if I can soak it off at night, don’t you think?

Lastly – to prove that I’m mother of the year – anyone wanna guess what my kids had for supper last night? And at what time?

7:30pm. French fries.

To be fair – I’d like to announce that I not only made waffle fries for them but I also did some curly ones. Yup, there’s a waiting list of kids who want to come live with us now. What can I say? It’s paradise 24/7 around here in Care Bear Land.

Oh, oh and lastly – get this! Last night while dicking around with the car and swearing at it until I turned blue in the face – I found a friend. A muskrat. In our garage.

Now normally muskrats live in streams. And apparently they are also dumber than a box of rocks because this idiot wouldn’t leave our garage to save it’s life and all it’s been eating is insulation.

Dumbass. He could have had waffle fries. I’m not above sharing.

And yes – Mr. Muskrat is still in the garage today. (I should feed Drazil to him.) Christ.

When the mechanic comes to tow the piece of shit new car away, the muskrat will probably attack him and chew his leg off and then the mechanic will sue us.

I can’t wait.

Ah yes – that is better. I can totally get through the rest of this shitastic day now. I rescheduled my first therapy appt to this Friday and now look at all this material I have to share with the poor guy! My little therapist is going to need a therapist when I’m done with him.

Onward, my Skittles!


Jessica said...

Ummm so if the annual report that you report to the government has to be reported in REAC... its actually due march 29th... not trying to make you more stressed out but thought you should know.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

You have plenty of things to look forward to among the rotten minutia of life! I wish I had a fancy big tub so my husband and I could fit in it. The only time that happened is in the Poconos with a heart-shaped tub. And it was a jacuzzi. And I put bubble bath in it. OOPS!!!! Nothing gets a man hotter than seeing his then big fat wife from every possible BAD angle since the bathroom was plastered in mirrors. Now instead of fat it's sagging skin. FML.

Barbara said...

Ok.. deep breath... you need some CALGON in that bath tub!!
Sorry about the car issues.. but I think I got Rambo's back on the pumping up the bike with CHROME!!..
Life does suck sometimes.. but you got your man and he loves you.. what more do you need.. hugs!!

MandaPanda said...

Ugh. What a rotten day. I hope it gets better

mommykinz said...

In your soaker tub you will be able to eat chocolate - by the bucketful, no why not just soak in the milky sweet stuff! Hang in there my friend, this too will pass. and I'm sure your kids loved the french fries dinner - once it awhile it won't kill them.

Julie said...

Oh girl, you don't know just how good you made my day. I have been stretched so thin and to read this, well thank you. I am truly sorry for you too, really I am. You know what I fixed the manbeast and child last night? Oatmeal! Yep, from a box that all I had to do was add water. They were happy, the dish washer was happy (it was full as it usually is) and I hate oatmeal so I ate crackers. Yummy and so good for the diet, NOT!! :o)
Take care my dear and I hope that this week gets better for you. And that muskrat...we had one last year under the suburban. That damn thing wouldn't leave so I got the broom to try and move it along and it attacked the broom, so me big brave woman came in the house and got the 12 gauge and shot it, well I was going too until I shot the $300.00 new suburban tire we just put on that truck. UGH!!! I had to get the 22 becaues by then the muskrat was really pissed and was going to chew off my leg, the flat tire and the dogs and I didn't want to be buy another tired. I guess life can suck giant green stiped doneky balls!

Robyn's Nest said...

When it rains, it pours. Sorry, Sweetie. I hope it all gets better soon.

InWeighOverMyHead said...

Vent away girl! :)

Fab Kate said...

No one knows better than me. Sometimes you just GOTTA vent!

Amanda said...

Oh I've had days... actually, this whole week kind of lines right up there.

Hang in. This too shall pass (note I didn't say if you'd have any hair left at the end of it all).

Cat said...

I think you have convinced me not to purchase a used car next time. So sorry babe, it has to get better right?

Dawnya said...

When the new tub is installed...let me know. I'm moving to Podunk so that I can soak in it...without you and Rambo. LOL