Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Mommy, what's a virgin?

I feel like my week has been overtaken by feminine hygiene, vaginas, peckers and topics that I’d like to NEVER have to speak to my daughters about.

Sure – some of it is clearly my fault. I mean the 6 year old never would have asked what tampons were for if I hadn’t left the whole box on the counter, right?

Last night Rambo was peeing with the door shut (like a good parent) and the 6 year old thought it was me in there so she barged in (you know – because moms don’t need or deserve to pee in private) – screamed bloody murder like she had seen a zombie – and ran back out to her sister to loudly proclaim,
“Watermelon – I just saw Daddy’s bad spot.”

I wanted to yell AMEN! You got that right. Let’s carry that theme through until you’re at least 40. Anything in that general area on a boy is a bad spot and you must never go near it or be enticed by it.

Ah and then there were the hat tricks the day before. I can’t believe how many of you knew what that was! And obviously – now I get Rambo’s ridiculous play on words. I am now willing to admit that a hat trick is not something John Wayne did back in the days of the Old West. Fine. I was wrong.

Vagina woes continued on well into the evening.

Watermelon will be 12 soon and I got the dreaded, “Mom – come sit down – I need to talk to you” request from her. She said, “Um. Mary at school. Well um. She has a ziploc bag. She keeps it at school. For um. You know. When that thing might come. In case it comes at school. I think she has pads in it. Can I have one of those bags in case it happens to me at school? Um. Please?”

No – because when I look at you – you will always be a tiny infant who needed nothing more than a clean diaper and undying love from me. You cannot be old enough to be thinking of periods and pads. I refuse to believe that is happening despite my best efforts to stop you from growing up.

Check with me again next month after I’ve moved out of denial. It’s 1 mile south of Care Bear Land where I live on the weekends.

You’d think that’d be enough for the night but nope. Her and I were watching Say Yes To The Dress and there was a bride on the show who just had to talk about wearing white because she was pure and had high morals and was a virgin.

I wanted to shank her through the TV. I watch the show for the fashion. That is all.

But bonus – happy day for me – courtesy of this “fashion” show - I got an invitation to talk to my 12 year old about morals and virgins and white dresses.

Because no sooner had the bride said virgin and Watermelon said, “Mom – what’s a virgin?”

F*ck a duck! Really? Do we have to do this now? While I’m vegging out and losing my sanity in front of mindless reality TV? You want me to be a parent during this?

What’s next? You’ll ask me to cook supper, won’t you?  The demands placed on me are neverending.

Le sigh. You cannot say or even go near the word sex with this kid or she turns 85 shades of red and giggles for an hour. Her and all her friends are at the age where they are all thinking about it but are still too embarrassed to say that they are or even say the word or ask about it.

Not kidding – someone kisses on TV and she covers her eyes like they’ve been stabbed and yells, “EEEEEEWWWWWWW, is it over yet?”

But sure. Here we go. Let’s discuss the definition of a virgin. I should have told her to google it.

I tell her a virgin is a person who has not had sex. And of course proceed into why women wear white on their wedding day and purity and all that. She wants to know if “off white” or “crème” counts?

What??? THAT is your only question after that whole speech? After your mother is covered in hives?

God love her for caring more about fashion than caring about asking what color of a dress her mother wore all those years ago.

I will have you know that all this talk that I’d rather avoid is good for something. Just to get away from any more questions or words like virgins, periods and bad spots – I got on the treadmill. Hid there for an hour.

It was my first day on Weight Watchers yesterday and apparently I was being tested or something.

No problem. I aced it. Stayed within my points. Worked out for an hour. Avoided a sex talk with my 12 year old and put the fear of God into my 6 year old regarding “bad spots” on boys.

All in all it was a pretty productive day.

Today is shaping up to be damn good itself. Food planned and feeling good.

Maybe I’ll even conquer that whole “hat trick” thing tonight using Rambo’s “bad spot”. Do not think badly of me though. I am no heathen. I’m a good Catholic girl.

I wore white to my wedding. Duh.


Ronnie said...

Rut-roh. I just figured out what a virgin was, too!

Cat said...

Did I miss something with the hat trick? I better go look back through your recent posts.

I adore your family stories. They truly make my day. : )

Dawnya said... the time I got married, it was sure enough time to wear Scarlet Red!!!

Crystal Renee said...

Ah! I remember the "talk" I had with Summer not to long ago. The pads, period, blood, virgins, and "bad spots". Freaked em out. And agreed.. after all that, she asked about a color? My older cousin told me when I was 12/13.. that I better test drive the car before I buy it, so I would never be able to get away with wearing white.. haha!

Joey said...

Oh dear. I wore white as well :)
You are a delight and I love you!

Jessica said...

hahaha girl you crack me up...

If pure means white... then I guess i better pick another color for my wedding dress.

MandaPanda said...

This makes me feel so happy that my girls are not asking these questions yet. :)

vickyd said...

I'm so happy I have boys...when they started asking questions I got to send them to the hubby for the "man to man" talk.

RockBand Barbie said...

When my son that was age he asked me what "69" was...I was floored and said go ask your daddy. The Rockstar is NOT good at having those kinda talks with his boys....his reply was "it's the number that comes before 70" and left it that....I knew then it would totally be up to me to have all those talks with the boys.

Darlin1 said...

Having boy's......I love hearing what goes on with the other side.


tz said...

a certain 'talk' had to come up at our house because we just found out my son is allergic to latex and his uncle, loudly proclaimed that that was going to be unfortunate when he was a teenager and he wanted to immediately know what that meant....

We were all beat red, I quickly changed the subject (because I'm a good mom) and his 14 year old, girl cousin explained it to him...

and then dad who finally found his voice talked to him in find out that 14 year old cousin was very accurate...which is another issue all together.

jennxaz said...

um, yes...I had to google hat trick..god I am old

Joanna said...

The little Ziploc baggy is a very good idea - and I wished I had thought of it... because it happened to Peanut last school...and the poor girl had to use toilet paper and wrap her sweater around her waist to cover up the spots - because she was too embarrassed to tell her teacher or the school nurse.

I was mortified when I found out. Now, she has a pad with her at all times - because I couldn't bare to think of her go through something like that when she doesn't have the option of putting a sweatshirt around her waist. She's only 11 and doesn't turn 12 for another 2 weeks.

Ugh, I hate thinking about how fast they are growing up. :(

Fab Kate said...

Oh, I know how much we want them to stay little girls, but the just don't. It's so much better when WE tell them, rather than have them listening to their friends (who probably don't know any better than they do)

Jacquie said...

Reading some of your experiences with your daughters brings back memories of mine. My than -8 y/o asked me what "oral sex" was. Thank you bill and Monica! I told her its when two adults talk about sex of course! No wonder she is in therapy today!

Good for you staying within your points.

Kelly said...

Hmm. I'm kinda glad I don't have this problem - having to have "the talk." I look at my 3 year old niece, and I kinda wish she would just stop growing and stay little & sweet forever. And who cares about tradition - I am sooooo wearing white to my wedding! :-)

MizFit said...

it has been that kind of week with my 6 year old too.
isnt there a place we can ship them to get all this stuff answered and THEN they come back to us? :)


Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

No matter how many times you may talk about it or how many times she watches "the film" you will never be prepared for the day when your daughter gets her period. I cried for her and told her I was sorry. I was 10 and 3 months, she was 11 and 2 months. After almost 3years, we're now pretty much on the same cycle.

Rachel said...

I love this... you are so fricken hilarious. ps. I should probably dye my wedding dress black.