Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Together....we got this.

Soooo – clearly yesterday’s post was downright sob-inducing. Even slightly pathetic if you ask me. I never meant to worry or scare anyone. It’s the curse of my writing. Ever since I was little – if I hurt – I write. Fast and long until the words stop. When I’m done I usually re-read what I’ve written and even shock myself at the depth of my pain sometimes. But writing the words eases the pain and I can’t stop writing them.

About being alone…let’s face it - it is not a nice place to be…but I am okay. I am oddly at peace with the alone-ness. I’m “sitting” with the feeling, if you will. I’m actually allowing myself to feel it instead of shoving it down or aside or away. I feel like this emptiness is going to lead me somewhere…if only because I want to stop feeling this way.

Being alone at my core and voicing that feeling – even if pathetic – allows and invites people in my life to open up and reach out and say, “You’re wrong. You aren’t alone.” The pain can make me forget who and what I have….which is a shame…but true nonetheless.

I don’t want to live in alone – I want to seek out “together”. This isn’t me. I don’t know who this person is – jaded and bitter and hurt.

My best friend Jenny – flat out said to me yesterday – this isn’t who you are. It never has been. You’re just broken right now. Being broken is part of healing. And together – we got this.

She knows the source of my dreams being shattered. She knows the exact moment when for me – everything broke. She held my hand through the darkest moments. And she’s seen me change since then. She’s even felt and watched me shut her out. Without even knowing I was doing it …I stopped talking. Stopped laughing. Stopped sharing. Stopped believing.

Stopped being me.

And yet? She remains. Rambo remains. My family remains. My close friends and blogging friends remain.

I was never alone even when I felt I was. So yes – it hurts. The feeling of everything you knew being suddenly something you don’t recognize…but such is life, right?

Things change. People evolve. Some leave, some go. We go through ups and downs. We feel loved by everyone and yet completely alone. We struggle day to day – just like everyone else.

For a while I stopped believing that reaching out and loving others was worth the risk. Today – I’m still not sure.

The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to keep believing that.

I want to be the me that believed in the goodness in everyone. I want to be the me that lays my heart out on the line – even when I know it could get burned. I want to believe that no one deserves to be truly alone….even me.

I want to believe I am worthy…of letting people love me.

And beyond that – I’d like to believe in that love….and stop the doubt from creeping in.

I cannot stay in this alone forever….it feels like a betrayal of myself.

And such a lonely way to live.

But for right now – I have to allow the feeling to sit with me – so it can spur me on to fixing it. I can’t live in this sadness. I have to find the hope again. I have to hold the hands that are outstretched to me and believe they won’t let go.

I have to learn to trust again….even when right now that seems impossible.

I must remember….

….I am not alone.

And you, my friends, are part of that.



Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

I am relieved to read this in a way because I was so sad for you yesterday. I'm still wishing you did not have to endure this feeling but I understand what you mean about sitting in it. This is something I've been learning to do as well. To feel things without eating them away. And you're right about the fact that you are never alone. Even if you think you are. Your friend sounds amazing and wonderful. I'm so glad you have her and Rambo and everyone else who reads your blog. You may not realize it but you have given a lot of hope and happiness to those who come here . Every time I step foot in this world you have created, it is like a burst of color. I love everything from your blog design to your humor to your stories. And even this. Because you are being very real with letting us in. And that is something I respect deeply. I don't know you in the real world but I still care about you. And you're not alone. So glad you posted today!!!

Gilly said...

Damn right!

Kelliann said...

I am so glad to see you writing today. My heart was breaking for you yesterday, and I had NO words for you. No words that could help fill up that emptyness, so I stayed silent. I let others try to fill in that place. I know we don't know each other outside of this little blog world, but for whatever it's worth, I'm here for you.

Kelly said...

I love you. That is all.

Steph said...

You know that us Kittens will never let you be alone. You're stuck with us...We love you, hon!!

Steph said...

You know that us Kittens will never let you be alone. You're stuck with us...We love you, hon!!

Chris said...

Much love to you, Draz. You are held in a warm, healing light.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time is all you can do somedays. Going through the motions will bring you back eventually.

Janis said...

"Rambo remains."

You were circumspect enough yesterday to make me concerned about this. I'm just a lurker and you have no idea how relieved I am to read these two happy little words. :-)

Sarah said...

Sometimes we all need a good heartbreaking moment to help us see the good things. It's unpleasant to the extreme but it puts some things in perspective. xx

mommykinz said...

We can't all be sunshine and light all the time. hang in there!

Beth Ann said...

Add my love to your very long list! :)

Robyn's Nest said...

Exactly- write out all you need to and heal. You can do that. Just be real with yourself.
I am sending you another hug. (feel it?)

Cat said...

I'm actually crying reading this one today. The alone post from yesterday had me feeling sorta empty and nodding in agreement. Now just moments later (I read both posts within minutes of one another) I'm reminded that alone doesn't have to be the only answer. I am truly wiping away tears as I type this. I must conquer with the others that expressed relief that "Rambo remains". I too was concerned about this. Thank you for sharing.

I too need to work on remembering that while people aren't perfect, many in our lives do love. And while they cannot promise forever or never, the love remains.

o.c. bandster said...

One more hug for you. We are hear to listen...you just keep writing whatever you need to get those feelings out.

Amy said...

I have the urge to do a silly dance to, "You've got a friend in me" from Toy Story. But really...you've got a world of friends here, and you're never, EVER, alone. *hugs*

Dinnerland said...

I understand yesterday's post-- and today's. Sometimes people who think and feel deeply also feel pain very deeply. Artists? Thinkers?
I'm one of those people who think and feel a lot as well and I relate.
As for phentermine (Fentermine?)-- I have to tell you-- I REALLY didn't like it at all. I think I took it a grand total of 4 times. It makes you feel very hepped up and anxious... not worth whatever appetite suppression I got. Just sayin'.
I am now working on some pre-packed portion control as per my blog, we'll see how that rolls.
Good luck with whatever you decide, but I personally didn't find a pill form appetite suppressant comfortable or very helpful.

MizFit said...

you are NOT ALONE.
and this is why Ill never stop blogging.