Soooo – clearly yesterday’s post was downright sob-inducing. Even slightly pathetic if you ask me. I never meant to worry or scare anyone. It’s the curse of my writing. Ever since I was little – if I hurt – I write. Fast and long until the words stop. When I’m done I usually re-read what I’ve written and even shock myself at the depth of my pain sometimes. But writing the words eases the pain and I can’t stop writing them.
About being alone…let’s face it - it is not a nice place to be…but I am okay. I am oddly at peace with the alone-ness. I’m “sitting” with the feeling, if you will. I’m actually allowing myself to feel it instead of shoving it down or aside or away. I feel like this emptiness is going to lead me somewhere…if only because I want to stop feeling this way.
Being alone at my core and voicing that feeling – even if pathetic – allows and invites people in my life to open up and reach out and say, “You’re wrong. You aren’t alone.” The pain can make me forget who and what I have….which is a shame…but true nonetheless.
I don’t want to live in alone – I want to seek out “together”. This isn’t me. I don’t know who this person is – jaded and bitter and hurt.
My best friend Jenny – flat out said to me yesterday – this isn’t who you are. It never has been. You’re just broken right now. Being broken is part of healing. And together – we got this.
She knows the source of my dreams being shattered. She knows the exact moment when for me – everything broke. She held my hand through the darkest moments. And she’s seen me change since then. She’s even felt and watched me shut her out. Without even knowing I was doing it …I stopped talking. Stopped laughing. Stopped sharing. Stopped believing.
Stopped being me.
And yet? She remains. Rambo remains. My family remains. My close friends and blogging friends remain.
I was never alone even when I felt I was. So yes – it hurts. The feeling of everything you knew being suddenly something you don’t recognize…but such is life, right?
Things change. People evolve. Some leave, some go. We go through ups and downs. We feel loved by everyone and yet completely alone. We struggle day to day – just like everyone else.
For a while I stopped believing that reaching out and loving others was worth the risk. Today – I’m still not sure.
The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to keep believing that.
I want to be the me that believed in the goodness in everyone. I want to be the me that lays my heart out on the line – even when I know it could get burned. I want to believe that no one deserves to be truly alone….even me.
I want to believe I am worthy…of letting people love me.
And beyond that – I’d like to believe in that love….and stop the doubt from creeping in.
I cannot stay in this alone forever….it feels like a betrayal of myself.
And such a lonely way to live.
But for right now – I have to allow the feeling to sit with me – so it can spur me on to fixing it. I can’t live in this sadness. I have to find the hope again. I have to hold the hands that are outstretched to me and believe they won’t let go.
I have to learn to trust again….even when right now that seems impossible.
I must remember….
….I am not alone.
And you, my friends, are part of that.