Thursday, April 12, 2012

The state of "affairs".

I was perusing the news online – gathering my usual political research for the day when I saw a headline in the Entertainment section that read:

Why you should keep your affair to yourself.

Now besides reading online all the time, I read a lot of girly magazines and such too. I have to say that never, ever have I seen a magazine, writer or blogger – woman or man – tell people that have had an affair – to keep it a secret.

Have you?

Kudos to the author of this article on finding a title that sucked me in. I clicked on it.

Here it is if you want to do the same:

And then – she got me again. With this article titled:

How an affair saved my marriage.

I mean really….that’s not a title I’ve often seen. It’s usually in big, black, ugly lettering saying the opposite…as in “how an affair ruined my marriage.”

I see THAT article all the time. So again – the rarity of this title sucked me in and I clicked on this one too.

And then because I was procrastinating at work even more – I got caught up in the comments to the author regarding this article.

Holy shit….people have got some opinions on this and might I say that most are not good. In fact, of the ones I’ve read it doesn’t seem that ANYONE agrees with the author.

They kind of think she’s scum.

Without even knowing her. Seeing her face. Living her life. Feeling her joy or her pain.

Just based on her words and opinions and actions with two men the readers also do not know and never will.

Judgement sure does run amuck in our society, doesn’t it? I mean – I’m not saying I think she’s right or wrong….I’m just saying who the hell am I to make that call?

Who says what is right or wrong? Your God, your bible or my rules and my ancestors? Are your morals automatically mine? Your opinions the only truth? Your sins the only forgivable ones? And who gets to say you’re forgiven? Who gets to cleanse you?

I don’t know.

This is a touchy subject. It’s about love and hearts and marriages but I’m working on my own one-sided viewpoints about all those things. Love and marriage does NOT mean the same thing to everyone. It doesn’t have to. And that doesn’t make anyone better than or less than me as a person.

It just makes them different.

I could be wrong. They could be right. But I’ll never know if I don’t drop my need to judge instantly based on very few facts.

Her marriage isn’t mine. If she believes her marriage is better now – woohoo – good luck honey. If she believes affairs should be kept secret….have at it.

Don’t tell me what to do in my marriage and I won’t judge you for what you do in yours.

It sure is fun to talk about though. I mean it’s a pretty taboo subject that isn’t talked about openly much. My girlfriends and I don’t sit around and talk about the affairs they may or may not have had. It’s more of a private talk you have with one person you really trust.

I’ve been close to a few people who have had affairs and open relationships. I’ve never known a woman who has had an affair and kept it from their husband. I wonder if that’s possible. Wouldn’t it eat a person alive as they went on in time? I think if it was a one night thing with no details like names and such – then maybe. But an actual affair with emotions and details – even if it’s over – would be sooo hard to live with forever.

What do you think? Should affairs be kept a secret? Can an affair be good for a marriage? Why? Do you base your opinions on your religion and morals or just on how you feel about love and life?

Do tell…..

You gotta admit this author definitely put a new spin on this subject, right?

Now, let’s discuss! I love a good debate and I’m SICK of politics right now!


Anonymous said...

I have read recently several articles that talk about keeping your infidelities from your partner. The idea is that the only reason you would confess is to make yourself feel better... Which makes it a selfish act that would devastate your partner. I have to say that I agree if it's only one indiscretion. If this is a constant pattern of behavior, I think you should tell your spouse. Is it weird to draw a line based on frequency?

Morgan said...

I think it should always been in the open, I don't like the thought of someone making the call for me. Give me all the info and let me make the choice for myself if I want to stay in that relationship.

I do see some merit in the 'frequency' argument. If it was just a one time 'I tripped and fell on a strange penis' things, maybe it would be better to keep it to yourself. But if there are emotions and dreams of a life together, that has to be brought up! Obviously something has you deeply unhappy....

terbear287 said...

I am that girl. I had an affair about 2 years into my marriage and to make it worse it was with a guy my little sister was sort of dating. I never told my now ex-husband. I admitted to kissing him at a bar but that is all. He had an affair on me to get "even" (yes I know the marriage was doomed) I got a gorgeous girl out of it so no regrets. I let it slip to my sister about a year ago. Luckily the guy is long gone and she is very happily married to an amazing guy. I can't say that I regret my indiscretion but I am not proud of it, nor do I condone it. I was a very very lonely young girl at that time. I have come a long way baby!

MandaPanda said...

As for the the author goes...what a hippocrite (sp). I don't have an issue with her saying that telling about an affair may not be the best decision. I actually agree but then she went ahead and told her husband anyway. And THEN she went on to say you must end the affair completely in order to heal and move on. But she remains close companions with her ex lover and keeps it a secret from her husband "not out of guilt but not wanting to send him a reminder." She feels guitly, make no mistake. She still has an emotional affair with this man. I once told Hubby that I could forgive a drunken one night stand but never an extramarital RELATIONSHIP, which is what this woman had for 18 months and continues to have. I know that sounds judgey but so be it. :)

InWeighOverMyHead said...

I don't think it is EVER a good idea to cheat in a marraige. Even if no one else knows, you would know and it's not good for the soul.

Shug in Boots said...

Right. And my thing is --- you don't know what you would or wouldn't do until you're in that situation. Period.

Anonymous said...

I have been the other woman. It was painful to keep it a secret but also knowing that it was morally wrong made it easier to keep under wraps.

However, I can see that having one could potentially improve a marriage. Seeing what is out there vs. what you have may make you appreciate your spouse more.

RockBand Barbie said...

I don't judge anyone who has had an's really none of my business, but for me personally, if I was in a marriage that didn't fulfill my needs (both emotionally and physically) I would either try my best to fix the problem or get out of the marriage.

Kelly said...

Anytime you're looking for "something" outside of your own relationship/marriage, there's something wrong. If it happened once . . . .oh man, tough call. But if it's an ongoing affair, I would definitely want to know - even knowing that it would devastate me.

LoriBang said...

This is a touchy subject for me because my ex cheated on me. No one told me, I just knew something was off and I finally caught him. A one time thing is/can be a mistake but something that is done more than once becomes a deliberate act of dishonesty. Its not just the "cheating" act but the lies to cover it up, the deceit. There are so many other emotions that become involved that just don't belong in a marriage. If you are that unhappy then do something to try to fix it before putting more of a crack in marriage. My hubby now that I have been married to for 10 years was also cheated on so we went into this relationship with the firm understandin that if we were EVER unhappy, we would discuss and try to take 2 steps back before going forward in a direction that would doom our marriage. That is just my own two cents!

Joanna said...

It's so hard for me to give an opinion on this - because I don't want to judge anyone. Hubby and I have a weird relationship - we don't get jealous about having friends of the opposite sex, we can casually "check out" members of the opposite sex, and we then discuss attractions to other people. But it's all innocent banter.

I can honestly say that if Hubby ever got the urge to cheat on me - I'd hope he'd come to me first. Cheating, in my opinion, is a deceitful act - so regardless if you fess up to it later... you lied in the first place. I'd much rather he be honest with me up front - tell me he's not happy - and at least I can leave with some dignity still in tact. I would do the same for him.

I know people that have had affairs - because they're lonely, they feel a void in their relationships, the "spark" has fizzled out, etc. I don't judge those people - to each their own - I just feel bad for the people that end up finding out about it.

So, I guess I do have an opinion - be honest up front. Don't lie. If you're not happy in your relationship - leave. That's my opinion.

jennxaz said...

to me if you are having problems in the marriage and want to have an affair give your spouse the same advantage and seperate for least they can do the same