Monday, May 14, 2012

Never trust a tiny brown spot. No matter what.

There’s a HUGE part of me that can’t believe I’m going to write about this story….mostly because by writing it – I have to re-live it and I’d rather wrap myself in taffy and lay on a bed of ants but also because it’s just freaking disgusting. Then again – in the past I’ve written about shaving vagizzles, vagizzle pimples and massively embarrassing sex issues too so I guess as readers, you shouldn’t be shocked.


It’s just a little story. No characters but me. I happened to be naked. I also happened to wail out a blood curdling scream or two.

Here’s the story.

I had a long day. I was tired. I decided to take a bubble bath after my kids had already taken their baths.

I pee. I undress. I get my towels out. I blare the radio. I’m about to start the water when I do a quick once-over of the tub. A few stray long hairs I had to get out and a small blackish-brownish square flat shaped thingy too.

This is where it gets sick and twisted. My first thought was that the small brown thing was a piece of a woodchip since the girls had been helping me landscape.

But then – then I decided it looked just like chocolate. And yes – the family of Draz’s has been known to partake in M&Ms and multitudes of other foods whilst bathing. Have you ever tried it? You guys think I kid when I say I bathe in Skittles and candy and such. I’m not. I mean I may never actually bathe IN them but I sure as hell bathe WITH them as I shove them into my mouth.

So I think I’ve hit the jackpot. Because what’s better after a long day than what appears to be a small piece of chocolate left behind. Just shut up with the fact that it’s a small – even teensy - piece of WET chocolate in a bathtub. Beggers can’t be choosers.

Just in case – on the off chance that I am incorrect and it’s a bug or something – I get down on my knees, naked – and kneel over into the bathtub to stick my head closer to the tub bottom to see if I can figure out what it is. (What a sight, huh?) It looks soft. Seriously – it is sooo chocolate.

To err on the side of caution I grabbed a washcloth to wipe it up. I can just as easily lose all my dignity and lick it off a washcloth as easily as I can lick it off my finger.

I wipe it up.

I get in the bath and start running the water now that all is clear.

I stare at my washcloth. Still – I’m just not sure what it is. I touch it. I smear it a bit. It’s brown. It’s soft.

Still – not sure. I mean we’re talking about a spot the size of about ¼ of an M&M without the shell. (still totally worth all this detective work)

What’s left to do but smell it?

Which I do.

HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS – IT’S PPPPOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

Insert blood curdling scream. (Thank God no one was homeby this time.)

Insert me whipping the washcloth across the bathroom.

Insert me yelling – out loud – to myself in the bathroom, “What the f*ck is going on here?”

I mean can you imagine my horror and disappointment when what I thought would be a tiny piece of chocolate turned into a tiny piece of poop…the thing I hate most in this world?

Utter devastation.

No – I have no idea how a tiny miniscule piece of poop got in my tub. I don’t want to know. I want to barf just thinking about how close my nose was to poop. Non-infant poop. Real ass poop.

Apparently it’s my punishment for eating M&Ms and Mountain Dew in the bathtub.

Which by the way – I will never be able to do again without thinking of the poop washcloth incident.

Maybe I’ll start taking showers.

23 comments:

Joy said...

LOL Thanks for the laugh!! I guess that will deter you from doing that again!! So funny!!

Steph said...

I bet you'll never look at an M & M the same again.

Dawnya said...

I just laughed so loudly 3 people ran into my office to see if I was okay. That is the funniest thing I have read in ages.

I would totally be off M&Ms. LOL

Brenda said...

Haha!!!! I think that is the funniest thing I have read in along time.

Amy said...

at least you didn't taste it, right? :)

MandaPanda said...

Eeeewwwww....If that doesn't cure you from eating in the tub, I don't know what will!

Kristin50 said...

You nearly caused me to choke on my protein bar girlie!

LOL so funny!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

GAG!

Gilly said...

I saw that one coming a mile away! Ewwwwwwwww!!!

LDswims said...

LOL....I could hardly read the story without thinking of the "Snickers in the swimming pool" stories...and please God, please don't let that ever happen in my pool...or tub...

angel shrout said...

And then I would have had another mess to clean up when I barfed everywhere..

Jen said...

Wait. Did you just say there was poop in your bathtub? Your ONE place to get away from it all? Had POOP in it. And you almost ate it (thought about it anyway) and you're still alive to tell us about it? WOWSER! Methinks that to make up for that little piece of poo (literally) that you need a new jacuzzi whirlpool tub. Yep, I do. And I'm the boss so it's a go. Call Mr. Contractor. ASAP. You EARNED it Missy!

Anonymous said...

You mean you didn't get out of the tub and bleach the F out of it? That's what I would have done! Sorry, blogger isn't letting me long in so I can comment... so I go anonymous.

becca said...

"wipes tea off screen" that had to be one of the funniest stories I've read today and to think it could have been chocolate the horror of it.

Sarah said...

You say thank heaven nobody heard you scream ... I say thank heaven you didn't just eat it!

Kady Sanchez said...

Man, you really dodged a bullet there! Say a prayer and thank the Lord for the little angel on your shoulder that made you examine before eating! LOLOLOLOL!!

Kelly said...

This didn't happen on Mother's Day, did it? I'm a shower girl myself.

Ms. M said...

I will NEVER be able to eat M&Ms in the tub again! At least not without thinking of your poop incident! You poor thing. Lol

MizFit said...

HMMMM and I HAVE been struggling with trying to talk my girl into showers over baths.
<>

mommykinz said...

OMgosh - I found the same thing on the side of my freakin' bed. That's when I sent the little man back to the bathroom to reclean!!!
New sheets for me.
Thank goodness you didn't taste it.

Ronnie said...

*shudder* I am going to stop indiscriminately eating the "chocolate" I find in the tub now.

Laura Belle said...

Just when I thought that you couldn't shock me any more.....you pull this out. Nice babycakes, nice.

Your poo stories make me giggle. I love it how bowel movements can just brighten my day that little extra bit. LOL!

Sooze said...

I just want you to know that this post saved my life. I just found a tiny brown spot in my tub. As I start to lean in to pick at it I heard alarm bells go off in my head... hum what if this is like that time Draz thought the brown spot in her tub was chocolate, but really was poo???

I reached for a washcloth, wiped it up and.. yup smelled it. Let me just tell you, it was not chocolate. I might have died had I picked that out with my bare hand.

FYI - my tub is now soaked with disinfectant.

Thank you Drazil!