Welcome to WTF Wednesday. I make a random list of things that make me want to scream WTF!!! Just because I can. And because it’s fun. You should try it.
• My friend at work has a grandmother that was recently put in a nursing home. While cleaning out her grandmother’s soon to be vacant apartment, my friend went to the bathroom to pee. Wanna know what was all over one wall of the bathroom right next to the toilet at sitting level?
Um. Maxi pads. Used maxi pads to be exact. Stuck to the wall.
Did you throw up yet? I mean the story is actually sweet. The woman was 91 and obviously wasn’t using these for her period but for that slight leaking issue women get as we age and sometimes the pads just weren’t all that used or dirty so she’d stick them on the wall to use another day so as not to waste a perfectly good pad.
I’d bet my left tit this women grew up as a child in the Depression era.
I told my friend it would have been cool to go in there and rearrange all the pads to say something or arrange them in the shape of a house or a maxi pad tree.
But then you’d have to touch them. Wow.
• Yesterday Banana was playing outside with the neighbor kids. I heard Watermelon yell down to Banana, “Hey, is Kate coming over too?”
Banana says to Kate’s brother, “Hey – is Kate going to be coming over too?”
Kate’s brother replies, “Nope. Her bowels are backed up so she’s laying down.”
Banana yells to Watermelon, “Kate’s bowels are backed up so she’s not coming over.”
Three seconds later – and I knew it was coming – Watermelon comes into the office and says to me, “Mom, what’s a bowel?”
Rambo nonchalantly says, “She can’t poop.”
Honestly. Isn’t it just wrong that I know the little neighbor has backed up bowels? Who says that anyway? Isn’t the politically correct word “constipated”? Or how about a simple, “she doesn’t feel well”?
I cannot escape from poop. It follows me everywhere. Karma hates me.
• While visiting my bestie this weekend she took me to a store that I’d never been to before. I may or may not have had an orgasm just as I walked in the front door at the sight of the place. Angels may have sung. The heavens may have opened. I may have even passed out for a moment.
After regaining consciousness, I shopped. We were in the store for nearly 1.5 hours. In order to pay for my merchandise I had to sign over the rights to my firstborn, sweep their floors and give them all my jewelry. The lady handed me my receipt and said – and I quote – “Now that is a nice receipt.” It was large. She had to fold it multiple times and cut down a tree for more paper in order to finish printing it.
Jenny was giggling in delight knowing once again she had turned me on to something that I am powerless to fight. She also thought it was funny that she spent less than me. I was nearly sobbing knowing I was going to have to get another job to keep up this habit SHE started. She skipped out of the store ahead of me.
I was still in shock that with a total like that – it was still only one small bag.
BAG? What bag?
WHERE THE HELL IS MY BAG??
OMG – I left it in the store. I didn’t even bring the bag of gold that cost me a fortune out of the store. F*ck a duck and call it whatever you want but holy St. Peter’s balls – I have to go back in and get my bag of loot!!!
I sprinted back in. I walked through the doors just as the lady realized I had left my bag and I heard her gasp in shock and say “OH MY GOD”.
I just said, “Um yah – that’d be mine. Calm down. I’m here. Give me that.”
I went back outside. Want to know where my best supportive friend in the entire world was? Just standing there. Laughing so hard she was about to burst a coronary. Knee slapping, hyperventilating, I might die kind of laughing.
I hate her.
Stay tuned for a blog post on which store it was and pics of what I got.
Until then – let me hear about what makes you wanna say WTF this Wednesday!