Wednesday, May 2, 2012

WTF Wednesday!

Welcome to WTF Wednesday. I make a random list of things that make me want to scream WTF!!! Just because I can. And because it’s fun. You should try it.


• My friend at work has a grandmother that was recently put in a nursing home. While cleaning out her grandmother’s soon to be vacant apartment, my friend went to the bathroom to pee. Wanna know what was all over one wall of the bathroom right next to the toilet at sitting level?


Um. Maxi pads. Used maxi pads to be exact. Stuck to the wall.

WTF?

Did you throw up yet? I mean the story is actually sweet. The woman was 91 and obviously wasn’t using these for her period but for that slight leaking issue women get as we age and sometimes the pads just weren’t all that used or dirty so she’d stick them on the wall to use another day so as not to waste a perfectly good pad.


I’d bet my left tit this women grew up as a child in the Depression era.


I told my friend it would have been cool to go in there and rearrange all the pads to say something or arrange them in the shape of a house or a maxi pad tree.


But then you’d have to touch them. Wow.

• Yesterday Banana was playing outside with the neighbor kids. I heard Watermelon yell down to Banana, “Hey, is Kate coming over too?”

Banana says to Kate’s brother, “Hey – is Kate going to be coming over too?”

Kate’s brother replies, “Nope. Her bowels are backed up so she’s laying down.”

Banana yells to Watermelon, “Kate’s bowels are backed up so she’s not coming over.”

WTF?

Three seconds later – and I knew it was coming – Watermelon comes into the office and says to me, “Mom, what’s a bowel?”

Rambo nonchalantly says, “She can’t poop.”

Honestly. Isn’t it just wrong that I know the little neighbor has backed up bowels? Who says that anyway? Isn’t the politically correct word “constipated”? Or how about a simple, “she doesn’t feel well”?

I cannot escape from poop. It follows me everywhere. Karma hates me.

• While visiting my bestie this weekend she took me to a store that I’d never been to before. I may or may not have had an orgasm just as I walked in the front door at the sight of the place. Angels may have sung. The heavens may have opened. I may have even passed out for a moment.


After regaining consciousness, I shopped. We were in the store for nearly 1.5 hours. In order to pay for my merchandise I had to sign over the rights to my firstborn, sweep their floors and give them all my jewelry. The lady handed me my receipt and said – and I quote – “Now that is a nice receipt.” It was large. She had to fold it multiple times and cut down a tree for more paper in order to finish printing it.


Jenny was giggling in delight knowing once again she had turned me on to something that I am powerless to fight. She also thought it was funny that she spent less than me. I was nearly sobbing knowing I was going to have to get another job to keep up this habit SHE started. She skipped out of the store ahead of me.


I was still in shock that with a total like that – it was still only one small bag.


BAG? What bag?

WHERE THE HELL IS MY BAG??


OMG – I left it in the store. I didn’t even bring the bag of gold that cost me a fortune out of the store. F*ck a duck and call it whatever you want but holy St. Peter’s balls – I have to go back in and get my bag of loot!!!


I sprinted back in. I walked through the doors just as the lady realized I had left my bag and I heard her gasp in shock and say “OH MY GOD”.


I just said, “Um yah – that’d be mine. Calm down. I’m here. Give me that.”


I went back outside. Want to know where my best supportive friend in the entire world was? Just standing there. Laughing so hard she was about to burst a coronary. Knee slapping, hyperventilating, I might die kind of laughing.

WTF?

I hate her.


Stay tuned for a blog post on which store it was and pics of what I got.

Until then – let me hear about what makes you wanna say WTF this Wednesday!

11 comments:

MandaPanda said...

Seriously? Bowels are backed up? Who talks that way?!?!

jennxaz said...

lol....little kids are so like adults sometimes it cracks me up! Its moments like those that you want to write down those one liners and go back to visit them for a laugh....you are the poop queen...and I mean that in a good way!

Brenda said...

I threw up in my mouth while reading about the used maxi-pads. Gross! Gross! Gross!

Ice Queen said...

You left us hanging. Wench. We have to wait until tomorrow?

WTF???

Yeah... I don't need to know that so and so can't crap. Keep that kind of info to yourself, you icky thing. Blech.

I hope that you are having a you-know-what-free and on plan and happy day. *kisses*

Kelliann said...

I think I might fall over waiting for what this store was and WHAT DID YOU BUY??? Was it pink? Sparkly? can't wait!
Can I say that I love when you write about what your kids say... I can practially hear them yealling about bowels back and forth, and I don't even know you! I always think of my 2 boys when you talk about your 2 girls...

Catherine55 said...

LOL! The maxi pad thing is SO MUCH worse than my WTF! WTF?!? But I love the decor idea... minus the touching-the-things part!

My WTF is... grown men who wear backpacks over a suit jacket (WTF! Get a briefcase! You are ruining your suit!) and people who clip their fingernails in public... especially on the subway. Ugggggg.

Band Geek said...

I used to work at a [very upscale, keep in mind] retirement community, and some of the residents would set up holiday decor in the nooks outside their apartment doors. One sweet resident in particular once set up a charming winter scene, including lovely snow banks made of....you guessed it...maxi pads (unused of course). Some of he snobbier residents put an end to that real quick. As an aside, this was the same resident who [on my very irst director on duty weekend] called maintenance to her apartment to replace the batteries in her vibrator. She was 89. That maintenance tech came to my office threatening to quit if I made him do it, so I gave him a pass.

becca said...

after all that the question remains do i come back tomorrow yes yes i will

Beth Ann said...

I'm picturing Charming Charlie?? I love that place. Okay, now I want to go shopping!

mommykinz said...

Ooh yes If its not Charming Charlie - you gotta see that too!
The used maxi pads grossed me out and then I felt sad - you're right depression era, my grandma wouldn't bathe everyday b/c she didn't want to waste water.
Backed up - classy as I am, I'm just sayin' she's full of sh#%!

Joanna said...

Oh, I so needed to read this today. I needed the laugh - but I didn't expect tears. Yes, actual tears running down my face.

If one of my kids had backed up bowels - there's no way I'd tell the other kids... oh, out of the mouths of babes.

Ew on the pads. But OMG - that's what got the tears a flowing. To think that the poor old dear was trying to save a few bucks. How sad and gross and..horrible that I find it completely hysterical.

Now, I can't wait until later to read about the store... I'm also picturing Charming Charlies.