Wednesday, May 23, 2012

WTF Wednesday!

Woohoooooo! It’s WTF Wednesday…which, in Care Bear Land, can mean WhyTF, WhatTF or WhoTF just because that’s how I roll. I list some things that make me want to scream WTF for your reading torture enjoyment. Join me if you want to – it’s shitloads of fun.

WhyTF are men so stupid simply because they have a penis? My proof? I was standing next to our bed last night – naked – situating my 6 pillows and two 20 year old stuffed animals and my earplugs and my alarm clock (Rambo calls this “me getting my nest ready”) and I looked up and Rambo was staring at me and he says, “Don’t you wish you had your big boobs back?”

NO – asswipe – but apparently you do. Why would you just blurt that out?

No reason. I saw your boobs and it reminded me.

Reminded you of what? That you’re not impressed by my itty bitty titties. By the way – they aren’t “small”. They are C’s. Double f*cking E booblets are not boobs. They are bowling balls with nipples attached to a chest. I’d like you to have something hanging on your body that big for one day. You’d never wish them back again. Mother heifer.

And then I shanked him in the penis. Said goodnight. And shoved my earplugs in.

• Remember when I skipped a WW weigh in because I had been doing hours upon hours of landscaping and my scale jumped 6 lbs overnight due to how sore I was? Well the week after that I went a little cray cray food-wise because my pea brain was all like, “Well – the scale is up anyway – you might as well earn those pounds and make them real instead of water weight from excessive landscaping.” And I did. WTF!!! So the next weigh-in sucked donkey farts but by yesterday’s weigh-in I was back to within a pound of my lowest weight. Down 7.5 pounds so far. Thank you Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

WTF is better than a 3 day weekend? A four day weekend where I get to see my bestie!! That – in and of itself – is amazeballs BUT what’s even better is that it’s her birthday weekend AND I get to show her all the new Coach purses I bought.

• Speaking of new purses. I have an issue. It’s not even about purses per se. It’s about the COLOR teal….or any variation of teal. If an item is that color – I have to have it. Let’s go so far as to say that if a pile of poopoo was teal – I’d want to put it in a teal hazardous waste bag and take it home with me in a teal sealed container and store it on a teal shelf in a teal room. WTF is wrong with me? (don't answer that)  A new Coach purse that just came out had TEAL in it. I bought it in two different types of purse. Because of the color. I am sick I tell you. Sick.

• My Banana graduates from kindergarten this week and I took her shopping for a new outfit. After trying on a few and walking through the store, I asked her if she was ready to go. She said, “Yup, let’s get our crotches out of here.” WTF?? This was after she suddenly veered away from me and went to stand next to an aisle about 5 ft away and I said, “What are you doing?” Then I heard her say “excuse me”. I gave her “the mother look” and she just said, “What? That was appropriate.” Am I supposed to be proud that my daughter went 5 ft away to fart and said excuse me and then said it was appropriate or should I be appalled? I kept walking and pretended she wasn’t mine once I figured out what was going down.

• Do any of you watch Private Practice? A character on the show had a baby in her womb with no brain and she carried it to full term so she could give away all its organs since it had no chance of survival. In my real life – I know a woman in this situation. She too has chosen to carry the baby to term to give away all her baby’s organs. It is an awful situation and so creepy to see it play out on TV. WhyTF does stuff like this happen?

• I love Mountain Dew – sometimes more than I love my kids. Oh wait. No, that’s not true. Except when they are being snotlickers. Then? Every time I’d pick Mountain Dew. There’s a guy at work right that sits by the fridge that holds the Mountain Dew. When I go in and get one he has the f*cking balls to say, “Have fun drinking that sugar that is bad for you!” Like if he didn’t say that I would have NO idea that Mt. Dew was bad for me. WhoTF do you think you are?

Yes, yes…I will have fun drinking this can of sugar while you waste away the hours trying to figure out why you’re single and there’s a shank in your balls courtesy of me. Mother heifer.

• Lastly – um hello?? Miss Laura Belle sent me this nail polish because she knows my love of teal. Now I usually love LB but right now she is next on my shank list due to the fact that she just lost 6 lbs and now her whole body weighs less than just my left leg. WTF? Anywhoozle…isn’t this color lovely? Never mind the disgusting state of my nails – acrylics are off until landscaping is done so be nice.

That’s all I got for WTF Wednesday! Now share yours!!


Brenda said...

Hahaha. Shanked him in the penis. You crack me up.

I have a similiar obsession with the color Turquoise. I swear I buy everything just because it is that color. WTF?

Chris said...

"Have fun being an a$$wipe - you do seem to enjoy it so."

jennxaz said...

Lots of shanking going on----Love it!

MandaPanda said...

All the shanking sounds well deserved to me!

Jen said...

You need to rig up a bra with bolwing balls attached for Rambo. Make him wear it around the house and on the treadmill. I think that comment just justified the two new Coach's. See how my mind wojavascript:void(0)rks?
You need to bring that polish this weekend!
Can't wait to see you. xoxox's

Laura Belle said...

Whatevs, i'm not on your shank list because you lovey me long time. There is NUSSING better than that color. NUSSING. I'm so happy you love it! I'm going to send you a pic of my nails today. you.will.die. (in a good way!)

The Dandy Bandy said...

I too share the obsession with teal... What is it about that color? It's addicting...(can a color be addicting?) Love your shanking post :)

Steph said...

I love the new teal color in the Coach bags...I almost bought one, but I knew Jason would be like, "WTF another damn purse?"

Men are just one big giant walking dildos with very small brains.

Joanna said...

A whole lot of shanking going on this week... LOVE IT!!! Is that bad? Should I enjoy so much shanking? Oh well...can't help it and don't care. :)

Angel Shrout said...

That is a beautiful color of blue I must agree. So I will tell you my dress for my senior prom was that color. Please tell me your hubby is sleeping with one eye open. I agree on the boobs currently I am an EE during my middle pregnancy I was a JJ. Those sumbitches HURT and I could NOT breastfeed, tell me that is not just
WRONG on all levels..

Lap Band Gal said...

oh! Pretty nails! Do you also do shellac? I like it cuz it lasts longer for me. :)

mommykinz said...

I am soo trying to grow my nails so I can join this nail polish fetish.
I LOVE me some teal - 'cept I call it turquoise! I am now going to the coach page just 'cause you said they have teal!

Ducky said...

It is a very lovely color. Scales are liars.


becca said...

scales are stupid. love the nail color

Kristin50 said...

I so love your nails!!!

Did you see my message to you on FB? If you did and are being incognito I get that!

I just thought it was a cute coinky dink!

I laugh so hard when I read your blog it hurts my sides almost as much as ZUMBA!!! Hehehe wonder if I can drop weight just from reading your blog?

Leigh C. said...

My husband said the exact same thing about my boobs. Seriously, would he rather I gain the 80+ pounds back so he can fondle my previous 46D breasts? Men are soooooo lame.

Kelly said...

Rambo is the man. :-)

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

You should have asked him if he ever wished to have his balls back-he can find them in your new teal Coach purse!