Thursday, June 7, 2012

Spider gangs vs. witch doctors.

I can’t even believe I’m writing an entire post about this but it’s all Laura Belle’s fault. Today in her Ten Things Thursday she said something about spiders and it reminded me of something so disgusting – that naturally I have to share it.

Seriously – just yesterday or today I was reading the news and there was a headline about “Spider Swarms Killing People” or something ridiculously petrifying like that. I cannot for the life of me understand why on Earth I dared to click on the link.

Well actually I did it to make sure that these spider swarms weren’t in Podunk…cuz um…I’d be leaving town if they were.

They weren’t. They were in some crazy, far off place like Mo-zam-beek or something. Whew.

Moving on.

They put a f*cking picture of the spider at the top of the article. It’s like a small, newer, more modern version of the old tarantula. Thank you very much. For the nightmares I will now have tonight.

I just wanted to READ about them….not SEE them.

Anyway – so these spiders come in groups. I think the article might have even called them “herds”. I could go back to the story and check to be sure but then I’d have to see that spider picture again and I’m not doing that. Not even for accuracy sake.

That’s what is peculiar to the scientists. That the spiders travel in herds.


That they ATTACK. They seem to “spring” onto people’s bodies and clamp on and bite.

And kill people. Or you get excruciating pain and aches all over your body if you don’t die. If that were me – I think I’d choose death anyway.

So as I keep reading I’m freaking out more and more. It’s like a low budget bad horror movie – in real life. No one can figure out what kind they are or where they came from. There may be an anti-venom but they haven’t administered it yet. I guess more swarms of people must die before they can find the heart to kill swarms of spiders.

So I keep reading, keep freaking out. People…multiple people have died from spider bites. This is 2012. This is insane. How long before one of them dumb ass people killing spiders walks his way to my neighborhood?

No one but me seems to be panicking or understanding the severity of the situation!? Where’s the National Guard or the CIA or PETA?

PETA can have all of those spiders it wants. Have at ‘em. Make ‘em your pets if you want.

And then – I get to the last sentence in the article.

Now I’d like to strangle the writer, kill him or her and then shank their baby toes.

The last line said something like this:

However, it is unsure whether or not the spider bites actually killed any people. The people who have been bitten and died all FIRST went to witch doctors for aid. The witch doctors cut open the bites with razors and then burned the people’s wounds. THAT may be what killed them. We cannot be sure.

YOU CANNOT BE SURE??? I mean I’m no doctor but I can be sure.

Hmmm….did a spider kill this person or did the razor cut burned to a crisp gaping wound play a bigger part in their death???


OMG – this whole time it wasn’t really the spiders? I was about ready to go live in my bomb shelter until the species was eradicated.

And the whole time I should have been scared of the witch doctors.

Why are there still witch doctors anyway? I’m so confused.

If you get a spider bite, since when do you run to a witch doctor down the street? And then let her rip you open with a razor and then burn you?  When would that ever seem like a good idea?


I don’t know who is more stupid.

The spiders for running around willy nilly in gangs.

The spider-bitten people running to witch doctors.

The witch doctors for being alive. And owning razors.

The journalist for completely making up a story that isn’t a story but will still haunt me all week.

Or me – for blogging about this shit and thinking anyone will read it.

My apologies for the 5 minutes you spent reading this that you will never get back.  Oopsie.


Brandy said...

Well, I read it and I can't decide who's crazier....the journalist or the people going to a freaking witch doctor! Who does that?!?!?!

Laura Belle said...

Seriously? I about fainted at the 'they are in herds and attack people by jumping on them'. I might even be having a panic attack right now. Yup, my heart's going to explode.

But this just made my day. I giggled so hard at the end there!!!

BTW, thank you baby Jesus you did not post 'the picture' of them on here. I would have maybe had to unfollow you.

Naaaaaa, I could never do that! I heart you too much!!!

LDswims said...

If I ever see a spider swarm coming I'm running for the witch doctor! I'm sure that witch doctor will taste much better to the spiders!

Hell, I'd even turn those spiders to the swarms of mosquitoes right outside my front door. Let them battle it out. Just take it off my lawn, please!

Thank you for two blogs. That "almost" makes up for nothing yesterday. "Almost".

Lighter + Happier said...

I have the same fear of spiders and yet i read your whole post and laughed through it all. thanks!

Amy said...

I have the urge to sing the Witch Doctor song in the Chipmunks voice! I blame you!

terbear287 said...

and once again you brought tears to my eyes and people in my office are wondering why I am laughing. Great thanks for almost getting me busted for reading blogs instead of working.

love it, but I do not love people attacking spiders or witch doctors though!

Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

Hahaha!!! This made me laugh until I started thinking that it is real and sounds horrific!!! I hate spiders! I used to live in new Mexico and I saw tarantulas crossing the street in packs so I do believe in spider gangs. I now feel the need to call terminix!!

trishajo said...

I am too effing horrified to say anything of substance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brenda said...

Spider gangs?! I am going to have terrifying nightmares now. EWWWWW!!! I hate spiders. My heart is racing just thinking about it.

Dani said...

OMG-Australian spiders dont hang around in gangs-or do they?? I have such a spider phobia and I still want to see that actual story!What is that??!!

Ducky said...

Spiders that run in gangs, spring on people and bite?! THAT is the important part. Who cares if the witch doctor done died 'em! We're talking GANGS of spiders.

We must stop the violence! {shudder}

Rachel said...

When there was the snakehead fish outbreak in maryland and dc they put a huge picture on the front page of the washington post... I was getting my coffee and paper at s'bux and had to beg the cashier to cut the picture out so I could read the paper on the way to work. Snakes are my biggest fear. I also turned down a paid internship in a refugee camp along the Thai/Burma border because you had to wear special hats because the snakes jump in between the trees and fall on people's heads. WTF is wrong with this world????

MandaPanda said...

My husband thanks you for the night terrors that this is bound to cause. That is all. :)

Robyn's Nest said...

To me it is just amazing that there are countries that are so far in the dark ages that there are witch doctors with knives to cure a spider bite..... And how did a journalist even hear about this?
Witch Doctors?? Really?