Monday, July 23, 2012

Poop and votes. (No joke. That's the real title.)

I’m cursed.

It’s official. I mean there’s just no other explanation. There just isn’t. I’ll tell you why and then I also need your opinion on something. Like I’m seriously going to tally your votes and make my decision based on them because Jenny and Rambo and I can’t come to a unanimous decision.

First – back to being cursed. Remember how thee #1 things in life that I abhor and despise start with the letter P? Mainly poop.

It haunts me people. I’m not kidding. Ever since I declared it publicly here that even the P word makes me gag – it has seemed to consume my life.

If it’s not prison stories about P words – then it’s things in my own life or the f*cking neighbor kids wadding up ½ a roll of toilet paper and clogging MY toilet.

Mkay. Soooo – I was on the back deck watching the kids in the pool and I decided to go in to get a drink. I walked in and THE SECOND I stepped foot in my newly cleaned house I gasped. Not in a good way.

Then I threw up a little in my mouth and covered my nose. Shit. No – I mean literally. Somewhere in my house there was shit. And from the smells of it – it had to be a pile. Or there’s a turd in every damn corner perhaps. The smell is that bad.

I’m standing in the dining room – half a damn block from our bathroom so to smell it from where I was meant most likely whatever shit I was smelling was NOT in its rightful place. (aka - the toilet)

I nearly passed out.

I started to look everywhere. In the dining room, kitchen and living room. For a pile of shit. I’m thinking maybe one of our cats did it though they’ve never done that ever. There’s a first time for everything right?

I see nothing. The smell is worse. Understand people that my ENTIRE house reeks. BADLY.

I start mumbling under my breath – blaming Rambo. Only a man’s ass could do such a thing if the cat didn’t, you know? I then start down the hallway and see Watermelon in her room.

I scream a little too loudly, “WATERMELON – WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL???”

She says, “I know Mom. I think it’s coming from the bathroom.”

What? How can that be? How can my whole house smell like someone mopped my every floor with a poop sponge if the smell is from the bathroom? 3 and 4 rooms away people – I was gagging. One foot in the house and I was covering my nose.

What the hell is in that bathroom?

I felt like I was in a horror movie. I opened the bathroom door – pretty much thinking that some boogey man holding a scalpel would have been more fun than finding what was really in there.

I walked slowly to the toilet and peeked into it.

AND RAN AWAY. While literally screaming OMG OMG OMG and running into Watermelon’s room.

“What the hell Mom? What is it?”

“Well – there’s a turd the size of a small dog in our toilet. I saw it and ran. I can’t go back in there.”

Now I know you all think I’m acting like a 2 year old. But the thing is – MY KIDS FLUSH. And my kids can not and have not ever smelled up an entire house. Ever.

So not only is the situation bad but what makes it unbearable is that the shit we’re dealing with isn’t related to me. It’s from someone else’s kid!

The same f*cking one that clogged my toilet last week.

I can’t take this. I just can’t.

You can bet your ass I went and found Rambo. He was outside and I told him to come inside right away. I told him what happened and told him I was afraid it wouldn’t go down and then it’d be clogged and the whole thing would be worse so I just ran.

He went in the bathroom (I was scared I’d never see him again) and came out later and said, “I took care of it.”

And then he said, “I’m going outside to tell that kid that she needs to learn how to flush. I’m surprised she’s still alive after something that big came out of her. Jesus.”

I said, “OMG – you are not going to yell at her about poop in front of the other 6 kids out there AND her mother. I’ll take her aside later and discuss the poop and the toilet paper with her.”

For the record, there was no way in hell I was ever going to talk over this incident with the culprit. Ever. People – this kid gives me the heebie geebies without ever discussing poop and toilet paper with her. I cannot have a conversation one on one with her about such things. Hives will close off my throat and I’ll suffocate and my death will be poop related and the world will end.

Can you imagine? Why should I have to tell anyone’s kids about the rules of pooping and toilet paper? JESUS. It’s just not right. I told Rambo that I’m just simply going to tell her she cannot use the toilet in my house. It’s broken. End of story.

Never in all my life people. NEVER ever did I think a child that is 7 years old and 4 feet tall could smell up my entire house. I kid you not – I had to spray every room with Febreeze.


I just can’t get over it.

What does this kid do at school? Doesn’t she pee or poop in her own damn house? Why mine? I don’t even like her – can’t she freaking tell?

OMG – it’s a miracle I’m alive. It was traumatic. Like unbelievably. Traw. Mat. Ick.

Let’s move on and get to this vote I need. I need your opinions on something much less gruesome but just about as icky.

Right before I met Jenny – I *thought* I had a best friend. I was veeeeeeery wrong. I was vulnerable and desperate for a best friend and I dove headfirst into a relationship that was the definition of cray-cray. The woman is a compulsive liar. And honestly, until Jenny pointed it out – I was so wrapped up in “finally” having a best friend – that I refused to see that this woman was certifiable.

Once I saw it though – I saw it….and I cut off contact with her one day with no explanation to her whatsoever. She was too crazy to have understood anyway. I mean we’re talking lying about divorces, ex-husbands, careers, abuse, kids, government clearances, knowing celebrities, being broke, being rich to having the same weight and surgeries that I did. God I was so gullible.

That was over 3 years ago. Last week I got an email from her. She misses me and wants to reconnect.

Jenny says she’s unsure what I should do. Email or not. And Rambo says the same thing. That it’s completely my call and neither decision is wrong or right. I don’t think she’s evil – she’s just completely messed up – but I don’t wish her any ill will or sadness. I genuinely hope she is happy.

But now that I know what real friendship is and what not crazy looks and feels like – reaching back into that scares me. Every time I almost hit reply to her email – my stomach felt sick. But part of me wonders if she’s changed or fixed herself or if she’s figured out how to find happiness. Even so – I don’t want her to know anything about me or my life. Not a single thing…so if I contact her I won’t be “sharing” info, that’s for sure.

I just don’t know. And I'm pretty sure I just don't care either.

So what would you guys do? Nothing? Or email and offer my wish that she is happy and pray she’s no longer crazy? I can’t be who I used to be to her. I have no desire to be.

Ugh. Ghosts from the past are annoying little things, aren’t they?

Not as annoying as neighbor kids with bowel movements the size of The Hulk’s right leg though.


Tina @ The Bandit Girl said...

I would ignore the email. If she persists, respond with a polite note explaining that you think it is best to let things be as they are. No explanation necessary. You have made the right choice for you.

Amy said...

ewww...I'm eating a chocolate protein bar right now. nas-tay. wait, I take that back, I'm no longer eating the protein bar. :P

CJ said...

If you are sure you don't want to tell her anything about you or your life, I think that is a good "gut check" that you aren't really wanting to connect. It seems to me it would be difficult to have any type of connection that would be beneficial to you OR her without that. Sounds like it's a chapter that is closed.

JRD said...

IGNORE!!! Do not respond to the cray cray, because in my experience, people like that will take any response and take it as a positive. So even if you email to say "hope you're well, but we can't be friends" she will interpret that as "I got a response out of her". Do not engage. That's my two cents. And also? That neighbor kid is nasty. Dayum.

Fit Mom said...

I agree with CJ that if you dont want to tell her anything then you should just ignore the email. You have moved on. If she "misses" you, chances are before long she is going to want to have lunch or get together etc and it sounds like you arent ready to do that.

Kelliann said...

I have to go with the above - I would ignore. She is probably trying to re-connect becasue she has crazy-ed everyone else out of her life. You do NOT need that kind of drama, mama!

Sarah G said...

I like how JRD put it Do Not Engage.

Sarah said...

Ok part one. Poor kid that she has never been taught by her parents to use toilets properly. I fear it will follow her for a while. Perhaps a quite word with her parents to ask them to remind her to flush wouldn't go amiss.

Part 2.
Yes, ghosts from the past are a pain in the butt! I had a similar situation recently with an ex and a former friend.
My opinion is ignore it. The woman is clearly not stable and I am not sure she would not take no for an answer.

Stacey said...

Ignore! Some crazy just doesn't go away. She will be just as insane as she was back then. You sure don't need that in your life!

Steph said...

Ok...I have to chime in here as a child who has suffered through major pooping issues for 1/2 her life. Instead of looking at her like she is a child who was never taught any better, maybe there is a medical issue at hand. If it was as large as you say, it may have been logisitcally impossible for it to properly be flushed. Trust me, I've been there. My daughter would pass a BM the size of a small tractor and she would block up the toilet at school and didn't realize it was clogging the toilet. We taught Sarah how to use the restroom, but sometimes things happen and i'd imagine if your neighbor child had a floater, she'd be just as mortified. Remember she's a kid, your an adult. Telling her she can't use your bathroom would be rude on your part, so maybe you could just talk to her mom and see if there is a problem. It's better than her pooping in your pool.

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

Stef - I know this child. Very well. She is at my house nearly every day and stays overnight a couple times a week. She has no medical conditions and eats exactly the same foods my kids eat. Using an entire roll of toilet paper when she goes isn't medical no matter what. She uses my bathroom daily but this weekend it just happened to be like this and 99% of my blog was meant to be funny...because I'm not the type of person who makes fun of chidlren with medical conditions. I think the "tone" of my blog is clear and it's pretty much like all my other posts in that it's sarcastic. I tried to make a yucky situation not so yucky. And I'm also not seriously going to tell her she can't use my bathroom. Did you honestly think I meant that? I also talk to her mom - almost daily as well - and there's no medical problem. The toilet didn't clog. It wasn't too big to be flushed....I was sarcastically exaggerating again. What I'm grossed out about is her lack of bathroom etiquette at her age. Go all you want in my toilet - just flush and use a normal amount of TP. I wasn't trying to hurt or offend anyone.

adorkbl said...

I would ignore the email. Obviously you don't want to reconnect... so I would just leave it be. There is no polite way to email and say "have a nice life, but you are cray cray and I don't want to have you back in my life".

trishajo said...

I am nosy as hell and would SOO have to email her back. But that's just me.

And I LOL'd about four or five times while reading this... I have HORRIBLE smell-gag-reflex, especially since my revision it's gotten worse!!!! I woulda def puked, too.

Hope bout this for a poop story... I walk into my friends house.. she's married with no kids... we'd been out to the fair one night, drank too much water, had to pee- go to her bathroom to find a BOWL FULL OF FLOATING TURDS!!!! Like 30 of them!!!! I was like WTF how did she not flush in her OWN HOUSE?!?!

It was totally gross out central. And I then I had to flush THEN pee.


Lala Loses said...

Once a crazy, always a crazy - my best friend (gag) of over 10 years (she was my MOH!!) went nutso and I just cut her off - BEST thing I ever did!

Ronnie said...

I agree with everyone else. Don't respond. People like that don't ever change, really.

And someone needs to teach that kid how to go. You do it every day (if possible) not once a week. Which if that poo was as big as you said, it sounds like that's what she's been doing. Poor thing. :(

Fit Mom said...

Drazil- wanted to let you know how much I LOVE reading your blog and have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award!

LDswims said...

So you said "I don’t even like her – can’t she freaking tell?"

Umm...really? You really have to ask? I'm thinking she sure does know. And she knows exactly how to let you know she knows and feels the same.


Sorry, couldn't resist.

Based on not wanting to share any details of your life, then, well, there's really no reconnecting. If you email back and say "fine, ok, going well, lots of fun, and much to look forward to", well...that's not really reconnecting. Given that connecting would be, "I'm fine, but I really hate poop nowadays, things are ok but Rambo's job still scares me and he's been elected mayor, the girls are growing so fast and things are going very well at school, they are incredibly active in sports and have manners their friends should all envy, and I have opened my own boutique online in which I sell all of my wonderful purses and shoes which I no longer care to store giving me income I can't wait to spend on future fashion items I am always looking forward to" vote is no. If you can't reciprocate in kind, that's pretty rough. I always have a hard time with "clean breaks". I think once a deep friendship then there should always be something. It won't always stay deep, it will ebb and flow, even, but if I was close enough to let someone in, I feel they at least deserve a christmas card. However, when a major betrayal happens or cray cray becomes the only outlook, cutting it off is sometimes the only way to go.

On the other hand, I had my bestie from college just spontaneously walk away from me. She swears up and down nothing was wrong. I tried to find out what was going on with her recently, just wanted to know why she walked away. Claims I am too busy with husband and kids. That may be true...but I don't see that as a reason for ending a friendship. I'm sure she thinks I'm cray cray - but she doesn't know a lot of nuances about me nowadays. And I think she's cray cray, too. 32 and refuses to move out of mom and dad's house because it's more fun to use all her money to travel the world and buy shoes. I love traveling and buying shoes, too, but when her parents keep asking her to contribute rent or buy groceries or something because they can't afford the extra mouth on their limited retirement income and she continues to think "it's a joke, they love me too much"...well...not something I want my boys to witness. Still, very sad to see the friendship severed because "I'm too busy". That's just a load of poop!

Julie Taylor said...

hahahaha! Poop girl is cracking me up! Maybe putting a nice little sign on the toilet saying "flush after you poop or I will shank you!" will do the trick?!? lol

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I would ignore the e-mail. I'm just no good at any confrontation and if I responded I'd wind up being the maid of honor at one of her pretend weddings! And the poop thing- I know first hand that that's just how some kids go. We have a plunger at the ready and use it often. It is what it is. We all poop. *sigh*

Ice Queen said...

If the thought of hitting the reply button makes you feel sick, that is a strong signal from your gut telling you that it is a bad idea.

Listen to your gut.

Ice Queen said...

Oh! And Poop Girl needs to be told, in no uncertain terms that when she needs to go potty, she needs to run along home and do that.

Why the fuck do people go to other people's houses and do shit like that? Gah!


Some people are way to serious...anywho you should IGNORE! No neee to ope that door agian.

Laura Belle said...

I'd say either ignore it (cause I have about zero guts for stuff like that) or send a short email back saying that something, something, something, don't want to reconnect. OK. that wasn't really a good vote was it.

if you haven't emailed her yet, just email her. tell her you don't want to reconnect. there. that's my vote.

and that poop story was god-awful. my life is forever changed just reading that. I dont know how you dealt with that, I really don't.