Thursday, July 12, 2012

Rainbow puke and vagina hives.

If you’re a regular reader here – I think it’s fairly well known that I’m an OCD anal-as-they-come pre-planner kind of woman. I buy organizers like people buy toilet paper and then I color code them for different purposes. I’m fairly certain it’s a new mental disease they haven’t named yet – but they will. Maybe they’ll even name it after me. Something like, “Drazzieneedsastraightjacket Disease”. Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Anywhoozle – in my little world of Care Bear Land where we ONLY fart gumdrops and hop around on fluffy white clouds after and IF life is properly planned out ahead of time – bucketloads of shit-covered clouds have shown up.

Like little shit Smurfs with beady red eyes are literally invading my land of unicorns and Care Bear stares to dump blue buckets of shit ON MY PARADE that I call today.

Here – let me explain further.

NEXT weekend on my “personal life” calendar you will see in pretty orange letters the words “annual bike ride” – next to a sticker that reads, “out of town” next to another sticker that says “fun”.

If they made stickers that said, “You have the wrong weekend tagged so pull your head out of your ass and stop screaming obscenities about the cruelty of life and get to planning – ASAP!” - um…that’s what I’d stick there today knowing what I know now.

My co-worker goes with me on this ride and I kid you not – I was walking to the kitchen with her about an hour ago and I just half-assed said, “So what are the plans and timeframes for next weekend?”

She said, “You mean for tomorrow?”

NO. F*ckstick. I mean NEXT weekend – just like my planner says.

Noooo – it is TOMORROW.

I stopped – mid-walk, middle of the hallway – and yelled a little too loudly, “You’re not being serious right now are you? Well, are you?”

I can literally feel my blood pressure spiking. I’m nearly running back to my office so I can get my hands on my planner to prove to her she has the wrong date.

Holy American cowpies! 2.5 days OUT OF TOWN – TOMORROW and I just found out roughly 24 hours before we leave????

Perhaps this is the appropriate time to finally confess that I am diagnosed with massive anxiety and stress migraines and that basically I’m afraid of myself. Yes?

Oh and newsflash – let’s all remember I have TWO KIDS who need sitters!!! Oh and we just happen to be watching the neighbor’s dog. Oh and our other neighbor died and we have her wake to attend. Oh and the minute we return, I have a board meeting for which I thought I had a WEEK to prepare for!

Satan’s balls (he may indeed be behind this fiasco) – my literal head is spinning. I would love to cry but there’s too much to do. Too many lists to make.

Here’s the best part…I incorrectly THOUGHT someone was taking an actual vehicle to the cabin where we are staying. Nope – everyone is riding their motorcycles.

Well, well – apparently my new outlook on life which includes giving way less care to how I look will come in handier than I thought. I have to pack everything I need for 2.5 days in a motorcycle. I’ve done one day before (and nearly lost my marbles) but 2.5 days. And we plan to go to a festival, eat out twice, go on boat rides, go swimming and go biking.

Oh my mother heifer. I cannot deal.

So far I have called Rambo 6 times and each time he answers and says, “Hey babe, what do you need?” and each time I say, “Oh nothing. I’m just freaking out some more. I’m a planner, remember? I don’t know if I can pull this off. I think I feel hives sprouting near my vagina and I chewed my left arm off already. Can I call you again in ½ hour?”

I’ll just never understand him. I called him the minute I found out about this emergency new date and screamed “DUDE – DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?? IT’S THIS WEEKEND!” and he just said, “Oh. Okay.”

Really? I mean mother-f*cking really?  It is sooooo not okay, you douchewagon!!! 

Then I ate 2 Kit Kats and that helped.

This weekend – this sudden change of plans – is a test. I’m fairly certain God was bored toying with shit-spreading Smurfs or He lost a bet with Satan or He needed something more interesting to do so He decided to plop this little goody in my lap.

Can’t you see Him just chuckling, saying, “Let’s see if she has really changed. Let’s see if she really can enjoy the moment and let go of physical insecurities. Let’s see if she can get through this without hives or migraines. Let’s see if she can survive this.

Hey Angel Gabriel – get me a glass of wine and some popcorn so I can sit and watch Draz lose her mind, puke rainbows and have diarrhea…all at once.”

Fine, God. Just fine. We’ll see.

I never back down from a challenge. Especially when it involved motorcycles and God.

That’s a combination you’re just better off not messing with, you know?

That being said…if you’d like to throw in an extra prayer or two for me for this weekend – I’ll take ‘em. Like as many as you got.

And thanks. No worries.

I totally got this. At least the puking rainbows and vagina hives parts anyway.


Joanna said...

Oh wow...I don't know what to say. I feel like I've got to know you pretty well over the past couple of years - and just the fact that you didn't just say "F**k it, I'm not going" is a HUGE thing.

I hate last minute preparations, and I'm not even that much of a planner. But, I know you got this - you will have a great time..and this time next week, you'll be able to celebrate how you overcome.

Definitely sending LOTS of thoughts your ways. :)

Fit Mom said...

Oh my. I dont mean to laugh, but you have a great way with words. And dont worry- I will be saying a great many prayers for you because it must be difficult to live out of saddlebags on a motorcycle for two people for 2.5 days. I cant imagine! Just think of all the great stories you will have to share next week! Now quit writing your blog and hurry up and pack already!!

Laura Belle said...

Ok. That would freak me out a little too. You know we're going on vacay this weekend and I'm already freaking out because I don't know what we're going to do sat. Like do we boat and float? Or do we go to a pool party? Do we do both? what time should we leave, what do we pack for lunch, will we need two coolers, should I wear the purple swimsuit or the teal one? And it goes on and on.

So you know what I did this morning when I was hyperventilating about this? I took a deep breath. And then another (cause one just wasn't cutting it) and I said, "I will have fun. That's what we'll do." nothing else matters really. Fun is what matters.

And you will have fun. And you will make it thru, sans rainbow puke and vajayjay hives.

Get it Sunflower!! You will rock this and piss on Satan and his evil plotting!!

Ronnie said...

Got got this. Just wear layers!

angel shrout said...

Sweetie you have this. Something fun and cool to wear the basics so you don't smell funky and HAVE fun...

Miss S. said...

I'd flip out too. I think I have anxiety for you....Breathe deep. It will be okay.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I guess the 1st thing you did was figure out who was watching the girls, cause if you didn't and don't have anyone, the rest of the stress is unnecessary! Good luck! I hope you have a great time!

Amy said...

Kit Kats help? Awesome. I'm totally getting some. :P

Rachel said...

You got this! I have chronic Drazzieneedsastraightjacket disease! I have several planners and everything is color-coded with tabs! YAY! xoxo

Tina @ The Bandit Girl said...

bwhahahahahahaha! You are so funny! will have a great time...once you get started.