It’s Ten Things Thursday!!! We get to write 10 randompants things that don’t even have to make sense thanks to Miss LauraBelle! Join us!!
1. Little Debbie is a twatface. On the package, she’s some thin, happy, young, sweet little woman and I want to sue her for fake advertising. She should be a 700 pound elephant with heart problems and diabetes syringes in both arms with a word balloon of her saying, “Eat my snack cakes. They’re more addicting than meth! Teehee.” Twatface. Yes. I called her that awful word again.
2. Today the local Dairy Queen in town is having a blizzard sale. That means that each time a blizzard is sold, they will donate $1 to the Children’s Miracle Network. Which in turn means I am REQUIRED to have a blizzard. If I don’t, small children will suffer. I can’t in good conscience be any part of children suffering. Did I mention my workplace is placing the order and hand-delivering the damn things? I mean really – is it humanly possible to not partake in this amazingly charitable event?
3. I got a new planner from Erin Condren. It’s got my name on it and is soooo freaking cool. I have spent hours putting stickers in it for the 18 months it covers. Birthdays, anniversaries, sporting events for my kids, appointments, etc. And this morning? It’s not in my purse. So first I hyperventilate. Then I throw up. Then I realize that the last place I had it was OUTSIDE on the deck. And though we’re in a drought and it hasn’t rained in decades – it rained LAST NIGHT. The night I may have left my expensive, new, personalized planner outside. Once I realized this – I threw up again and then did the ugly cry. Yes people. It is THAT important to me. Yes people. I know that’s cray cray. It is killing me not knowing if it’s in my house or outside. Only 7 more hours before I can go home and check.
4. I hate snakes.
5. I just wrote #4 because it’s only 3 words and after I wrote a book for #3 I didn’t think you could stand another long, drawn out insane story. You’re welcome.
6. Watermelon had a friend over the other night. Rambo asked this girl, “Does your Dad drink beer?” She replied yes. Rambo then said, “What kind does he like to drink?” She said, “I don’t know. A lot.” Haaaa – I bet her dad would be mortified had he heard that. Right after that Banana proclaimed to me that she needed the cat brush ASAP because both cats are shredding. Shredding everywhere. All the time. Shredding.
7. Here’s a little life lesson from me to you: You know that saying “never burn your bridges”? Well – dudes – that’s the truth. A long time ago I used to be a collection agent for SEVEN medical clinics. I was the only one. Now – first of all there is no way one person could ever even begin to put a dent in hunting down the past due patients of seven clinics but I tried. 9 hours a day I was an asshole. It was a requirement. I’m proud to say I wasn’t very good at it. My God – it ranks right up there with the being the guy whose job it is to clean port-a-potties. Who wants to call people all day long and say, “Remember that tragic accident where your left leg and right testicle had to be amputated? Yah well – you forgot to pay for it.” Ugh. Anyway – I worked directly with a collection agency and it turns out that in my part time job for the commission I work for – I’m going to need that collection agency’s services again for people who aren’t paying their bills to me again. Thank God when I left that job I didn’t tell that agency to jump off a building.
8. Seriously. I hate snakes. And people who call farts “pressure”
9. We recently had to ground Watermelon for the first time ever. One day into the grounding, I found out that Watermelon was outside doing something with Rambo and a song came on the radio. Rambo said to Watermelon, “If you can name who sings this song, you will be ungrounded immediately.” She named every singer BUT the one who sings that song. It was Metallica. My, my, isn’t Rambo a hardass? Let’s just say it just about killed him to ground her even though he was all “she needs to learn” and “she’ll know better next time”. His heart is mushy on the inside. He can’t fool me.
10. I hate spiders almost as much as I hate snakes. That and kids who eat their boogers without even trying to hide it. However, I do love the male Olympic swimmers and divers who wear tiny pieces of clothing called Speedos while they dive and swim. On national TV. It feels dirty to watch some of them. I mean - their whole penis outline is showing...almost. You know?
The end. And I apologize to anyone who got through all that. That’s time in your life you’ll never get back. I be sorry. Really sorry.
I’d love to promise to make it up to you with some really great life-altering words in a future post…but I can’t do that cuz chances are that may never happen. I swear. I be really sorry. That's gonna have to be enough.