Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Heifers and hives.

Soooo – you know that I have a couple part-time jobs and that those jobs are for the community Rambo and I live in, right? And because they are community jobs that inevitably means they involve the public, right?

Well, there’s no need to freak out my anxiety-sharing friends…it’s all good because Rambo is employed by 1of the same communities as me and by another community he serves as well. That means that we attend basically every meeting together and we manage the same accounts and people in general. So it’s completely non-hive-inducing and completely bearable because Rambo is always right next to me.

Well, until it’s not. Until I have to call an impromptu meeting for shitloads of people where I have to speak and then hours before that meeting RAMBO GETS FORCED INTO A SECOND SHIFT OF WORK AT THE PRISON.  Translation:  he cannot make the meeting.

Ass hives. That’s all I’ve got to say and all I’ve got…well…on my ass. And entire body if you really wanna know.

I found out about noon – the very same day - that for the big two-village board meeting – I’d be on my own. Drive there alone. Walk in alone. Sit down alone. Present alone. Hyperventilate and poop my pants in fear alone.

Beforehand, I took a gamble and I begged the plant manager to hold my hand through the meeting but he was all like, “Um, my wife wouldn’t appreciate that.” That also might have been followed by “What the hell do you mean that your husband, the Mayor, won’t be here tonight?”

Did I stutter? He ain’t coming dillhole. You need to hold my hand or I swear to you, I will never write you another paycheck as long as you live.

Ugh. I made it through just fine. I definitely had hives. I always get really hot too and my ears felt like they were on fire and at any minute I expected my hair to burst into flames. And I sweat buckets.

But I did it. I did my presentation in 45 minutes flat. Even got a few compliments from some other Mayors. Then got invited to the local bar for a drink with the guys. Just me and a bunch of men having a drink. Without Rambo.

Um yah – no. Let me call a girlfriend first and beg her to come and I’m so there.

My friend came and I laughed and talked and tried really hard not to itch the hives on my ass and ruin my façade. My mom watched my girls while I was gone and before I left she said, “I’m really proud of you for going that alone.”…because she knows how hard it was for me.

I couldn’t say much back because at that point my throat had swollen shut and I was having convulsions now that I was home and had realized what I had just been through. A little instant PTSD was what I had for supper.

And do you know what happened this morning?

My plant manager called me to ask how I thought the meeting went. Then he had the ever-loving balls to say, “I think you were a little nervous last night when you talked. I could hear it in your voice.”

I literally said, “You mother heifer. I told you I was nervous and you’re the crackhead weinerass who wouldn’t hold my hand through it. OMG – I hate you.”

And because he is a man with a penis and no brains – in between his laughter – I heard him say, “I can’t be a heifer cuz I’m a boy.”

Seriously? I mean really? That’s all you got?

Chickenshit afraid of your wife boy is what you are. Wait until Rambo hears how well you filled in for him when he was gone.

If we were professional enough to have an employee file (and not call each other names like heifer) for you – this incident would be written up and put in there.

Does anyone really wonder why I snort Skittles and M&Ms and have a constant Mountain Dew IV drip in my arm?

I thought not.


LDswims said...

You rock!

I'm so very proud of you! And laughing my ass off that you told the plant manager the truth - he sucks!

And I'm proud of your mom, too! I know compliments from her mean the world and she's doing so much with simple words! I hope this trend continues!

Fit Mom said...

Way to go! Proud of you even though you did get hives...

You stuck it out. Baby steps.

And I also love that you told the plant manager the truth. LOL. Too funny.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

whew! made it! Wish I could share my "don't get nervous" gene with you!

Sarah said...

Freakin' hilarious! Way to be a rockstar & go it alone! Who needs balls, anyway? Nobody...


Laura Belle said...

Look at you!!!! All public speaker and shit.

Makes a lady proud!

Good job Sunflower!! No GREAT JOB!

Queen of Mental Vomit said...

Bravo! You know, ToastMasters might help you with nerves of speaking so you can mask it if you ever have to go it alone again.

adorkbl said...

sorry... love his response. bwahaha. ;)

angel shrout said...

OK you are not alone.. let me give you some 411 on me. I love to sing and can do it well. Not like patting my back or anything, just well I can. Like Patsy Cline, I can do her note for note. Anyway, because I can sing everyone wants me to sing, like in church and at homecomings for churchs and bars.. yeah ignore the fact that I said bar and church in the same sentence. Put me on stage, I am a trembling ball of sweat. Like afraid I am going to get electrocuted by a mic, knees trembling hair clinging to me sweat. Even if I close my eyes. Period. So I would have held your hand for ya cause I have been there done that.

trishajo said...

way to get through it girl :)

MandaPanda said...

SO proud of you!

jennxaz said...

VERY proud of you.....I hate that sort of social anxiety picks up and I would have hives too! Good for you NOT DRINKING beforehand lol!

Ronnie said...

Damn, lady. It's awesome that you made it through that on your own. I wouldn't have been able to!