Before I tell you all about my extraordinary weekend, let me first tell you about a bathroom issue I found just a few minutes ago.
Because of Explosive Man and my general fear of public toilets, I usually hold my pee all day and throw resentment and jealousy marbles at all the people who walk by to use the toilet who aren’t afraid of it.
Today, however, since I am all into drinking more water and Explosive Man is gone – I entered the danger zone a bit ago.
Everything went fine except I sat down and looked at my underwear AND a big fat tag staring directly at me. Ugh. My damn underwear are on backwards. How did I not notice that? And now that I know, of course, they feel terrible. Even though I’ve worn them for hours and they felt fine – they no longer do because I now KNOW they are on wrong. But I cannot switch them around. I’d have to take my pants off and there’s no place to put them except on the floor of the bathroom.
I’d rather eat my young and wash them down with battery acid than put anything I own on that floor.
Okay – on to the weekend. Do you remember that this is the weekend I had to bartend for the first time in my entire life?
I did as I said and put on my jean shorts, cowboy boots, tank top and cowboy hat. I pretended I wasn’t scared. I even poured beers without too much foam.
Some guy asked me if I knew how to do beer shooters?
Another asked which of the two beers I was serving tasted better?
One gentleman commented that I looked like a pro at serving beer.
To which I answered the same thing to all of them.
“Dudes – I’ve never bartended nor drank an entire beer in my life so you should go see those other guys in there serving the vodka about any and all alcohol issues you may have.”
There were ice fights and a tip jar fight. My friend and I lost the tip jar fight but I think it’s because the other bartenders were showing their tits. To be fair, their boobs were bigger than ours. Which is kind of sad, considering they were all males.
There was even Rambo who ended up staying all night with me to help carry kegs and garbage and generally help out.
There was family I hadn’t seen in a really long time. A beautiful bride and groom and sunshine amuck…when the rain ended.
I never took a single Xanax. Didn’t even really give it a thought.
I didn’t get a migraine. Not even a teensy headache.
I didn’t even throw up or get hives.
I made it through and bartended my little heart out for 8 straight hours. 350 people talking right to me and looking me in the eyes. Who the hell would have thought, huh?
I took a few breaks…to go eat and grab a water for myself. Once to make sure I got one of the ice cream bars they were handing out. A few times to hug relatives.
But the one break I loved most was when Rambo came out of the crowd from nowhere and took me to the dance floor. They were playing our wedding song and he got a groomsman to fill in for me for that song.
And do you wanna know what I did the next day? I got my tired ass up and went to a bridal shower. More going and more people and more being social.
Are you wondering who the hell I am?
I’m just ME….with a bit less Drazil.
He was always a douche-canoe anyway, don’t you think?