Thursday, August 2, 2012

Ten Things Thursday - Drazzie style!

It’s 10 Things Thursday!! 10 “randompants” things that make absolutely no sense to anyone!

1. Yesterday, Wednesday August 1, 2012, I did not drink a drop of Mountain Dew. I’m not joking. Not one drop. I’m pretty sure the world is going to end today so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Something is definitely wrong. I didn’t even get a headache. What the holy hell?

2. I have the whole day off tomorrow to shop. Alone. I don’t need anything except one day to pretend my only job in life is to wander around aimlessly in stores. My one mission is to find a pair of sunglasses to wear when I bartend. The kind that people can’t see your eyes through…so no one will know who I’m looking or not looking at. So I remain in control. (stop rolling your eyes at me)<< With my sunglasses, I’ll be able to roll my eyes at dumbass drunk people all night and they’ll never know.

3. I have already been asked if I will serve shots from between my boobs. I’ve also already been told by Rambo that “he’d prefer I not do that.” I’d also like the general public to note that these boobs are no longer capable of serving anything up on them. These suckers are getting old. They look best when hidden. Period.

4. I miss Rambo. Bad. If he’s not working at the prison he is getting up at 3am to haul pigs in the semi which means by about 7pm he’s dead tired. It’s so hot that 3 pigs died on the way to the plant and he has to hand drag them out and it’s just plain exhausting getting them all in and out. It feels all kinds of wrong to whine and say to him, “Please stay awake so you can just sit here and hold me because I’m kind of falling apart and I need to suck all your strength juices out of you so I can go on” when the man has no days off and doesn’t get enough sleep. Selfish much?

5. The urge to own my own motorcycle keeps getting stronger in me. I want to feel empowered and in control and feel the wind on my face and know it’s another dream I conquered. Women on motorcycles just exude power and strength in my opinion.

6. I thought I’d feel better after calling CPS (read previous blog) but I don’t. I hung up the phone and I was covered in hives. Ever since I’ve felt sick to my stomach. I know with 100% certainty it was the right thing to do and I’d feel worse if I hadn’t called but calling didn’t magically turn everything into unicorns and Care Bears. Why can’t it be that simple?

7. Being a responsible parent and multi-career woman is sucking the physical life out of me right now. There are not enough hours in a day to physically complete everything I need to complete. Such as prepping for a board meeting in a few days where I have to present some major items to the board…of which I have done nothing yet. Mentally though I am happy – which is straight up odd knowing how stressed I am.

8. I am officially done with my white Kit Kat obsession. Rambo brought home 6 of them a few days ago and 3 remain. He was so giddy about finding them and surprising me that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’m over them. I have no idea what my new favorite is but the days of eating 3 or more full size Kit Kats in a day are done. Prior to Kit Kats it was Milky Ways. I’ll let you know when I figure out my new obsession. Rest assured that I will find it soon.

9. I’m not sure why I agreed to bartend this weekend. One day later and I’m already thinking of excuses like “my entire ass is suddenly covered with boils and my left eye just fell out its socket” so that I can get out of it. Seriously – I don’t know if I can do this. I’m assuming this is one of those events that Xanax was specifically made for. Yes?

10. Yesterday when I got home, Watermelon took it upon herself to give me a play by play of Rambo farting while I was at work. Not even lying – she told me where he was, what he was wearing and HOW it sounded. I screamed, “Did you just try to re-create how your father’s fart sounded?” She is laughing hysterically and saying, “yes mom – he was sitting on the steps so it was not your normal fart sound”. NORMAL fart sound? Holy oxymoron.

Nothing about a fart is normal and never ever do I need to hear about them just because I happened to miss out on them when they happened. Fart backstories should not exist.

She never heard a word I said because she was laughing too hard at that point. Rambo is in the background with his chest puffed out like Tarzan. I’m sure in his head it went something like this: “Me make fart hours ago. Daughter impressed. Wife grossed out. Me super cool and attractive. Me manly man with penis. I make fart again tomorrow.”

Let me also just say that this reminds me that the other day my best friend tried texting me about farting. I immediately stopped her and said “NO WAY are we going to text about farts. I simply cannot do it. Stop it right now or I’ll give you the silent treatment.”

She didn’t listen. The f*cking balls of some people, I tell you.

I made sure that I told Rambo that my best friend was texting me about farts.

He grabbed his phone and texted her something like this: “Unless I can hear you from here, you aren’t bringing the noise!”

What?? What is that? A fart challenge from 100 miles away?? Seriously.

This is my life. I’m the mayor’s wife. It’s a very prestigious role.  Downright glamorous.

You want it?


Tina @ The Bandit Girl said...

lol! My son asked me for my kindle yesterday so that he could identify his latest fart with the fart app he downloaded. boy genius.

Julie Taylor said...

Gah! My daughter thinks farts are just the most hilarious effing things in the world!!

Laura Belle said...

I've missed you. But I'm back. I just caught up on all your posts and you did the right thing. You did. I'm so proud of you.

Love you sunflower!

FitBy40 said...

I'm so glad you made the call. I know the whole situation sucks but you will feel better eventually. I'm interested to know how long it will take to investigate and if you'll hear about it through the grapevine!
BTW, I think I'm the gassiest person in the world and my husband HATES it. After 8 years of marriage, he still goes in the bathroom if he has to 'toot'. Crazy.

angel shrout said...

I totally hear you on the boobs thing. Mine are old too and not made to hold things between. My husband would disagree whole heartedly with my beliefs on that however lol. As a woman in a household full of men I have learned the fine art of farting for retaliation. There is no such thing and southern and genteel in this house, ever..

RockBand Barbie said...

You would die in my house. I am the only girl and to everyone else in the house farting is a form of entertainment. I often think they save it for when I am around just to see my reaction.

Ice Queen said...

You did the absolute right thing by calling CPS. You don't feel good about it because there is nothing to feel good about in that horrid, sad, tragic situation. Let yourself off the hook, love. This is not your fault and you can't take it on yourself. Just pray that TPTB can help those poor children.

Farts. Should. Not. Be. The. Subject. Of. Texts. LOLOL

Ronnie said...

I totally can't fart in front of my guy... and he lets 'em rip at the WORST times. Why can't they turn that shit off every once in a while? lol

trishajo said...


MandaPanda said...

Your fart stories had me rolling at my desk! Thank you for that!

tz said...

hmm fart noises...I live with three boys...need I say more?

Jen said...

Hey now, in my defense I had just eaten two bunches of broccoli and I was scared to death I was going to spontaneously combust in my sleep.
Tell me this isn't funny people - just try: "Pray that the thread count in my sheets are high enough to make it through the night without shredding."

P.S. RoastBroccolilli = no "pressures" :) It was all good!

Lap Band Gal said...

I want me a Kit Kat. Yum.

And a kitten.

in that order.

Happy weekend! :)

becca said...

fart stories are always funny