1. I spent an entire day with my extended family yesterday. Me, Rambo and the girls and my siblings and parents. I’m here blogging…which is to say that I survived the trip. Seriously – I don’t even want to talk about it. Everything was fine. It’s just that trips like this even further cement the fact that we never were, and never will be the Brady Bunch. I don’t even want to be but even a 5 minute glimpse of what that’s like would be kind of cool.
2. I bought an apple yesterday. You should be excited about that. Um, because it just happened to be covered in a layer of caramel, then a layer of pecans, then a layer of chocolate. It was named the “turtle caramel apple”. It should have been named an “apple layered in with orgasms”. I paid $9 for it. $9 for an apple. Straight from the Garden of Eden I swear.
3. I lost weight at my challenge weigh-in yesterday. Obviously – the weigh-in was PRE-apple of ecstasy.
4. I told a woman the other day that I was 15 years older than my sister who is in her 20s. She gasped in shock and then said she would never have guessed I was over 25 myself. Then I humped her leg. And got her another Vodka. I love her. Who cares if she was a little tipsy?
5. Is it wrong that when my girls ask me for 100th time when we are going to go school clothes shopping that I go into a tirade that goes something like this:
Are you going to pay for all these clothes you want? I know you want Nike Shox but first I have to tell you that I used to get my shoes at Kmart. I had to pick any pair under $10.95 or go without. It never mattered how much I cried or threw fits. I wasn’t getting any Nikes. Or new underwear. Or new socks. There was no way in hell I was getting ANOTHER pair of Nike shox just to wear for playing sports. I wasn’t allowed to use pencils. I had to prick my finger and write with my own blood. Wasn’t allowed to pack lunches either. I had to eat the table. I drank glue instead of milk.
Oh shit – wait. I think I went too far. And maybe lied a little. But my God in heaven – there cannot be a child on Earth that understands how much going back to school costs! AND how much more they are getting than I was allowed to get.
I’m jealous of my own kids. Fine. There. I said it. I buy them pretty folders instead of the 10 cent plain ones almost solely to make the little girl inside of me happy. I’m sick. Sick, I tell you.
6. I want to blog for a living. I’m actively recruiting followers who are willing to pay $100 per word. (stop rolling your eyes…a girl can dream
7. Yesterday, in the middle of supper with my family, I suddenly looked at Rambo and said, “Oh, by the way – there is a house next door to Jenny (BFF) that is for sale. Can we move there? Like tomorrow?” And because Rambo was just about as thrilled about our day as I was, his not one hesitation immediate answer was, “Yup. No problem. I’ll start looking for jobs there when we get home.” Okay – then. It’s settled. Jenny – get ready for new neighbors. And no – you are not allowed to put up one of those 30 feet high fences to keep us out. Geez.
8. There are 4 people in my family. Me and Rambo are full grown adults who eat normal amounts of food. My girls are 12 & 7 and they eat…well…pretty much nothing unless it’s macaroni with just butter on it. I got home from work Tuesday night and I kid you not – Rambo had the following on the grill:
An entire bag of chicken breasts – at least 7
An entire package of brats – 12
A ½ package of cheese hot dogs – 5
2 lbs of beef made into burgers – 8
Plus beans, buns, chips, dip, corn and watermelon to go with the above.
We had enough food to feed Ethiopia. MY GOD. That’s a lot of food, huh? I should probably mention that Rambo had just finished bringing home a brand new huge ass beast of a stainless steel grill. It has a damn rotisserie in it. Um – I’ve never rotisserie’d anything in my life. Reedick. I think he was playing the “how much food can this new grill cook at a time” game. A lot, you idiot. A lot.
9. Yesterday my 6 old bought a dog ring. Let me explain it to you. It is a silver ring – you wear on your finger - that has the tiniest dog head on top of it where normally a gemstone would go. A teensy little chihauhua or terrier head. Fur and all. On a ring. On my kid’s hand. I’m going to take a picture of it and show it to you because it’s so damn cute and so damn stupid all at once. Best and worst $3 I ever spent.
10. Rambo and I had a contest with each other yesterday and we didn’t even know it. We were seeing which one of us could say, “Knock it off” or “Would you like to go sit in the car?” to our kids the most times before the trip was over. My kids aren’t even brats – I swear.
I just don’t know how people do weeklong or more vacations all the time – without poking each other’s eyes out and shanking everyone in the car. Honestly. I wonder if anyone in the Brady Bunch carried a concealed shank in their pretty ironed polo shirts. I bet Peter did. He was always a little shifty if you ask me. Or Marcia. Underneath that good girl exterior – Marcia was a badass, don’t you think?