Friday, August 17, 2012

The shit never ends. Literally.

Do you guys remember this post? The one where the little neighbor girl came over to my house and forgot to flush? The same one who uses a half a roll of toilet paper and therefore clogs my toilet?

Wellllll….it seems the poop karma Gods have now attached themselves to my 12 year old. It’s so not funny. But it sorta is. Honestly…at 12….I would have passed out or shanked out my own eyes to not see the horror that my daughter saw yesterday.

So ok – Watermelon was babysitting the neighbor kids. There are three of them and she had a friend helping her.

I get a phone call about mid-afternoon and my kid is screaming, “Oh my God Mom – I almost threw up! I swear. I almost did.”

Shitballs was my first thought. Little did I know that was the entire problem.

She said that the toilet clogged. Then overflowed. Toilet water was all over the bathroom floor.

Now I don’t know about you – but I’m pretty sure I’ve never taught either of my kids how to use a plunger or unplug a toilet. Obviously – I should have. It just never seemed necessary.

I mean, I’m pretty confident that whole tutorial would be 60 times worse than having the “boys need a watering hose to water the woman’s flower to grow a seed” talk. No part of me wants to discuss toilets or clogs with my daughter. Like ever.

Anyway – they found a plunger. They tried to unclog it. God only knows what they did with that plunger having had no instructions on how to use it. It didn’t work – just more water everywhere. (shocker, I know)

And now there are floating turds.

JESUS, JOSEPH AND MARY – it hurts to type the words “floating turds”. God help me to finish this story. I feel like my kid is going to need therapy now.

So they run downstairs to the business where the aunt of the kids works. She isn’t there.
They run across the driveway to where my aunt lives. She isn’t there.
They run across to the other neighbor’s house and knock on the door and the girl and her husband are home. (lucky them, huh?)

Can you imagine? I mean really. Put yourself in this situation. Two FRANTIC little girls knock on your door and breathlessly beg and plead you to come into the neighbor’s house to unclog an overflowing toilet with floating turds and a floor covered in toilet water.

Who in their right mind would agree to such a thing?  I bet the warning bells were going off in her head like firetrucks!  Don't go - don't do it - it's a trap - they are luring you to your death!!!

If I was that girl – I would have slammed the door in their face. And then thrown up. Maybe even called the cops. I simply cannot fathom such a thing.

But the girl has a conscience so she agreed to help my daughter and her friend.

She came over and according to the girls – she had to use TWO plungers – but she fixed the issue.

At this point in the story, I’m saying a silent prayer in my head pleading and begging God to never, ever have anyone show up on my doorstep and ask me to come unclog someone else’s toilet. Can you imagine?

And then there’s more. My kid keeps saying over and over, “Mom – me and my friend only went pee all day. I swear. We only peed. We have no idea who did it.”

I tried to make it better by saying, “Well, they probably just used too much toilet paper again so that’s what clogged it.”

To which she replied, “NO Mom – you don’t understand. There were FLOATING TURDS!!” like she's angry that I refuse the acknowledge the floating turds in this tragedy.

So I then yell in an inappropriately loud, Satan-like tone:

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING FLOATING TURDS? I get it. I do. I just don’t want to discuss anything with you that uses the word floating and turds in the same sentence. CHRIST IN HEAVEN.

She walks away and says, “Oh well, I got paid $20.”

My head screaming commences again, “THAT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR THE HORROR YOU EXPERIENCED TODAY.”

I wasn’t going to tell her about plungers until she was at least 15 (or 90) and now she’s learned on her own. She's growing up so dang fast.

I yelled after her as she skipped away, “Now that you know how to plunge and unclog a toilet without puking….what say we teach you how to clean them so I can add it to your list of weekly chores? Yes?

Okay then.”

Oh and PS – I couldn’t bring myself to do this last night BUT tonight I will either go to the neighbor girl’s house or text her or Facebook her and say,

“Um hi. Thank you for saving my daughter’s life…I mean um…for unclogging the neighbor’s toilet and overlooking the floating turds. I have no idea how you did that without going into convulsions. You’re my hero and their hero. You saved the neighborhood. I bow down before you. And um….are you going to need to pay for YOUR therapy sessions now?”

*sigh* Yah. I’m pretty sure I’m going to text her. I just can’t look another wife and mother in the face and say floating turds and thank you in the same sentence with a straight face.


I told you the shit never ends.  And I meant it.


The Dandy Bandy said...

Oh sweet lord, there's TOO much poop in your life! ha! At least it keeps your blog interesting ;)

jennxaz said...

lol---my five year was introduced to the plunger last year because he always clogs the toilet..but he doesn't have the strength to use fact he clogged it last night and it overflowed...luckily no floating debris---maybe you should get her a $10 starbucks card...that was really nice of her to come over and plunge!!!lol!!!!

LDswims said...


Just ugh.

Love you. Have a good weekend!

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I have a toilet issue. Part of it is that the Roto Rooter guy says we have hard water, which then allows minerals to build up in the holes where the water comes out around the rim and in the trap. This all effects flushing properly. I found this awesome stuff called "The Works" in Dollar Tree that removes the build up (along with the paint on the wall near the toilet, so BE CAREFUL!) with every use. It still doesn't take care of the unusually large turd problem, though.

Robyn's Nest said...

Why does this sort of thing seem like it FOLLOWS you everywhere?????

angel shrout said...

Oh as a woman surrounded by men in a house I can plunge like a pro. Floating turds psshhhttt NOTHING I tell you NOTHING>.I am glad the neighbor helped your daughter though and she seems to be no worse the wear for it all.

Joey said...

Ewwww. She'll be a better person for it.

Ronnie said...

OH MY. I wouldn't have answered the door. Eek! Glad someone was able to help, better her than us.

Joanna said...

Ewww. Yuck. Gross!!


I know. It's probably not to you - but it was to me.

I thank every higher power daily that I have the toilets that stop running water if there is a block. If the toilet gets clogged, the water will only rise so high before it just shuts off. Everyone should have those toilets!! No more toilet water ANYWHERE but IN the toilet.

And whatever those kids are being fed to do so much damage to a toilet is beyond me. If they do this now - what will life be like for them as adults? Wowzers.

Sandy said...

I think you should thank her with a big batch of chocolate chunk cookies!

I will say there are some toilets that just plug constantly--we finally replaced ours years ago. No idea why. But get making those cookies. What she did was above and beyond.