5 grown men and myself – sitting around a table – having a completely professional board meeting with ayes and nayes and motions approved and roll calls and all the normal things you’d expect at a “normal” board meeting.
And then it all went to hell – instantly. I never even saw it coming. So, so shocking.
The Board was discussing new trucks for our plant manager. I was mildly interested which is also to say I was barely listening. 6.0 liter engines and 350 horses under the hood and strobe lights and blah blah blah.
Dare I say I do not give a merry f*ck? Just tell me who to write the check to. Beyond that – I only wanna know what color we are buying.
Just then Rambo says, “Let’s make sure the truck quote has power windows on it.”
And yours truly then made the biggest mistake of the night. I randomly commented, “Why do they even sell vehicles without power windows anymore?”
Then the shitstorm – literally – began.
One of the trustees said, “I know why some people don’t want power windows. It’s because their dogs can be in the car with them and accidentally put their paw on the window lever and the window goes down and you lose your dog!”
Clearly, this man was speaking from experience. It was funny. Ha ha. Let’s all chuckle at the funny dog story, shall we?
Had I known what the follow-up story was going to be, I would have run from the building.
One of the other trustees starts laughing uncontrollably. He mentions a guy’s name from town that we all know. He said:
You guys know Larry Smith, right? Well, he got a new little puppy last year some time and had the puppy in the van with him. The puppy was in the front seat on the passenger side. Larry had stopped real quick at his parent’s house so he left the van running and the puppy inside (run in – run out – less than 60 seconds). On the way back out to the van, Larry sees that the puppy has managed to put his paw on the window lever and the window is starting to go down, down, down.
Pause to resume uncontrollable laughter and inability to get the words out.
Larry starts running toward the van – waving his arms!! Larry is screaming his head off in fear of losing the tiny dog on the busy street he is parked on. “OMG – DO NOT GO OUT THE WINDOW – STOP STOP – OMG – SHIT!!
Apparently the puppy took that last word as a command. Larry scared the shit out of the puppy with his screaming and arm waving. The puppy proceeded to poop – first in the front seat and then in its fear, the puppy ran AROUND the car – from the front to the back in a general circle – pooping fear the whole way. When it gets back to the front seat – then the puppy pukes. Then continues to run in a circle – through it’s poop and puke – in the van – making a lovely mess for Larry.
Are you gagging yet? Comatose? Convulsing? Do you want to run far, far away and sob in a dark corner somewhere?
ALL of the men are nearly on the floor – dying laughing at this story. But they hadn’t heard the kicker. Turns out when the puppy freaked out and began shooting things out of every opening in its body – his paw also hit the LOCK button.
Yup – the puppy locked himself inside the poop and puke-laden van of hell.
Thank God that when the puppy jumped off the window lever it was about 1/3 of the way down. I didn’t ask but I’m guessing Larry and his family were able to get inside the van via that window that was slightly open.
There would have been no point in asking anyone at the meeting. None of the people with penises could talk or barely breathe after such a story. I am 100% sure that every one of them went home and re-told that story to their wives.
Let’s be honest – it’s a story that bears repeating. Even here – in the place where P words are banned.
It is so many horrific things at once that my brain can hardly comprehend it.
How does one even begin cleaning such a mess? Without passing out? I cannot fathom it. The story is just that much worse because we all know Larry well.
Apparently this same puppy had been playing with Larry a week later and got one of his baby teeth nudged and therefore stuck just right in Larry’s nose and Larry pulled back and lost a small chunk of his nose.
The board member relating the story to us said that one week later, the puppy was no longer part of the family. It had been lovingly given to another family.
I still don’t know how things went so wrong. One minute – new trucks and power window options and the next – poop and puke in circles inside a van that people drive.
As soon as the men in the room could breathe properly again, I adjourned the meeting.
I knew damn well at that point that the meeting was over. Plus I needed some time to convulse in private.
I didn't find the story funny. At. All.