Thursday, September 6, 2012

Let's shank all the happy people.

Have I ever mentioned that my Mom and Rambo are VERY alike in their personalities? Sometimes it’s enough to make me want to throw up. It’s so very…um…positive.


Now yes – that is good – most of the time. Other times I think about shanking them just to see if that would crush their rainbow-filled world. I imagine though, that I’d shank one or both of them and they’d say, “Thank you – may I have another?”

I’m exaggerating. Just a little though. They are the kind of people I suppose we all want to be like. They attract a lot of people to them simply based on their personality and outlook. It’s “hard” not to like them. Believe me – I’ve tried.

I mean, yes – I think my Mom and Rambo have bad days but you wouldn’t know it is the thing. You can count the days they are crabby on one hand per year because it’s that rare.

I’ve only seen my mom cry when people died or when her kids are hurt…or when she’s happy. She never had PMS mood-wise ever. She has more inner strength than anyone I’ve ever met next to Rambo. They just deal. And keep smiling.

I’ll never forget the flood and how they reacted to it when everyone else was falling apart. They stayed upright and stayed strong and carried everyone else. I remember people coming up to me and the first words out of their mouths were, “How is your mom? She seems so okay.” And I’d have to admit – she was indeed okay. She had her moments but for the most part she never stopped looking forward. While for me – I think I focused on what was behind us…what we lost…back there in the mud and water.

I actually asked my mom just a few weeks ago, “Mom, what’s the first thing you do or the first person you go to when you’re sad?”

She looked straight at me and said, “I don’t know. I don’t think I ever feel sad and if I do it never lasts long. You know that. You know I’m a lot like Rambo in that way.”

Hmmm, wow. Fine – yes I know – you heifer. (Yes, I really called her that. It’s a funny inside loving joke. Chill out. Put down the pitch forks, please.)

And to think 3 of her 4 children suffer from serious depression and anxiety. It was always so hard to tell Mom what depression felt like because we both knew she’d never felt anything even close to it. Same with Rambo.

What’s my point here? My point is that I need to take some lessons from these two people in my life. Things have been pretty great in my life lately but there are also some really shitty things going on. I have to say I’m even shocking myself in how well I’m holding up. And I swear it’s because of the role models I have.

They are not perfect but at their very core – they are decent.

I doubt either of them will ever realize how much I’d love to have their mental logistics in my screwed up head for just one day. Sometimes their positive way of thinking and doing is so foreign to me…so unattainable to me. But God, I want it. They have the literal definition of peace in their minds on a daily basis….while I feel like I fight daily to find that same peace…but rarely do.

For example, just in daily life I think things like:

Work is hard. Work is too much and yet not challenging enough. I should take more days off instead of banking them. I want my job to be watching Dr. Phil all day and taste-testing new flavors or M&Ms or Skittles for payment daily in 100 dollar bills.

I’d wish every work day away if I could when instead I should follow my mom’s lead in taking passion to work with me. She gives 100% to her patients every single day. She also punches out every day at the right time so as not to get overtime pay….and goes right back into work. Without being paid. Because they are so short on nurses, everything can’t get done unless she does that. No one but her family knows she does it. She does it for the patients only.

Or let’s talk about Rambo. Our kids went back to school this Tuesday. Monday night Rambo said to me, “I’m calling in sick tomorrow. I’ve taken the girls to school every day on their first day and out to breakfast and I’m not going to miss this year’s.” It wasn’t even a question for him.

And maybe I should stop bitching about sitting in my air-conditioned office all day because when I come home I hear that inmates from C block just happened to be walking by inmates from D block and opportunity struck and a fight broke out – right in front of 5 guards.

Or take for instance when I was downright pissy pants when I found out Rambo has to have wrist surgery. He thinks it’s because I’m anal about money and I know this will require some major budgeting since he’ll be off for six weeks. In reality, it’s that I hate Rambo being put under or near a doctor or anything. Part of me hoped he’d say – well then I won’t do it if we can’t afford it. So I emailed him today and said, “Well, to have the surgery, I’d need at least $5000 for the budget and deductible and such.”

To which he replied….”No problem. I’ll run the wheels off the semi and have it for you before surgery. I don’t mind working hard as long as you’re patient with me when I’m tired.”

Who are you? Jesus’s brother? Fricking CareBear of the Year?

Do real people talk like that? Why can’t you be an asshole and rip my head off like I would have done to you had the roles been reversed?

Christ.

I’ve also noticed that people like my Mom and Rambo rarely, if ever, think of themselves. They might – but it’s always AFTER they thought of everyone else. I’m pretty sure I could stand to take a lesson on that too.

Rambo is extreme. I mean he’s anal unselfish. He could go up against Mother Teresa I swear. Ugh…and it makes me feel guilty. Isn’t that reedick? But geez people – I am not capable of being as nice as he is. It must require so much effort. For example:

Last night, Rambo had back to back board meetings. He got home from the prison and had about ½ hour before he had hours of meetings. I was gonna be home all night but I was whining to him that I didn’t want to cook.

Next thing I know he’s out the door to the gas station and has grabbed me my fave frozen pizza AND ice cream AND M&Ms for me to smash up and sprinkle like drops of heaven on to the ice cream.

As if that wasn’t enough, when I got into the car this morning, I turned the key in the engine and the song we played at our wedding began. He had set it that way in the CD player when he went and got me pizza the night before.

Again, I say – what the merry f*ck? How can I compete with such a thing? I don’t understand what I did to deserve this. And it leaves me questioning my worthiness.

Then again – it teaches me too. Like Rambo doing that makes me want to do something nice for someone else. Like I might put secret post-it notes in my kid’s lunch bags. Or it makes me start thinking I should do something nice for Rambo because he turns 40 this year.

I don’t know. I seriously don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m trying to deal with my guilt and undeservedness that keeps bubbling up when Rambo keeps doing nice things for me. I’m trying not to question why and just be grateful. I’m trying to emulate Rambo’s outlook on life when it comes to some things that have dropped me to my knees lately.

I’m trying to say “so what?” more and “this sucks” less. I’m trying to feel worthy more and guilty less. I’m trying to reciprocate and pay it forward in honor of people in my life who do it without even trying.

In a nutshell, I guess I’m realizing that I’m ever-changing and I’m not the best me I can be yet. I’ve got a long way to go but I’ve got great role models to show me the way.

How about you? Do you ever sit and really think about the people in your life that just spew positivity out of every crevice in their body? Or do you just want to shank them?

6 comments:

Kelliann said...

Rambo is indeed amazing. My hubby loves to do nice things for me too, and I always feel guilty, because I feel like I am too whiney and complain-y. Yes, I think complain-y is a word. Anyway, I try to stop being whiney and complain-y, but it's hard. And he keeps being wonderful, and I keep thinking one day he is going to wake up and realize I don't deserve all the good stuff he does for me. Not sure what would happen from there....

Laura Belle said...

I love this. A whole bunch. I wish I was more positive. But i'm working on it. And it's true, the more positive stuff you do for someone else, ends up rubbing off on you, and then your relationship as a whole is more positive and happy.
It's like Smurfs farting sprinkles all over relationships when you're all Positive Polly.

Lets be positive together!

jennxaz said...

Rambo kicks ass in the love department. We could all take lessons from him. My hubby does nice things for me and I actually have to make an effort to try to think of cool things that would make him happy...its definately not 50/50 but considering I was 5/95..I 've improved some....but I don't think you are half bad...you do lots of things for him and your kids all the time----I heart you Draz!

RockBand Barbie said...

Rambo is awesome!

Cheri said...

I think it's great that he inspires you to want to love more/better. I am sure you do the same for him though. :-) I think when you have a couple where you love each other so much, you both feel like you have the best end of the deal. :-)


trishajo said...

I am here to confirm... that Rambo, indeed, is Jesus' long lost brother.

That is all...

;)