IWTHU – I Want To Hug U
IWTSU – I Want To Shank U
- inmate1 at the prison beat up inmate2. The whole thing is caught on tape. Still inmate1 swears it’s not him in the video. To prove that it is, the guards need a DNA swab from inmate1. Inmate1 refuses. Fine. Inmate will now go to court, a judge will give the guards the right to forcibly get a swab from him after he’s been tazed and is laying on the ground drooling. What a dickweed. IWTSU. The last thing I want is Rambo close enough to any inmate who is refusing to be swabbed. How can humans be so dumb? They’re going to get the swab you effing idiot.
- Dear parents of little girl up the street – you’ve exhausted every single other parent on our street this week. With the amount of time I wasted talking to cops, neighbors, other parents, guidance counselors and principals this week – I could have built a second Rome. Useless. All of it. IWTSU. Like so much.
- Though my 12 year old can be the sweetest thing on Earth sometimes – I’m here to tell you she’s no perfect angel. She went from being on a huge high because she won the volleyball game with her last 5 serves to an all out drama filled crying tantrum in front of my mom and sister because her coach suddenly asked her to line judge. I put on my Mom pants and said things like, “Check your attitude. Suck it up. We’re not asking you to do manual labor. Sometimes in life we gotta do things we don’t want to do. It’s an hour. Get over it.” It was like an out of body experience seeing myself say “Mom things” I’m pretty sure I swore I’d never say. IWTHU and IWTSU Watermelon. You frustrate me so.
- To the woman I have to work with in so many departments and on so many different projects – IWTSU – with the sharpest shank out there. You frustrate me on soooo many levels that when I look at you I’m afraid fire will shoot out of my eyes. Knowing that a bazillion other people feel this same way – just makes it worse. I can’t understand humans like you. And yes, I’m fully aware the feeling is mutual. Still. I hope you wake up with a large boil on your left ass cheek so you have to sit lopsided so people think you are always preparing to rip a fart.
- Rambo – IWTHU. For being a silly man with a penis who can think of nothing else but dessert….which makes me laugh when I need to laugh. This morning by 7am I had this email convo with Rambo:
R: I’m going to need some good dessert tonight.
Me: No. You already had some last night. You don’t get anymore. We both have colds still.
R: I need some every day. We’ve been slacking off. Being sick is no excuse.
Me: Hmm. When did this become a requirement?
R: It was supposed to be that way every day since we got married. Did you forget?
Me: That wasn’t in the vows.
R: I know that. It was an agreement between you and me. We need to get back at it.
Me: I don’t recall that agreement. You must have imagined it.
I haven’t heard back from him. Which means I win. Thank you very much.
- Rain, dark skies, thunder – IWTHU. You are perfect for napping.
- Person who invented tiny little blue skull nail tattoos – IWTHU. I mean really? Little, pretty skulls on my nails? Double hugs for you.
- My newest obsession? UGG boots. I want many, many pairs. To the maker of UGGs – IWTHU – for making such beautiful boots (see the freaking STRIPED ones below). To the maker of UGGs – IWTSU – for making them so damn expensive.
- Friday – IWTHU – and never let go. This ranks right up there with one of the most exhaustive parenting weeks of my life and I’m soooo over it.
- Person who scheduled me to interview a guy today – on a Friday. Um – my hair is in a pony and I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Cuz it’s Friday. This guy may go from wanting a job here to running from the building in horror when he sees me. IWTSU. Geez.
The end. Now tell me who you’ve wanted to hug and shank this week!