I guess I’m making up for yesterday when I didn’t post….you lucky little readers. (gag)
Ima following the Triple T movement….cuz LauraBelle is my hot dog and I love her like an Oscar Mayer one with cheese in the middle.
1. I found out this week that my youngest child is indeed mine. I’ve often wondered since she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about shoes or purses or things that shine. But alas – now I know for sure she came from my loins. Her teacher sent home some questions to fill out about herself so the teacher could get to know her better. One question was: What is your absolute most favorite thing to do? I asked Banana this and her one word answer made my heart grow 16 times. She simply said, “Nap.” Bless her little heart. That’s exactly what I would have said.
2. I’m wearing my super long luscious hair extensions today in an effort to distract anyone who sees me from realizing how big my ass is getting. Note to self: Get on the f*cking treadmill.
3. I think weird things sometimes. Like the other night, I took a bath for no other reason than to feel better mentally. Then I got to thinking – how the hell does water accomplish that? I mean why does water instantly – even the sound of it – make me feel like I’m about to dive head first into a tub of peace and Skittles? Then I figured it out – to myself. Naked – standing in the bathroom. Duh.
It stems back to before I was even born. The first 9 months of my life I lived in water inside my mother. Back then I didn’t even have to breathe for myself. Ever since I’ve been born I’ve been trying to get back to that place where my mother takes care of everything - via millions of baths.
4. On the first day of Watermelon’s volleyball practice – I called her coach a CeeUNextTuesday. Yes, the dreaded C word that no woman should ever speak from her lips much less call another woman it. But I did. (Oh fine. I did it in my head.)
5. I’m obsessed lately with matching jogging pant sets. And no – they cannot be plain Jane Fruit of the Loom or Hanes basic solid color ones. Nope. I’m looking at the Victoria Secrets boyfriend or campus pants with the matching hoodies that say stuff like “I’m no angel” on the back…in shimmery colored writing and neon colors for the base. I am also only looking at VS outfits because for me – VS runs extremely big. Like I have 5 pairs currently and they were all Smalls or Mediums. What the what? Apparently in VS world, size Small = large or extra large in real life. They deserve my patronage for that. They are the only pieces of clothing that I’ve been able to buy in size Small since I was 10 years old.
6. We have a family wedding coming up in about 3 weeks. Last weekend, I helped my sister and mom pick out their dresses and accessories for - I swear – about 3 hours. I told them I just don’t care what I wear that day and I’ll figure it out then. Apparently, I’m a liar. Cuz today I ordered 6 dresses and am going dress shopping tomorrow for said wedding. Yah, turns out I care. F*ck a duck and call it Larry.
7. I have recently become obsessed with big, huge, over-sized, crème, thick cable knit sweaters. I am watching about 16 of them on Ebay. I have decided to quit being pissed that summer is over and embrace fall…by buying fall sweaters. Makes total sense, doesn’t it?
8. This whole list of 10 things is getting way too long-winded. Let’s move to #9 and end this thing already.
9. I have a serious addiction to crack…I mean carbs and sugar. Case in point: For breakfast I had a long john donut and a pop tart. Washed down with Mt. Dew. For lunch I had 5 cinnamon breadsticks. More Mt. Dew. This afternoon I’m having ice cream. And for supper? Rambo is making spaghetti with cheese bread. I need rehab – stat. Okay, that’s it for me. They never taught us what comes after #9 in Podunk.