Tuesday, September 4, 2012

What do you want from me?

If there were two of me – this is what I’d ask myself. When I’m working towards a goal, my life path seems clear and bright. When the answer to the question is “I don’t know”…things seem fuzzy, blurry and unclear.

A long time ago when vision boards were all the rage, I made one. In fact, we have a “family” vision board. The two girls and even Rambo are part of the vision board. It hangs in the office so we walk by it each day.

There are months when no one seems to notice it. Lately though? BOTH my girls have randomly noticed it and made comments about it. It's like the Universe is telling me it's time to re-do the vision board.

Many of the things on the vision board have come true and new goals need to be made and set and dreamed of. Some of the items on the board never came true. Like when Banana made her board – she was 3 and her biggest dream in life was to meet Barney, the big purple dinosaur. I’m pretty sure Barney is dead now, right? If he’s not, he should be.

I’ve never had any trouble filling my vision board. I’m a dreamer by nature but for once in my life, I do not know what to put on my vision board.

What’s even more frightening is that some things on my vision board now have to come down – and stay down – because they are no longer the dreams I thought they were. For example – I’ve always dreamed of being a writer. I’ve written since I could pick up a pen and it’s a fact that before I speak out loud about the deepest parts of my soul – I write about them.

Paper and pen have never left me. Never walked out on me. Never made me cry. Never told me I was stupid for feeling what I felt. Never laughed at me or pointed. Never did anything except graciously accept whatever my pen chose to write. Paper and pen have been my only real constant.

I tried hard for a while to get published. Recently, I was even accepted to freelance write for money…but I haven’t written a single word. Farting gumdrops and books titled, “My days in CareBear Land” just seem inappropriate to submit. I’ve looked, perused assignments and even found good fits. But words won’t come.

The ultimate goal was in my hands. Getting paid for doing what I love, right?

It’s time to say it out loud and admit that I’m not a writer. I’m just not. The ONLY thing that flows from my pen are my feelings. Nothing else. If you *tell* me what to write about – then the passion is gone. If you give me a major deadline – it feels like a job. Making writing a job makes it not mine anymore in some way. It becomes writing FOR someone else instead of cleansing my soul for ME.

So that dream is done. A dream I carried for nearly 30 years. I had the chance to make it come true and I chose not to. I could force it, but I don’t want to.

It’s just something I never, ever thought I’d let go of voluntarily. I feel like I should have a funeral of some sort to lay that dream to rest. It’s something I always thought would be on my vision board….and now I’m taking it off.

Which leaves a blank space on my vision board. A big, open space. To fill up with a new dream or dreams.

Sure, I’m going to carry some over like “Own and ride my own pink or teal Harley” or “Have a spa-like bathroom retreat in my home”…but those are just “thing” dreams. They don’t matter in the grand scheme of life.

They’re part of my vision but they aren’t part of my core, you know? Tell me I’ll never have a spa tub in my home and I’ll say, “Okay. No problem.” I can take it or leave it.

Mizfit did a post today about re-doing her vision board which was the nudge I needed to take mine down, admit that some of it has been altered and make new dreams.

Do you have a vision board? Do you do the virtual vision board called Pinterest?

For me, I have a real cork board. I cut out shapes and quotes and words and use pushpins and markers and crayons. I go back to my kindergarten roots. There’s something about making something with your hands – about yourself. I need to be able to see it and feel it and touch it. Every day.

I find myself nervous this time though. I don’t know what’s going to end up on my board. I swear I don’t. That’s a place and a feeling that I’ve never experienced before. For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what my dreams and hopes and wishes are.

Since I last made my vision board – I’ve become a whole different person. In every single way. I am only a tiny part of the woman who first made that board. Not a whole lot of her remains.

And no – I have no idea if that’s good or bad – it just is.

I know that just a few years ago if I had asked myself “what do you want from me?” – there would have been no hesitation. I would have said: I want to become a writer. I want “writer” to be part of my label and my identity.

Now? That is over. I’m letting go of that dream because my heart isn’t in it. It feels almost like a betrayal of the old me but in a way, it’s damn freeing too.

It creates blank, open space.

Just waiting for a dream to fill it.

What the hell is the new dream? When and how will I know?

I simply do not know. And while that sucks as a feeling…I’m hoping it’s all part of realizing the new dream….because just like there’s a new empty spot on my vision board….

…there is now also one in my heart.

….just waiting……

…for the new dream……….

How about you? Ever put your “dreams” into words, images and cut outs? Would you be able to fill a board? Would it be easy or hard to voice and create?  Do you believe in vision boards?

Maybe I’ll take a picture of my new vision board when I’m done….care to share yours? Maybe we should pick a day in the future and on that day we can all share our vision boards and discuss them. Whaddya think?


Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Pinterest. That's where my vision board is, filled with a bucket list, places I want to go, recipes I want to try and hot celebrities I'd do.

Carbie Girl said...

Holy crap if any sides of me ever threw these questions out amongst themselves it would send my brain into a fit of anxiety... straight up loco! Thats just me though. I think I'm too cynical for vision boards.. I love the arts and crafts in the actual making of it.. but after all is said and done I like the freedom of saying my dreams can change on a day to day basis if I want them to. You would think THAT would drive me crazy but its quite comforting instead lol

Laura Belle said...

I like this. I like this a lot. I'd say that pintrest is my vision board, but lets be honest, boards with different types of mixed drinks and boards that have an overload of chocolate desert recipes aren't really 'vision' material.

But I like the idea of a cork board that I can actually 'feel'. I think I shall do this. Project for this week!!!

complex14 said...

no vision board here cuz i change my mind so often and i lack discipline n follow through =( i do have one hell of a long to do list though ;-)

jennxaz said...

No I don't have a vision board...probably should, yes my vision has changed..probably changed the biggest when I had my child. I like that you did it with the family.

angel shrout said...

Sweetie just because you could not write under pressure does not negate the fact that you are a writer. Period. It takes guts to stand and realize that what you dream of being you already are, your words reach people, touch people and move them to do something. Therefore you are a writer. http://singedwingangelspad.com

MandaPanda said...

I've never done a vision board and I'm not really much of a dreamer. I have a hard time putting my goals into focus and I can't remember the last time I really thought about what I wanted out of life. Isn't that sad?

Cat said...

Wow, what an amazing post. Such a brain bender to think about. I get what you mean about your vision board being more than just a wish list of Stuff. I can do that on Amazon and Pinterest etc.

I think a thing that was huge to me for so many years was learning to play piano. I am taking that off my mental vision board similar to you taking off writing. Piano has been part of me since I was a child. I could never afford lessons or an instrument so one of the things I bought myself just 3 or 4 years ago was a piano and began taking lessons. It was alot like work too much so. I also really don't believe I have a chance even with a ton of practice to ever be really good at it, and that's what I wanted. So I finally decided to take that dream down and I understand completely what you mean about it being sad, but a bit of relief at the same time.

Thanks for sharing this, I really need to think about what my true visions for myself and my life are, beyond just the "wish list of stuff". : )

Fit Mom said...

no actual vision board. Just Pinterest where I can collect what I like, what I want, goals to have etc where it doesnt take up wall space. LOL. Every once in a while, I go back in and clean the boards up as my interests change.

RockBand Barbie said...

I actually made a "vision book" way before I had ever heard of a vision board. I think it was around 1995 and I had a group of students make a dream book, and I made one too. We used construction paper, magazines, and glue. I actually came across it about 2 months ago while looking for something else. I would say about half of my book was now a reality :)

Butterfly said...

I never had a vision board until Pinterest, and then it's just something I find fun and amuzing....finding things that I would love to have....or places to go....or ideas for my next party.

The writing thing I share with you though. Ever since my brother died I have had major emotions and life obstacles. Pen and paper are the only things that have allowed me to get through some of those things. I shared this with my Aunt who has encouraged me to follow through and write my book, so I started...and who knows where it will go, if anyone will want to read it, or even if it gets published! The point is, that it's mine, and I can look back and see where I was, how far I have come, and what an amazing person life has made me! I love reading your stuff, don't stop writing, and getting paid for being YOU could be a good thing :)

Cheri said...

I think you have realized the dream of being a writer, whether or not you write with deadlines and for pay.

I think it's exciting that you feel there is room for more dreams on your vision board though!

speck said...

Self realization is a powerful thing. I think you did just that.

However, I don't think you have to have a funeral about it. Instead, celebrate that you tapped into something that gave you answers.

It's kinda like my daughter. Her passion since she was 5 years old was the Atlanta Braves. Yes, the Atlanta Braves. She wants to be part of the organization so bad.(and it's still possible) But I told her recently, "maybe your profession doesn't have to be the Atlanta Braves but your hobby to enjoy."

Thanks for sharing.

InWeighOverMyHead said...

You know, I love this post. Gives me motivation to fill up my board with NEW dreams. Thanks Draz. :)

LDswims said...

I want to see your new vision board. I want to know where your dreams want to go and how full your heart will be.

I think you should add a reality section to the board. It might surprise you with how beyond full it already is and might show you dreams you didn't know you had. Does that make sense?

Love you. And I'd love to do this with you. I've always just left it in my head...

Beth Ann said...

I'm sure 100 people have already told you this, but you, my dear, ARE a writer. You may not have become the kind of writer you initially imagined. But you most certainly are a writer!