If there were two of me – this is what I’d ask myself. When I’m working towards a goal, my life path seems clear and bright. When the answer to the question is “I don’t know”…things seem fuzzy, blurry and unclear.
A long time ago when vision boards were all the rage, I made one. In fact, we have a “family” vision board. The two girls and even Rambo are part of the vision board. It hangs in the office so we walk by it each day.
There are months when no one seems to notice it. Lately though? BOTH my girls have randomly noticed it and made comments about it. It's like the Universe is telling me it's time to re-do the vision board.
Many of the things on the vision board have come true and new goals need to be made and set and dreamed of. Some of the items on the board never came true. Like when Banana made her board – she was 3 and her biggest dream in life was to meet Barney, the big purple dinosaur. I’m pretty sure Barney is dead now, right?
I’ve never had any trouble filling my vision board. I’m a dreamer by nature but for once in my life, I do not know what to put on my vision board.
What’s even more frightening is that some things on my vision board now have to come down – and stay down – because they are no longer the dreams I thought they were. For example – I’ve always dreamed of being a writer. I’ve written since I could pick up a pen and it’s a fact that before I speak out loud about the deepest parts of my soul – I write about them.
Paper and pen have never left me. Never walked out on me. Never made me cry. Never told me I was stupid for feeling what I felt. Never laughed at me or pointed. Never did anything except graciously accept whatever my pen chose to write. Paper and pen have been my only real constant.
I tried hard for a while to get published. Recently, I was even accepted to freelance write for money…but I haven’t written a single word. Farting gumdrops and books titled, “My days in CareBear Land” just seem inappropriate to submit. I’ve looked, perused assignments and even found good fits. But words won’t come.
The ultimate goal was in my hands. Getting paid for doing what I love, right?
It’s time to say it out loud and admit that I’m not a writer. I’m just not. The ONLY thing that flows from my pen are my feelings. Nothing else. If you *tell* me what to write about – then the passion is gone. If you give me a major deadline – it feels like a job. Making writing a job makes it not mine anymore in some way. It becomes writing FOR someone else instead of cleansing my soul for ME.
So that dream is done. A dream I carried for nearly 30 years. I had the chance to make it come true and I chose not to. I could force it, but I don’t want to.
It’s just something I never, ever thought I’d let go of voluntarily. I feel like I should have a funeral of some sort to lay that dream to rest. It’s something I always thought would be on my vision board….and now I’m taking it off.
Which leaves a blank space on my vision board. A big, open space. To fill up with a new dream or dreams.
Sure, I’m going to carry some over like “Own and ride my own pink or teal Harley” or “Have a spa-like bathroom retreat in my home”…but those are just “thing” dreams. They don’t matter in the grand scheme of life.
They’re part of my vision but they aren’t part of my core, you know? Tell me I’ll never have a spa tub in my home and I’ll say, “Okay. No problem.” I can take it or leave it.
Mizfit did a post today about re-doing her vision board which was the nudge I needed to take mine down, admit that some of it has been altered and make new dreams.
Do you have a vision board? Do you do the virtual vision board called Pinterest?
For me, I have a real cork board. I cut out shapes and quotes and words and use pushpins and markers and crayons. I go back to my kindergarten roots. There’s something about making something with your hands – about yourself. I need to be able to see it and feel it and touch it. Every day.
I find myself nervous this time though. I don’t know what’s going to end up on my board. I swear I don’t. That’s a place and a feeling that I’ve never experienced before. For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what my dreams and hopes and wishes are.
Since I last made my vision board – I’ve become a whole different person. In every single way. I am only a tiny part of the woman who first made that board. Not a whole lot of her remains.
And no – I have no idea if that’s good or bad – it just is.
I know that just a few years ago if I had asked myself “what do you want from me?” – there would have been no hesitation. I would have said: I want to become a writer. I want “writer” to be part of my label and my identity.
Now? That is over. I’m letting go of that dream because my heart isn’t in it. It feels almost like a betrayal of the old me but in a way, it’s damn freeing too.
It creates blank, open space.
Just waiting for a dream to fill it.
What the hell is the new dream? When and how will I know?
I simply do not know. And while that sucks as a feeling…I’m hoping it’s all part of realizing the new dream….because just like there’s a new empty spot on my vision board….
…there is now also one in my heart.
…for the new dream……….
How about you? Ever put your “dreams” into words, images and cut outs? Would you be able to fill a board? Would it be easy or hard to voice and create? Do you believe in vision boards?
Maybe I’ll take a picture of my new vision board when I’m done….care to share yours? Maybe we should pick a day in the future and on that day we can all share our vision boards and discuss them. Whaddya think?