Had my large butt been in a pew and my small mind also been in attendance…my prayers would have went something like this:
Dear God…when my mom finds out that I didn’t sign my kids up for religious education classes, please let her screams of horror not wake the dead. Help her to understand it’s my choice and they’re my kids. Please don’t let her be disappointed in me.
Thank you God…for Banana getting on the bus to school tear-free at least one day last week. That whole “go to school or mommy and daddy will go to jail” thing must have worked. Thank you for not striking me down with lightening for using such extreme measures.
Thank you God…for giving Rambo an unexpected day off that was pure paradise. Just thank you. Now I remember what he looks like. He’s pretty cute, don’t you think?
Please God…kill all the box elder bugs in Podunk. I know they are all your creatures but damn – they’re annoying as Satan. You feel me? I mean they cover our doors and windows and they fly around like they own the place. Ack.
Please God…when Banana starts sobbing uncontrollably about going to school all of next week – give me the patience of St. Peter or even Mary if you want. Help me not to smack her. Or pass out in frustration. Or sell her to the highest bidder. I really do love her. I swear.
Thank you God…for old friends who Rambo and I haven’t seen in months but can sit down and talk to in a restaurant for more than 4 hours with. Those kind of people make life okay.
Dear God...please help me in my quest to pretend that M&Ms are poisonous so that I don’t eat 8 bags of them next week.
Praise Jesus…for our high school football team that scored 55 points to the other team’s 0 BEFORE half-time. By beating the other team so badly, we didn’t feel bad leaving early to go eat pizza.
Dear God…please forgive me…for being so human sometimes. I try to be more like your son Jesus every day but sometimes I really suck at it. I felt more like Satan’s cousin most of this last week but I swear next week, I’ll be better. Please don’t give up on me.
Dear God…keep my friends and family safe, happy and healthy one more week. And I swear that I’ll try to make it to church next Sunday. Pinky promise. Oh and PS…you rock!