You know those cute southern names like Bobby Jo and Mary Sue or Susie Ray? Well….this weekend for one day I changed my name to Martha Betty….which is a combination of Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker. And yes – I’m quite aware that Martha Betty doesn’t roll off the tongue like Maggie May but you’re just gonna have to get over that and get on board with it.
Work with me here, okay?
It’s all Rambo’s fault anyway (as usual). He is still working his ass off but still managing to bring me home ginormous bags of M&Ms and I feel really guilty and grateful so I went into super-wife mode.
I did 4 loads of laundry this weekend. That’d be four more than I’ve done in say…um…well quite some time. At one point when Rambo finally came home, I swallowed my pride and outright asked him which dryer setting I was supposed to be using instead of continuing to guess. I got the whole “be sure to clean out the lint trap” lecture. Geez – he acts like I’ve never done this before.
I’d like to note that I even folded the towels this weekend. Let’s not talk about how I couldn’t manage to walk 5 feet to the towel cupboard and put them away and about how they are still sitting on the top of the dryer. Let’s focus on how they are in pretty, folded piles, mkay?
Then? I cooked a freaking ham people. Like put in a pan with a lid into the oven for a long period of time kind of ham. Like you’d think it was Thanksgiving ham.
With said ham, I then proceeded to cut up real potatoes from the ground instead of getting them out of a bag in the freezer, and made scalloped potatoes and ham. Because I love Rambo so much – I even held my breath while I cut up a huge onion to put in the crockpot since he loves onions. Me? Blech. Can’t stand ‘em. But I’m telling you – my love runs deep.
For good measure, I made chocolate chip muffins for my kids.
For just a second, I felt like June Cleaver, you know? I was seriously contemplating putting on an apron for about a minute until I came back to my senses and realized the only apron
I have didn't go with the outfit I had on.
After that I went downstairs and got out the Halloween totes. I decorated our front porch with scary shit and then decorated our entire fireplace with green, orange and purple lights and pumpkins and sunflower garland and a bunch of other fun shit like that. I even got out a mini Cmas tree and decorated it with orange tinsel and pumpkins for ornaments.
Eat your heart out Martha Stewart.
Your underwear might match your toe nail polish but do you have a
green fluorescent pumpkin on your fireplace?
I think not.
I’m not even done. Rambo is a huge TV addict.
He can come home from a 20 hour day and be dead on his feet and if he sits down and finds a gory horror movie on – he’ll stay up to watch it. He has a knack for finding thee absolute dumbest, bloodiest, most violent, most ridiculous plotted movie out of hundreds of channels. He is a freak. He constantly watches insane movies and constantly buys the dumb things on DVD.
So I decided to sign up for Netflix. It’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done because now I’ll never get his attention ever again but I couldn’t help it. He was working a double shift at the prison and I felt a moment of guilt and hit the BUY button.
Honestly – after all that – are you ready to give me the Wife of the Year award?
Wait, don’t answer that yet.
I forgot to tell you that I even read two books to my kid last night.
And I managed not to lock her in a closet.
Does that sway you in the right direction?
Now you wanna give me the award AND a tiara, right?