Monday, October 8, 2012

Just hand me the tiara.

You know those cute southern names like Bobby Jo and Mary Sue or Susie Ray? Well….this weekend for one day I changed my name to Martha Betty….which is a combination of Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker. And yes – I’m quite aware that Martha Betty doesn’t roll off the tongue like Maggie May but you’re just gonna have to get over that and get on board with it.

Work with me here, okay?

It’s all Rambo’s fault anyway (as usual). He is still working his ass off but still managing to bring me home ginormous bags of M&Ms and I feel really guilty and grateful so I went into super-wife mode.

Get this.

I did 4 loads of laundry this weekend. That’d be four more than I’ve done in say…um…well quite some time. At one point when Rambo finally came home, I swallowed my pride and outright asked him which dryer setting I was supposed to be using instead of continuing to guess. I got the whole “be sure to clean out the lint trap” lecture. Geez – he acts like I’ve never done this before.
I’d like to note that I even folded the towels this weekend. Let’s not talk about how I couldn’t manage to walk 5 feet to the towel cupboard and put them away and about how they are still sitting on the top of the dryer. Let’s focus on how they are in pretty, folded piles, mkay?

Then? I cooked a freaking ham people. Like put in a pan with a lid into the oven for a long period of time kind of ham. Like you’d think it was Thanksgiving ham.

With said ham, I then proceeded to cut up real potatoes from the ground instead of getting them out of a bag in the freezer, and made scalloped potatoes and ham. Because I love Rambo so much – I even held my breath while I cut up a huge onion to put in the crockpot since he loves onions. Me? Blech. Can’t stand ‘em. But I’m telling you – my love runs deep.

For good measure, I made chocolate chip muffins for my kids.
For just a second, I felt like June Cleaver, you know?  I was seriously contemplating putting on an apron for about a minute until I came back to my senses and realized the only apron
I have didn't go with the outfit I had on.

After that I went downstairs and got out the Halloween totes. I decorated our front porch with scary shit and then decorated our entire fireplace with green, orange and purple lights and pumpkins and sunflower garland and a bunch of other fun shit like that. I even got out a mini Cmas tree and decorated it with orange tinsel and pumpkins for ornaments.

Eat your heart out Martha Stewart.
Your underwear might match your toe nail polish but do you have a
green fluorescent pumpkin on your fireplace?
I think not.

I’m not even done. Rambo is a huge TV addict.
He can come home from a 20 hour day and be dead on his feet and if he sits down and finds a gory horror movie on – he’ll stay up to watch it. He has a knack for finding thee absolute dumbest, bloodiest, most violent, most ridiculous plotted movie out of hundreds of channels. He is a freak. He constantly watches insane movies and constantly buys the dumb things on DVD.

So I decided to sign up for Netflix. It’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done because now I’ll never get his attention ever again but I couldn’t help it. He was working a double shift at the prison and I felt a moment of guilt and hit the BUY button.

Honestly – after all that – are you ready to give me the Wife of the Year award?
Wait, don’t answer that yet.

I forgot to tell you that I even read two books to my kid last night.
And I managed not to lock her in a closet.

Does that sway you in the right direction?
Now you wanna give me the award AND a tiara, right?

16 comments:

The Dandy Bandy said...

Your family probably thinks:

1.) the pod people took you over

2.) the aliens abducted you and brainwashed you.

3.)the real you was kidnapped and a robot you was put in your place so they will never know

4.)You've lost your shit and it's time to call the whitecoats!!

A.J. said...

I don't know about you but I always feel like a total badass when I accomplish major feats of domestic goddess-ness!!!

Miss S. said...

Ah-you are indeed Martha Betty! I just mailed your crown...it's made of red vines & M&M's. Mwuah!

Fit Mom said...

First- you are awesome. I hate laundry with a passion so I would say a huge leap to you.

Second- If he likes scary movies, have him check out "Dale and Tucker vs Evil" on Netflix. That is, if he hasnt already. It is actually pretty funny. I loved it and I am not a scary movie person. It is sort of the same fun/gore movie like Zombieland.

Way to go. Sounds like it was a very productive weekend!!

RockBand Barbie said...

Now you're gonna make me feel like total doody if I don't clean the house, do the laundry, and cook lots of yummy baked goods. I am fall break break...I was just gonna lay in the bed and catch up on my DVR.

Sarah G said...

You go, Martha Betty!!

jennxaz said...

fine you over-achiever...now I feel like the worst mom/wife EVeh! lol! great job!

Jen said...

Love it.. although I'm pretty sure Martha Betty would not refer to her decorations as: "I decorated our front porch with scary shit..."!!!!

Now I feel like I did nothing and I know I did SOMETHING!!

bbubblyb said...

You made me smile, yes you deserve a tiara :) I'm not giving you mine though lol.

FitBy40 said...

I have to go send you my tiara because the laundry is waiting for me right now while I'm reading blogs!
You rock.
how did the ham turn out?

Miesha Roshawn said...

Wow you deserve more than a tiara!!

Sarah said...

OK, I realise this is not the point of this post but is Betty Crocker a real person? I thought it was just a packet mix brand like Aunt Bessie and the Yorkshire Puddings.

Very productive. I would send you a tiara but customs might seize it and give it to someone less deserving :o) xx

Robyn's Nest said...

I would say that Martha Betty works for you today!! I assume you want a teal blue tiara??

Carla Birnberg said...

LAUGHED OUT LOUD.
which makes me willing to share my tiana :-)

Miz.

Joanna said...

Wow - that's awesome!! Now, I must make a point of making sure Hubby NEVER finds your blog!! I can't have him thinking that stuff like this would be possible for me. :)

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Don't strain yourself patting yourself on the back! LOL! Did you go and make a list of all that and then cross it all off? That's what I would have done!!! (If I got Netflix I'd never make it off the couch!)