Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I'm on a diet. The only thing I can eat is air.

Last weekend my mom hosted an early Christmas for her side of the family.
Roughly 50 people.

Half of which are anorexic women. Women who apparently only eat air. Or celery.

I showed up in my size 10 jeans (yes – shut up – my f*cking 8’s didn’t fit – shocker!)
and I was THEE BIGGEST GIRL THERE.

Helllllooooo??? Oh wait – what? Is this the slap in the face my chubby cheeks need?

I guess so because the last two days I have worked out and let me just say – Mama hasn’t worked out in quite a while. Obviously.

How do these women do it? I mean honestly. I didn’t even know they made size negative 3 jeans but my cousin seems to have found a pair. I had no idea my Aunt has to shop in the JUNIOR section because everything in the women’s section is too big for her.

I KID YOU NOT – this Aunt weighs 85 pounds. She is only 5 feet tall but come the f*ck on! I can - NO LIE - hand down my 12 year old’s clothing to her. Holy mother of God. She’s the size of my 12 year old with the head of a 60 year old. Eeesh.

My other cousin said she’s just too busy and stressed to eat. Shitbuckets. I’m so busy and stressed SO I eat. I mean she only has ONE kid and ONE job. What the holy hell am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be so stressed with 2 kids and 3 jobs that I forget to eat?

Never, ever, ever have I forgotten to eat. Like ever.

I might forget to sleep. Or shave. Or comb my hair. But eat?

Nope.

As I was getting my SECOND piece of cheesecake from the dessert table, my other waif of a cousin came over to get her dessert too. I swear to you that she never even saw the desserts right under her nose. There had to be 10 pie and cake and brownie dishes laid out but do you know what she said to me?

“Oh my gosh, don’t these almonds look delicious??”….as she grabbed a handful and NEVER TOOK A DAMN PIECE OF ANY CAKE OR COOKIE OR PIE.

Is she blind? Or walking around dead? Does she not have taste buds? Is she human?

Nope.

She’s just a size zero.

I’m so over this.

I kicked my diet into high gear and like I said – have worked out both Mon and Tues and plan to work out tonight too. I have my spreadsheets and game plans ready. Would you believe that yesterday not a single piece of chocolate touched my lips? (pause for the audible gasps I know you’ll be making after reading that.)

Let someone else in their size 10s be the biggest girl in the room. I’m so done with that role.
I refuse to be that woman.

It was a wonderful holiday gathering by the way.
Even though I hate every single one of them with their collar bones and cheek bones clearly visible.

For the record, air doesn’t taste good and it doesn’t fill me up.
 I’m gonna have to add celery to my menu.

Merry f*cking Christmas!

17 comments:

Kelliann said...

Damn. I would love to be a size 10! LOL
I'm going to the gym after work today too - it will be like working out together, only, not quite. :-)

LegalMommy said...

Holy Hell. A size 10 is a dream for me. I must run tonight!

jennxaz said...

bloody hell...did you put some butter in there coffee...sheesh.

Barbara said...

Live Life .. Eat the good stuff first.. you are perfect the way you are.. and by the way.. you are a size 0 it just has a number 1 in front of it...

Kelly said...

Don't forget the water. Which is part air, anyway. :-)

angel shrout said...

Wait you are complaining about being a size 10 and considering yourself 'big'. Sweetie in my neck of the woods you are anorexic , seriously. 10 is what our preteen girls wear. No one wants a woman who can't take good sex because she bruises too easy. NO ONE. Keep that in mind and grab a dang donut

Sunshine's Heart said...

I know how you are feeling. The only difference is that the rest of my family with a few exceptions are obese as well as me. It runs in the family. I am so disgusted with myself right now. I've gained back almost 100 pounds. The stress of my marriage failing and my mental condition was just what I needed to push me back into old eating habits. We are moving soon though and we have no vehicle. We will be walking quite a lot and that should help get me back in some kind of shape.

Connie O said...

If you were in a room with all the women in my family, you'd be the smallest one there!

RockBand Barbie said...

My sister is a size 0 and my mother is a size 4...I feel your pain :)

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

They're just lucky. My husband is underweight and forgets to eat. He'll play his PS3 game all day on his day off and survive on some chips and salsa. I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat TOMMOROW.

Tina @ The Bandit Girl said...

I might have hit her in the face with some pie....and then handed her the bowl of almonds.

Fit Mom said...

Ok almonds are good but how can you take those and not have some cake too? I think that is a sin.

Nikki said...

It's horrible when you feel like the biggest girl in the room. I think family can be harsher than friends. But you shouldn't worry too much. You're you and they're them. And a size 10 (which I believe is UK 14 - I'm English) isn't huge, honey. I always thought I wanted to be a size 0 but I wouldn't be able to eat and that wouldn't make me happy. I'm not built to be that skinny. I'm a UK 8 to 10 currently when I believe is a US 4 to 6. I'd like to be a full UK Size 8/US size 4.

Nikki said...

It's horrible when you feel like the biggest girl in the room. I think family can be harsher than friends. But you shouldn't worry too much. You're you and they're them. And a size 10 (which I believe is UK 14 - I'm English) isn't huge, honey. I always thought I wanted to be a size 0 but I wouldn't be able to eat and that wouldn't make me happy. I'm not built to be that skinny. I'm a UK 8 to 10 currently when I believe is a US 4 to 6. I'd like to be a full UK Size 8/US size 4.

Kyla @ Mommys Weird said...

What the fuck is wrong with a size 10. Size 10 is HOT.

Laura Belle said...

You know what I forgot to do today?????? Brush my teeth. AND put deodorant on. So I'm all around stanky.

Wanna know what I did remember???? A fresh bag of Hershey Hugs. And I've already eaten 12.

FML.

MandaPanda said...

First, right now I want to shank you for being a size 10.

Second, too stressed to eat? Say what?!?!