Last weekend my mom hosted an early Christmas for her side of the family.
Roughly 50 people.
Half of which are
anorexic women. Women who apparently only eat air. Or celery.
I showed up in my size 10 jeans (yes – shut up – my f*cking 8’s didn’t fit – shocker!)
and I was THEE BIGGEST GIRL THERE.
Helllllooooo??? Oh wait – what? Is this the slap in the face my chubby cheeks need?
I guess so because the last two days I have worked out and let me just say – Mama hasn’t worked out in quite a while. Obviously.
How do these women do it? I mean honestly. I didn’t even know they made size negative 3 jeans but my cousin seems to have found a pair. I had no idea my Aunt has to shop in the JUNIOR section because everything in the women’s section is too big for her.
I KID YOU NOT – this Aunt weighs 85 pounds. She is only 5 feet tall but come the f*ck on! I can - NO LIE - hand down my 12 year old’s clothing to her. Holy mother of God. She’s the size of my 12 year old with the head of a 60 year old. Eeesh.
My other cousin said she’s just too busy and stressed to eat. Shitbuckets. I’m so busy and stressed SO I eat. I mean she only has ONE kid and ONE job. What the holy hell am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be so stressed with 2 kids and 3 jobs that I forget to eat?
Never, ever, ever have I forgotten to eat. Like ever.
I might forget to sleep. Or shave. Or comb my hair. But eat?
As I was getting my SECOND piece of cheesecake from the dessert table, my other
waif of a cousin came over to get her dessert too. I swear to you that she never even saw the desserts right under her nose. There had to be 10 pie and cake and brownie dishes laid out but do you know what she said to me?
“Oh my gosh, don’t these almonds look delicious??”….as she grabbed a handful and NEVER TOOK A DAMN PIECE OF ANY CAKE OR COOKIE OR PIE.
Is she blind? Or walking around dead? Does she not have taste buds? Is she human?
She’s just a size zero.
I’m so over this.
I kicked my diet into high gear and like I said – have worked out both Mon and Tues and plan to work out tonight too. I have my spreadsheets and game plans ready. Would you believe that yesterday not a single piece of chocolate touched my lips? (pause for the audible gasps I know you’ll be making after reading that.)
Let someone else in their size 10s be the biggest girl in the room. I’m so done with that role.
I refuse to be that woman.
It was a wonderful holiday gathering by the way.
Even though I hate every single one of them with their collar bones and cheek bones clearly visible.
For the record, air doesn’t taste good and it doesn’t fill me up.
I’m gonna have to add celery to my menu.
Merry f*cking Christmas!