Monday, November 26, 2012

Want some frozen vagina with those frozen peas?

Did I ever tell you that when I was little - and still now - that I abhor peas?  I mean when I say I hate all the "P" words that have to do with bodily functions - the food "pea" is grouped into the "P" words category.  The hate is strong for the little, green, round balls of ACK

You see, my Grandmother used to make us eat the number of peas according to how old we were.  If you were 7, you had to eat 7 peas.  I am here to tell you that I never "ate" a single pea.  I swallowed them whole like aspirin - drenched in chocolate milk and I still gagged the whole time.

So one might wonder why would a person who hates peas so much have a bag of frozen ones in her freezer?  Well because - my damn family loves them.  I cannot stand to cook them or smell them or even see them lest the memories of swallowing them whole comes rushing back -  but they love them anyway just to spite me.

However - just yesterday - I began to hate peas just a little less.  The frozen bag variety anyway.

Let me tell you why.

Remember last week when I nearly died when a doctor tried to dig out my brains after day 4 in the hospital?  You can read about it here.

Well - the very first thing the ER docs did for the first two days was give me STRONG IV antibiotics followed by more oral antibiotics.  By the time I saw the specialist on day you wanna know the first thing he said?

He said and I quote:  "If I had seen you first - I wouldn't have given you antibiotics at all."

Well la dee freaking dah.

I punched him in the face.  Twice.  I mean really Doc? 

I wanted to scream, "Let me introduce you to the mother of all yeast infections - courtesy of antibiotics run amuck in my system that I did NOT need - you heifer."

I'm not a woman who gets yeast infections much.  Probably 2 or 3 my whole life.  I know some women get them pretty regularly and let me just say to you if you are such a woman - may God bless your heart.

You deserve a freaking medal of honor.

My holy God in heaven.  How can a person's vagina skin feel like it's going to burn off one minute and the next minute you realize you're the one with your hands down your pants itching it raw to begin with?

Dignity flies out the window.  You cannot NOT itch.

I've never used so much Vagisil in all my life. 

It's like theee worst rug burn of your life - on your vagina - with a dose of poison ivy added in for good flavor.

And red?  Yah - pretty much puts Rudolph's nose to shame.  It's priceless I tell you.  F*cking priceless.

All for medicine I didn't need.  Did I mention that previously?

Anyway - one night I was particularly pissed at the itching of the vajayjay and had had enough.  I was either going to cut off the entire portion of myself "down there" or go crazy.  Until I got the brilliant idea of numbing the "area".

I mean - really - whenever a person has back pain or an ache somewhere else - what do we do?  We ICE the spot until it's so cold it's numb and you live in oblivion...until the pain and feeling come back anyway.

I am completely unashamed to admit that I shoved a bag of frozen peas in my underwear - straight on the ol' cooter.

I nearly screamed out loud (2am with Rambo beside me) after I realized it was a tad too cold and then freaked out about the whole possibility of inflamed labia sticking to the plastic bag.  Can you imagine?  Oh.  My.  God.  Like a tongue to a flagpole - that's all I could think about.

I very brilliantly put a towel between the peas and "Rudolph" and let oblivion take over.  In just a few minutes it was like I had no vagina.  I felt nothing.  Except cold. 

I promptly fell asleep.

The only thing weirder than confessing to the world that I purposely shoved a bag of frozen peas in my crotch - and enjoyed it - is confessing that it's really awkward in the morning when your husband wakes up before you do and reaches over to cop a "feel" and gets....peas.  Thawed by now - peas.

In his wife's underwear.

The look on his face was just precious. 

Good times people.  Good effing times.


Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Just had antibiotics for bronchitits and I thought I was getting off easy this time... well, there will be no "getting off" anytime soon!

Dinnerland said...

Peas make an excellent 'in a pinch ice pack' and now you know!

jennxaz said...

a handful of peas...priceless!

FitBy40 said...

I've had many yeast infections in my life, but none recently (Thank God!). I feel your pain.
Serves Rambo right for going after the infected cooter. He should know better!
Hope it's better soon my dear.

Cat said...

This seriously made me chuckle. And yeah, seriously feels like you want to get a garden rake out of the shed/garage and rake the heck out of the offending area until there is no more feeling. Ugh. Poor Rambo. Well, at least you said he likes peas!! Haha.

LDswims said...

Wow. That's a new one. I hate peas, too. Except in split pea soup. I can't imagine keeping a bag of peas in my house - I hate them that much. I have often thought I need to keep a bag around for the icing something down option...but I hate peas. I can't bring them in my house. Not willingly. But see what LHF might do in the same situation. Now that'd be funny.

MandaPanda said...

Frozen corn (not on the cob obviously) is good for this too. And seriously...copping a feel when you've got a yeast infection...he deserved it. :)

adorkbl said...

Eiik. Hope today is a little less itchy for you.

EmDub @ Faster In Water said...

Giiiirl. I've had one. And my conclussion is that if I were to ever to come down with a STD or something that prolongs the agony, I may become suicidal. It is so emotionally challenging.

Glad to hear the peas both relieved the symptoms for a while and gave Rambo a fright in the morning :)