You see, my Grandmother used to make us eat the number of peas according to how old we were. If you were 7, you had to eat 7 peas. I am here to tell you that I never "ate" a single pea. I swallowed them whole like aspirin - drenched in chocolate milk
So one might wonder why would a person who hates peas so much have a bag of frozen ones in her freezer? Well because - my damn family loves them. I cannot stand to cook them or smell them or even see them lest the memories of swallowing them whole comes rushing back - but they love them anyway just to spite me.
However - just yesterday - I began to hate peas just a little less. The frozen bag variety anyway.
Let me tell you why.
Remember last week when I nearly died when a doctor tried to dig out my brains after day 4 in the hospital? You can read about it here.
Well - the very first thing the ER docs did for the first two days was give me STRONG IV antibiotics followed by more oral antibiotics. By the time I saw the specialist on day 4...do you wanna know the first thing he said?
He said and I quote: "If I had seen you first - I wouldn't have given you antibiotics at all."
Well la dee freaking dah.
I punched him in the face.
I wanted to scream, "Let me introduce you to the mother of all yeast infections - courtesy of antibiotics run amuck in my system that I did NOT need - you heifer."
I'm not a woman who gets yeast infections much. Probably 2 or 3 my whole life. I know some women get them pretty regularly and let me just say to you if you are such a woman - may God bless your heart.
You deserve a freaking medal of honor.
My holy God in heaven. How can a person's vagina skin feel like it's going to burn off one minute and the next minute you realize you're the one with your hands down your pants itching it raw to begin with?
Dignity flies out the window. You cannot NOT itch.
I've never used so much Vagisil in all my life.
It's like theee worst rug burn of your life - on your vagina - with a dose of poison ivy added in for good flavor.
And red? Yah - pretty much puts Rudolph's nose to shame. It's priceless I tell you. F*cking priceless.
All for medicine I didn't need. Did I mention that previously?
Anyway - one night I was particularly pissed at the itching of the vajayjay and had had enough. I was either going to cut off the entire portion of myself "down there" or go crazy. Until I got the brilliant idea of numbing the "area".
I mean - really - whenever a person has back pain or an ache somewhere else - what do we do? We ICE the spot until it's so cold it's numb and you live in oblivion...until the pain and feeling come back anyway.
I am completely unashamed to admit that I shoved a bag of frozen peas in my underwear - straight on the ol' cooter.
I nearly screamed out loud (2am with Rambo beside me) after I realized it was a tad too cold and then freaked out about the whole possibility of inflamed labia sticking to the plastic bag. Can you imagine? Oh. My. God. Like a tongue to a flagpole - that's all I could think about.
I very brilliantly put a towel between the peas and "Rudolph" and let oblivion take over. In just a few minutes it was like I had no vagina. I felt nothing. Except cold.
I promptly fell asleep.
The only thing weirder than confessing to the world that I purposely shoved a bag of frozen peas in my crotch - and enjoyed it - is confessing that it's really awkward in the morning when your husband wakes up before you do and reaches over to cop a "feel" and gets....peas. Thawed by now - peas.
In his wife's underwear.
The look on his face was just precious.
Good times people. Good effing times.