I forgot something on my Cmas list from yesterday. Actually I forgot three things. Forgive me. These are muy importante. Feel free to take notes.
1. I know that most women are Victoria Secret’s bras and underwear whores. But me? I’m a VS clothes whore. I’m a sucker for all their comfy lounge sweats and hoodies and yoga pants. And now they carry a line of NFL and college teams yoga pants. OH EMM GEE! I even have a pair of their yoga pants with rhinestones skulls on the waistband. This weekend when Rambo and I went Cmas shopping – I sorta kinda might have humped a pair of their new pants in the store. Check these suckers out.
I don’t care who you are – these outfits are fantastic. Perfection. A little bling. A little fun colors. And only $250 for the set. I’d sell my liver for one of these.
2 The second thing that I forgot to mention that I wanted for Cmas was a cork. For Explosive Bathroom Man’s ass. Honest to God…it never ends.
3 Lastly, I’d like children who smile instead of cry. Who wake up farting gumdrops and spewing rainbow words instead of buckets full of crabbiness. I swear to God on high that this season makes my kids turn into little tiny devils. Last night they both got home from a basketball game and walked in crying. Yup – both of them. WELL HELLO FAMILY – I’VE MISSED YOU SOOO! I had spent the evening before they got home – wrapping their Cmas gifts. 5 minutes after they got home, I wanted to go downstairs and burn every present I had wrapped for them.
Surely these cannot be the two children I bought ALL those gifts for??? I told them both to go to their rooms and calm down. After about 10 minutes, I heard Watermelon say, “Banana – get your blanket and come in my room.” There they sat – on Watermelon’s bed – in the pitch black. Crying together.
I could hear them in the office.
At one point I heard Watermelon say, “I bet they won’t even cook for us tonight.” Banana kept crying and said in between sobs, “What are we going to do then – just starve?”
JESUS. Yah, cuz we often don’t feed you. They need a trip to Ethiopia to see what starving really means.
Don’t bother me though because tonight I have to go shopping for party favors and streamers and food and crafts for Watermelon’s birthday party on Friday night. And an effing cake.
Watermelon and Banana have it rough. We’re terrible parents.
Merry Effing Christmas.