Tuesday, December 11, 2012

All I Want For Christmas is....

…. a husband with a brain instead of a penis for a brain. Mr. Rambo was in his “need a ladder to get into, 4x4, huge-tired, loud ass” truck with Watermelon the other night – when he turns and says to her, “Should we leave a black mark?” Seriously. He’s five. So he does whatever you need to do to burn rubber and the tires promptly dig in and the drive shaft BREAKS. Yup – that’s right. He broke the effing truck. Women just don’t do this kind of shit. 208 dollars later and I’m still pissed.

…fake Santa Claus “helpers” that at least resemble or sound like the “real” Santa. Jesus. The guy at Walmart who was playing Santa had the face of an 8 year old. I’m not sure he’d been through puberty yet because his voice sounded more like an elf than a Santa. And to top it off – he was skinny. Really? I mean can we at least try to play the part so my kid who is on the verge of not believing is slightly fooled?

…Christmas lights that don’t cost a fortune simply because they are LED. Want a box of LED lights so you can be a more efficient household? No problem. That’ll be $52.99 for 10 lights. Spank you very much.

….the banning of center aisle kiosk salesmen at the mall. I’m in a hurry. Do not ask me if I want your lotion rubbed all over me. No, I do not want you to touch my hair with that. Do I look like I have time for a massage? Yes – those are nice…are you aware Target has them for half the price? UGH

…Christmas break for adults just like the kids get. It’s only fair, right? I mean, let’s be honest. I’m not doing anything productive at work once it turns December anyway.

…the movie Christmas Vacation to run 24/7 every day of December instead of those sappy Lifetime movies where Santa is proven to be real…except he’s not.

….for Barbara Streisand to be forbidden to sing Christmas songs. Please stop. Please. Her and Willie Nelson. It’s just wrong.

…for there to be enough money leftover at the end of the month to pay my mortgage after I go way over budget and buy way too many gifts for my kids. Why does Hello Kitty have to make one of everything? It’s impossible to resist. Same for you, damn One Direction boy band. Why must every 12 year old girl on Earth – including MY daughter be obsessed with you? Whose idea was it to make a One Direction toothbrush? Really?

….for those people who volunteer to ring bells outside of every store you go into to not be allowed to make eye contact with me. I swear if they look me in the eye – I have to put money in the damn red pot. I can’t look at them and not give them money without feeling like I robbed a homeless child. It might as well be the Virgin Mary herself ringing the bell. Eeesh.

10 comments:

Cat said...

I *heart u* I think you won the Christmas internet with this list. /nod

LDswims said...

I love you.

All I want for Christmas is a random phone call from my favorite shopping addict ever.

Looks like this is the best Christmas I can recall in decades! I got what I wanted! :)

I hope you had a blast shopping this weekend.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

LMAO! While putting up the tree on Sunday, we had Christmas music on and there were plenty of songs that should never be covered. The original should remain untouched!

Amy W. said...

good luck finding the hubs with a brian... love this post!

MandaPanda said...

You crack me up but I agree with all of these!

Laura Belle said...

You also want shoes. Pretty pretty pink sparkly ones. that are magically comfortable and make your legs look like some bombshell victoria secret model.

yes yes, you want that too.

Brandy said...

My 11 year old is also crazy about One Direction....Give me a break....I can't take that crap blaring at 6am every freaking morning!

Marc said...

You out did yourself - very funny!

Joanna said...

OMG - I said the same thing about the Santas on Saturday. I see old men walking around ALL of the time with big bellies and long white beards - how come they all disappear around Christmas time and we're stuck with 20-something year old men that can't even get the fake beard to stay on right. Seriously, I look more like Santa than some of these imposters!

jennxaz said...

"The shitters full Clark" I just LOVE that show. Watch it every year..and I swear my hubby is harder on the vehicles than I ever am. I laughed out loud at the young santa...bahahahahaha