…. a husband with a brain instead of a penis for a brain. Mr. Rambo was in his “need a ladder to get into, 4x4, huge-tired, loud ass” truck with Watermelon the other night – when he turns and says to her, “Should we leave a black mark?” Seriously. He’s five. So he does whatever you need to do to burn rubber and the tires promptly dig in and the drive shaft BREAKS. Yup – that’s right. He broke the effing truck. Women just don’t do this kind of shit. 208 dollars later and I’m still pissed.
…fake Santa Claus “helpers” that at least resemble or sound like the “real” Santa. Jesus. The guy at Walmart who was playing Santa had the face of an 8 year old. I’m not sure he’d been through puberty yet because his voice sounded more like an elf than a Santa. And to top it off – he was skinny. Really? I mean can we at least try to play the part so my kid who is on the verge of not believing is slightly fooled?
…Christmas lights that don’t cost a fortune simply because they are LED. Want a box of LED lights so you can be a more efficient household? No problem. That’ll be $52.99 for 10 lights. Spank you very much.
….the banning of center aisle kiosk salesmen at the mall. I’m in a hurry. Do not ask me if I want your lotion rubbed all over me. No, I do not want you to touch my hair with that. Do I look like I have time for a massage? Yes – those are nice…are you aware Target has them for half the price? UGH
…Christmas break for adults just like the kids get. It’s only fair, right? I mean, let’s be honest. I’m not doing anything productive at work once it turns December anyway.
…the movie Christmas Vacation to run 24/7 every day of December instead of those sappy Lifetime movies where Santa is proven to be real…except he’s not.
….for Barbara Streisand to be forbidden to sing Christmas songs. Please stop. Please. Her and Willie Nelson. It’s just wrong.
…for there to be enough money leftover at the end of the month to pay my mortgage after I go way over budget and buy way too many gifts for my kids. Why does Hello Kitty have to make one of everything? It’s impossible to resist. Same for you, damn One Direction boy band. Why must every 12 year old girl on Earth – including MY daughter be obsessed with you? Whose idea was it to make a One Direction toothbrush? Really?
….for those people who volunteer to ring bells outside of every store you go into to not be allowed to make eye contact with me. I swear if they look me in the eye – I have to put money in the damn red pot. I can’t look at them and not give them money without feeling like I robbed a homeless child. It might as well be the Virgin Mary herself ringing the bell. Eeesh.