Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Have you ever had a head reading?

You know – like a palm reading – but not. Cuz it’s your head instead.

I did yesterday – without even knowing it was happening.

I had a migraine yesterday. It actually started Saturday. I took a triptan pill. Triptans are used to help your blood vessels relax and open up to let blood flow so they stop constricting so tightly – which is what migraine pain is.

Sunday I had to take two more triptans. Which then meant I was out of triptans. My prescription is only for 9 pills a month. They are very expensive. If I get four migraines a week – well yah – they don’t last long.

So yes, folks. I had none left. Just like a meth user who takes their last hit – I get nervous. I knew Monday I’d have to refill my prescription right away and I prayed the migraine was gone.

It wasn’t. By Monday afternoon I knew there was gonna be a problem.

I was using my natural Progessence oil every 10 minutes. I decided to leave work early to get my prescription. But not before I texted my “natural oil dealer”. This is how the conversation went.

I have another migraine today.

Oh no! Are you light sensitive?

Yes.

Looking up more stuff. We should talk about a serious system cleanse.

I’m so angry and sad all at once.

Try to let the emotion go. Don’t hold it in and don’t be fearful. What color is the first color that pops into your head if I ask you?

Pink.


Where is your headache?

Right temple.

Looking up emotional triggers. How do you feel in your gut when I say “fear of inconsistency”?

Scared.

Have you recently had a betrayal in friendship or love? Do any of those sit in your gut like old emotional stuff, or current stuff maybe?

Yup. I’m dealing with some major family stuff right now.

Okay. So that’s your headache. Pink told me. What is your main emotion dealing with family right now?

Anger

Color?

Blue.

You feel disappointment and rejection.

Jesus. Yes and yes.

I’ll mix you some oils to deal with a migraine when you have one. I’ll drop it by.

************************************
That was the end of my “reading.” I sat there kind of stunned. Though I don’t know why. In my extensive migraine research, I’ve read that some scientists and docs believe 90% of migraines are caused by emotional triggers. 90-effing-percent.

And people? I’m a BALL of extreme emotions. Good and bad.

The whole thing makes me sad. I don’t know how to stop my excessive feeling, worrying and stress. It is who I am. And my body revolts against it – with migraines – that are debilitating me.

My oil woman says she can help. There are calming oils and things like that.

At this point, I’ll try anything. I’m all about Western medicine but it’s failed me so far.

Anyway – I used the oil she mixed for when I get a migraine and my migraine is gone. I took a triptan (after I got my refill) so I’m not sure which one fixed it. Normally the migraine would come back today so if it doesn’t – the oil may have worked.

Another girl at work had a bad headache and I gave her the oil and five minutes later she said it’s gone. That’s good news huh?

So how about you guys? Have you ever tried alternative meds for a health problem? What was it and did it work? I’d love to hear!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Mother of the Year - Story #86 or something like that. And bling.

Anyone with more than one child can understand what I mean when I say there's always one child that you know deep in your heart - is going to be trouble.  From the moment my Banana was born - we knew - she was going to "that kid". 

And bless her heart - she hasn't let us down.  Not for one second.

The latest? 

Ah well - first I should tell you - that according to my dear, sweet, angelic 6 year old - it's not her fault.  Her friend told her to do it.  The "it" being dumping water in another boy's shoes at school.

After the teacher told us what she did, I promptly asked Banana why she did it. 
 She simply said, "Cuz Alexa told me to."

Well, okay then. 

So of course, I did the whole, "you can't do everything your friends tell you to" speal. 
And I thought we were good.

Until I heard from the teacher again.  This time?  My Banana was caught going into the bathroom stalls to lock them from the inside and crawling back out.  Yup - my kid crawled on school bathroom floors. 

God help me.

Guess who was with her?  Yup.  Alexa.  Alexa told her to do it.

I swear I'm going to kick that Alexa's ass.  Cuz - yah - my child is perfect - duh.

Six years old people.  Kindergarten.  Not even half way through her first year. 

On a happier note, Rambo got home the other day and told me hold out my hands and close my eyes.  I did and also promptly said, "Why do you always bring me home food when you know I'm on a diet?"

As I open my eyes to see this blinged-out little thing.


Don't you love it?  Rambo said he saw it and knew "he had to get it for his baby". 

Oopsie - sorry about that whole "always bringing me food comment." 

Pink and black baby.  LOVE it!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Updates, oils, shoes, turds and necklaces. Oh and pigs too.

Want a gluten-free migraine update?  It's not that exciting but I'll give it to you anyway.  I'm still eating gluten-free whenever I can.  I know a woman who uses progesterone oil and swears she hasn't had a migraine since she started using it.  I've always wondered if my migraines were part of some hormone issue because I never had them until I was pregnant 6 years ago. 

Anywhoozle, I'm using the progesterone oil on my arms and the back of my neck as prescribed.  This is what the bottle looks like and it's FIFTY freaking dollars.  It's NOT a big bottle but it's very strong and has a pepperminty smell.  We'll see how it works.

**********************************************************

Did you know Lara bars are gluten-free?  Have you ever tried them?  They LOOK like a square turd.  Honestly - I just can't eat them anymore because of this.  Look.  I'm not wrong, am I?

****************************************************

I lost my Silpada watch.  I'm pissed.  It was silver and expensive and they don't sell it anymore.

****************************************************

I've been watching Sex and the City reruns and now I want a "Carrie" necklace.

Like this:


                           ********************************************************
I saw shoes like this on a blog I follow.  Then I kept shoe shopping and found these and I want 16 pairs of them - simply because they are my favorite color evah.  You like?  They are Brooks.


  
               ***********************************************************

Lastly, I want to say sometimes I'm soooo happy to be a woman.  Specifically I'm talking about Rambo's job - and not the one at the prison.  The one where he drives a semi loaded with 600 pigs.  Now it's true - a woman could do this job - but MOST of the time it is men.  And well - I'm happy about that fact because I learned a new thing about hauling pigs today. 

Because of PETA - in order to get pigs out of the semi you cannot use canes or prods or anything. 
You have to simply clap your hands at them. 

Obviously - if you've ever worked around animals - clapping one's hands doesn't often work.  When it doesn't - and a pig won't come off the trailer - Rambo has to go inside the factory and get a worker and the worker comes out. 

And shoots the pig.  In the trailer.  Then drags it in with the rest of the smart ones who got off the trailer on their own. 

I simply cannot fathom this. 

How about being the guy who does the shooting and dragging? 

Ewwww - right?


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

You just might unfollow me after this.

Mmmkkaayyy. I have decided to confess some things and some of them are gonna make some of you want to poke forks in my eyes. With jalepenos on them. For realz.


I’m willing to take the risk because I just have to get some of this off my chest.

OMG – I feel like I’m going to be burned at the stake or someone is going to knit me a big A for my chest.

Okay – here it is.

I hate Pinterest.

Holy shit, right? Are you still reading? Okay wait – before you unfollow me – hear me out.

I don’t actually hate Pinterest. I hate that there is a Pinterest. Meaning I hate that there is ANOTHER thing on the web that I’m supposed to want to make love to and name my first born after.

People – I can’t keep up! God help me – but I just can’t. I signed up – threw some tattoo pictures on there and followed a bunch of people…and haven’t look at it since. Why did I bother you ask?

BECAUSE. (Yup, that's the best reason I got.  Just because.)

If someone asks me if I’m on Pinterest or the famous, “Oh my good golly, don’t you just looooooooove Pinterest?” or “Are you as addicted to your Pinterest as you are to your shoe collection?”…I can now say, “Yup, I’m on there. It’s great.”

Because before? Jesus, Mary and grasshopper dicks – if I said, “Nope – not on Pinterest!” – sometimes women would run away screaming or they’d slap me and look at me like I slept with their husband or something. It was just easier to make myself an account. Trust me.

And forgive me – but I just don’t get it. I “pin” things I like to my board. Um…in my head I know I like these things. Why do I need to put them on a virtual board? Why do I care if others see that? Why do I care what other people’s boards have on them? I’m confused. Help me.

You want another confession? Fine. I’ll give you one. I’m not into Twitter. Don’t know how it works. Don’t care to find out. Don’t want to. If one more person asks me or reprimands me for not being on Twitter I’m going to kick them in their twat. Honest to f*cking Pete. Who has time for all this shit? And what is Twitter anyway – instant statuses or something? Isn’t Facebook enough? I have cousins who literally update their status when they decide to go pee. Or blink. Or take a breath. Do I need to see this on Twitter too?

Speaking of Facebook. Here’s a little tip for you. CLARIFY yourself or I will hunt you down and kill you with a tire iron. A person I know in town with kids wrote this last night on Facebook:

“Found out today that Aspen has stomach and bladder cancer. What an awful day. Going to bed so we can get some sleep and decide what to do for her tomorrow.”

Are you sad? Are you freaking out that a little girl named Aspen is dealing with cancer and so are her parents? Is your heart breaking for them like mine did?

UNTIL YOU FIND OUT ASPEN IS THEIR FREAKING DOG!

I mean – yes – it is still sad BUT my God – I was about to start organizing a benefit and fundraiser. Jesus. Reedonkulous. How the hell do I know your DOG’S name is Aspen and it’s not your little girl????????????? CLARIFY.

I suppose if I want to admit it – I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed in life. I haven’t seen the top of my kitchen table in weeks. I don’t remember what my bathroom floor looks like without clothes spread all over it. Even the dust bunnies are pissed about how many of themselves there are. Yes, yes – I know. I’m not allowed to bitch and whine when I willfully took on numerous jobs and such but whatever. I’m going to bitch anyway.

I write a blog every day and follow almost 300 and try to comment on a lot of them. I have a Facebook page which gets used about 10 minutes per day. I have Pinterest. I cannot fathom twittering about Explosive Man or Asian massage therapists who freak out when I wear NUSSING. Honestly – it’s just not that interesting.

And my God – I don’t have the time. Between 2 kids, 1 house, budgets, 3 jobs, cooking, planning, cleaning, blogging, maintaining friendships and extended family relationships, dealing with my 16 personalities, watching my favorite shows and not working out – I just can’t give a damn about boards or twits.

How in the world do you guys all do it? Where do you draw the line? Do you love it all or hate it all?

And most importantly – do you still love me after I've beared my soul?


Obviously - if you love Pinterest and Twitter - I say more power to you.  I'm actually just jealous that you can do it all.  The only way I know how to say that is by making fun of it. 

I have issues.  Clearly.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The one where my pink plaid balls of steel turn into oatmeal.

I hate oatmeal.

I much prefer pink plaid balls of steel.

Today would have been 3 weeks gluten-free. I say would have been because last night I ate a piece of cheese bread.

It wasn’t even that good. I just wanted to see if I could do it without my head exploding or my body turning into one big hive. My 6 year old keeps asking me if I still have “beehives” – and so far – they are gone.

With the end of the hives came the beginning of a migraine on Thursday. And Friday. And Saturday.
And Sunday.

And a trip to the E.R. I laid there begging Satan to give me the strength not to do the ugly cry because it would hurt my head so bad. For once he listened and I laid there – with tears just endlessly flowing out of my eyes as I sat still. No ugly cry – just tears of frustration.

The nurse asked me if I had any recent mental health changes and I said, “Yah, I’m pissed off.” To which he replied, “I’d be pissed off too. Now let me shove an IV in your arm and make your world go dark.”

I don’t remember much else. Except the pain being gone and Rambo putting me to bed.

I woke up migraine free – but still angry as hell.

To make matters worse, I told the doctor my gluten-free experiment and he said, “It’s highly unlikely that gluten caused your migraines.”

F*ck you! I wanted to scream. I can’t live like this!! I just can’t.

But that was the pain talking in that moment. And I keep replaying his words and I just feel defeated. I can’t help it. I just do. I was willing to do this one really hard thing forever if it kept me healthy – and it turns out – it ain’t gonna work.

Shitballs.

Sooo the new plan is to stay gluten-free 99% of the time. Listen – if my family is having pizza (which I haven’t had in 3 weeks!!!) – I’m going to eat it. The rest of the time I’ll keep eating gluten-free. It keeps my skin clear and my stomach doesn’t hurt so it’s worth it.

I’m going back on my migraine preventive meds. I have no choice. Not just for my quality of life – but for my kids.

I remember my girls asking me to do something with them as I laid on the couch before going to the ER and I mumbled that I couldn’t…I was too sick. And then I remember each of them – with their soft little lips – bending down and kissing me. One on the forehead and one on the cheek.

And walking away. That is not a memory I want my kids to have. I want them to kiss me in joy – not in sadness. I want more from myself than pain and laying on a couch for days at a time. I want to stop being angry at the hand I’ve been dealt in regards to migraines.

I want to spend my money on shoes and purses.

Not on hospital E.R. copays.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Nutrisystem stuff...

FOR SALE!!!

I have some leftover Nutrisystem stuff that I want to sell because it's taking up space.  Rambo and I only did Nutrisystem for two month and we liked it but the first month I was too dumb to realize I needed to make my own choices so NS made them for...so there are a lot of items I wouldn't have picked myself.  

Rambo still eats some of it but I can't eat it anymore now that I've gone gluten-free and I just want the space back.

Anyway - I don't care about getting what I paid for it so I'm selling it for a fraction of the cost.  I have NO idea what shipping will be because it'll be a big box.  I'm not selling it in pieces - it's all or none.  I thought I'd throw it out here before putting it on Ebay.

I think there's AT LEAST a month's worth of food for one person - if not more.  For one month, when we did it I paid $270.00 plus shipping.  I'll sell all of this for $100.00 plus whatever it costs to ship it.  And you don't have to join or go online and choose or anything!! 

It was a great program and I lost 7 lbs in the month I was on it and it was simple and smart.  I wanted a month off of cooking, planning and grocery shopping and it was worth it just to see if I liked it.



Here's what I have:

Breakfast items:
nutrifrosted crunch cereal - 1
berries & multigrain flakes - 3
cluster crunch cereal - 3
lowfat granola cereal - 4
nutriflakes cereal - 2
scrambled eggs & veggies - 2
maple brown sugar oatmeal - 2
apple cinnamon oatmeal - 3
pancake mix - 1
blueberry pancake mix - 1
nutricinnamon square cereal - 1
cinnamon bun bar - 1

Lunch items:
Mexican tortilla soup - 4
pasta parmesan with broccoli - 6
cheesy homestyle potatoes - 11
hearty minestrone soup - 1
cream of broccoli soup - 3
3 cheese pasta with chicken - 3
fettucini alfredo - 1
pasta with beef - 1
beans & ham soup - 1
chx pasta in cacciatore sauce - 1
cheese tortellini - 1
creamy caeser dressing w/ diced chicken - 8
red beans & rice w/ chicken sausage - 1
tuna salad - 1

Supper items:
Mac & cheese with beef - 4
mac & cheese - 2
hearty beef stew - 2
vegetarian chili - 1
chili with beans - 3
Italian herb flatbread pizza - 5
flame broiled beef patty - 8
thick crust pizza - 4
buffalo chicken wrap - 1
cheese & spinach ravioli w/ meat sauce - 2
chicken pasta parmesan - 1
veg lasagna w/ basil tomato sauce - 4
cajun style chicken & sausage w/ rice - 1
bbq sauce over beef beans and rice - 1
lasagna with meat sauce - 1
rotini w/ meatballs and tomato sauce
grilled chicken breast - 2


Dessert items:
butterscotch pudding - 9
peppermint cookie pattie - 2
chocolate crunch bar - 3
chocolatey nougat bar w/ peanuts & caramel - 6
milk chocolatey delight bar - 2
chocolate peanut butter bar - 2
mint chocolate crunch bar - 2
coconut almond bar - 2
pretzels - 3
honey mustard pretzels - 3
walnut chocolate chip cookies -  1
white chocolate chunk cookie 2
chocolate chip cookie 2
peanut butter cookie 1
nutrichocolates - 1
double chocolate almond cookie 2
butter flavored popcorn - 3
oatmeal raisin cookie 2
nacho crisps - 1
buffalo wing pretzel bits - 1

Let me know if you're interested!

Friday, January 20, 2012

BYOC..Bring Your Own Crazy!

I be sorry ladies.  I decided to sleep in today and therefore BYOC is late.  My apologies.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!  5 little questions we answer to give our blogging brains a break and to get to know each other better.  Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!

1.  If money and time wasn't a problem - name a place you'd go on vacation and for how long?

*  Most of you will smack me.  Even IF money and time weren't an object - I doubt I'd go anywhere.  I'm a homebody social anxiety freakazoide and there is NOWHERE on this Earth that I love than my home.  After two days of being anywhere - I want to be back home.  I have no list of places on a bucket list or relatives I'd go to see for weeks at at time....sad, but true.

2.  This week I had a discussion with some friends about names our children or other people we know call the "nether regions".  Don't hate - it's funny.  So let's share them for a laugh.  Any creative words for hoohaa and tallywhacker you think we haven't heard yet?

*  When my 6 year old was little the whole "nether region" was her butt.  The whole thing.  Now we've graduated to "pee thing".  My oldest daughter used to call a man's thing - his "hose".  Today as an 11 year old - the area is called her "private zone". 

One of my commenters called her vagina a bajingo this week and I freaking love that.

3.  Take a picture of your nails right now!  Bossy, aren't I?  I just had my nails done - I can't help it.  I neeeed to show someone!




4.  Tell me about the weather right now where you are!

Right now - here - it is snowing like a banchee and we are expecting 10 inches.  The only good thing about this is that I didn't go to work today because of it.  LAME! 

5.  Repeat question.  Summarize your week in real life and blog land.

Blog land is annoying due to white pages/comment issues....see my post here to possibly fix this. 

Real life is fine.  Still gluten-free....but getting frustrated a bit.  Hives are gone by the way! YAY!

If you're suddenly getting less or even no comments....

It's probably not because of you or what you typing!  Good news, right?  LOL

There's a known unable to comment/white page issue going around blogger right now.  It's annoying as hell...I can't comment on blogs (like Kelly, Ice Queen, Sarah).  Sometimes clicking on the person's blog link brings up the blog when clicking on the post link just brings up a white screen - BUT - then I still can't comment.

Here's a fix that's been working for a lot of us.

Go into your settings and change your comments from embedded under your post to full page. 

Dumb - but it works.

Try it and see if you suddenly start getting comments like you did before.

If you change it and still no one comments - well then - it might be because you're talking about poop or sumpin.  Oh wait - I'm the only one who has issues reading about poop.  Scratch that.  LOL

Hope this helps some of you! 

Try to get the word out if you can - I miss commenting on everyone's blogs!  It's driving me crazy!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Gluten-free - Day 16 Update!

This gluten-free shiz is tricky. And challenging to say the least.

I’ve said before that I’ve NEVER been on a diet strictly for my health. It was almost always to lose weight to simply look better. If I slipped up and cheated – I would gain weight and feel pissed –
but it wasn’t a huge deal.

Now? If I slip or cheat – it “feels” life-altering.
Because, let’s face it – if going gluten-free works – it WILL be life-altering.

Today is Day 16. I didn’t cheat on purpose once. Really early on I read a package of Brach’s candies (my FAVE) and didn’t see anything with gluten in it so I ate them. Later on Rambo brought me about 10 more bags and when I checked online – Brach’s says it cannot confirm or deny traces of gluten so I shouldn’t eat them. Life almost ended. For real. But I’ve had none since.

The ONLY other time I goofed up was Chinese – and that wasn’t for lack of research or trying. I thought I was safe BUT in scouring the net today I’m 99% sure that what I had was cooked using soy sauce and that’s a gluten no-no.

I had that Chinese on Saturday night. Immediately after I swelled and felt nauseous and flu-ish and generally yucky. The next day I got my first migraine in over a week. The next next day I was covered in hives. Even the vagina got in on the action. Last night and this morning – again – I woke up covered in hives. As I sit at my desk with my radio on I can hear my stomach making loud noises – like it used to – pre-G-free.

Through extensive research again – hives are a VERY common reaction to accidental gluten ingestion. Once off gluten – and you eat it again – if you have a problem with it – your reaction will be much worse than when you had eaten gluten every day.

I am praying and hoping and begging that these hives are temporary and due to the accidental ingestion.

So yes, I did get a migraine. It was after the accidental gluten ingestion AND the day Aunt Flo arrived also sooo it could be the gluten OR a completely hormonal migraine.

My swelling in my stomach is much better. I used to be able to sleep until 10am or 11am on weekends and still need a 3 hour nap later – and I have done neither. I used to hit my snooze button massive times before I could find the will power to drag my fatigued body from bed. No more. Today I arrived at work EARLY.

Today – just to be sure I’m not getting hives from topical gluten – I’ve researched hairsprays and deodorants and makeups that are gluten-free. I suppose next is detergent.

They say if your gluten intolerance is very sensitve and high – when you accidentally ingest it – your reaction will be worse. Makes sense. So in the same token – if your intolerance is high – you possibly may not be able to tolerate even touching glutens that you don’t ingest – like makeups, hairsprays, etc.

This hive thing? Well, it sure as hell is enough to make me want to throw in the towel. I mean – ask yourself – how long could you live with hives in every crevice but your ass? Or why would you want to?

I don’t think I’d even wish this on Drazil.

So I sit doped up on Benadryl – and unbelievably – it doesn’t even make me tired.
Normally I’d have had to go home.

I’m not giving up. I’m waiting this out. There is also such a thing as gluten withdrawal. The gluten and toxins leaving your body – coming out through your skin as hives. I could be sensitive to dairy as many gluten-sensitive people are.

Also – did you know that there is a book out there that tells a person all about themselves – what they should eat, what they are more prone to, etc – by their blood type?

Now I have no idea if I believe in this too much or not – except that I’m Type O. And sure as shit – Type O people are very prone to gluten-sensitivity. Of course they are.

Oh wait – one last thing. Remember how I don’t sleep through the night – like ever? And I also sleep with earplugs to drown out Rambo’s snoring? And I was filled with hives when I went to bed?

Didn’t matter. I slept the entire night. The whole thing people. I do not recall waking up or moving or anything and I didn’t even use earplugs.

OMFG. That would be Oh My F*cking Gluten.

Couple other things I discovered are this:

Ragu spaghetti sauce and pizza sauce are gluten-free! This means that with my gluten-free pasta I bought I can sit down with the family and still have spaghetti night!

Anyone ever eat/make shit on a shingle? Dried beef and rice and white sauce. Um yes – I can eat this too.

I went to the candy drawer at work yesterday. Took out two Milky Ways. Got to my desk and googled whether or not they had gluten. They do. They mother-f*cking do. I nearly passed out because I didn’t want to believe it. Who the hell stuck gluten in my favorite candy bar??? I threw them in the candy jar like a pouting 3 year old would - for someone else to enjoy.

My family had a giant roll of french bread smothered in butter and garlic and cheese and broiled to perfection last night. I did not even so much as look at it. I’m not sure you understand the difficulty of this feat. It’d be like Drazil not talking smack to me 24/7. It’s nearly impossible. But I did it.

Mmkkaayyy – there you go. My gluten free 16 day update. As of Day 14, I was down 4 pounds. Bonus!

I don’t find eating gluten-free that difficult but I’m not going to lie – this hive thing is taking all my will power to stick through it. The “thought” of cutting down migraines without meds is so powerful to me that I’ll do it. I used to have the mind-set that “if I eat that while I’m on my diet – I’ll gain weight” and that was never enough to stop. Now when I reach for something and realize I can’t have it and I then don’t have it – it is because my mind now says, “if I eat that while I’m on my diet – I’ll get sick.”

Totally different motivator.

Oh and also – remember I’ve been on an antibiotic for years to control my acne that produces severe swelling. I haven’t taken it in at least a week – and no breakouts yet (normally after 3 days I’d have a breakout already). So if this keeps up – that’s another dangerous medicine I’m off! In just 16 days.

Please – if you know who the God of Hives is – get on your little knees and pray to Him for me. It has to be a HE….no woman – God or otherwise – would let another woman get hives that encircle her hoo-haa.

Last night I almost took pictures of the hives. No – not the vagina ones. The other PG rated ones.
If they come back tonight maybe I will. It’s acky.

You will not likey. Trust me.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Something happened to my vagina that has never happened before.

And it has nothing to do with sex, you dirty little perverts. It’s not a good “something happened to my vagina” either. Damn it.

It is quite possibly one of thee worst vagina occurrences I’ve ever encountered. Second only to pushing a small watermelon out of it and having tummy tuck drain tubes stuck in the top of it for weeks.

It is seriously almost worse than both of those – put together.

Let me back up and start from the beginning.

Yesterday was a normal Monday. I felt all sassy when I woke up so I decided to actually put some effort into how I looked. I curled all of my hair. I used a bunch of new makeup and makeup brushes I bought. I freaking wore feather earrings. I put on a white shirt with a ruffle down the front and a belt around the waist.

Then? I put on my Gap jacket that is EXACTLY like my best friend’s jacket – except hers is black. That’s right – yours truly – with Jenny’s help – shopped all of Ebay and found a jacket just like hers so we could be twins and because I stalk her. No, it’s not weird. Why would you say that?

Anywhoozle, I felt pretty good.

Then strange things began to happen about mid-way through the day.

My armpits would itch like little aliens were tickling them with tiny feathers just to piss me off. I itched them and moved on. The back of my neck itched a few times. Whatever.

My left eye felt like it had a mosquito bite in the outside corner so I itched it. No biggie.

I went to my board meeting. I went to my daughter’s basketball game afterwards.

And on the way home – life exploded. Well, wait. Life didn’t explode but hives the size of OJ Simpson’s ego did.

Now I’m no stranger to hives. I get them all the time in social situations BUT they aren’t hives like this. I usually get red splotches on my chest. No itching. Nothing raised. I don’t even know they are there until someone says something or I look in the mirror. They go away within an hour.

But these hives I got last night – holy shit on a stick. THESE are hives. Raised bumps and welts more than 3 inches long. Everywhere where it seemed my clothes touched me. All along my bra line. My jeans line. My whole neck where my collar was. Even my hands and wrists. No lie – I had hives on my eyelids people.

My mother-effing eyelids.

You think that’s the extent of it? Nope – I had hives on my ears. On the top of my feet. Backs of my arms. Everywhere.

And let me tell you – the word “itch” does not even begin to cover it. I wanted to scrape my skin off with a butter knife.

So I sat on the couch – puzzled – itching myself like someone hallucinating on meth and praying we had benadryl. We did. I took some.

Every 10 minutes I’d go into Rambo and stand there naked and scream, “Look at me! Just look! I look like I ran through a barb-wire fence with no clothes on! I’m a leper!”

He said to take more Benadryl. I did. I freaking tried to overdose on Benadryl.

And then it happened.

A hive. In the space where your leg and crotch meet and bend.

I wanted to scream, “Oh the humanity!!!” but I decided that might scare my kids. Yelling that while frantically digging at my crotch may freak them out a bit. Hell – it freaked ME out.

So of course, one hive turns into like 80 and before you know it my vagina is encircled by hives. Outlined all pretty like someone was drawing a big circle around it.

Except it wasn’t pretty. It was red and blotchy and swelled and raised and it itched so bad that I thought I might die. Right there on my couch with a hivey vagina.

I walked to the office to show Rambo and I swear to you I had to walk bow-legged. It wasn’t pretty. Half-way there I couldn’t do it. I decided I’d just tell him they were there. No need for show AND tell. Just tell. He’d understand.  He'd thank me for it later.

I took more Benadryl. Don’t hate and don’t judge. Until your vagina looks like a hooker’s crab-infested hoo-haa – you don’t get to judge.

At some point, I fell asleep or went into a coma from overdosing but either way – I stopped itching.

I woke up this morning expecting my skin to have fallen completely off but it’s still on me. And there are remnants of my hives but nothing like last night.

Was it the coat from Ebay? (I thought I had washed it but now I think I might not have) The new makeup? Something I ate? Was it the feather earrings? Were they made from some NY alley pigeon with fleas?

Who the hell knows?

All I know is my vagina looks like a vagina today. And folks – let’s all admit – that on their own hive-less vaginas aren’t all that “pretty”. Can you even fathom what one looks like with hives encircling it?

Try not to. It will haunt you until the day you die.

Just trust me when I tell you it sucks grasshopper dicks. Here’s hoping the vagina hives don’t come back today because I’m pretty sure Human Resources might have something to say to me if I walk around with my hand in my pants itching my crotch all day.

Monday, January 16, 2012

How do you like YOUR desk?

Every January, raises are doled out here. And every year the process makes me question my worth in comparison to others. If I wasn’t one of the few in the company who can see every other person’s salary, I doubt the comparing would happen. But it does – because I do see. I can compare down to the penny. Sometimes that’s pretty uplifting and sometimes it’s the opposite.


Either way – when it’s all said and done – it’s a huge lesson in gratitude and in learning NOT to compare things that are not apples to apples.

You see, being a mother and a wife has never been enough for me. I suppose to some that sounds appalling but it’s not…it’s called honesty. I have always known that I’ve needed an identity that is all about me and my talents or skills. Something that labels me as someone other than woman, mother, wife, daughter, or friend.

I can easily admit that those terms above take priority over my career but still - I need them all.

I’ve always worked in the professional arena and always full time. I’ve always loved my jobs and the people I work with. I’ve always done “stuff” with numbers. Though I was a 4.0 student, I knew that any longer than 2 years in college was too much for me.

I was engaged right out of high school to Rambo. Almost the only thing I could think of was saying “I do” so I could finally live with him and be his wife. Two years of college was almost too much but I did it. I chose a technical college and I never paid a penny for my education due to grants. All three of my siblings have huge college loans that they struggle with so I never once doubted my decision. I never lost a job due to my education or lack thereof. I don’t make less than my siblings because of it.

And even though I knew I’d do something with numbers, I never really had a dream job. I never said, “One day I will be a ______ at _______.” or anything like that. I never, ever thought beyond having a good paying job that I loved. Period.

Until now.

I still have a good paying job that I love. A full-time job in a professional government arena that I excel at…which allows me the time and ability to work on my other two part-time numbers jobs.

It’s an amazing place to work with amazing people and benefits and flexibility.

But the thing is – I’m comfortable. I can’t make this job any more efficient than I already have. There is no more to do. There are no challenges.

I wonder if it’ll be enough forever. It is for now because my kids are young and I don’t have the ability to do and be more right now but how about long term? I could go back to college for free but do I want to? Am I too scared and am I letting that fear dictate where I go in life? Can I really accept that this may be the top of the corporate ladder for me? Can I learn to stop comparing my career to other’s careers? Can I figure out what I really want?

Do I want to do and be more or stay comfortable? And can I live with my answer?

I’m not sure. What I do know is that I appreciate the part of me that is willing to ask the question. Maybe I won’t change a damn thing or maybe I will. I’m just glad I allow myself to think about it. If I stay here for the rest of my life – I want it to be a conscious choice….not a choice made out of fear of risk or fear of leaving my comfort zone.

Today I think it fits. I fit in this spot right here at these three desks I’ve attained for myself.

Yup – for today. I’m good.

Are you?  Do you allow yourself to ask the question or are you afraid of the answer?

Gluten-free for two weeks!

Today begins day 15 of being gluten-free.  I haven't cheated...but I thought I might have to.  Rambo and I were going out for supper - my FIRST eating out gluten-free experience.  I was scurrred.

We decided on Chinese.  Chicken is gluten-free.  White sauce is gluten-free.  Rice is gluten-free.

I was proud of myself but later on my stomach was very uncomfortable and swelling and it makes me wonder if my research was wrong or there was cross-contamination.  So I suppose lesson learned in the Chinese area of food for me. (anyone else gluten-free have Chinese food issues?)

I'm noticing more and more good things as the days pass.

As I've said before - I suffer from fatigue big time and I don't sleep well at night and so on the weekends, I can EASILY sleep in until 11am.  And still take a 2 to 3 hour nap in that same afternoon. 
Being tired never ends for me.

But this weekend - BOTH days - even though I didn't have to be...I was up at 9am Saturday (even after staying up LATE the night before) and 10am on Sunday.  I didn't even feel like sleeping any more.  And unbelievably - I didn't take a nap EITHER day. 

What the holy hell is going on?

Here might be the best thing of all.  STILL no migraine.  That means in 14 days I've had ONE people. 

Mother-effing-ONE.

Pre-gluten-free - by now I'd have had EIGHT as my average is about 4 a week.

Can you say holy shit?  It actually might piss me off.  Why?  Because if you knew the life and time I've wasted and MONEY I have spent in the last 5 years on ER visits and pain meds and days off work - you'd be pissed too.  That not one single doctor ever thought to suggest trying going gluten-free.  Really?

So I've pre-planned the week's meals with eggs, smoothies, chicken, broccoli, rice and potatoes. 
Oranges and lots of water.  Stuff like that.

Here's hoping I have another 2 weeks left in me!  So far, so good.


Friday, January 13, 2012

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

It’s Friiiiidddaayyy! That means it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! A little ditty you can participate in on Fridays to get to know your fellow blogger better and to give your blogging brain a break. Copy and paste to your own blog and ENJOY!!


Special thanks goes out to my fellow Jedi Kittens – Linda and Stef – for supplying me with every single question this week!

No theme today – just massively random!

1. Do you have a favorite traditional “birthday meal”? If yes – what is it and what is the meaning behind it?


I don’t have a “certain” meal but there is a definite meal tradition in our house. Meaning if it’s your birthday you pick the meal. If it’s your favorite or second favorite or whatever – doesn’t matter – what matters is your right to pick with no complaints allowed from others. Ha!

2. If you’ve lost weight, has your style changed since you lost weight? Or what's your dream purchase when you do lose weight/hit goal?

I remember the biggest change for me was right after I hit goal and had my tummy tuck. It wasn’t a certain item of clothing – but instead that I began to actually tuck in my shirts for the first time in like forever. It was really hard for me to stop buying things bigger – so as to hide things.

My mother and sister constantly yelled at me that I was wearing stuff too big and I just couldn’t see it…because it was so comfortable to me. I don’t really have any goal clothing. If I like it – I wear it…unless I look like a complete elephant in it.

I draw the line at elephant.

3. Pick one question of the following two to answer: Who is your favorite Muppet and why? Or who is your favorite Smurf and why?

Screw it – I’m answering both. What’s the smurf’s name that eats all the time and never ever gets fat? He’s constantly baking and making those cute cupcakes and never once does he so much as gain an ounce. That’s MY smurf.

And of course I love Miss Piggy for believing that she is the most beautiful, wanted sex symbol on this Earth and for never giving up on trying to land Kermit BUT I also really love the little shrimp that never talks and Mr. Beaker. Or wait – is Mr. Beaker the name of the shrimp? I can’t remember.

4. When you buy a lotion or after bath spray or body spray or candle (not perfume) – what’s the “flavor” you always find yourself loving the most?

For me – it’s always vanilla-y…like sugar cookies or cupcakes. If it’s not that, then it’s clean cotton – fresh from the dryer smell. Two faves – fo sho.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

Real life is - meh…fine. I really can’t even think of another word to describe it. Gluten-free is going well diet-wise.

Blogland is still good – many people sticking to diets and workouts and life goals so that is inspiring.


Have a great weekend Skittles!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

PWPs.....People With Penises.

Yup, another “P” word. At least this particular P word doesn’t smell bad.

Wait…I suppose it could. I mean, I imagine homeless lepers wouldn’t have rosey-smelling penises now would they?

Oh God. Moving on.

I had three PWP (People With Penises) moments yesterday that made me want to stick dull butter knives into my ears or use said butter knife to cut off said penises.

Moment #1

Actually this is kind of like two moments in one cuz it’s about multiple penises.


Rambo’s computer all of a sudden stopped working. After not being able to fix it myself using the power of Google, I take it into my IT Support guys.


I walk in – say it doesn’t work and all three men look up and ask, “How much porn is on it?” Immediately it’s their first thought. Porn. Which leads to porn virus. It’s inevitable according to them.

Shitballs. I’d like to say none but I’m not too confident in that answer soooo I just laugh it off….”Ha, ha, very funny – now fix the damn thing!”


I leave. I come back later.


I walk back in and say, “How’s it going?”


Support guy says to me, “The machine is clean. I can’t find any porn on it and I’m actually shocked. Especially since he’s a guy. You must be doing pretty well at home.”

Yup – these people are my CO-WORKERS. What do you say to that?


Do I act proud and say, “Well yes, I am good at doing MY OWN porn, thank you very much.”


Or?


Do I pretend to be appalled and yell, “Go wash your mouth out – I have no idea what porn even is!”


I’m stammering and turning 18 bazillion shades of Satan red when he then says, “Well, I’m not sure I should have worked on this considering the explicit pictures on his screensaver.”


I’m freaking out thinking what in the name of grasshopper dicks is on Rambo’s screensaver?


Why can’t he just be normal and look at normal porn?


So we glance at the screensaver pictures. And I’m beyond sick to my stomach. I want to D.I.E. right there on the floor of the IT room – WHERE I WORK!


It’s me. In a bikini. At Jenny’s house. Repeatedly. Mixed in with shots of our family and motorcycle things and heavy metal band names and oh – full screen pics of my entire back tattoo with no shirt on.


No – not a big deal. In ANY other setting but AT WORK.

Like I said, it could be worse – but come on - go ahead and imagine watching that and seeing that with the MEN you work with in a corporate, professional environment. Like every day.


I feel violated. And it’s my own damn fault. I asked for their help.

Jesus balls.

Only people with penises would point out such things as “no porn – you’re doing well at home” OR “I saw you almost naked multiple times” to their co-worker.


If this had been women – we all would have pretended we saw nothing. Right?

Moment #2


A manager stopped by my office yesterday and saw I had rice cakes on my desk. He picked them up. Asked if they tasted like cardboard. I said no.


He then asked if they kept me full. I said not really.


He said, “I’ve lost 7 pounds in the last 4 days.”


I wanted to scream – GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY OFFICE.


He says he cut calories and runs and hopes to lose another 3 in the next 3 days to make 10lbs in one week.


I tell him, “You do realize this only happens to those of you with appendages between your legs.”


He smiles and says, “Yup.”


Mother asshole. I hate his skinny ass. I seriously do.


If this had been a woman stopping in, she would have said something like, “For the last 5 days I’ve only eaten a multi-vitamin and I’ve GAINED 10 lbs. Maybe I should try these rice cake thingys.”

Moment #3

This actually happened a while ago but I just remembered it. My brother was staying at my house. He got up and took a shower downstairs. That is Rambo’s bathroom. All things manly. No girl dares enter there.


He comes upstairs and I say, “Did you find everything you needed?”

He says, “Yah, something is weird though. I took a shower but I smell like the woods or dirt. Nature-y or something.”

Uh yah…you nimrod. Try reading labels when you are in another MAN’s bathroom (or how about ANY bathroom that isn’t your own?). That’s hunting shampoo you used and it’s literally dirt scented. You might want to shower again before you go home.

Apparently penises make you illiterate (or blind)(or stupid) once in a while.


If this had been a woman – um duh – she’d have brought her OWN damn shampoo.

********************************************
There you have it! My little installment of PWP – People With Penises - moments.

Do you have any of your own? I’d love to hear them!

You can shove your trend you know where.

Gluten-free is the latest and greatest trend out there….so everyone is doing it.


That’s what I heard yesterday from someone. And truthfully? I wanted to punch them in the mouth and then rub peppers in their eyes. I can be a little mean when provoked.

See – the thing is – around here not a single person I know does gluten-free living as of just recently anyway. As far as it being a “new” trend – the only two people I do know that follow a gluten-free lifestyle do so because they have celiac disease – and um – they’ve had it for more then 30 years. Doesn’t sound new to me.

I do think that people and doctors are more aware now of gluten intolerance and allergies even when celiac disease isn’t the diagnosis. Instead of calling baby’s distended bellies and chronic crying “colic” – some doctors are thinking it’s gluten due to the fact that gluten is hard to digest – even for adults.

People desperate to find the trigger for such things as migraines are giving gluten-free a shot. Persons with chronic diarrhea or constipation are trying gluten-free because of the digestive issues gluten poses. Acne, fatigue, depression, mood changes, and a billion other things can be affected by gluten.

But automatically – people think this is a “trend” to lose weight. I’d like to point out that MANY people do NOT lose weight going gluten-free. Why?

Because today there is gluten-free bread, flour, cookies, cakes, pastries, candy and soda. I’m fairly convinced that there’s nothing you can’t eat on a gluten-free diet that you would otherwise. Do a little internet searching and you’ll find companies who strictly sell gluten-free products of every kind.

If I want to gain weight being gluten-free – I sure as hell can.

For me – I have lost weight BUT it’s because I’ve chosen not to buy gluten-free “junk” food most of the time. I’m trying to stay away from processed gluten-free stuff. That being said – Mountain Dew is already gluten-free. So are things like Cool Ranch Doritoes – and when I want to splurge – I’ll do so on those. MANY, many kinds of candy are gluten-free and always have been.

Trust me – I’ll get by. BUT I’m trying to do “healthy” gluten-free. And for me this diet – for the first time ever – is not about weight loss.

My stomach swells and hurts when I eat. I have adult acne so much that I take a daily antibiotic for it. I suffer from migraines up to 4 times a week. I’m on a preventive medication that I don’t want to be on for those. I rarely sleep through the night and never sleep restfully. I battle constant fatigue. All of these things leave no energy or will power to want to work out. The list goes on – one symptom perpetuates another.

Last night began Day 8 for me. And though they say it can take a full month to feel really true effects of going gluten-free….some feel it beginning on Day 4 already.

For me – Day 8 I finally felt “really” different. Like enough to stop what I was doing and think to myself, “Wow – I feel so different. Even well.  I wonder if this is actually working.”


Clear-headed. Focused.

And my God – I have energy. I worked out for an hour and it didn’t kill me. I still wasn’t tired. I even ran.

There are about 6 bags of my all time FAVORITE Valentine’s candy on my counter – which never ever in my life have I been able to resist before….of which I have also eaten more than one entire bag in a day….and there they sit.

Feeling like this – is worth not having those. They have traces of gluten.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been on a diet before whose effects were worth not cheating. Sad – but I’m being honest.

The only thing I miss right now is pizza – and I plan to remedy that with a gluten-free recipe. I am eating fruits and veggies daily. Lean meats like chicken and tilapia. And gluten-free isn’t carb-free. I’m eating a small potato or brown rice or yogurt or rice cakes.

Normally – I hit the snooze button at least 6 times every morning. Today – once…even though my sleep still isn’t great. (I hope that changes.)

I haven’t taken my acne antibiotic in 4 days – which by now would mean I’d start to see acne popping up. None so far.

Since I began gluten-free – I’ve had one migraine. I normally would have had about 4.

The constant swelling in my stomach is almost gone. I am not in pain every time I eat.

8 days done and already this. The next step is to get off migraine preventive meds, lower my blood pressure by losing more weight by finally having the mental and physical strength to exercise and lowering my cholesterol at the same time.

So to the person yesterday who rolled their eyes and told me this was just another “trend”. Well – you can take your trend and shove it. Up your gluten-filled ass that is.

While me? I’m gonna keep going – Day 9 awaits.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Glorious poop.

Hello. I am Me. Hater of all words that begin with P – namely poop, pee, puke and pressures (aka farts). Ever since I announced this hatred to the blogging world, Karma has graced my daily life with sightings of some type of P word.

Let’s take this little story for example.

Rambo happened to be home in the morning so I didn’t want to get out of bed. We were chatting. I was laying on my stomach and he was rubbing my back as we talked. At one point, he turned into a 12 year old and even spelled “I love you” onto my back with his index finger to see if I’d notice.

It’s the shit movies are made of, right?

Sure. Well that is until I made the cardinal error and proclaimed, “Ugh, I don’t want to get up and I’m going to be late.”

To which Rambo’s ass replied with the loudest, most disgusting pressure EVER.

I kid you not – I sprinted from the bed – so as not to get any “pressure” remnants on me. Because the only thing worse than hearing or smelling a “pressure” is sitting in it’s air.

As I hear Rambo laughing and yelling, Look at how fast you can go!”

Minutes later, he’s in the bathroom with me and he wants to hug me.
I say, “Get away from me. You probably smell.”

He says, “Oh baby, don’t you know the first one out of the box never smells? The second – maybe – but never the first.”

Seriously? And then he has the nerve to say, “Just think – if I won the lottery, you’d get to have all of this every morning cuz I wouldn’t go to work anymore.”

Remind me to stop praying that you win the lottery asshole.

You’d think that for the day that I’ve had enough of dealing with things that make me want to hurl after Rambo shits the bed but nope. You’d be wrong. I got to work and I get a text from Watermelon.

W: Mom. Dad says that to start a morning off great people should take a poop because he did take a poop and he is going on and on about it.

My only reply was: “Jesus.”

W: Yup. Dad thanked Jesus for his glorious poop also.

And I never heard from her again.

I’m not sure what’s worse. My 11 year saying “glorious poop” before 8am or her texting me SOLELY about poop.

What the hell is wrong with my family?

Come to find out later – Rambo was dancing in the hallway before his glorious poop – to the rhythm of that song “Whoop – there it is.” Remember that song?

He’s dancing and yelling, “I feel a poop coming on, I feel a poop coming on. Whoop – there it is. Whoop – there it is.”

As my daughters nearly go comatose from giggling.

When will they learn that poop is not funny?

All before 8am.

I can’t wait for Explosive Man to get to work.

Let the “shit” continue.

Gluten-free - Day 8 begins!

So far, so good my Skittles.

Not a whole lot to report on the G-free front – except – that I’m learning more each day and I’m a label-reading guru. I’ve added some new things to my meal plans.

I have found out I can eat:

Cornbread
syrup
Dried beef
Rice
Cream cheese
Rice cakes
Taco seasoning (certain brands)
Salsa (Tostitoes scoops are gluten-free)
Yogurt (Yoplait)

And the list goes on. At my local grocery store, I have found all the gluten-free flour I could ever need (for making gravy) and an entire gluten-free section of food.

This section of course, has good and bad. Oreo cookies and cookie mixes – all gluten free. Of which I didn’t buy any. I’m still trying to aim for mostly health – not just gluten-free.

Instead of eggs for breakfast, I’ve been making smoothies.
One cup of skim milk, one cup of yogurt and one cup of frozen berries. YUM!

I did buy gluten-free pasta to try.

Other than that – I’m sticking to the staples of brown rice, potatoes, chicken, tilapia and broccoli…and eggs.

Today begins day 8 and I’m down 3.5 pounds so that’s a nice bonus. I’ve been drinking tons of water and still taking magnesium and Vitamin D.

A surge in energy and the absence of migraines (except for the one) are the two major changes I’ve noticed. And not feeling sick after I eat.

3 more weeks to go!

Onward!



Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Wishes are like fairy tales.

I used to think that life was pretty black and white.

You know?

Live or die. Stay or go. Yes or no. Love or hate. Hot or cold. Alone or together.

Totally cut and dried. Black and white.

Now though? Every year that I grow older, every moment that I live through, every new memory that I make teaches me that black and white is blasphemy. A crock. A sham.

It can never be that simple.

I think people are bound to hurt other people – intentionally or not – based on deep seeded fears and ignorance. I suppose that sounds cynical but I’m sorry – it’s been my experience. I do, however, think love can conquer those hurts – if it wants to.

If the heart has the strength to forgive – even when it can’t forget.

There are things I’d have sworn on just months ago – that I wouldn’t now. There are judgements that I have made that I had no business making. Just when I’d seen it all and believed I’d been through hell and back and felt the deepest of pains – life happened – and every wound I ever had felt re-ripped open. Fresh. Aching. Gushing hurt that brought me to my knees and made me bitter. Cynical. Even doubtful.

I suppose it’s this way for everyone. We live life moment to moment and we flip from near perfection to near agony to somewhere in between….in between the shades of gray.

Tragedies strike in moments when even seconds before everything was okay.
Accidents. Deaths. Diagnoses. Betrayals. Job losses. Natural disasters.

All of them. Who the hell every predicts or expects them? We tell ourselves we can’t live like that….because that’s not really a life………waiting for the “axe to fall.”

But then it falls. And you’re in shock – because for years you’ve been telling yourself not to fear “the axe”.

Yet, when you least expect it, everything you know is ripped to shreds and falls to pieces. You wonder if anything you see is real or true. You throw up walls you thought you long ago had broken down. You feel defeated. You tell yourself the world is a cruel place and no one can be trusted.

It’s just easier to tell yourself that then to try to believe again. Believing again requires faith and hope.
And sometimes I just can’t conjure any of that up.

The thing is – when something happens and you feel like your soul has been shattered and your core is never going to be able to withstand the pain…you wake up and figure out that you did.

You didn’t melt or die or “lose it”. You may have felt like you did – but you didn’t. In the back of my mind, I hear a voice whispering, “Embrace the pain. There’s a reason for it. God is trying to teach you something – if you’ll only listen.”

If I stay the course and remain steadfast in my belief that everything happens for a reason – then I cannot break. Everything I’ve said and done and been a part of can’t be for nothing.

Life isn’t black and white. It’s a billion shades of gray mixed with laughter and pain. If you can’t see that – and behind your wall – you refuse to see anything but black and white – well then – when tragedy strikes, you won’t make it through.

The pain will eat you alive when it hits. And trust me – it will hit. In some way, shape or form – it will come. Pretending it won’t – for me – was just stupid. It was black and white thinking. 

No one can escape pain completely.   Really.  Who did I think I was?

And that’s not the point of pain anyway. It’s not meant to “eat you alive”.
The point of pain is to rise above it.
To conquer it. To be able to calm it, even mute it. To heal it.
To become better because of it – not in spite of it.

Past fears, hurts and agonies can define us and crush us and they can consume us – if we let them.
And it’s definitely a choice on how I let it define me – then and now.

Some days the choice is easy. Some days it isn’t.

It’s about letting go of the pain I pretended I'd never feel and deciding if my heart can live with my head if I decide to do just that.

It’s just never black and white.

I can’t believe I ever thought it was.

Life is so much more complicated than that. Or I suppose we’d never change or grow or evolve.

But I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that a part of me doesn’t mind not changing or growing or evolving –
if that meant I didn’t have to feel the pain.

I wish life was black and white. But wishes are like fairy tales.

And neither one really exists.

***********************************************

***Disclaimer....I'm fine.  Sometimes I just go to a dark place and need to write it out.  No worries!

Monday, January 9, 2012

A weekend in Care Bear Land.

Well - scratch that.  I believe I lived this weekend more like in Satan's armpit land.  I didn't see any fluffly clouds.  No one drove by in a cloud car with puffy clouds sputtering out of the pink muffler.  I haven't seen a f*cking Skittle in days.

The only thing keeping me alive is my IV drip of Mountain Dew. 

Wanna know why?

Um cuz - my girls have the flu.

Complete with puking.  Onto their parents.  Even knowing I cannot deal with such a thing.

I have slept with one eye open - fearing the heaving noise.  The possible puke coming.  It's like living in fear.

It's been hell.

The first night Banana had the good sense to puke on Rambo.  Like massively.  And though I didn't want to - after I started to gag - I laughed. Let me say to you that Rambo literally went outside to shake himself off.  My God - I can't believe I survived it.

I was praising the hating sinus Gods because I cannot smell anything - or I would have surely died. 

I did the hold their hair thing - as I turned my head away.  I rubbed backs during the convulsing like good moms are supposed to - as I hung my own head between my knees as I sat on the edge of the bathtub.

I prayed - that this would end.

As the dry heaving continued - I cursed every God ever known to man.

And as one of trips to the bathroom was over - Banana sat in my lap and looked at me out of the blue and said, "Mama - do I still have my kidneys?"

I smiled.  I wanted to say, "Yes, honey.  It may feel like you horked them up - but you did not."

Later on - in her little pale face with dark circles under her eyes - she wanted me to open some crackers for her.  She said, "Mama - I can't get these open...and it's devastating."

No baby - devastating is the puking.  Crackers not opening - well - that's just perfectly tolerable.

I'm ready to vacate Satan's armpit land.  It smells here.  Like a lot.

And yes - even through all of this - Karma has proven she still loves me.

Why, you ask?

Um - cuz - neither of my girls had diarrhea.

Praise Jesus.

G-free, Day 4, 5 & 6 of 30.

Day 4 - DONE
Day 5 - DONE
Day 6 - DONE

Not a single cheat my little lovebugs!  Not ONE!  I haven't had gluten in my body for 6 days!

I won't go through my entire menus for the days because if you haven't seen a pattern and guessed it - I'm a huge repeat eater.  I mean I eat the same things most every day and never tire of it. 

Sooo the last 3 days have had the normal - eggs, tilapia or chicken, potatoes, gravy and broccoli. 

A few new things were gluten-free bagel chips, cheese slices, air popped popcorn AND cool ranch Doritoes!

Yup - I said Doritoes!!!  Boo-yah!!!  I'm happier than a grasshopper with two dicks! 

Other than the soda (I know, I know), in 6 days I have ONLY had two starbursts in the form of sugar as far as candy and chocolate.  This, my friends, is UNHEARD of. 

I can eat entire LARGE bags of candy daily.  I'm pretty much a sugar addict.  It's crazy pants really.

Oh and get this - my family ordered out pizza.  Pizza.  You know - that stuff that I want to make blankets out of and wrap up in and eat myself silly?  And me?  I had none.  I didn't even smell it.  I stayed out of the room and left for girl's night.  I can tell you without a doubt that never in my life do I recall turning down pizza.  It nearly gave me a coronary. 

On to any mental and physical changes I've noticed:

Day 4 - after being out until 3am - I got up at 8am without a migraine and not exhausted.  Seriously people - this occurrence is cuh-razy.  Never, ever after being out until 3am would I first of all - get back up at 8am much less NOT have a migraine or need a nap by noon.  I am floored.  Just floored.

My upper abs are losing their swelling - slowly but surely.  I have not felt flu-ish or sick after eating once. 

Again, unheard of for me.

I am clear-headed.  On track and feeling good.

Day 6 found me feeling a little worn down - BUT - I know that it's due to my both my girls having the flu and I'm not getting the proper sleep.  Sooo - disappointing as it is - I got a migraine this day.  Pain pill kicked it.  I'm counting it as a success because normally - I'd have had a migraine 3 days in a row and so far - it's one and it's gone.

Rage on my G-free friends.

Friday, January 6, 2012

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

Duuuuuuuuudes….BYOC is back after a small holiday hiatus.


Yup, Bring Your Own Crazy returns! It is 5 little questions you can answer in your own blog to give your blogging brain a break and to get to know each other better.

Copy, paste and enjoy!

Let’s do a holiday/new year themed BYOC today!

1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

• I make them every year. Not resolutions exactly, but goals. I keep them in my planner so I literally have to look at them every day. I think it helps.

No matter what – NY’s goals are like a license to make a pretty list on pretty paper with a pretty pen….so there’s no way I’m not participating. Just call me a list whore. Or a Sharpie whore. Or a pretty paper whore. Oh fine – just go with all-around whore.

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

• I did put up a tree. One in the living room – and the theme was PINK. Pink ornaments and lights and the topper was a zebra Santa-like hat with pink fur on it with a pink tree skirt underneath. We also had a tree on our front porch. And each of our girls had a tiny one in their rooms.

• Sadly – every one of them is still up. I normally take it down the day after Cmas but this year I’ve been too busy. I hope to have them down this weekend.

3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

Six. I’m getting hives just remembering.

4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Summer! No school for my kiddos! 

We have some mini-family-vacations planned this summer but actually I’d have to say I’m most looking forward to the annual BOOBs blogger/lap band event in Chicago in September!

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

Real life has been exciting because of the gluten-free stuff I’m learning and researching and doing. I’m actually proud of myself! I’ve received so many comments and emails and testimonials in real life that it inspires me to keep going.

In blogland, I’m noticing a re-surge of bloggers who may have stopped for a bit and that’s always nice to reconnect. I’ve been following some new people too which I love. January in blogland is an exciting time….and I hope it continues.

Peace out, Skittles!

G-free, Day 3 of 30.

Day 3 of 30 is donezo! Here’s how G-free-3 went down!

2 eggs
2 pcs bacon
Mt. Dew

4oz chicken
1 very small potato
Broccoli
2 tbsp gluten-free gravy (cornstarch + chicken stock)

Grapes

2 thin slices of cheddar cheese – PM snack

** at this point in the day I’ve had approx 97g carbs and 67g protein. Damn Mt. Dew.
I have got to kick that habit and my protein would well exceed my carbs.

Supper - tilapia and 2 bites of a potato
Snack - air popped popcorn
******************************************

In 3 days time, as far as processed sugar goes – I’ve only had two Starburst (& obviously Mt. Dew). For me – Miss Sugar Addict of the Year – that’s huge. I am now fully aware that TONS of candies do NOT have gluten in them but I’m on a mission to be healthier all around – so I’m refraining.

Did I mention that there are Dove candies 2 feet from me and candy canes too and I haven’t touched them? Seriously. I’m in shock.

I took Magnesium and Vitamin D for supplements today.

As far as how I feel? I’d say today I feel “good”. I do not feel hungry. This morning I was a little dizzy but I’ve done some research on how fast a person starts to feel different or how the first few days go and of course – it’s different for everyone.

BUT the majority say at Day 4 a person can feel better. Noticeably.

Also – as each day passes it gets better.
And that for some it can take longer depending on how much gluten you had in you and how long your body takes to “detox” from it.

Just like caffeine and suger – your body can go through a sort of withdrawal.

So there’s that. Nothing too exciting.

Oh and um – I haven’t lost any weight.

Son of a bitch. I thought by today I’d be a size 2.

Geez.

I have to say this doesn’t seem too hard. Now – I may be saying that because it’s only Day 3 and I think I’m still cool at this point but you guys – the evidence – is so overwhelming. You cannot imagine the comments, emails and personal testaments I am getting when I tell people I’m doing this.

I’m fairly convinced that even without an intolerance diagnosis – that gluten isn’t good for anyone.
Goodness – that sounded a bit over the top, didn’t it?

I’ve never done a food experiment or elimination diet for my health – meaning migraines, fatigue, stomach issues.

I’ve always cut foods and gone on diets to lose weight first and foremost – and they never lasted.

This feels different. This feels “medical”. Prescribed even. By myself – el doctore.

And there’s this teeny voice in the back of my head – a little ray of hope – that’s whispering,
 “What if this works? I mean really works? Holy butt darts, can you even imagine what that would be like?”

So I forge on.

Anyway – remind me I said all this crazy ass shit when I’m whining on Day 15, mmkkaayy?