Do you ever take a look back at your past and wonder what the heck you have to show for it?
Not in the way of cars and houses or pairs of boots in your closet.
Do you ever let yourself think about your own mortality? Your own death.
I do. Death used to be such a taboo subject but now people pre-pick out their OWN flowers, their OWN music and their OWN casket. And to top if off – they PRE-PAY for all of that….before they are ever dead.
People in my town pre-pay and pick out their cemetery plot AND their headstones – while they are alive. My own parents have their names etched on headstones CURRENTLY – and they are alive.
If seeing a living person’s name on a headstone doesn’t freak you out – nothing much will. A couple letters etched in stone can feel like a physical knife in your heart if you aren’t prepared for it.
How do you feel about that? Do you plan to plan your own funeral? Pick out your songs and flowers?
Pre-pay for it? Design your own headstone?
Do you wonder who will come? I do. I wonder if I’ll get to know when I’m dying. Will it be tragic and sudden and I won’t get to know or will it be a medical diagnosis and I’ll have time to prepare?
Will I be able to make peace with death if I’m allowed to prepare for it?
I wonder if I touched any lives. Will something I said to someone in my life stay with them forever?
Will I be missed?
I also wonder what it’ll feel like to be gone for centuries. When my kid’s kid’s kid’s are gone and passed away and no one in the living world has ever seen my face or met me or heard my voice – what does that mean for my spirit?
What will it be like to be literally a name on a leaf in a family tree in some old book people rarely look at?
Will it matter – because hopefully by that time – every single person I love will be with me again.
Do you ever let yourself really think about if your time was tomorrow? I mean people talk about it living like today is your last all the time – but think about it – how many people do you know that really do that?
I wonder if I’ll regret. Will I wish I had done more, been more, said more…loved more?
I suppose some of it sounds egotistical but really – everyone wants to be loved and missed when they are gone. By many.
I’ve shut out a lot of people. Driven some away. Pushed others right out of my life. I’ve apologized for years for being me and I’ve tried to change myself at my core to please others.
But today I don’t do that anymore. I try to celebrate the true me and let the chips fall where they may.
I have no idea if that’s right or wrong….or if when I’m gone that I’ll have left any kind of impression or mark on this world. I simply hope so.
I know that I still can’t bring myself to buy a cemetery plot where I’ll be buried some day.
For some reason – that’s just too much. Too morbid. Too final.
I do, however, wonder if in 10 or so years, I’ll find myself with Rambo planning my funeral and his.
Does it matter – when I’ll be dead anyway?
I have no idea. I do know that knowing my last days have my final touch on them does seem intriguing. And the times where I’ve witnessed everything being done and paid for have been amazing for those left grieving. To not have to pick flowers and songs and caskets or pay for it – is a true blessing and allows those grieving – to simply grieve.
I want that for who I leave behind.
And I think I want that whole “celebrate life” theme. I think I’d like lots of balloons.
Bright ass flowers of every kind…from my own garden.
I want a pink or purple casket with teal lining. I want a picture of my girls and Rambo in that casket with me forever and the teddy bear Rambo gave me 20 years ago that I can’t sleep without.
I want to be buried in my most favorite, cutest, most comfiest PJs. No stuffy suit, thank you.
Part of pre-planning or thinking about it makes it a little less scary for me because I’ll be honest – some days it scares me to pieces. I just can’t comprehend it or understand it or wrap my head around the cycle of life sometimes.
But I can plan a party and hope the guests remember me when the party is over.
I know other people in my life who refuse to speak of their own death or do any planning.
They simply cannot. Not ever.
I get that and respect that.
How do you feel about it? Have you been to pre-planned and pre-paid for funerals? Been to any “celebrations of life” vs. funerals?
Do you think about how you’ll feel looking back? Will you regret or be at peace? Can you even talk about it now – while you are living?
I know this topic is pretty morbid for a Monday morning but this is what happens when I suffer from late night insomnia and my deep thinking takes over while I pray for sleep.
Lucky you guys, huh?