Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Raw dog and hives do NOT play nice together.

What do you get when you mix raw dog and a girl with major social anxiety?

You don’t want to know.

Seriously. You just don’t.

Remember I had an appreciation party to go to for the Village work that Rambo and I do? Remember how I said that they serve “raw dog” there? That would be RAW hamburger topped with RAW onions on top of RAW saltine crackers. Oh wait – the crackers aren’t really raw. You get the point. The shit ain’t cooked!

Well – they should also serve calamine lotion is what I say. The drive to the place is literally about 2 miles from my house and at mile #1 – my stomach started hurting. I said to Rambo, “Oh God – it hurts” as I plastered a smile on my face and walked in to the event.

Which was a room full of?


Only men.

I kid you not – I was the ONLY woman there….the whole night. I suppose if I was single and looking for a date – I’d have been in heaven in a room full of firemen, police officers and board members….minus the fact that about 75% of them are all sporting canes and hearing aids. Since I am, in fact, not single – it was just weird. I’m sure no one noticed that I was the only chick there BUT I did. I felt out of place to say the least.

Did I also mention my stomach hurt? And that all around me – grown men were eating raw ground beef?
Oh and that I was covered in hives?

Also that I lost my ever-loving mind and wore a damn wool sweater that was thick enough to keep an Eskimo warm and therefore – I was so hot I wanted to DIE.

Do you wanna know theee absolute BEST thing about being the only woman at an event?

When you want to throw up, shit your pants, itch the hives on your boobs or rip your sweater off so you can stop sweating for a millisecond – you can. In your very own bathroom. Without any worry that another woman will even walk in on you.

Ah, bliss.

Uninterrupted diarrhea followed by uninhibited hive scratching.

Jesus balls.

I’m a hot mess. Hot – literally – in fact…thanks to the wool sweater.

When the basketball game came on the big screen and the poker tables came out and they told me there was no dessert – I knew it was time to take my leave. Thankfully, Rambo agreed.

Now that it’s over - can I just say they should have served me prime rib laced in 24kt gold? I say this because last night I had my second board meeting of the week and I technically only went to this one to support Rambo. It was fun in that I got to officially nominate him for the Mayor position but not so fun in that there was yelling, raised voices, arguing, confusion, accusations and even resignations.

Politics suck donkey dicks sometimes.

I woke up with a migraine. Again.

I didn’t sleep at all. Again.

The meeting made me sick to my stomach. Again.

I should just live in a bathroom. I swear.

For the first time in the years that Rambo has served, he said to me, “I don’t know if this is worth it.”

For the first time in the years that I have served, I wondered if he was right.

The night wasn't a total bust. 
After the board meeting from hell, I did 63 minutes on the treadmill and Rambo did the elliptical. 
No excuses, right?


Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Have you considered you might have a food sensitivity? The stomach issue could definitely be stress, but it could be an allergy or gluten sensitivity. I'm guessing you keep a food journal to track the migraines? I really hope you figure it out!!

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

P.S. have you heard about "The Dark Side of the Rainbow" Skittles?

Marc said...

What a lovely story. Thank you for sharing:)

Connie O said...

I just don't understand how raw hamburger and raw onion express appreciation for ANYTHING.

I'm sorry you had such a rough evening--and morning. Kudos for getting on the treadmill anyway, because if you DID allow for excuses, you certainly had plenty.

Fit Mom said...

Good golly girl! Im sorry! Way to go for getting on the treadmill anyways though. And you can tell it was a men only (beside you event) because who the hell has dinner with no DESSERT???

jennxaz said...

Love that you took it out on the elliptical..I will ignore the potty reference :)

Hoot said...

Hmmm. "donkey dick" HAHAHAH. Yeah, I'd say things were very eventful. But you're right. No excuses!!!!

Sunshine's Heart said...

You have the most interesting stories, Draz. They really entertain me when I'm down. I know they aren't much fun for you but I am amazed at some of the situations you somehow survive. Take care of yourself. I'll see you around. :)

Sam said...

I have to agree with you on this one, I would broken out in hives as well if that was all I was offered!!! Congrats on still getting your work out done, you are doing yourself proud :o)

Cat said...

Sorry about your evening hon. The way you tell it is just hysterical though!

Sarah Kopf said...

Christ Jesus, woman... That sounds like a nightmare!

Sarah @ Thinfluenced

tz said...

I'm getting hives just reading about the raw meat dish....really? Along w/ Frickin fab at 40, have you also considered taking some probiotics? I tend to also have digestive issues of the loose kind and find that reducing gluten and taking a probiotic have helped a lot...reducing coffee helps too, but that's not happening (for me at least).