1-Returns. To be more clear - mostly the annoyed clerk behind the counter doing the return. I hate the look the clerk gives me that seems to be saying: “Nice. You’re returning a gift someone put a ton of thought into so you can get the cash and buy more purses, huh? Sleezeball.” I just want to scream: “Listen crotchface – my husband bought me these thongs in a size extra negative small! Does ANY part of me look small to you? I thought of using them for dental floss but dammit – you charged him $65 for this piece of string – so YES – I’m returning it! Now smile at me and act like you love me. Happy New Year ho-bag.”
2-Everyone at work goes from being all “Happy Holidays!” and smiley and gift-givey to hating life and hating being back at work after having so many days off. And worst of all – everyone stops bringing in cookies and fudge. WTF? The mood in the office right after Cmas is enough to make the Satan cry. It doesn’t help that everyone is bloated and 10 lbs heavier.
3-The whole “you better knock that off or Santa won’t come to you” threat is null and void for another 11 months.
4-We all have to go back to going to bed at a decent time instead of staying up until the wee hours of the night watching
5-The week after Cmas you’re forced to use or wear all the Cmas gifts your family –or mainly Rambo- got you. That would include a gorgeous bra from VS that makes your boobs so big and poofy that your sweatshirt no longer zips. Do people really wear these suckers every day? I mean the girls are so “pushed up” that I could lick my own boobs all day if I wanted. Rambo struts around saying, “Man, can I pick out a Cmas gift or what?” I wore the damn thing grocery shopping and felt like a confused hooker. My boobs were all pushed up and perky and huge…under my mom sweatpants and a hoodie. I’ll admit – the damn thing does work. Rambo came home from work and though it nearly killed me, I was waiting at the top of the steps for him in the damn contraption. I think he liked it. I’m not sure. I couldn’t see his face. My over pushed up boobs were covering my eyes.
6-There is NUSSING on TV. Like NUSSING. It’s sooo aggravating for people like me who like to never stop watching TV. Christ. Just last night I had to get on the treadmill to break up the monotony of Cake Boss reruns. I decided later to continue my White Cmas movie marathon so I could pretend it was still around December 23rd and everything was right in the world.
7-Fiscal cliffs and income tax prep and property taxes all seem to sprout their ugly heads in January. Which blows. Like a fat baby’s ass.
8-I make all sorts of resolutions about exercising and being healthy and then I spend every day working out like a maniac and pre-planning all my meals. This is a relatively good thing but it isn’t fun. At. All. I want to go back to about Dec. 20th when I was shoveling in sugar cookies followed by Mt. Dew because it was totally acceptable because I could say “I’ll start getting healthy on Jan 1 – not now.”
9-Nothing fits in January. Because I spent all of December using the above line. December is a free-for-all! What the hell would I have to work towards in January if I didn’t gain weight in December?
10-Un-decorating. Let’s face it – it’s the worst part of Cmas. It’s depressing as hell and if it didn’t make me look
Bring on February. January sucks balls. Don’t you think?