Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Top Ten Things I Hate About January.


1-Returns. To be more clear - mostly the annoyed clerk behind the counter doing the return. I hate the look the clerk gives me that seems to be saying: “Nice. You’re returning a gift someone put a ton of thought into so you can get the cash and buy more purses, huh? Sleezeball.” I just want to scream: “Listen crotchface – my husband bought me these thongs in a size extra negative small! Does ANY part of me look small to you? I thought of using them for dental floss but dammit – you charged him $65 for this piece of string – so YES – I’m returning it! Now smile at me and act like you love me. Happy New Year ho-bag.”

2-Everyone at work goes from being all “Happy Holidays!” and smiley and gift-givey to hating life and hating being back at work after having so many days off. And worst of all – everyone stops bringing in cookies and fudge. WTF? The mood in the office right after Cmas is enough to make the Satan cry. It doesn’t help that everyone is bloated and 10 lbs heavier.

3-The whole “you better knock that off or Santa won’t come to you” threat is null and void for another 11 months.

4-We all have to go back to going to bed at a decent time instead of staying up until the wee hours of the night watching Honey BooBoo historical, educational documentaries because we know we can sleep in until 10 and take a nap at noon. I just described every day of my life for the past 2 weeks. Be jealous. I’m jealous of myself.

5-The week after Cmas you’re forced to use or wear all the Cmas gifts your family –or mainly Rambo- got you. That would include a gorgeous bra from VS that makes your boobs so big and poofy that your sweatshirt no longer zips. Do people really wear these suckers every day? I mean the girls are so “pushed up” that I could lick my own boobs all day if I wanted. Rambo struts around saying, “Man, can I pick out a Cmas gift or what?” I wore the damn thing grocery shopping and felt like a confused hooker. My boobs were all pushed up and perky and huge…under my mom sweatpants and a hoodie. I’ll admit – the damn thing does work. Rambo came home from work and though it nearly killed me, I was waiting at the top of the steps for him in the damn contraption. I think he liked it. I’m not sure. I couldn’t see his face. My over pushed up boobs were covering my eyes.

6-There is NUSSING on TV. Like NUSSING. It’s sooo aggravating for people like me who like to never stop watching TV. Christ. Just last night I had to get on the treadmill to break up the monotony of Cake Boss reruns. I decided later to continue my White Cmas movie marathon so I could pretend it was still around December 23rd and everything was right in the world.

7-Fiscal cliffs and income tax prep and property taxes all seem to sprout their ugly heads in January. Which blows. Like a fat baby’s ass.

8-I make all sorts of resolutions about exercising and being healthy and then I spend every day working out like a maniac and pre-planning all my meals. This is a relatively good thing but it isn’t fun. At. All. I want to go back to about Dec. 20th when I was shoveling in sugar cookies followed by Mt. Dew because it was totally acceptable because I could say “I’ll start getting healthy on Jan 1 – not now.”

9-Nothing fits in January. Because I spent all of December using the above line. December is a free-for-all! What the hell would I have to work towards in January if I didn’t gain weight in December?

10-Un-decorating. Let’s face it – it’s the worst part of Cmas. It’s depressing as hell and if it didn’t make me look more insane, I’d cry through the whole process. I love being back to normal but really – is there anything better than Cmas lights on a tree glowing in your living room each night when you get home? I think not. Unless it’s a Coach purse wrapped in Cmas lights. That would totally work for me too.

Bring on February. January sucks balls. Don’t you think?

14 comments:

Kelliann said...

I totally agree. There is NOTHING even remotely lovely about January. And frankly, I can't think of anything lovely about February, either, because I will not be indulging in chocolate-y treats on 2/14. Dammit.

Cat said...

HAHA! Your comments about your presents from Rambo and him strutting around crowing that he can really pick 'em (gifts) is hysterical. Yes, I'm wearing a scarf from G this year today. We have to wear the stuff to prove we love them. : )

I really do love this scarf though. /nod

RockBand Barbie said...

You are totally right....there is NOTHING on tv! I caught up on my DVR the first few days of Christmas break. Now I have no excuses as to why I am not cleaning and doing laundry...except that I am lazy :) You can be jealous of me now...I still have 4 days left of my stay in big butt pj's and sleep till noon break :)

FitBy40 said...

At least Rambo is a doer! My husband spent a long time bitching and moaning on Christmas because my MIL bought me flannel pajamas, and footie pajamas. I told him there's nothing in this world stopping him from buying me the kind of pajamas he'd like to see me wear! the look on his face was priceless. He'd never thought of that. I can't wait to see what happens on V-day.

BEE said...

agreed with the whole post

Angelwithatwist said...

Sweetie all of my bras cause that issue for me, and they are not from VS and far from push up..I haven't seen my feet since I was 14 except for during labor and they were in the stirrups.. Just sayin'. Other than that yep I agree about it all.

Miesha Roshawn said...

OMG you crack me up!! In the store looking like a confused hooker!!

MandaPanda said...

Hubby got me a bra like that last year and I've worn it twice. It's just too much!

Robyn's Nest said...

I can always count on you to make me smile (even in January).

Katy said...

I agree; January is just no good. I hate taking down my Christmas decorations and secretly wish that an elf would just come and take care of everything for me. And by elf, I clearly mean my husband. Come on Spring!

Leigh C. said...

I concur...and laugh out loud again! Thanks for the laughs:)

Karrie said...

Amen times 10!!
I love the bra comments! I am seriously cracking up! Maybe I need to go get a VS bra, I need some "push upage" although my 4 year old son told me my cleavage looks like a butt. Ummm, thanks?!

Joanna said...

I couldn't have said it better myself! I feel exactly the same way about each of these. :(

Laura Belle said...

Holy catballs. So much of this made me giggle. Like the whole going back to work thing! So true! It's like the zombie apocalypse minus chocolate around here.

And the bra thing! Bawahaha!!! Yes. I know EXACTLY what you mean right now! I need to go shopping. And nix the padding. Like stat.

But if we can hang on for another few weeks, then it's V-Day! CHOCOLATE FOR EVERYONE ALL MONTH LONG!!!!!!