Monday, February 11, 2013

Thee absolute worst question I have ever been asked.


I bet most of you think this has something to do with weight…but you’d be wrong.

About a week ago – I was asked this question over instant chat on Facebook…and I nearly lost my shit and fell off my chair and hyperventilated – all at once.

There was no “Hi there. Hello. Or how have you been?” Just this doozy:

So how did the over-sized purple dildo with the suction cup work for you last night????

Now…let’s back up. Here are some facts about this question that make it simply horrid.

I don’t own such a thing so I can’t even find a good way to answer this question. I don’t often talk about big purple dildos (hence the hyperventilating) AND if the question hadn’t been asked by this certain person in my life – I might not have fallen off my chair.

Who asked me this you’re wondering?

MY BROTHER.

By mother-effing accident.

Just take a second and imagine minding your own business on Facebook and your brother pops in whom you haven’t spoken to in months and asks THAT question. Imagine the feeling you’d get. Come on. Do it. Not very fun, is it?

He typed in the question in the chat box – like I said – with no hello or anything.

I typed back (after I composed myself)WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???

To which he replied sheepishly, “Oh shit. I didn’t look at who I was typing to and thought you were a friend of mine. She went to one of those stupid sex toy parties last night and I was giving her crap that she was going to buy a big purple dick that you could stick to your table. Um. Ooops. Sorry. It’s kind of funny though, huh?”

Um – NO. It’s the most awful thing I’ve ever talked with you about. We have to stop. NOW.

Maybe there are those of you who discuss such things or your sex life with your siblings but let’s all recap my relationships with my siblings. We see each other rarely and talk even less than that. We NEVER speak of shit like this much less the damn weather outside.

This was 50 shades of cray-cray like I’ve never been a part of. It scared me for weeks. Seriously.

Also, might I add that lately, due to that crotchface, Aunt Flo…I have the will power of an ant. I have been fighting the insane urge to BINGE bad. For the first time since the first of the year, I gave in a little and didn’t eat so great. I think also for the first time, I may post a gain or no loss tomorrow on weigh-in day.

It chaps my ass. I’m pissed. Pissed not in a sad way but pissed in a “I’m not going to put up with this shit or these excuses” kind of pissed. But you’ve been warned – tomorrow’s weigh in post might be pretty shanky.

Let’s end with a prison story. Because it’s fun, sort of.

Yesterday, an inmate called Rambo to his cell and handed him a bag of cereal and said, “My cereal bag was open when I got it. I was on the toilet when you sent it in so I couldn’t check it right away. I need a new one.”

Rambo looked at the bag and said, “You’re lying. I would have noticed a bag of this much cereal unsealed. What’s going on?”

The inmate insisted that is how the bag of cereal came to him.

Rambo went back to the security suite and replayed the video tape of just minutes before. It showed the inmate getting his cereal, opening the bag and pouring it into his bowl, spreading peanut butter on his bread and then accidentally knocking his cereal bowl onto the floor. It then shows him scooping up all the cereal from the floor and putting it back in the bag and calling Rambo.

Um, yah. Busted. Idiot.

Rambo goes back to the inmate and says, “Listen. This is what I know happened and now you aren’t getting any cereal and you’re getting written up for lying.”

The inmate is pissed and continues to scream over and over, “When I got the bag it was opened. That’s how I got the bag!!”

Good God – how dumb can you be? You’re ON TAPE idiot! Yet – he still screams that the tape is wrong.

It’s just sad sometimes the way their incarcerated brains work. Rambo says that had the inmate told the truth, Rambo would have definitely given him a new bag of cereal….but a man who has been in prison most of his life doesn’t understand the concept of truth.

And cereal is precious commodity to him. It’s all he has.

Little things like this are why inmates hate guards. Yesterday Rambo took away that inmate’s only moment of ownership and joy and gave him 5 days of segregration and no electronics for a week because of it.

The whole thing sucks.

*sigh*

I'm just a bundle of fun today, aren't I? 

Mondays suck donkey balls. 

The end.

8 comments:

Fit Mom said...

ROFL...big purple dildo..OMG! Could you imagine? Wait...that is probably why you landed on the floor.

Ok and dont be sorry for not eating great. I had a TERRIBLE weekend. I think I went a little cray cray myself. Today is a new day though. And if you did gain, it is probably water so just work your ass off and lose more next week. You can do it!

And poor Rambo. Those guys sound insane. Story was sort of funny but the guy probably has lied so much that he believes that is what truly happened. Sad.

Luv ya lots and no shanking tomorrow no matter the outcome.

Terrie said...

You will never get that image out. Makes you want to poke out your mind's eye.

Kelly said...

OMG - if my brother had asked me that, I would've needed to be medicated & hospitalized.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

My sisters and I can talk to each other like that, however, NOT with my brothers. My mom even chimes in sometimes!

FitBy40 said...

I have a brother who is a lifetime drug addict. I can tell you that everything that happens to him is someone else's fault, and we should all feel sorry for him for his poor, pitiful life. It's exhausting! I can totally relate to the inmate situation. I've lived that story, but it's usually aout more than cereal. *sigh*
You're entitled to a fall off the wagon day. you'll be back on board tomorrow!

jennxaz said...

...lol...rofl..that had me in stiches...now what are you going to change in your routine next week to show a drop...you got to up the ante next week....hugs!

Angelwithatwist said...

I am sorry I would have HAD to fly back with I don't know I thought you took it home with you last visit cause I haven't seen it since Christmas. I just would have had too.

LDswims said...

If I had a brother I know I would not talk about such things with him. Same with a sister. But if my brother whom I didn't talk about such things with suddenly popped up on facebook asking about that - I'd laugh my ass off - and I'd still be laughing days later. Thas funny. Thas sum funny shite!

With a stranger - mortifying. Family? Laughter is the only way to heal.

(Probably cause something similar happened with an aunt. And it was funny. For years.)

How's this for weird, though. I have a friend who used to host such parties. Not only did she invite her friends, like me, who she thought would be interested. She invited her SIL and MIL. If talking about such things with a brother are off limits (as they should be), MIL's are even more off limits. Ugh. We used to give her such crap for that. She hosted multiple parties - and the MIL and SIL were always invited. Worst? They actually came. And the three women would cackle in the kitchen about which toys were the best. Seriously. This is your husbands mom. She doesn't need to know what her son is doing to you or you to him. Seriously. Make it stop. I'm still grossed out.

Or going to a party like that with your mom? SIL is MIL's daughter in this case. Seriously? Sitting next to your mom comparing notes?

iuordhogi;weufodjnbklrs,l

grody.

:)

As for binging. Own it.

Member me?

Finally, poor Rambo. I would get so tired of always having to double check people like that. I like my world where when someone tells me their bag of cereal was already open (cause that happens to me all the time), I can trust them. For the random folks who manage to pull one over on me, well, it's very few and far between so it doesn't have to make me not trust all. I could not do what Rambo does. I don't want to be jaded.