I bet most of you think this has something to do with weight…but you’d be wrong.
About a week ago – I was asked this question over instant chat on Facebook…and I nearly lost my shit and fell off my chair and hyperventilated – all at once.
There was no “Hi there. Hello. Or how have you been?” Just this doozy:
So how did the over-sized purple dildo with the suction cup work for you last night????
Now…let’s back up. Here are some facts about this question that make it simply horrid.
I don’t own such a thing so I can’t even find a good way to answer this question. I don’t often talk about big purple dildos (hence the hyperventilating) AND if the question hadn’t been asked by this certain person in my life – I might not have fallen off my chair.
Who asked me this you’re wondering?
By mother-effing accident.
Just take a second and imagine minding your own business on Facebook and your brother pops in whom you haven’t spoken to in months and asks THAT question. Imagine the feeling you’d get. Come on. Do it. Not very fun, is it?
He typed in the question in the chat box – like I said – with no hello or anything.
I typed back (after I composed myself) – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???
To which he replied sheepishly, “Oh shit. I didn’t look at who I was typing to and thought you were a friend of mine. She went to one of those stupid sex toy parties last night and I was giving her crap that she was going to buy a big purple dick that you could stick to your table. Um. Ooops. Sorry. It’s kind of funny though, huh?”
Um – NO. It’s the most awful thing I’ve ever talked with you about. We have to stop. NOW.
Maybe there are those of you who discuss such things or your sex life with your siblings but let’s all recap my relationships with my siblings. We see each other rarely and talk even less than that. We NEVER speak of shit like this much less the damn weather outside.
This was 50 shades of cray-cray like I’ve never been a part of. It scared me for weeks. Seriously.
Also, might I add that lately, due to that crotchface, Aunt Flo…I have the will power of an ant. I have been fighting the insane urge to BINGE bad. For the first time since the first of the year, I gave in a little and didn’t eat so great. I think also for the first time, I may post a gain or no loss tomorrow on weigh-in day.
It chaps my ass. I’m pissed. Pissed not in a sad way but pissed in a “I’m not going to put up with this shit or these excuses” kind of pissed. But you’ve been warned – tomorrow’s weigh in post might be pretty shanky.
Let’s end with a prison story. Because it’s fun, sort of.
Yesterday, an inmate called Rambo to his cell and handed him a bag of cereal and said, “My cereal bag was open when I got it. I was on the toilet when you sent it in so I couldn’t check it right away. I need a new one.”
Rambo looked at the bag and said, “You’re lying. I would have noticed a bag of this much cereal unsealed. What’s going on?”
The inmate insisted that is how the bag of cereal came to him.
Rambo went back to the security suite and replayed the video tape of just minutes before. It showed the inmate getting his cereal, opening the bag and pouring it into his bowl, spreading peanut butter on his bread and then accidentally knocking his cereal bowl onto the floor. It then shows him scooping up all the cereal from the floor and putting it back in the bag and calling Rambo.
Um, yah. Busted. Idiot.
Rambo goes back to the inmate and says, “Listen. This is what I know happened and now you aren’t getting any cereal and you’re getting written up for lying.”
The inmate is pissed and continues to scream over and over, “When I got the bag it was opened. That’s how I got the bag!!”
Good God – how dumb can you be? You’re ON TAPE idiot! Yet – he still screams that the tape is wrong.
It’s just sad sometimes the way their incarcerated brains work. Rambo says that had the inmate told the truth, Rambo would have definitely given him a new bag of cereal….but a man who has been in prison most of his life doesn’t understand the concept of truth.
And cereal is precious commodity to him. It’s all he has.
Little things like this are why inmates hate guards. Yesterday Rambo took away that inmate’s only moment of ownership and joy and gave him 5 days of segregration and no electronics for a week because of it.
The whole thing sucks.
I'm just a bundle of fun today, aren't I?
Mondays suck donkey balls.