Friday, February 22, 2013

Would you like your genitals ICY or HOT?

Or how about neither?

Some nights before I go to bed, I think, “Holy chicken turds. What on earth am I going to blog about tomorrow?” Then I do something incredibly stupid and potentially dangerous and instead of the first thing that I yell being, “OUCH” or “Call 911” or “I’m dying!”….nope – my very FIRST thought is:
YES – I can totally blog about this!

So here we go. I can’t make this shit up if I tried.

Last night I took a bath. I shined and shaved myself up all pretty like. I got out of the bath. Right before I could do my ritual of inspecting my work and lathering up every part of me with lotion, Rambo came in and said he needed help with something in the kitchen.

I go out to the kitchen naked.
He’s standing there naked.
He's trying to rub ICY HOT on his lower back until I take over because he hurt his back in the semi today.

And yes – we’re naked a lot. It’s very free-ing. You should try it.
And yes – our kids were in bed so Rambo’s parts weren’t just dangling about in front of them.
Tis just for muwah.

Anyway – I rub the ICY HOT into his back. I walk away smelling like an 80 year old man’s knee joint. That lovely pepperminty I’m old as hell medicinal smell that we all love.

I go back into the bathroom to finish my inspecting and lathering up routine. I look down at my shaving job in the nether regions and I’m pissed. I missed a freaking spot. So naturally I check it out further and make sure I didn’t miss more.

AND HOLY SHIT A BRICK PEOPLE.

I still have ICY HOT on my mother-f*cking hands!!!

My vagina starts to tingle like it’s freezing. Then it burns.

You know? ICY HOT!

What have I done?

Then I stand there with my legs crossed holding my hoohaa like when a little kid says they have to go pee bad. That’s how I’m standing when Rambo walks in.

I say, “I think I ruined my vagina.”

He just looks…um..horrified. And confused.

I explain that I just ICEY-HOT-ted my vagina.

He of course, being the super smart man that he is says, “You’re supposed to wash your hands after you use ICY HOT! Wipe it off - quick.” I think he was getting a little scared at this point.

I yelled, “I tried that. It’s in my skin you heifer. OMG – what if I burned or froze off my vagina? I will die of embarrassment if I have to go to a doctor for this.”

He says, “Calm down. You’ll be fine.”

"Easy for you to say. Your penis isn’t on fire."
He’d have been loaded in an ambulance already had it been him.

I’ve now become the person that the manufacturer has to write stupid ass warning labels for. You know the ones on hot coffee that say, “Coffee is hot. Do not pour onto your leg and then attempt to sue us.”

Or “do not dip the hair dryer in bath water prior to using or YOU’LL EXPLODE you dumb ass.”

Or “do not stick a knife into the toaster to get your poptart out or you will be ELECTRICUTED you moron.”

Yah – those warnings that other people think are stupid – are for people like me.

Like the one on the ICY HOT package that says, “Do not put this on your genitals. It won’t feel good. In fact, your genitals will shrivel up and fall off. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

I went to bed holding my vagizzle. I told Rambo there was no way we were having sex because if any kind of friction touched me there I was sure the whole thing would explode into giant flames and there was no way I was explaining that to the 911 operator that I probably went to high school with.

He agreed.

My vagina stopped burning after a while.

Now it just smells like a 90 year old woman in a wheelchair.

At least it didn’t fall off.

Oh and Rambo’s back? Totally feels better.

Sue me if I could care less.

16 comments:

Michelle said...

You never make me fail to laugh! :)

Angelwithatwist said...

So trying not to laugh and failing miserably. I laugh because I have done that, and it is not fun. Next time just have Rambo eat a cough drop and you have much the same effect without the long lasting effectiveness.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

You could have had sex. It's just that the earth would not have moved for you, being numb and all. Believe it or not, there's some of that shit in the KY Yours and Mine lubes.

LDswims said...

bahahahahaha

ILUM

Kelly said...

At least you did not lose your vagina this time. Next time, might not be so lucky. ;-)

Joanna said...

Oh Em Gee...The first thing I thought when I started reading is the whole warning label issue. I'm sure it wasn't funny when it happened.. but totally writing gold now!

You are freakin' hilarious!!

Fit Mom said...

First HAHAHAHAHA!!

Second SO sorry! If you wanted to try something different in the sack I wouldnt have suggested the Icy-hot. They have other similar things for that. LOL

Glad it stopped burning.

Glad your Va-jay-jay didnt shrivel up and fall off...

But you always make me smile.

jennxaz said...

lol I did something similar while cooking with jalepenos and then going potty...it was not pretty

BandedIceGirl said...

ouch feel like a total bastard for laughing at this. It does remind me of my father in law who once stayed at our house and accidentally used Deep Heat (simular to Icy hot or so says wikipedia) as a toothpaste. I almost died from laughter after he told us what he did.

Connie O said...

I'm glad you took your time setting the scene and giving us the background. Timing is everything in comedy! ;)

Sunshine's Heart said...

This provoked one of my few laughs today. You really cheered me up with your misadventures. I'm sorry you were hurt though.

Cat said...

I just pictured you reading and doing an editing job on this post and chuckling lightly to yourself as you click "Publish" and thinking...Oh boy, I'm gonna get them all smiling with this one. : ) /heart

FitBy40 said...

This is totally something I would do, and my husband would stand there and laugh at me!
So glad it's better today my dear.

Sarah Kopf said...

I just died! Lol! That is hilarious! I'm sorry it happened, but holy hell I nearly peed my pants!

Sarah
www.thinfluenced.com

Banded Strong said...

Oh I am so sorry this happened to you! But OMG I think I peed a little reading this I was laughing so hard!

Tina said...

too funny..you know They sell stuff like that for use there on purpose right? Ky is the brand..:) You don't have to go resorting to the icy hot next time :) I am glad you are both feeling better.