I’m feeling a little WTF-ish so Ima gonna do a WTF Wednesday post.
-A grown ass woman that I work with had on a black skirt with a black blazer, bright RED high tops (no – I’m not kidding you) AND a pin on her blazer. The pin was of Tinkerbell. Yes, like Tinkerbell – the flying fairy cartoon – back from when I was 4 years old. WTF!!! I can’t understand this. I mean – who gets up in the morning and says, “hmmm – these red high tops go great with this black pencil skirt and I’ll add this Tinkerbell pin to spice it up.”? Tell me who? I am not a fan of adults who wear cartoon-ish things. Shut up. Hello Kitty is not a cartoon. This rule doesn’t apply to me.
-Do you want to know why more people eat chips than fruits? Because. To eat a chip all you have to do is open a bag and instantly you can chow down. Fruit? No – fruit has to be difficult. It can take me 10 minutes to peel or try to spoon out a grapefruit and it’s a MESS. Orange? Same thing. Makes a mess, I’m all sticky and it takes too long. Peeling an apple. Not fun. Annoying banana peel that is left behind and smells. So damn inconvenient. Stupid fruits. WTF. (Yes, I am aware that they come pre-peeled. Too expensive and then I have nothing to bitch about so just roll with me here.)
-Whoever named little candy bars “fun-sized” should be shanked. Those are not FUN sized. They are TEASE-sized. A reminder that you shouldn’t eat a full candy bar-sized. Your ass is huge so you can only have this small candy bar-sized. You’re on a diet-sized. Still contains a billion calories-sized. I mean WTF. Seriously. They are not fun – unless you eat 16 of them.
-WhoTF ever told Barbara Streisand she could sing? They keep playing her songs on the radio in my office and I want to scratch my eyes out and shank her in her gigantic nose. It’s like Michael Bolton and Rod Stewart…they can’t sing. They are famous for their ridiculous physical thingys – like their crazy hair and big noses. But carry a tune? OMG – help me.
-I had on mint green jeggings the other day and I was sitting down – so they of course were tight against my thigh – as all pants are when you sit. I asked the woman (who shall remain unnamed) next to me what she thought of them. She said, “I prefer my jeggings to be less tight – you know – for girls like us.” WTF does that mean? Girls like us??? Us as in fat girls? What are you saying? I shanked her…in my head at least.
-Here is parenting in a nutshell. Banana asked for rice – plain. I gave it to her. She said, “Mom, can I have a little gravy?” I got back up and got gravy, warmed it up and gave it back to her and sat back down. She said, “Mom, can I have a little more gravy but not too much?” I got back up and got more gravy, warmed it up and gave it back to her and sat back down. She said, “Mom, there’s too much gravy. I can’t eat this. Can you make me something else?” I shanked her, told her to eat dirt and then had a nervous breakdown. I mean WTF!? The morale of the story is: Never have kids….much less cute ones that you can’t say no to. You’ll just end up shanking them.
-Rambo got me an early Valentine’s present. A white Chevy Tahoe….because I’ve wanted one forever. It came with a DVD player in the back and a moon roof AND he made them put remote start on it for free. That boy kinda rocks if you ask me. And I know that this is not the gift he has been telling me he has had for me for weeks. I still haven’t gotten him anything but a card. I suck. WTF is wrong with me? (don't answer that.)