Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Eating yogurt dressed in leather.

For those of you who think that I’ve come really close to conquering my social anxiety issues…wellll…let me burst your bubble. I ain’t even close.

This weekend Rambo and I had a birthday party to go to. It was with all of our motorcycle club friends. We were going to take a fat, naked nap and then go shopping before the party and I knew we’d also stop and get some frozen yogurt too. We’d sit on the bright orange couches in there like love drunk teenagers while we ate it and life would be perfect for just a moment.

I wasn’t nervous for the party. That’s pretty strange, isn’t it? I have no idea why. I knew that I’d only know just a few people there but I just wasn’t scared. Bikers are some of the strangest and sometimes scariest looking people BUT they are also the most non-judgemental and welcoming people that I know. Probably because they’ve been judged all their lives.

I got ready. Dressed up in my newest Harley duds. Went shopping while people stared at me and Rambo like we were idiots because we kind of looked bad ass.

Rambo didn’t wear a coat and wore one of his tighter HD shirts so he looked especially buff and had just shaved his whole head and had his riding boots on too. His shirt was short sleeved so all his arm tats were visible. He can be intimidating looking if you don’t know him.

I was feeling pretty good about myself and my non-hived body until we pulled into the yogurt place’s parking lot.

In the window, I could see that there was a couple from town in there with their daughter.
A nice couple.
 A couple I really like.

I grabbed Rambo’s hand and said, “Forget it – let’s go to Kohl’s first. I’m sorry.”

He was all like WTH? We’re here. I thought you wanted yogurt now.

Um yah. I did. Buuuuttt – I just saw so and so and I don’t want to see them or talk to them. Please.

Ugh. I let social anxiety win that time. I just wasn’t confident enough to walk in there like that and explain myself. Throw me into the party where every single man is wearing leather and tattoos and chaps and boots and I’m good. I FIT IN.

Walk me into a bright, open, family oriented yogurt place filled with kids and families next to my biker husband and we stick out like a sore thumb. We just do. That’s out of my element enough already. Don’t mix in knowing someone there and having to make small talk and be okay.

I can’t do it. I didn’t do it.

I was disappointed in myself that I made Rambo drive away. And relieved at the same time.

I can’t even keep up with my own mood swings. Who the hell knows how Rambo does it?

Beyond that – the weekend was perfect. It’s Rambo’s last literal day off for another 40 some days so Sunday was bittersweet. We didn’t want it to end. We took lots of fat, naked naps and hung out and worked out and just lived like a normal family on a weekend.

Except it’s not normal. It’s rare and it won’t happen again for at least 5 weeks.

One of us needs to win the lottery STAT. Rambo asked if he could stick me in his pocket and take me with him when he went back to work and I told him I’m just not thin enough for that yet. We gotta stick to winning the lottery.

It’s our only shot.


Sarah Kopf said...

It happens, girl! Dust yourself off; next time is another try, mmmmmkay? Besides Kohls is awesome. (What'd you get me? lol)


Darlin1 said...

I'm with you....if I had seen those (nice) people sitting in the window, I wouldn't go in either!


Marc said...

I used to belong to an organization where conformity was the name of the game. Everyone dressed the same, hair styles were the same, body shapes were the same. If you didn't fit the mold of the community, you were asked to leave, voluntarily or involuntarily. But hey...enough about the military. If you aren't comfortable being yourself, then you need to ask yourself several questions. Is this who I really am? Why do I care what other people think? Will changing to conform to their standards make me a happier person?

Angelwithatwist said...

Girl I would go nutso if Gene worked like that and I never got to see him. I go nutso now when he is pulling so many hours on ONE job I cannot fathom having more. You should have walked right in. What you where does not change who YOU are INSIDE and if they think it does then perhaps they are not the nice people you thought they were.

Chris P said...

Bikes are the greatest things ever! My husband and I both have one. If those people are staring you know it's simply because they are jealous! They want to be sporting those leathers too! To hell with them! Let them be jealous on their own. You will get them next time! Keep trying!

FitBy40 said...

I hate when I run into people like that, and I don't think I have an anxiety issue! Hmm, maybe I do!
So glad you enjoyed the weekend with your hottie hubby, except for that one tiny issue.
Sweet moments.

Sunshine's Heart said...

Amen on the lottery. It would solve so many of my day to day problems. I need to win it pretty soon too.

Robyn's Nest said...

What makes you different makes you special.
It sounds like a good weekend and it was meant for your family. Why beat yourself up for not wanting to deal with someone from the outside world that was not inside your bubble at the moment.
You are okay just like you are.

~Miss Lorie~ said...

I'm with Robyn, what makes you different makes you special!
Sounds like such a fun weekend! I think "normal" is all relative and most of us don't visit "normal" more than one time every five weeks or so?

Didi said...

Eeesh, I get social anxiety like that sometimes too. There are times when I feel so out of my element, and I feel like people are looking at me because I have grown an extra head or something. I've dodged around people that I know in public because I just didn't feel like talking too. It happens.
Someday I hope that I am so sure of myself and secure that I stop giving a f%*&, but right now... well, I still worry sometimes.

Joanna said...

Why is it that I absolutely LOVE the thought of fat, naked naps? I must try that.

I understand how you feel. Even though I don't get dressed up like a biker (totally wish it, though!) - there are times when I'm out and feel so nervous and uncomfortable when I see people I know. I don't have near the level of anxiety you have.. but there have been occasions where I've skipped going in places because there are people I know in there.

But, you are so strong in so many ways... just let it go and tell us how awesome the party was! ;)