Monday, April 29, 2013

A free spirit is nothing a little vodka can't cure.

In a discussion about our youngest daughter this weekend, Rambo looked at me dead seriously and said, “Wow. We’re screwed. She got all of me and my not so good traits, didn’t she?
She has none of you in her. Shit. Shit. And double shit.”

I didn’t even argue with him.

The little girl hates authority. Hates rules. Hates anyone who tells her what to do.

She’s a free spirit who never sits still and is happiest when she is exploring outside. Wearing short sleeves and no shoes when she’s been told to put on a sweatshirt and shoes about 50 times.

Warnings don’t mean anything to her.

You’ll get sick and your toes will freeze off. “I don’t care.” is her response.

You won’t get to go to the class party if you don’t take the test. “I don’t care.”

You can’t go to the neighbor’s house to play if you don’t clean your room. “Okay mom.”

You’ll get in trouble at school if you don’t listen. “I don’t care.”

She has no fear of trouble or people being angry with her behavior or of consequences.

It is maddening.

To those of you who write blogs about how parenting is the spark in your eyes every single moment of every single day….well I say to you – you’re lying. Take my kid for a day. Just one damn day. You shall never write of rainbows shooting out of your eyeballs again. Like ever.

Part of being a free spirit for my kid is wearing what she wants – no matter what the weather is like. I’m not kidding. She’ll wear flip flops to school and take her snow boots in her backpack to change into for recess.

She looks like a damn idiot. Scratch that – she looks like she has a mother who is a damn idiot. She’s one of those kids wearing a tank top when it’s negative 40 degrees who people look at, shake their head and say, “Her mother must be a drug addict.”

I think I should try drugs. Everyone probably thinks I’m on them anyway at this point.

Lately my kid also has this thing about black leggings. She must have 50 pairs of leggings with patterns and colors but she can ONLY wear black ones. You know – so that every day even if she’s wearing a new pair of black leggings – to others – they think she wears the same pair of pants for 5 days.

Again – forgive her – her mom is on drugs. Remember?

Soooo this morning – no black leggings were clean.

Can you say Major Meltdown City? Like we went all the way to Crazy Town and ended up back in Mama’s Foaming at the Mouth Village.

Jesus, Joseph and Mary on a unicycle.
I cannot deal.

I told her she was trying my patience. That “they are just pants for God’s sake”. That this is why I tell her to pick out her outfit the night before. I even made faces that I’m sure Satan would be scared of.

Full on sobbing and weeping. Tears. Snot. The whole enchilada – before 7am.

F*cking fantastic.

She covered her face with her bookbag all the way to the sitter’s house. She ran into their house without looking back or even saying goodbye.

She broke my heart into a million pieces without even trying. The power the little shit holds is immense and God forbid if she ever realizes that.

So yah – parenting is sucking the life out of me today. Rambo called about an hour later to ask if I was okay. Who the hell wants to discipline before 7am? Who the hell wants their kid’s day to start like that?

Not I – said the mother on drugs.

You might think I’m drinking water at work all day but the truth is that it’s vodka. Don’t judge.

And don’t tell pregnant people or the rest of us bloggers that every day of parenting is like bathing in Skittles.

It just ain’t. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Some days it just blows.

All before 7am.

You’re welcome.

I’d sign this little entry with my name but I can’t remember what it is. The pills I washed down with vodka kicked in and I forgot I even have kids so all is now well again in my world.


Sarah Kopf said...

Hugs love! Cole has come into teenagerhood now... so I truly, TRULY empathize with you! You're a good Mama! I promise. Did I tell you my kid stopped brushing his fairly long curly hair? And that it looks like he must put a weedwhacker through it at night? So he looks like his mother must just not give a shit? Yeah. It's glorious. His teacher mentioned it to me last week---after he told her to back off because "It is none of your business what my hair looks like." *sigh*

Love you honeys!


Tina@The BanditGirl said...

LOL! (I know it isn't funny) I can SO relate and I'm just feeling giddy to know I am not alone!

Rachel said...


Angelwithatwist said...

If it is any consolation my 2 oldest BOYS did similar things.. the youngest has not ever done anything like that and he is 13. I am holding out hope that he stays so laid back.

Anna said...

My bestie and I were just having this conversation. I told her how my 2-year-old was having a particularly demonic night and I looked at my husband and asked, "Why does he have to be such an asshole?"

People think for some reason that you have to like your kids every second of every day. I love my kid all the time, but there are moments when the "like" just flies right out the window. And I think it's beneficial to tell new and soon-to-be parents that they are allowed to think that their kids are complete assholes sometimes. Because they are. Just like we can be.

Anna said...

^^I should add that I didn't say the 'asshole' thing IN FRONT of my kid. I'm not THAT bad of a parent. ;-)

terbear287 said...

yep yep and yep. My 12 year old is so damn picky about what she wears and how her hair is done. DRIVES ME INSANE. I don't even try to buy stuff for her when she isn't with me because I will end up returning it anyway. little jerk!

Saturday I planned a mom and daughter mani pedi party to a new place. We showed up and they are all you need an So of course this is all my fault!!!! Yep I did it on purpose so I could deal with your nasty attitude the rest of the day. Did I mention I was taking her to spend $50 on nails? Unappreciative much!

Chris P said...

Oh yeah, ugh! Totally get you here! My daughters have meltdowns about clothes! And this past week they were both on my last nerve. They dont ever listen and always want to fight with me. Til I start throwing things. Then they cooperate! It was either throw them out the window or take a nap. I chose the nap! They are soon to be 15 & 16, I really disliked 14.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

I'm laughing at everyone's comments along with your post! I usually get ALL of the shit and they're an angel for daddy. I get sit on all the time just for wanting a little bit of information, like where the fuck is the concert that I had to bring you to the school for so you could hop on a bus to get there? Or how much are the tickets for this shindig you sprung on me 2 days prior to the event? I'M the bad guy for wanting to know shit. God forbid!

Laura Runs a Latte said...

This is why all my children are 4-legged ;) (((((hugs)))))

Sheila said...

Um, are you SURE you aren't talking about my 10 year old daughter?? Because I could SWEAR that exact same thing has happened at OUR house. Right down to the before 7am part. What I DID not think of was swapping water for vodka. OMG, you are brilliant! Thanks for blogging. :P

FitBy40 said...

The drama has started in our house too, mostly due to the change in weather which inspired a need to change the wardrobe. Having 2 girls, you know where that's going!
Luckily the really moody one just lays in bed and allows me to dress her while she tries to catch one or two more minutes of sleep. I told her if she wants a voice in what she wears, she'll have to get out of bed and get her own butt dressed!

Didi Paul said...

Geez. I was like that when I was a kid. "I don't care" was my favorite quote. Total pain in the ass!
My cousin and I were looking at old pictures of ourselves when we were very young and laughing at how retarded we looked. We thought we were so cool, and really we just looked like bag ladies circling the downtown library looking for loose change.
Good luck, gal.