Thursday, April 11, 2013

Mary Poppins is married to an asshole.

I’m in a grouchy mood.
Like I want to line up small, fluffy bunnies and punch them in the face grouchy.

I’m liable to shank anything that moves today. It is not pretty. The ONLY good thing I can think of about today is that I’m wearing lemon yellow skinny jeans with nude high heels and my feet tattoos are showing and that’s kind of fun. Other than that – I could be equated with being Satan’s sister today.

Drazil – my hate spewing inner demon – is having a GRAND day in my head. The worst part is that the rational side of my brain – is listening to every word Drazil spits out. I can’t shut him up.

Reason #1 why I’m pissed off at the world is because last night I watched my Week 4 video from the weight loss plan that my work is sponsoring. I think it was titled “Sugar is the enemy”.

Well f*ckballs – let’s all take a guess at what this hour long video is going to say. I lost count of how many times I rolled my eyes at the skinny crotchface on the video who literally counted out and showed me how many teaspoons of sugar are in my precious nectar of the Gods (Mountain Dew).

Then for effect, she counted out teaspoons of sugar in just about everything else I eat.
That woman is a heifer on wheels.

And she’s right…..which makes me want to shank her in the eyeballs even more. (violent much?)

I know sugar is bad. I even know that sugar is an inflammatory that could be the main cause of my migraines. I know it’s bad, bad and worse…but last night I wasn’t in the mood to hear it.

So I ate a Reeses peanut butter egg. Then I ate another one. I’ll show her who controls what I put in my body. Wait. Shit. That’s not really proving anything except that I know how to get fatter.
Dammit. That kinda backfired, didn’t it?

I listed to the woman. I took my quiz. Took my notes. I wrote SUGAR IS EVIL all over my notebook like some high school girl in love writes her boyfriend’s name all over her jeans. I’m so mature.

Sigh.

Even though I tried not to – I learned some shit last night about sugar and diabetes and crap like that. I restrict sugar a little each day (like instead of eating a whole bag of tootsie rolls, I just eat 2 – or 5)(Baby steps, people. Baby steps.) but now I’m going to severely restrict sugar. I owe my body this test.

How will I feel without tootsie rolls or Reeses or Skittles every day? What will my migraines look like with way less sugar? How about my cholesterol and high BP? Mood? Sleep?

All of it.

Still – to the woman on the video…I want to yell, “F*ck you and the I’m-skinny-you-can-be-too train you rode in on.”

The second reason why I’m hating life right now is where Drazil comes in.
Listen.

I married a man that is kind beyond reason. He’s like Jesus Christ’s step-son or something.
He is generous to a fault. He’s also married to a selfish witch.

I’m not saying that so you’ll say, “Oh honey, you’re not a selfish witch.”
I’m saying it because it is literally true.

Rambo worked in the semi all day yesterday and then when he was done it was already 5pm. At that point – he STILL decided it was the right thing to do to drive 2 hours away to visit his sister in the hospital. He gets there and when he is done visiting, he goes out to eat with his parents and brother.

He pays for everyone’s meal.

He buys his sister get well flowers.

He fills my car up to the top.

He spreads love and cheer wherever he goes. His nickname is Mary Poppins.

His real name should be Rainbow Brite. He should ride a unicorn with rainbow-colored hair.

I was home in bed by the time Rambo got home. I hear him come quietly to bed. I feel him wrap his arms around me and say he loves me. I contemplate kicking him but decide not to and I drift back to sleep.

We wake up in the morning and I’m an asshole.
A complete dickwad to him as he tries to tell me all about his night.

Do you know the only thing I can think about is that he paid for everyone’s meal? The fact that it was at Hooters may or may not have a lot to do with this. I mean isn’t it awkward (and stupid) to sit and eat a meal with your senior citizen mother at Hooters?

I’m saying shit like, “You worked most of the day in the semi just to pay for your family’s food.”

I mean – evil stuff is just falling out of my mouth like lava out of a volcano – as I get ready to walk out the door.

Rambo had the audacity to grab me, hug me and say, “Try to come home in a better mood, ok? Quit being Crabbypants.”

Really? This is NOT just Crabbypants. This is I want to shoot daggers out of my eyes at you.

The whole time Drazil is screaming in my head:

What is wrong with you – you witch? The man works 40 some days straight for you and just hands over his check with never a complaint and you begrudge him one meal at Hooters? What kind of person are you? What kind of wife are you? He’s going to leave you. You don’t deserve him. How dare you make him feel bad for doing good things? You are the definition of selfish. You aren’t Satan’s sister – you are Satan’s MOM. The guy lives and breathes for you and you’re mad at him for doing the right thing and buying a meal and going to Hooters? MY GOD – I can’t figure out why he hasn’t walked out of here yet.

This time – Drazil is right. It’s ok to say it. It’s the truth. All damn morning I’ve been trying to figure out why this triggers such anger in me. Am I still that insecure? Am I honest to God THAT selfish? Where is this coming from? What is wrong with me???

I don’t have the answers. I just don’t. We’re talking about $70 here people.
And a place where the women are clothed. And a sister who was ill.

This is SO not about money.

Every reaction I have about this is wrong, wrong and more wrong. There are days when I think I’ve come a long way in the learning to love myself area and then there are days like this when I realize I have a lot to learn and a lot to fix. I am still so flawed in so many ways.

If you don’t agree with me and you’re about to tell me “oh you’re just human – you’re not evil” ….well here. Let me prove that I birthed Satan.

While Rambo was out doing the right thing and I was busy being pissed about it,
I found the time to buy another Coach purse.

Now do you believe me?

I have some internal thinking to do. THIS is not the person I want to be. Nor the wife that Rambo deserves. How on Earth can I still be this horrible person after all the intense soul-searching that I’ve done?
How is that possible?

It’s been a long time since I’ve used the word hate in terms of how I feel about who I am but today – I feel it. I hate this part of me. I hate my reactions and my feelings. I hate that I can’t figure out why I feel the way I do. I hate the words I spoke this morning.

I hate this day.

I hate Drazil when he’s right. He’s such an arrogant bastard as it is and today I can’t quiet him. All day long – he’ll scream….and I can’t even fight him. Because today the words he screams are true.

That’s hard to admit.

Harder yet to fix.

Damn you, Drazil. Just damn you.

20 comments:

jennxaz said...

crazy isn't it...I find myself doing stuff like that and my inner voice is telling me I am a wicked witch...but I still do it and then I loathe myself!

Sunshine's Heart said...

My ex was unfailingly kind too. He used to drive me crazy in the car because he would always give other people the right of way, even if it was not appropriate. I always felt mean compared to Dail and it was all due to my insecurities.

Jillian said...

Man, I hate times like this. I'm not going to tell you that you weren't being an asshole, because like you said, you kinda were. But what I think is important here is that you are recognizing your behavior and doing some deep thinking about it. No one's perfect, but we are all capable of changing. For me, I get like this a lot when I'm PMSing. I do something horribly mean, and the whole time I'm doing it, I'm wondering why...I just can't seem to stop myself. Have you talked to Rambo about it?

Laura Runs a Latte said...

This sounds a lot like me. I talk/act the same way to my hubby and then fight with myself about it incessantly. I'll get home meaning to apologize but then I end up snapping even worse! I blame hormones ;)

Cheri said...

Can you dust off and move on? HE isn't mad at you. He knows you best. You know it wasn't about what you fought about. We don't know what it really is - maybe you do - stressed out? Feeling out of control? Easier to try to control things outside yourself? Dunno.... No one is perfect (Not even Rambo) luckily it isn't a requirement to be loveable. xo

Amanda said...

I think we all have days when we don't deserve the incredible spouses we have. Then again, I think there are also days when they don't deserve US. Even Choreboy, who is the very soul of kindness and perfection, occasionally needs a metaphorical kick in the shins.

It evens out, eventually, especially when you both are adults committed to being together and being happy. Dammit.

You are on top of this. And that's a good thing.

terbear287 said...

I think the only thing you can do, is try to not be Crabbypants when he gets home like he asked. That is all he hopes for.

Connie O said...

I do this kind of thing all the time. It's almost impossible to get my husband to fight with me, even though he isn't quite sweet enough to be Mary Poppins. Maybe you were resentful because don't get to see enough of him, and you missed him?

And if you were really THAT selfish, you wouldn't be beating yourself up over it. Give yourself a little break and try to find some Skittles (the metaphorical kind) in your day.

Robyn's Nest said...

I learned a long time ago that the people we love most are often the ones we can be the most hurtful to. I think it is because we know they love us.
Something was a trigger. I doubt it was the money. Maybe you were more jealous of the time away from you?

Mon said...

One of the best things about being with someone who reeeeally, truly loves you is that they will allow you to behave like a raging female douche-copter from time to time. We all do it...well not everyone. But sure as hell do. And yeah, later I kinda hate myself. But once I've found my way back into my happy place--which eventually does happen--I tell him how much I love him. Sometimes I apologize and sometimes not...he knows.

Don't worry...you can be a dick sometimes, it's okay. Hope you find your happy place soon! Make one of my summer cocktails :)

~Miss Lorie~ said...

I hate when I hurt the people I love the most.

Ugh.

I hope you get it right in your head and that you are able to do what you need to to heal and move on.

Thanks for sharing. ((hugs))

mdlapband said...

I appreciate it when you talk about shanking people :) makes me smile.

Sarah Kopf said...

I am going to send you hugs and tell you that I'm a total bitch to my husband on a regular basis. Usually right after he spends my paycheck on power tools....

Hugs & love sweets!

Sarah
www.thinfluenced.com

Kelly said...

I've done that , pushing away the people I love deliberately. I don't know why any of us do this. And by the way, if you haven't read the NY Times article in which sugar is proven to be more addictive than crack or cocaine, you must. Eye opening shizz right there! Love you.

Laura Belle said...

I'm in a pissy mood too.

Good news: no one is perfect. No one will EVER be perfect. So if you have a bad day and are pissy. It's OK. You're OK.

At least that's what I keep trying to tell myself....in between donut bites.

Karrie said...

Progress is when you know something about yourself, and you work to be better. Which is exactly what you are doing! Oh I can relate to a lot of that "self talk" too! It's an evil cycle and one that will get you somewhere, painfully, but it will get you somewhere :)

Didi said...

The guy I'm with is a fricken saint too, and I've been such an @$$hole lately. I feel like just what you wrote- like lava is falling out of my mouth sometimes. I get in these black moods when I'm down and stressed, and I swear I'm trying to pick a fight with the kindest person I've ever met. It makes me feel so awful later- like I'm this awful nagging horrid hag. I always apologize, but I wish I'd deal with myself and stress better so that I wouldn't have to apologize nearly every day for saying at least one dipshit thing.

Joanna said...

I'm going out on a limb here... do you think you was angry because he went and did all of that stuff with his family without you? I only ask because I think I know you well enough to know that something else was the underlying cause for that type of behavior... that really isn't you.

Either that or you was upset because he went and did all that stuff and you were without him... missing him?

I think you were a little mean by acting that way, but you know it and you'll fix it. AND I don't think Rambo is bothered a bit if he just wants you to come home a little less grumpy. We all have days like that.. really...

Tully said...

This was a bit hard to read because I do the same thing sometimes and I hate myself for it. I have no idea why I am insecure and begrudge my partner lavishing any attention, money or kindness on anyone else, he gives me more than my fair share.

In your case it might be that Rambo is working such long hours that it is natural to be jealous of his time. It seems normal that you would want him to spend his little free time with you and your girls. I'm also guessing that you are worried about him exhausting himself and prefer that he got some rest when he could, rather than driving so far.

Don't beat yourself up, you're aware and I am sure you'll react better next time.

*AStrongNewMe* said...

I just found your blog today so obviously I don't know you at all, but I will be the detractor here and say that I would not be happy at all if my boyfriend took his family (or anyone) to Hooters. Of all the restaurants in the world, why one known predominantly for tight shirts on its waitresses? It would not have gone down well.

I think just explaining what upset you and then moving on is the best bet.