Thursday, May 9, 2013

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I’m stressed.

I mean it’s true that I walk around this Earth flitting around like a fairy on speed every day BUT today this fairy is on speed and meth and a Mountain Dew IV. I’m having heart palpitations – for realz. My blood pressure is high again and that isn’t helping either. I’m just overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s all too much.

M stayed at our house again last night. That’s fine and everything BUT part of me is irritated that her Mom and step-dad allow it. I’m mad they don’t miss her or want her home.

I feel like I let M down because our home isn’t perfect. She left a toxic home and yelling and screaming and drugs and crying and she came to our house. Which ain’t Care Bear Land. Last night both Watermelon and Banana had attitudes and made the mistake of talking back to Rambo.

He doesn’t tolerate disrespect and he told them so.
He raised his voice and pretty much said “that shit doesn’t fly here - so shape up.”

I agree with him 100% - and yet a part of me feels like we let M down. She left her house to get away from shit like that and now it’s here too. I mean that was it. We had a great night minus that one thing but still…she’s hurting so much that I *want* to give her CareBear Land…but I can’t. We still have to be parents – which means sometimes we have to be the asshole in the room.

I hate it. And though I love being there for M – instantly having 2 teenage girls is a hell of a reality slap in the face. Double showers, double clothes, double dishes, double food, double attitude, double someone needing something all the time. Plus the 7 year old still needs us too by the way.
Try not to forget about her in all this chaos.

Double emotion and stress and fear and relief and blah blah blah.

I have no idea how long this will last. That translates to me not knowing how emotionally invested I should become. I’m hoping her parents wake up today and WANT their daughter back.
She *needs* to be wanted by THEM.

A new kid in our house doesn’t mean that suddenly me and Rambo’s part time jobs disappeared so time and stress in other places would free up.

Nope. Not at all.

People are calling about how their water smells like sewage and the overwhelmed mom in me wants to say, “Then don’t drink it!” but the responsible woman in me relays the message to my lovely Mayor of a husband and we fix it.

People are constantly moving in and out of rentals so meters need to be read and billed all the time. People need to stop moving. It shouldn’t be allowed. Because I said so.

The guys at the plant need to get paid so no matter who is at my house tonight – payroll has to be finished. The Plant Manager will keep calling me all day about how much the DNR sucks ass.
I have to listen and try to help.

The internal Mayor/Clerk drama never ceases though we try our very best to keep quiet and keep our distance from people whose only goal is to spread negativity – we still feel some of it. It’s impossible not to.

A cement pad is being laid in our backyard to extend the pool/patio area and while this is good news – it’s also work. The spot was previously landscaped so that means it has to be un-landscaped. I have to shovel a trailer load of rocks. Pull up railroad ties. Dig up and replant over 25 hostas. Level the area. Call the electrician and contractor. Blah blah blah.

The Tahoe needs an oil change. The dishes never end. Laundry doesn’t put itself away. Though my kids are assigned to some of the chores – I can’t make them do them all. CPS frowns on that. Blah blah blah.

Watermelon leaves for camp next week with her whole class and the list of things she needs to bring is a page long. I keep wondering how much of the list I’ll have to buy and help M with.

I did hours and hours worth of audits and interviews at my full time job this week and I hated every second of it. A guy begged me to do it because of my certification status and asked me to train a new girl to take over and I reluctantly said yes because I have no idea how to say the word no. Me – the girl who hates talking to other human beings – spent the week interviewing management.
Yah. That’s my idea of fun. Jesus balls. On a stick.

Oh and Mother’s Day is coming.
Buy some gifts and wrap them while you’re doing all this other shit too, mkay?

Sleep is elusive. I crave it, need it and want it – and still it won’t come and if it does it brings nightmares with it. Enter the migraines. Blah blah blah.

But at least I look cute in my skinny jeans and nude wedges today, right?

A co-worker gave me a bunch of Coach things to sell too because I’m stupid and offered to do it….so I’ll be posting those soon.

My mom is having a garage sale so because I had nothing else to do – all week has been spent finding things to sell, loading them up, tagging them and hating the whole process. Then I get to spend two days sitting at the sale hoping people buy my shit. Again – because I have nothing else to do.

I hope to share what this week’s weight loss video was about and my weigh in results and all that good stuff tomorrow.

Thank God for Rambo. Thank God for his huge soft hairy chest where my face fits just right. Thank God for his lap that I fit right into if I’m in the fetal position. Thank God for his emails and phone calls and words of love and ability to do laundry and bunches of other shit I can’t fathom having the time to do.

Thank God for this space. Once in a while – I just need to whine and bitch and have a pity party and say “poor me” and write it out… I can move on, suck it up and be grateful and get it done.

I can’t fart gumdrops every single day. Well, I can but today they’ll come out black.

And come on – not very many people eat the black ones, you know?


Amy Willingham said...

my dishes and laundry never wash themselves.
oil change? hell, im two months behind on getting my registration for my Hummer. Sad part, my husband pass the courthouse ever day to work outta town. SMH.
big sigh
I assume once I get a ticket he'll go and get it?

Sarah Kopf said...

Oh honey! I'm gonna just get in the car, come pick you up, and take us to Madison to the spa. Okay? Okay.


Tara Cartledge said...

Bless your bones!! Over worked and under paid moms unite!! For my stressful week I'm getting my hair and nails done and maybe a sassy pair of shoes... When all of your craziness is done---give yourself some love...

Sending you peace my internet friend!!

MandaPanda said...

Holy cow! You are one busy woman! Breathe!

As for M...your house and the craziness and even the occasional attitude adjustment is still SO much better than what she's dealing with in hers so you can't worry about that.

Hang in there sweetie!

Rachel said...

(((hugs))) and I love the black gum drops!

Mon said...

I'm trying to send you some zen rainstorms and kittens and a good book :)

I reeeeally hope you're able to find some relaxation time this Mother's Day weekend!!!

Sunshine's Heart said...

Draz, Don't be so hard on yourself. What M needs is REALITY, not some Carebear fantasy that she will find to be an illusion later on. You are doing what you can for her and part of that is letting her see that there are boundaries for kids her age. Stability a limitations will give her more security than Carebears. Love.

jennxaz said...

You are showing M reality..not a fake land that is unattainable. And you know I always think you work your ASS off(and it shows:) You will get thru this and be on to the weekend...where there is more work..but don't forget those special moments..the hand holding and special times Rambo treats you just right...its all worth it in the end!

Angelwithatwist said...

OH sweetie I am with you.. my grandson's mother has the least maternal instinct of any woman I have ever met. UNTIL child support comes up. Suddenly she is mother of the flippin year.. I mean forget that for the last 4 months we have had him in this house day and night for 4-5 days a week. Sending you hugs and prayers..

FitBy40 said...

Just this morning I was thanking God that my car is in the shop and it's raining, because that means I get to stay home and get caught up on all the laundry/ironing/dishes that have been left all week!
You need a 'stay home day' for sure!
or you could take Sarah's offer and disappear with her for the day!

Leigh Costa said...

WOW! That's a lot of shite to deal with! I'm hoping you get the Wonderful Mother's Day you deserve!

Robyn's Nest said...

You sure do have a ton going on. Wish I could help. I will send you a ((hug)) because you are very dear to me.

Didi Paul said...

Rambo raising his voice a little when your kids get sassy probably isn't at all what M is used to. I'm sure she is used to fighting and insanity. Discipline when necessary provides stability, and M probably needs to see some of that!
Hope things have calmed down for you.